She had given her her lopsided grin,the one she would give her when she's forgiving her for assuming. She had used to do it a lot before she came around. Assuming meant trouble and she had learned to master her thirst of knowledge and words thanks to her girl. Poussey had smiled to her,just the evening before,and uttered those two words:I'm sorry,baby.She was about to bring her hand to her head the way she usually would do when she meant to convey something important,but she raised her brow and apologized with her eyes anyways . Just her usual way to make amends. Was she apologizing for dying,in advance?No she couldn't have known. Did it even make sense to wonder if death was the way out by now?She had tried it but Poussey had stopped her. She had stopped her,and then she was on the floor asking for the same thing she had given her back the day she had tried to kill herself. Of the day she had tried,she had jumbled memories,scattered in her brain,the one thing she could remember was that damn cafeteria. She had laid her head on HER shoulder,and she couldn't understand a word between the usual houmor and good hearted loudness of the girls from the Ghetto and the noises around her,but she had laid in HER arms and the world had stopped spinning,and she hadn't felt much like dying anymore. They had swam so weightlessly into the lake and she hadn't felt like dying anymore. This,this was worse than dying. It was having her heart ripped out of her chest while she was still breathing,and the person she had mostly loved in there away from her. She was just done. She was done with every good purpose of her life. A dead woman walking. Existing again. No more living. It was life throwing back at her everything she had taken part to in it to the moment she had gotten herself arrested and thrown in Litchfield. She had realized her life was a pitiful hole of nothing,and it almost seemed trivial the blame she had felt right after having seen her on the floor,when her first thought had been that she should apologize back to her for the fight they had had in the morning,and then scolded herself because there was nobody to apologize to anymore.I'm sorry,baby.The one time she had begged her to support the protest she had killed her. She had killed the woman she loved.I'm sorry,baby,you had so much to live for.They had a lifetime of plans which would never be fulfilled. From the job Poussey had been promised,to the apartment they would've never bought,to their trip to Fiji,to the neverending sentence pending on her head for having survived. Not even death was a good escape anymore,she deserved the place she stood in. She deserved to live half alive. I'm sorry baby,it should've been me.
I'll just say this...I'm gonna miss P forever. She was the hope when things were hopeless. I loved her and Brook together and now it's only the latter and the legacy P left behind. And I hope it will live on.