Chapter 1: Einsamkeit

The RED team's Medic carefully stroked with her right hand the resting dove that sat upon her shoulder. It cooed happily and warmly at her delicate touch, nuzzling up against her with delight.

She frowned at the small bird. The way it was pleased with her love. The way it was enjoying having somebody to care for it, always be there for it to make it feel better when it was sad.

There was something bothering her. Something that had been bothering her for several months. Something that would never leave her mind, itching at the back of her mind every day. Whenever she was eating breakfast, taking a shower, working in her office, there it was. Causing her annoying headaches and depression.

No matter what situation she was in or what feeling she held at the time, the bother always came back, haunting her; causing her sadness and sometimes anger. She would shut herself out from her teammates at several times, too. It was beginning to sicken her….

The only issue with this was, she did not know what she was feeling, not at all. No matter how long or strongly she would think about it, she could not guess or discover. The feeling always held back the strength of her thought.

Perhaps she was feeling upset about something...

No... Not upset... Upset was the feeling she got when something that she had put effort into ended up not working the proper way she wanted to. Maybe what she was feeling was...

Anger... No, it could not be. Anger was the feeling she got when nobody was listening or paying attention when she was attempting to make a proper statement. Perhaps the feeling was...

Greed... No... It was not greed. She never felt greedy during these situations. Nor was it wrath, or gluttony... or any of the seven sins. None of those at all. What she was feeling was something that not a simple pill or any sort of medication could rid. What she was feeling was something that nobody wishes to feel for this long. What she was feeling was...

Loneliness...

Loneliness it was. She was feeling more and more lonely every day. And she had no idea that it was loneliness. It was eating her alive and there was nothing she could do about it until she discovered what was causing it. That was another thing that bothered her. She did not know what it was.

It was not her job, she loved her work. Her teammates were kind to her, She had plenty of things to do, she was never bored, Always new things to discuss and earn, and the pay was fantastic. It was not her job. Her job did not make her lonely.

However, her job was part of the problem. she did have a clue as to what the main cause of the depression was...

After her application had been accepted by the Mann Co. industries to join the team of Reliable Evacuation Demolition, She needed to leave her home in Germany, abandoning her husband. He was quite as upset as she was when he realized she had to leave. Without his love at home, there was nothing he could hold at night, nothing he could kiss, or cry to when he was sad. Medic felt the same way. Her husband may have been smarter, stronger, and maybe even a bit more advanced than her, but she missed him. A lot. And living at the base for more than two years had not done her any good at all. It was just one more thing to be depressed about.

The rest of the team did not quite know about her husband yet, but they might as well know soon before they start inquiring about her depression. She did her best to keep her husband close. Under the glove upon her left hand's ring finger lies a diamond ring, the one she wore during her wedding. She had no photos of her husband that she was allowed to bring, her husband wanted to keep them so he could look at them when he missed her. So the only thing Medic had to remind herself of his warm embrace was that ring.

She was getting sick of looking at the ring as well. It pained her, but she never wanted to take it off because that would upset her more. She kept her gloves on most of the time, and did take it off when preforming surgery to prevent it getting lost. But all the ring did was remind her of her husband, making her feel more and more lonely. Make her feel sick, depressed, and mad. Very mad, very grumpy, and very very desperate for the loneliness to go away.

But no matter how much time she spent with the team, no matter how many doves she let flutter around her office, there was an emptiness in her heart she could not fill. And it bothered her to the point of extreme anxiety.

She needed her man, her love, to hold her, and make her feel worth something.

This was all too much for her. But she had lots work to do, and this feeling was not going to hold her back from that in any way.

"Aufwachen, Herr Scout!" She demanded, glaring down at the sleeping male, tangled in his bed sheets, dawning in nothing but a pair of grey boxer shorts. "It is going to be a big day today! Take your shower and eat breakfast."

The scout groaned and tugged the covers a bit more over himself. So typical of him…he never did get out of bed when told. Even when the team's Soldier marched down the hallways with a trumpet, Scout ignored the noise and stayed in his bed. Maybe not asleep, but still comfortable.

Medic had to wake him up most of the time. Growing up in a small town in Germany with no parents to care for her, she was taken into an orphanage and raised by the strict caretakers. So, she knew all about how to be dominant and strict, and with Scout being the childish person he was, she ended up being strict quite a lot.

"Get up, Junge!" She boomed at him stomping her foot down on the floor aggressively.

"Five more minutes..." Scout grumbled, reaching for a second pillow to hold against the side of his head. Medic was getting annoyed by the boys stubborn behavior. She was not willing to put up with this garbage anymore. She had dealt with it more than enough times, and she knew what to do in this situation. She grabbed the bed sheets and tugged hard, throwing Scout off of the bed and making him land on the floor flat on his face.

There was a thump at that action, and Scout immediately jumped up from the pile of sheets and pillows that now lay upon the floor of his room. This was not the first time it had happened, and clearly not the last time it would happen.

"Jeez, Doc..." He complained. "Do ya gotta do that every frikkin' mornin'?"

Medic turned around to exit the room. "Nein, but it seems I have to considering zhe fact you are never able to get out of your own bed."

"Why don't ya do it to anyone else on th' team?"

"Because, zhey all seem to know how to get out of zhere beds on schedule."

Scout growled. He knew that the doctor was correct, but he felt that it did not give her the right to throw him off of his own bed. "Ya know Doc, you are like, the queen of bitches. Like... You cannot be compared to any otha' bitch 'cause you would outmatch 'em."

