Finn is starving.
Well, he's not actually starving. His last meal was three hours ago when Kurt had made his famous tin-foil lunches over the open fire pit in the back of their rented cabin.
But for Finn, three hours of being lost in the wilderness and not knowing if and when he'd be able to eat next, makes his full stomach feel very empty - like he hasn't eaten in days.
Really, he has his brother-in-law to thank for all this. All Finn wanted to do after scarfing down Kurt's amazing lunch was hang at the cabin and throw the football around with his brothers – the three of them, Kurt, Blaine, and Cooper. Blaine's bright idea of hiking to the waterfall because, "you can only get there on foot" and "it's just a forty minute trek" and "oh, it'll be so romantic, won't it, Kurt?" has gone to hell in the worst way.
They've been hiking for three hours, according to Finn's watch. Still, there is no waterfall in sight, and Finn realizes they haven't even passed a stream or any water at all. Great, Finn thinks, if they don't die from starvation, they will surely die from thirst. He brought his water bottle along, sure, but he wasn't expecting to be out for so long. Thank God he has an old crumbly granola bar in the bottom of his backpack. He has wanted to save it, not knowing when they'd get back to the beautiful three-bedroom cabin they're sharing, which is currently stocked with a fridge full of food and several coolers full of beer. But the idea of saving the snack is getting harder in his growing panic. This must be what it feels like to go delirious from hunger, Finn thinks. What he wouldn't give for one of his mom's grilled cheese sandwiches right now.
If hunger – or the idea of not having a constant supply of food – isn't bad enough, Cooper has been practicing his accents non-stop. He started as soon as they had left the cabin because, "Finn, if you want to be serious actor, you must have least half dozen accents in your repertoire," Cooper had told him in a thick Russian dialect. Shortly after, he'd begun acting out short scenes as he walked and pointed at each of them in turn. If Kurt doesn't beat him to it, Finn will kill him. Out here in the wilderness, there are many places in which a body could be hidden, and Finn has had way too much time to think about it.
Having agreed to come on this brothers' trip is something that Finn is starting to regret. It had all started over several rounds of beer (and vodka-crans for Kurt) the last time Kurt and Blaine had flown out to L.A. to visit him and Cooper.
As luck had it, he and Cooper had both ended up living in the same city, as they were both trying to make it in Hollywood. It became convenient for Kurt and Blaine to visit as often as possible, which they do a couple times a year.
According to Finn, the last time the four of them got together was the best by far. They bonded closer than ever before, and on the night before Kurt and Blaine were due to fly back to New York, they had ended up at a karaoke bar blocks away from Cooper's condo. One thing led to another, one drink led to two, then eight, and by the end of the night, they were merrily, if not stupidly, drunk…
"I wannnnna move to la la land, Kurt," Blaine had said. "Want to be closer to my brossss and make art. Can we sell the townhouse and move in with Coop?"
"Finny has more roommm," Kurt had slurred and stumbled as he tried to reach up to put his arm around his brother. "But what … what about our jobs?"
"Ha. We're rich, Kurt, don't need jobssss."
"Oh, we can just be bums … oh my gosh, I just said bums. You have a nice bum, Blaine. Ooo, I said it again, bum, bum, bum, bum."
"Yes. We will be bums with nice bums and live with our brothers."
"Not sure Jenna would like that, guys." Finn piped up. He was the least drunk of the four, but his blood-alcohol level was still pretty high. "I mean, she loves you guys but you know how she is with her space."
"What about you, Coop? Claire would let us move in, wouldn't she? She loooooves us!" Blaine asked, his inebriated heart-eyes shining in the dim light.
"Squirt, we have twins on the way, what do you think?
"Well fuck," Kurt exclaimed. "There goes that plan." He turned to Blaine. "But it was a reallllly good idea, honey."
Blaine leaned into his husband drunkenly and started making kissy faces. Kurt swayed into him and they made out sloppily, forgetting about Finn and Cooper sitting at the table until Blaine broke away suddenly, his face looking like he had just had the best idea in the history of ideas. "If we can't move in, we should at least have a brothers' weekend!" he yelled.
"Isn't … isn't that what thisss is?" Cooper asked as he poured himself more beer from the pitcher, most of which landed on the table instead of in his glass.
"No, I mean like a repeat … um, a retreat. We could go camping," Blaine squealed happily.
"Blai-Blaine Warbler, I love you but I am not sleeping in a tent."
"I wouldn't ever dreammmm of asking you to sleep in a tent, darling." Blaine grinned slyly, made grabby hands at his husband, and attempted to waggle his brows. "The tent can be used for other things, but you deserve to slllleep in a cabin with a plusssh bed and a hotttt shower."
