A/N: I'm trying my best to make this fic sound like it could be an actual SB episode. So let me know if it does or not. Be brutal if you must.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Wait a minute. That's why I can't afford things!
Odd Couple
Another day of meaningless existance had passed for a certain cashier. He and his absorbant neighbor were walking home, side-by-side, from their shifts at the Krusty Krab. The ocean was turning a pinkish color from the sunset.
"Hey Squidward," SpongeBob addressed him. "Wasn't it a great day?"
"No," Squidward answered.
"Remember when that guy ordered a double Krabby Patty with extra cheese? It doesn't get any better than that!"
"You really have it all, don't you?" Squidward stated, sarcastically. SpongeBob kept babbling away until they reached their street. Squidward opened his front door and stepped inside of his house. SpongeBob attempted to follow, but his face met the door, leaving a door shaped imprint on the sponge's face. After a second, it popped back to normal.
"Okay, see ya tomorrow, Squid!" With that, SpongeBob went inside of his pineapple.
Squidward tossed his hat to the side. Just then, the phone rang. He grumbled, then went over to answer it.
"This better be important," the octopus answered when he picked it up.
"I don't know about important, but this should be interesting. Miss me, Squiddy?" The familiar voice of Squilliam Fancyson replied.
"Whaddaya want this time, Squilliam?"
"My new girlfreind, and I want to invite you, and your girlfriend to a double date, at the fanciest restaurant in town. Don't worry, it'll be my treat. I know times are hard for the common folk."
"My girlfriend?" Squidward asked, confused.
"You told me you had a girlfriend, remember? Here, maybe a flashback will jog your memory." We then flashback to an earlier phone conversation between the rivals.
"Gee, I would love to enter Battle of the Clarinets against you, Squilliam," Squidward lied into the phone, in a mock disappointed voice. "But, I have a date with my girlfriend that night. You know how they get when ya cancel on them. Maybe next time." The flashback ends and Squilliam awaits his answer.
"Um.. W-well..." Squidward stuttered.
"Squidward, were you lying to me?" Squilliam gasped in mock exasperation. "You're single. I can see why. I wouldn't want to date a failure, either."
"I have a girlfriend, and we'll be there!" Squidward lied, letting his anger get the better of him.
"How wonderfull. See you two tommorow at seven." Squilliam hung up, leaving Squidward in a panic. He let the phone drop.
"How am I gonna find a date by tommorow?" He cried in frustration. The next few scenes are a montage of Squidward calling every single girl in Bikini Bottom, each turning him down, or making up some lame excuse. "I can't let him humiliate me again!" He groaned in anxiety, and started to sweat. He was about to give up, when he realized there was one last girl he hadn't called. "I guess she's my only hope."
...
Sandy Cheeks was spending her Friday night alone. She was sitting on her couch watching, Creature From The Black Lagoon, a big bowl of acorns on her lap.
"Ya'll call yourselves scientists?" she yelled at the screen. The phone rang as she popped an acorn in her mouth. She reached over and picked it up. "Hello?"
"Um, Sandy? It's Squidward," the voice of the octopus answered. Squidward? She wondered. What could he want? Something must be wrong, she couldn't think of any other reason as to why he would be calling her. SpongeBob must have "borrowed" one of her science experiments and used it on the grouch.
"Whacha need?" She asked. Without thinking, Squidward quickly blurted out his request.
"Ineedyoutobemygirlfriend!" Sandy is left dumbfounded.
"Uh, don'tcha think we should at least go out on a few dates first? Your movin' too fast for me." She didn't know how to reply, so she replied with humor.
"No no," Squidward corrected himself. "Can you pretend to be my girlfriend tommorow night?"
"Why?"
"My old rival has a new girlfriend. I told him that I have one, and he wants me to go on a double date."
"Why not just tell him you don't have a girlfriend?" Sandy tried reasoning. "There's no shame in bein' single. I am, and I'm happy as a clam." It was the truth. She found that keeping boyfriends around only gave her headaches.
"He just wants to rub his girlfriend in my face! I have to rub a better girlfriend in his!" Squidward explained, getting desperate.
"Don'tcha think that's kinda petty?"
"Please Sandy, just this one time! I can't just show up and tell him I lied. I can owe ya!"
"I don't know if I'd be comfortable with lyin'." She confessed.
Squidward tried a different tactic. "Where's your sense of adventure? You answered the phone, so you must be sitting at home tonight." Sandy looked down at her bowl of acorns, and realized this was true. It had been a while since she did anything crazy. She probably would be doing the exact same thing tommorrow night, anyway. He continued. "What? Is Sandy Cheeks, who does all sorts of extreme stunts, afraid to go on one little, pretend date? Never mind, you probably couldn't do it anyway."