"Hmmph." Medic marched out angrily to the shower rooms. On the way there, however, she felt a bit of regret. She was tired herself, she could not argue. If she was forced out of bed like the way she did to the Scout every morning she would be as grumpy and irritated as he was.

But that was nothing compared to how grumpy and ticked off she was herself. What would it matter, anyways? The most sleep she had gotten during these past months was about three hours a night. It gave her migraines, headaches, and regret. No matter how hard she tried she could not sleep. It was not only the constant work and papers she had to file, but the depression that stabbed her mind every other day. The depression she wanted gone.

She tried phone calling her husband every once in a while, but no matter how many times she tried, he would never pick up. Not even once. He had called her once, to check up on her. but that was months ago. He never called back after that, and never answered the phone. Medic started to worry for him. Was he okay? Is he hurt? Does he need me? Is he as lonely as I am? She would never know until she returned to Germany to reunite with him once again.

Once Medic had made her way to the shower rooms, she sat down upon one of the benches. She would need to wait for the males of the team to finish their showers. It was very inappropriate for a married woman to take a shower with a man she was not related to in any way, even if she did know them well as a teammate.

It was not long before Heavy Weapons guy had entered the shower rooms. Heavy was the biggest male on the team, the man that nobody picked a fight with. Medic looked up at him as he walked by. The Heavy was a strong and bold man, he was intelligent and even caring once you got to know him. Medic looked up to him as a role model sometimes. She always wondered if he ever dealt with depression. Probably not, considering he had a strange relationship with his minigun, who he loved and cared for and never left alone. He even slept with the gun sometimes. And if you touched that gun, he would threaten you. Nobody ever touched his gun, nor did they understand his strange obsession over it.

"Doktor?" A voice called.

Medic shook her head and looked up. Heavy was standing in front of her, looking down with curiosity. She had not been paying attention; Heavy had probably walked up to her while she was thinking.

"Hallo, Heavy..." Medic muttered with no effort. Honestly she did not feel like talking right now.

The Heavy wanted to talk though. He had noticed Medic sitting by herself. He knew why, of course, but he found it sad. He had noticed her constant frowning, wherever she was. He knew something was going up. He needed to help her, and talking to her about it was the best he could do at the moment.

"Doktor looks upset dis week. Is someting bozhering her?"

"Nein..." Medic lied. Of course something was bothering her. She just felt she was not ready to tell anybody about it yet.

"But doktor is looking very sad-"

"I am fine, Herr Heavy... Leave me alone, bitte..." She cut him off. That sentence came out a bit more rude than she intended, but she did want to be left alone.

"Okay..." Heavy sighed and frowned as he left, feeling upset himself. Medic was feeling even more regret now. Why was this happening to her? This anxiety was consuming her. And she was lashing out on her teammates. Last week she had aggressively yelled at her team's Sniper when he started talking to her about love. And a few days before that, she had kicked her team's Demoman out of her office when he started talking about how he was feeling lonely.

Whenever the depression struck on her, Medic struck on her teammates. And there was nothing she could do about it. She took pills, kept a balanced diet, and still, It was eating her alive. No matter how hard she tried, it became stronger.

Medic sat there for a half hour or so before all the males had left the shower room. She grumbled as she got up, finding it offensive that the males did not let her shower before they did. What ever happened to the saying of 'Ladies First'? As she got undressed, she walked into the shower and turned the knob to the cold setting.

Nobody knew why Medic liked cold showers; everybody else on the team either took warm or hot showers. Most of them found the doctor's liking for cold showers a 'woman' thing. To be truthful, most women hated cold showers. Medic just enjoyed them for the chill, and the cold shower usually gave her a memory. She remembered walking through the cold rain on a spring day with her husband, how he would hold her hand, how he would keep her close...

Oh god, there it was again. How could she get her mind off of her depression if she kept thinking about the cause of it? How could she feel better if her happy memories kept turning into regretful ones? It pained her so...

Medic tilted her head back, and let the cold drops of water rinse her body. It was the only sensation she had acquired so far today...

After taking another lonely, depressing shower, Medic dried herself off with a clean towel and got dressed in some fresh clothes. Her wardrobe every day was quite the same. Some well-made undergarments, a lovely suit, a pair of stockings and some white nurse shoes. They looked lovely on her every day, she always looked so clean and well dressed.

Her wardrobe was not a problem at all, it was her hair. After every shower, of course, she needed to dry and brush her hair. And she utterly dreaded looking at her hair in the mirror.

Medic was only two months away from 50 years of age, so of course she had some grey hairs growing. But most of those grey hairs came from her anger, and her depression. She did her best to hide them and make them look natural by putting her hair up in a bundle, but even then she still hated the look of it. She wished she could just shave her head sometimes, but that would look even worse. She needed to live with it.

She made her way to the meal table for her morning food. This was the area the team ate breakfast and dinner, lunch was usually eaten on the battlefield. Today the breakfast was Toast, Bacon, and Eggs. Typical. They usually had that combination for breakfast, considering that was the only breakfast the Soldier could cook. Nobody bothered about it, the bacon tasted fine and the eggs and toast were alright. All the Scout wanted to munch on was pancakes, nobody really knew why, and nobody asked. Nobody really asked Scout anything.

Sitting down at the table, nibbling slowly on a warm strip of bacon that had been waiting for her at the table, Medic looked around at everyone else there. They all seemed to be enjoying themselves. The Engineer was having a chat with the Sniper, The Spy was enjoying a smoke, the Pyro was playing with his food, everyone seemed to be happy.

Except herself.

She was getting sick of it.

You have every right to be upset,

Every right to be angry.

But please,

Do not let it consume you.