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Kate started her car, numb. She was not aware of her continuous tears; barely even saw the road in front of her as she pulled out of the motel parking lot. She distantly thought, I probably shouldn't be driving right now, but that was quickly lost amidst the heartache that filled her insides.
She didn't look back as the motel disappeared from view. Kate had said many goodbyes in her lifetime, but none compared to this. Aaron was in good hands she was sure, but they were not her hands. And if she accomplished her reason for going back to the island, that goddamn island, she would never be that little boy's mother ever again.
Kate was not driving in the direction of her house. She could not go there now, could not pass Aaron's toys in the living room, his drawings proudly hanging on the refrigerator in the kitchen, his dark bedroom, usually illuminated this late by his nightlight. She would have to go back some time before the flight she had already resignedly booked, get her fake I.D. and some cash, but not now.
The parking lot of the apartment complex was mostly full at this hour. Kate parked, turned off the car lights, and then leaned her forehead against the steering wheel, taking deep breaths. She had nothing tying her down anywhere, just like the last time she got on a plane destined for the island. After three years of living with definite purpose, with real reasons to come home every night (blonde hair and wide eyes and little hands), the fact that nothing was left made her empty.
She so badly wanted to feel something, was terrified that she wouldn't ever again after this except absolute loss. Because the charade was over. She was not a mother.
Kate knew where the spare key was and let herself into the empty apartment. Jack was not home yet, probably out doing destiny-fulfilling activities, saving the world or something like that. She moved towards the bedroom, a place untainted by their difficult break up or losing Aaron. In the bathroom she splashed water on her face, her makeup running even more. She avoided her reflection in the mirror, did not want to see the haunted expression.
She was lying in the middle of his bed when she heard Jack moving through the apartment. Her heart jumped into her throat, her breath catching. He had been so different yesterday when he had approached her car, clean-shaven and confident and sober, looking for the world like the hero she had (perhaps wrongly) viewed him as.
She hated him, for making her go back, for making her admit Aaron needed his real mother. For not being able to sort out his issues, for decimating their happy engagement and the beautiful family they had created.
(Mostly, though, she still loved him. Didn't think she would stop loving him no matter what transpired between them.)
"Kate, what are you doing here?" he asked, concerned and confused.
"Are you still going back to the island?" She didn't know where her voice came from, had thought she was incapable of words.
"Yeah, I think I am."
"Then I'm going with you."
"Kate, what happened? Where's Aaron?"
The name was like a burn, like a stab she saw coming but could not avoid. She was not here to discuss the boy she had given up. "You will never ask me about Aaron. Do you understand Jack?"
He stared at her. "Yes."
"Thank you," she managed, as he continued to look at her warily.
Then she moved forward, capturing his lips in a rough kiss. God, she had missed him, had missed this, in the weeks since they'd broken up. He responded readily, greedily, and his sudden intensity thrilled her, made her feel something other than sadness.
He pulled his suit jacket off as they fell back on his bed, and she began to work on his shirt buttons. Their movements were quick, her pushing his shirt away, him yanking her tank top over her head. They hardly broke away from each other as they discarded clothing onto the floor, and it was all so familiar that Kate could almost imagine they were in her house, in the bedroom they'd shared, Aaron soundly sleeping down the hall.
She put all thoughts of Aaron, and the island, and the people who were waiting there for them, in the back of her mind for the time being. Right now it was just she and Jack and that was how she wanted it.
His hands were in her hair; his breath hot on her neck, and this was so easy, because they knew each other's bodies like their own at this point.
"I miss you," he whispered as he kissed his way by her ear, and she wrapped her legs tight around his hips, clutched his strong shoulders.
She almost didn't respond, but found herself murmuring, "I miss you too," and it was much more vulnerable than she usually liked to be, even with the man she'd loved for three years.
In the morning she might regret coming here, because they were going back to that damn island and there was too much going on to add a relationship talk on top of it all. And she was still so angry with him, as much as she absolutely loved him.
Jack pressed a surprisingly gentle kiss to the spot below her eye where tears had been falling all night and Kate wondered, briefly, if they would ever have the chance to be like this again.
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