"I ain't afraid o' nuthin'," Sandy confirmed. One of her flaws was letting people get to her. "I'll do it, but ya can't just show me off. I ain't a decoration!"
"Great! I can't wait to see the look on Squilliam's face! I'll pick you up tomorrow at seven." With that he hung up.
"You're welcome," Sandy said dryly to the buzzing sound , then set the phone down. She sighed. What was she getting herself into?
...
"Let's get this over with," Sandy said, as she sat down in Squidward's boat, the next night. She slammed the door and they took off. The octopus hadn't even bothered to get out of his vehicle when he picked her up. He honked the horn to let her know he was there. How romantic. She thought sarcastically. No wonder he can't get a date.
Sandy wore a purple, strapless dress, along with her air helmet. Squidward wore a tuxedo top, with no pants. (cartoon logic!) He explained everything to her on the way. She had to be the better girlfriend. Squidward didn't think it would be too hard. Knowing Squilliam, he probably picked up a ditz who was only into him for his money. Sandy was skilled in multiple fields. Sure she wasn't into the arts, and as cultured as he was, but he was lucky to get her to do this crazy sceme, and not just any simpleton in this town. They arrived at the restaurant, and exited the boat.
"Hold hands, and make it look convincing," Squidward ordered. Sandy, resentfully snatched his tentacle, and purposely squeezed it until it made a loud crunching sound.
"Ow! What's your deal?"
"Sorry, nerves," Sandy said, innocently and smirked, loosinging her grip. They found Squilliam and his date, a hot-pink fish with blonde hair and full lips, waiting at the door. Squidward wasn't surprised to hear that Squilliam had a new girlfriend, when he called. He went through girls like he did limos. He also wasn't surprised to see that she was at least fifteen years younger than him. The older he got, the younger his dates seemed to get. He was however, a teensey bit shocked that Squilliam Fancyson would be dating someone, not of his own species. Squidward gulped, and hoped this would work. Upon seeing Sandy, a stunned look briefly flashed on Squilliam's face, but he quickly hid it.
"There you are Squiddy," Squilliam greeted, as the phony couple approached. He gestured to the pink fish, who was texting. "This is Tiffany. She's the most high-class girl in Bikini Bottom." She really was a knock-out.
"Hey," she said, not looking up from her phone.
"Yeah. This is my girlfriend, Sandy Cheeks," Squidward introduced. "Sandy, this is Squilliam Fancyson."
"Howdy," Sandy greeted.
"So you really do have a girlfriend," Squilliam addressed Squidward. "And she's from above."
"Like an angel?" Tiffany asked, finally putting her shell phone away. Yup, total ditz, Squidward thought. Typical Squilliam.
"Not that high above," Sandy piped up. "I'm from Texas." She stuck out her hand for Tiffany to shake. Tiffany reluctantly shook it, then wiped her fin on her gold dress.
"Oh, you're a land creature," said Tiffany, seemigly disgusted. Sandy, feeling offended, was about to ask if this was a problem, when Squidward cut in:
"Shouldn't we go in now?"
"Yes, we're already fashionably late," Squilliam agreed. They walked in and were seated immideately, despite the long line. Squidward and Sandy sat next to each other, and Squilliam and Tiffany did the same, across from them.
"Wow, this place sure is ritzy," said Sandy, looking around the resturant. "They have karaoke in this fancy place?" She noted the stage and DJ. She looked across the table, where Squilliam was sitting. "Ya'll must be very rich."
"'Ya'll?'" Squilliam questioned. Squidward quickly whispered in Sandy's ear:
"Try to drop the accent." Sandy whispered back:
"Ain't happenin'" The waiter came and took their orders.
"So Sandy, you're okay with dating a cashier?" Squilliam asked, once the waiter was gone.
"You bet," Sandy replied after thinking up a good response. "Money doesn't matter to me." Suddenly, Mr. Krabs appears out of no where, and gets up in Sandy's face.
"What, in the Neptune's name, is wrong with you, woman?" He asked, then quickly walked away. They moved on as if it never happened.
"That's gotta be a pathetic relationship," Tiffany butted in. She held out her gaudy necklace. "Look at what my snuggles bought me. This is how you know a man really cares about you. Squilliam buys me whatever I want." Sandy wanted to hurl.
"So Tiffany, what do you do?" Squidward asked.
"Well, I just graduated."