Kurt blushed at the mention of "other things" then quickly nodded and shoved pretzels into his mouth. "A cabin I can do," he murmured…
Kurt's shrill voice brings Finn out of his flashback. He looks up to see his brother instructing Blaine to not go any further. "Blaine! I know you want to befriend every living creature, but you are not Steve Irwin. Elk are territorial," Kurt whisper yells.
"He's right, mate," Cooper adds in his Aussie accent.
Blaine ignores them both and approaches slowly and gently. "But it's so beautiful Kurt, it's an elk! An elk in the wild! Come here little guy…"
"Oh for the love of God," Kurt hisses and throws his arms up. "Not only are we lost, but we are lost with a toddler who has no regard for a wild animal's boundaries!" He directs his attention back toward his husband and huffs, "Blaine! Get back here! It's going to charge at you."
"Elk are pretty dumb," Finn offers. "If it charges just hide behind a tree."
"I won't hurt you little elk. I just want to pet you. You're so beautiful," Blaine coos at the giant male buck.
"Squirt, that elk is about four times your size. There's nothing little about it. Now Kurt's right," Cooper drawls in a Southern accent. "Get your behind back here before we have an emergency on our hands."
"Yeah, it's not like there are any doctors around," Finn says.
"I played one on T.V. once," Cooper exclaims. "Now that's a great gig, Finn. Those are the roles you should audition for. It drives the ladies wild!"
"Cooper! I'm married!"
"I didn't say you had to do anything, just that the ladies will tune in and raise the ratings. Casting agents love that shit, Finn," Cooper says, and he can't help but point and wink.
"Can someone please get Blaine out of harm's way?" Kurt yells.
His voice spooks the elk, and it runs away into the surrounding woods.
"Kurt! I was so close to petting it!"
"Blaine, it's a wild animal. Elk don't like to be pet. They like to charge, kick, and ram their antlers into your organs. Besides, while you were playing house with that beast, I've been sitting here swatting at all the bugs that are eating me alive!"
Blaine pouts and hugs himself.
Kurt sighs. "I'm sorry. I just. I'm tired and thirsty and hate bugs."
"Oh, well I have some spray," Blaine says, taking off his backpack.
"You have spray?" Kurt squawks. "You mean you've had bug spray in your backpack all this time and didn't tell me? Look at me, Blaine. I have mosquito bites all over my otherwise unflawed skin!"
Blaine moves closer to Kurt, shaking the can of Off! "I'm sorry darling. I didn't think of it. I was so excited to go on this adventure, it slipped my mind. Here, let me spray you then we can keep looking for the waterfall."
"You want to keep looking?" Finn whines. "We should try to head back. I'm starving."
"Finn, you're always starving," Kurt groans as he stands with his arms and legs apart like a starfish, squealing as the cold repellant hits his skin.
"But I agree with Finn, Blaine," Kurt adds. "We should try to find our way back to the cabin. The hot tub sounds so good right about now."
As Blaine pouts, Cooper pipes up. "I'm with you, Squirt. This adventure is useful for a learning tool. You never know when Stallone will call me up to do a Rambo reboot."
"I don't know about you guys, but I am not risking my next meal because of Blaine's romantic waterfall fetish, and Cooper's dream to become Rambo," Finn says, with desperation in his voice.
"Honey," Kurt grabs Blaine's hand. "Let's go home. We can look at a map, make a better plan, and try again tomorrow. I'd love to see a waterfall with you, but right now it's getting late."
Blaine's pout doesn't go away, but he seems to see Kurt's reasoning. Besides, he can never say no to his husband, so he sighs, "Okay, fine."
With Kurt protected, Blaine safe from the elk, and Cooper practicing parkour among the trees Rambo-style, Finn takes a very small bite of his stale granola bar and leads the way. The four men begin to trek towards home – at least where they think home is.
Forty minutes later, Finn realizes that they are absolutely, without a doubt, lost. They seem to be walking in circles with no waterfall and no cabin in sight. The sun, although still hot enough to make the four of them reapply sunscreen (with Kurt putting on an extra layer), has moved passed the treeline, meaning it will only get darker from here on out.
Finn panics.
"You guys, I don't like this one bit. We have no idea where we're going and all we have is half a bottle of water and three quarters of a granola bar."
"This would be a good time to channel Tom Hanks, boys. Remember in Cast Away…"
"Cooper!" The three others shout.
"Can we please just focus on finding our way home?" Blaine pleads, approaching his brother gently. "We love your analogies, Coop, but now is not the time. Kurt is going to lose it any moment now, and Finn is going to start gnawing on his own arm soon."
They both look over to see Kurt dancing around Finn swatting at bugs and scratching his body. Finn is just standing there with a worried look, holding his stomach.
