"He loved you." She says, and I can tell she is sincere.
The ache that has been in my chest since I left Lockhart Gardner worsens, until it feels like an ice cold fist is squeezing the inside of my chest. I stand and make to leave, but Diane stops me. "You can stay." She tells me.
I shake my head and say "no" before leaving.
I get in my car and drive straight home. I am barely in the door before the inevitable breakdown. I sit on my bed and I cry. I cry for all I'm worth. I can't stop.
It feels like the fist has given up on it's choke hold and has resorted to beating me up on the inside and working it's way out.
I check the time. Four o'clock. Grace will be home soon. Zach has a club. I take a deep breath. Then another. Then a third. It does nothing. I collapse into a pillow.
"He loved you..." I cry even more. I should never have broken it off. I should never have gone with Cary. I should never have taken clients with me, inadvertently or not. So many shoulds. So many regrets. So many screw ups. So many ways I made him hate me.
I pushed him away. He had every right to be mad at me. Because I betrayed him, in so many ways. I was in love with him, and never told him. I left the firm after all he'd done for me. I dragged him into this messed up love triangle because I was selfish, wanting him, when I already had Peter.
The memories flood back. When I broke up with him. His face when he came to confront me about leaving. The last time I saw him. He was walking to court, his head up high, managing to stand out in a crowd full of lawyers wearing the same suit and carrying the same briefcase. I remember allowing myself a brief smile, before catching myself. I wasn't allowed to think like that anymore. I remember wanting to go talk to him so badly. To make peace. But he was in the courtroom before I could even go to him.
Grace is back. I sit up and go to open the door for them.
Grace knows. I can tell. She immediately wraps her arms around me. I hug her back, before going to sit at the counter.
She gets me a glass of water before sitting opposite me, holding my hand. "I'm so sorry." She says. "I know you don't believe, but he's- he's with God." I nod, and sip the water. Grace stays with me for a while, telling me all about God and heaven, but she eventually goes, leaving me sitting at the counter, staring into space.
My phone rings. Kalinda. "Alicia?"
"Kalinda. What's up?" I ask, wincing at how my voice sounds.
"Will's funeral. It's in a week. At the church of Illinois. I thought you'd want to know."
"Thanks."
"And... There's something else. Will... he wanted you to speak at his funeral. I got a sneak peek at his will."
I gasp. "M-me?"
"Looks like it. Can you come?"
I look at the calender. A day filled with meetings with our top clients. "I'll be there. And I'll speak... If you think that'll be okay..."
"Of course, Alicia," says Diane's voice.
"Hi, Diane."
"Alicia. Of course you can speak at the funeral. Why wouldn't it be okay? You were closest to him. Even with recent... circumstances, he'd still want you to say something. I'm sure of it."
I swallow the lump in my throat. "Thanks, Diane, that- that means a lot." I choke.
"See you there, oh, and Alicia?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm here any time if you want to talk." Diane says.
"We both are." Kalinda adds.
"Thanks... I'll see you at the funeral." I say, hanging up. My next call is to Cary. It goes to voice mail. I tell him I'm taking a week off. Then I pour myself a glass of wine and 2 sleeping tablets and I go to bed.
A week passes by quickly. I walk in a few minutes early, and everyone already there turns to me. I move to take a seat at the back but Diane, who is sitting with Kurt and Kalinda, beckons me over. I sit in-between Kalinda and Diane, and Pastor Isaiah comes in and starts the service.
It's all a blur of faces, the noise a jumble of words. Kalinda, David Lee, Will's sister, even Lemond Bishop. Then Diane is at the stand, and calling my name. I take a deep breath, and make my way to the stand. I take out my speech, but put it back just as quickly. This needs to be from the heart, not a piece of paper.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Begin. "I've always been told that no one is called before their time. That everything happens for a reason. But, standing here today, on this, of all occasions, I can't think of a single reason. Will didn't deserve to die." I say, my voice cracking. "But my daughter, Grace, told me that Will's up in heaven, now. With God. And I think that's a good way to look at it, because if anyone deserved to go to heaven, it's Will. Anyone could tell you that. And I don't know what to believe, anymore, except, if everything happens for a reason then the only reason I can come up with is that... Heaven needed a hero." I look up, attempting to make eye contact with every single person in the room.
I give a half smile. "They needed someone like Will. Someone brave enough to stand up for what they believe, and not back down, with just the right mix of compassion and stubbornness." A few people chuckle. "And Will, he had that. And that's what made him a great lawyer, and an even better person. When he believed in something, he didn't give up on it. Just like he never gave up on me. Or Lockhart Gardner."
"He will be missed, not just by his friends and family, but by everyone, because... he touched so many lives." My voice cracks, and I let a few tears fall down my cheek. I try to speak, but the words fall short on my lips. Diane comes up and stands next to me, putting a hand on my arm. Kalinda is on my other side, and gives me a one armed hug.
They try to walk me back to the pew, but I stop, and walk over to the open casket. I look down into Will's face. He looks so healthy and full of life. As if he were still alive. I lean down into the casket, and whisper, "I love you. I always will." And kiss him on his warm lips. Wait. Warm? I hear a chuckle, and jump up, backing away from the casket. "You bastard!" I yell. There is complete silence. Have I made a really big mistake here? Then I hear a laugh. Another. I can feel Kalinda's rib-cage moving up and down as she chuckles.
The entire church is laughing at me as Will sits up in his coffin, a large grin on his face. He jumps out of the coffin, and, in front of a church filled with people that I've known since Georgetown to complete strangers, with Diane and Kalinda on either side of me to stop me from running away, kisses me. I break it off, but I don't remove my hands which have somehow found a resting place on his chest, and I don't make an effort to remove his hands from my waist.
"I- I have a husband" I say.
"You love me." He says, kissing me again,
I break the kiss again. "I have kids".
"Your kids like me, and the feeling's mutual. I hope." He kisses me again.
"We work at opposing law firms."
"And Diane married a man obsessed with guns with the surname McVeigh. They managed." He kisses me again.
"I-I'm out of excuses." I sigh. But this time, it's me who leans in.
And I'm happy. Happier than I've been in a long time. And for once, everything is perfect.