"You finished high-school, wow. Squilliam, you must be so proud," Squidward mocked.
"She means college," Squilliam confirmed. Squidward wondered how this one had even gotten into college at all.
"I'm gonna be an actress," Tiffany added.
"Well, Sandy is a scientist, inventor, and a karate expert," Squidward bragged.
"Yeah, rodeo champion too," Sandy threw in, reluctantly.
"What a woman," said Squidward, looking smug. "I hooked a good one, eh Squilliam?" Sandy stomped on his foot, under the table. He held back a cry of pain.
"Don't push it," she mouthed. Squilliam struggled to come up with something to brag about, so he threw an arm around his date and they snuggled. Squidward did the same with Sandy, almost yanking her out of her chair. She whispered into his ear:
"Stop manhandling me!"
"Do somehing flirty," he suggested after seeing Tiffany stroking Squilliam's unibrow. (I felt weird typing that)
"Oh Squidward, why don't we save that for later," Sandy giggled, awkwardly. She figured it both sounded suggestive, and dropped the hint for Squidward to remove his arm. He did, and the rival couple also ceased their cuddling. "My beau is so affectionate." After a moment of awkward silence, the two cepalopods started arguing over classical composers. Tiffany looked totally confused, so she went back to texting. To be honest, Sandy didn't know much about classical music either, and had no idea what they were talking about.
"Oh, puh-lease. Sandy, tell this dunce that Beethtoven is way better than Mozart," Squidward asked her for back up.
"Um," Sandy searched for a response. "I don't know about those fellers. But, what about Johnny Cash? Or Patsy Cline?"
"Who?" all three of them asked.
"Those are country artists, right?" Said Tiffany. "Country music is sooo lame. One Direction, now that's the music you should be listening to." They all looked at her. 'Seriously' was written all over their faces. Sandy seemed angry that this brat was dissing her favorite music. "Where'd you find this hick?" Tiffany insulted.
"What d'ya call me? Ya little snot!" Sandy yelled, slamming her fists on the table. Rage bubbled up inside her. Everyone in the restaurant was staring at them. Squidward sweated with nervousness.
"Sandy, don't ruin this for me," he snapped into her ear.
"Attention everyone," the owner of the restaurant announced on stage. "It's time for karaoke! Any volunteers?"
Sandy and Tiffany glared intensly at each other. Before the cepalopods knew it, their dates were rushing onto the stage, leaving them at the table. Soon the girls were engaged in a karaoke battle. The songs switching between Sandy singing "Boot Scootin' Boogie," by Brooks and Dunn, and Tiffany singing/rapping "Super Bass," by Nicki Minaj. Squilliam ducked under the table in embarassment. A fish couple at a table next to their's were gossiping.
"That's Squilliam Fancyson's girl," the male said to the female. "How embarassing."
"I don't know who's more low-class," the female returned. "Her, or that land squirrel." After he listened in on this, Squidward took the opportunity to tease his rival.
"Why, Squilliam. Are you that surprised that your girlfriend isn't so refined? You should've guessed, knowing her age and all."
"She's graduated college, and your girlfriend isn't so 'refined,' either," Squilliam retorted, pointing at Sandy, who was getting into a hoedown. Squidward didn't understand why she liked this music, but it was better than Tiffany's taste. And he had to admit, the squirrel looked pretty cute dancing up there. He froze when he realized what he just thought, then shook it off.
The karaoke battle was getting more intense, as the girls pushed each other, fighting for the spotlight. They hopped off stage and sang around the tables. They knocked into them, plates falling to the floor and shattering. Customers walked out angrilly.
"My leg!" Someone cried out, amongst the chaos. Soon the girls were in a dust cloud, punching sound effects and all.
"We gotta stop them!" Squidward cried, standing up.
"What do you mean 'we?'" Squilliam said, getting out from under the table. "It's your girlfriend who's out of line."
"Do you have coral stuck in your ears? That air-head started it."
"Technically, your girlfriend is the air-head."
"You know what I mean," Squidward was getting angry. "Admit it. Your girlfriend is a complete ditz. I don't know why I waste my time trying to prove anything to you."
"Face it, Squiddy. I always have been better than you, and always will be," Squilliam taunted. The cepalopods were nose-to-nose by now, when they were interrupted by their dates.
"Squidward, gimmie your keys," Sandy demanded.
"Squilliam, keys, now!" Tiffany ordered.
"Why?" the two asked, simultaniously.
"Drag race! No questions!" Sandy yelled and snatched Squidward's boat keys out of his pocket. She karate chopped his face, leaving a split down the middle, when he tried to get them back. Tiffany also succeded in getting Squilliam's keys.