"I can't believe you're making me pass up this training, Squirt. I bet Matt Damon pays good money for this type of scenario, and here we have it for free."
"Blaine!" Kurt screams. I have seventeen mosquito bites on my ass alone. You got us into this mess, you get us out."
"Sorry Coop," Blaine says, "but me sleeping beside my husband tonight as opposed to on the futon trumps your training, free or not. Let's go."
After more complaining from Kurt and some dramatic pouting from Cooper (it runs in the family), Blaine and Finn devise a plan to get home. Blaine sends Finn and Cooper to collect rocks while he sprays Kurt down again and gives him his pop-up mosquito hat from out of his backpack.
"Blaine Anderson-Hummel, you've had this hat the whole time?" Kurt quickly puts it on then looks at him incredulously through the mesh-netting covering his face.
"Of course," Blaine says matter-of-factly. "We're in the wild, Kurt."
Kurt's hands-on-hips glare is enough to send Blaine to look for rocks with the others. Once they've collected six pockets worth, they set out again, this time dropping a stone every couple feet. Finn can't help but notice that the air is getting cooler as the sun has begun to set behind the trees. He hopes they'll get home in daylight because he doesn't want to know what types of creatures lurk in the darkness out here. Plus, with the granola bar gone, he's even more worried about his next meal.
An hour later, they stop so that Cooper can relieve himself on a tree, Kurt can douse his arms and legs with more bug spray, and so that Blaine can try to pet a nearby squirrel. The four men sit on some boulders and take a mini break, passing around the last of the water.
Finn looks towards the path which is supposed to be leading them home. He realizes that they have not seen any stones, meaning that they're at least not walking around in circles. This is promising.
"Does any of this look familiar to you guys?" He asks.
"I daant fin' we've been 'ere before," Cooper says, mimicking a rough Cockney accent.
"Cooper!" The three of them yell.
"Shhh, wait." Blaine holds his arms out, spins in a circle, and takes some steps forward with trepidation.
"What is it?" Kurt's asks, his eyes widening, hoping that Blaine didn't hear another elk, or bear, or hunter with a gun.
"Do you hear that?" Blaine whispers and moves towards the trees.
"It's ah rushing waater!" Cooper exclaims in what can only be an Italian dialect.
"Water?" Finn asks. He immediately follows Blaine and parts some branches to get a better look.
"Oh my God, do you see that? It's the waterfall!" Blaine yells. "We found it! Look Kurt, it's so gorgeous."
Kurt and Cooper approach and join Blaine and Finn at the embankment. They look down into the valley and see the water pooling into a crystal clear lake from the rushing waterfall across the vast opening before them.
"It actually is pretty romantic," Kurt murmurs through the netting and slips his hand into Blaine's.
"Would you look at that," Cooper says. And everyone knows he's in awe because he's speaking in his normal voice … although, he is still pointing.
Finn appreciates the view. And he's glad that if they can't find their way home they won't die from dehydration … beaver fever maybe, but not dehydration. But he's over it. All he wants is food, a cold beer, and a dip in the hot tub before bed.
Suddenly, Finn hears the rustling of more leaves and the crunching of twigs underfoot behind him. His blood runs cold because everyone with him is beside him and mesmerized by the waterfall. He turns slowly and sees movement across the clearing in the opposite direction of the waterfall.
"Guys…" he starts, his voice unsure.
Before Kurt, Blaine, and Cooper are able to answer, a body comes through the trees and huffs at them.
"There you boys are!"
"Burt?"
"Dad!"
"Where the hell did you guys get off to? A man tries to surprise his boys and he is made to wait. Kurt texted me this morning that you guys were going to the waterfall, so I thought I'd head on out here and surprise you. I didn't think you'd take this long considering the thing is basically in the cabin's back yard."
The four men can only stand there gaping. Finn realizes in that moment that just beyond the trees, from where Burt came from, lies the back yard of their cabin. The waterfall was a two minute walk from their back door this whole time.
Burt looks at each one of them in turn, his eyes flicking from one to the other. "Why do you boys look like you've just filmed a whole season of Survivor?"
"Now that show…" Cooper says animatedly.
"Cooper!" Kurt, Blaine, and Finn groan.
Cooper shuts his mouth.
Kurt moves towards his dad and gives him a hug. He doesn't even care that the netting has caught on the collar of Burt's flannel shirt. "I'm so glad to see you, dad. What a wonderful surprise."
"Oh, just wait 'til you see what I have cooking on the grill," Burt says proudly.
"Oh thank God," Finn cries and clasps Burt on the shoulder, moving past him towards the cabin.
When Burt gives them a bewildered look, Kurt rolls his eyes, Blaine shakes his head, and Cooper exclaims in a heavy Boston accent, "He's stah-ving!"