"Well, there goes my boat," Squidward stated flatly.
...
A few minutes later, the streets of Bikini Bottom were trashed, the boats were totaled, and the girl's stumbled back to their dates, outside of the restaurant, all battered and dresses torn. They were actually laughing together. They looked as though they were best buddies. Squilliam looked enraged when he saw Tiffany. Sandy was talking to her, as they approached.
"Now that was awesome! Why didn't you say ya weren't afraid to get down n' dirty?" She asked Tiffany. She turned to her fake date. "Hey, Squidward. D'ya know she loves boat racing? And guess what. She grew up dirt poor, just like me!" The girls giggled, pointing at their dirty, ripped clothes. Squilliam's head was steaming, as he yelled at Tiffany.
"I can handle a destroyed boat," he said to her. "I can always buy another one. What I can't buy back is my reputation. You humiliated me, Tiffany. I told you to reserve yourself and just look pretty in public, because you know nothing about class or culture! And I told you, no drag racing!" He was now shouting, while she hung her head. He turned to Squidward and Sandy. "And your girlfriend needs to control her anger! I have never seen anyone more unrefined in all my life! How can you be with her in public?" Sandy was about to snap at him, when Squidward piped up:
"I may not be as rich and successfull as you, Fancyson, but at least I now see that we've been treating our women like arm decorations. Sandy, I a-app-p-p..." He struggled to say it.
"Don't hurt yourself," Sandy cut in. "Appology accepted." Squidward continued his speech.
"Sandy may not be perfect, but she's smart, outgoing, and I can have an intellectual conversation with her. Sure she's not refined, but I don't care. When she gets fired up and draws attention from strangers, she's at least being herself. I don't need to show her off to you. So, good-night." He wrapped his arm around Sandy's shoulders. Her eyes were wide with shock. She couldn't beleive this was Squidward talking. "Let's go, Sandy. Everyone here is too stiff, even for me." With that, they walked away, leaving Squilliam with his jaw dropped in disbelief. Sandy shouted back at her new friend:
"See ya, Tiffany!" Tiffany waved good-bye. She then stood up to Squilliam, and got in his face.
"You better start treating me with respect!" She angrilly, shouted at him. He recoiled.
...
"Did you really mean that?" Sandy asked Squidward, as they were walking home in the night, as his boat was destroyed.
"Well we were just pretending to be a couple," he answered. "I guess you're not as bad as everyone else." Sandy playfully shoved him.
"Sorry about your boat. I can pay for the damages. If it makes ya feel better, I can't return this dress now." Squidward chuckled a little at that.
"Knowing my luck, SpongeBob or Patrick would've wrecked it anyway. Sorry I put you through this."
"No, I had fun," Sandy reassured. "If it weren't for you, I'd be all by my lonesome, watchin' Creature From The Black Lagoon, again.
"What's that?" He asked, genuinely curious.
"A movie. I'll have to show ya sometime. I think you'll like it." She thought for a moment. "I can't understand why you put so much effort into tryin' to impress that yuppie."
"I wonder too, sometimes," Squidward really did. "He just beats me at everything."
"Not everything," Sandy controdicted. "Any girl would be lucky to rope ya."
"Really?"
"'Course."
"I am quite a catch, aren't I?" He boasted. Sandy rolled her eyes. Squidward couldn't help but smile all the way to Sandy's tree dome.
"I guess I'll see ya later." She said, once they arrived.
"Yeah," he said awkwardly.
"Wanna come over tommorow night, and watch that movie?"
"Okay."
"Great, I'll invite SpongeBob and Patrick too," Squidward felt a pinch of despair at her words. Before he could say, 'never mind,' she threw her arms around him, and pulled him in a tight hug. A warm, fuzzy feeling flooded him. "I could get used to you. I just know ya'll are gonna love the movie!" She releases him and opens the metal door to her tree dome. "'Night." Once she's inside, Squidward lets out a sigh.
A mix of emotions went through him. He was releived that they pulled it off, confident, because he stood up to Squilliam, strangely happy that Sandy had hugged him, and told him that any girl would be lucky to have him, and dread for a night of torment from the two idiots that always made his life miserable. What a night.
He watched as Sandy went in her tree, then he headed home. It was pretty late, and he needed to get some sleep. He was sure tomorrow night was going to be a long one.
A/N: So did it sound like an episode? I don't think so. Oh, well. Please review! Btw, Creature From The Black Lagoon is one of my favorite movies!