Chapter One

Friday, October 11, 2013

Where do I even begin? This diary was supposed to record that last, insane week, but I undid everything. Now, I do not even recognize the last few pages before this one.

I want to write down everything again and somehow save that last week that never was. I want to save everyone, but life is … so not fair. I want the one person that I can never have.

Was this all a terrible, sweet dream? Did it really happen if I am the only one who has memories of it? I have to believe it did or her sacrifice meant nothing. She… would have just died on a shitty bathroom floor in a school that rejected her, under the protection of a man who abused her, and without hearing from a so-called best friend who abandoned her like everyone else in her life. No, I HAVE to believe that this was all worth it.

That decision was so fucked up, just like that Star Trek episode in which Kirk has to let the woman he loves die so that the Nazis don't win the war (I know I technically already wrote about that, but that diary no longer exists so I am allowed to repeat myself). I replay and rewind those last few moments together in my mind, again and again. I can't believe I am still asking myself this, with all of the lives at stake, but I still wonder if I made the right decision. She was so heroic, prepared to die for a corrupted town that could care less. She loved (!) me so much that she was willing to give me a choice, even if it meant her life. I don't feel stupid calling her my hero anymore. She totally earned it like a boss. She convinced me to do the right thing when I was ready to let my town burn. It would have been so easy to just sit back with her and do nothing. I just wish I had the balls to tell her how I feel about her before leaving. I guess our kiss goodbye will have to do.

I don't know if I can ever forget those horrifying moments back in the bathroom. I can't even look as I want to reach out, stop everything, and take that bullet. I know I can't. Screwing with time has just caused death and destruction. I can't ever risk using my powers again. If only I had intervened the first time I went into that bathroom, I could have saved her and this town. Why didn't I recognize my best friend that first time? If I had, would I have actually done something instead of hiding in the corner like a coward? I was so taken by grief that I couldn't even call out to her as she bled out on that tiled floor. She died abandoned. Some Everyday Hero that I am.

Although no one will ever know what she did, her sacrifice was worth it. I suppose it was our fate to be in that bathroom together but unable to stop that bullet. The universe (fuck you very much, btw) seemed happy as there were calm skies and no beached whales once I woke up from my photo slumber. How could her life mean so much to the world? I know she was everything to me, so maybe this is really just a sick punishment for being cursed with these powers.

The funeral will forever be seared on my mind as a brand marking this awful day. The only people other than me that were really upset over her death were Joyce and David. David kept it together for Joyce, but I knew that he was breaking down inside. From my time in the Dark Room, I knew exactly how much Chloe's death affected him. Some Blackwell classmates attended as well, but none really cared for her. I discovered through my text history that I had asked most of them to attend. I could not hear the pastor's words. I knew they would not be able to bring sense to this senseless death. The only one who knows what she did for everyone had to remain silent.

I saw that damned blue butterfly there, dancing on her coffin. Then I remembered that photograph, still tucked away in my bag. I could always go back if this became too much. That thought brought a smile to my face, which shamed me as this was the last time I should ever do that. Maybe I should tear that photo in half to remove the temptation to go back. I just can't bring myself to do that as it would feel like killing her all over again.

I now sit in my room, surrounded by pictures of her. The other me must have put all of these up. Part of me wants to tear them down so that I don't have to be constantly reminded of her. But I'm not fooling anyone. I can't stop thinking about her no matter what I do. No one would understand why I am so obsessed with her. To them, I did not know her at all. To them, I am simply traumatized from being in that bathroom at the wrong time. That she was the one who died did not really matter.

How do I go on from here? I can't tell anyone what happened, not even Warren. Sure, it's tempting to tell him as he took it so well before. But he had a massive tornado, freak snowfall, irregular eclipse, double moon, and piles of dead wildlife to convince him before. I could tell him, see what his reaction is, and then rewind if he doesn't buy it. But that would be way too dangerous. My powers nearly destroyed this town the first time. I can't ever risk using them again. I have to carry this burden myself. The only one who could possibly share it was buried today.

I feel so alone, so abandoned by the universe. I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone. Is this how she felt after I left her for Seattle? Some karma for me, I guess.

I wrote that last line and looked at the ink drying on the page. For some reason, I remember Jefferson's line: "There's nothing more innocent than a teenager's diary." Well, I think that's gone now from these pages, along with the week that never was.

As I sit back in my uncomfortable desk chair to collect my thoughts, a quiet, tentative knock hits the door.

"Max?" A kind, reassuring voice comes from the hallway. "Do you need anything? I brought some tea if you are up to it."

I sigh, not wanting the warmth of company today when my best friend would only feel, if she could, the coldness of her coffin. Still, I think to myself, I better not seem too distraught, and Kate is only trying to help.

I open the door to Kate's gentle face, full of concern. She is still wearing her black dress and has a cross necklace draped around her neck. "Thanks, Kate. I do miss our tea sessions."

"What do you mean?" Kate's worry deepened on her face, now causing lines on her forehead. "We haven't missed it this week."

I instinctively raise my right hand and then drop it immediately. Shit. I need to be more careful. Of course, we did not miss anything in this timeline. Kate never went to the roof on Tuesday. With Jefferson's arrest and the reveal of the Dark Room, Victoria and her bitch crew backed off of the Vortex Club video. Kate was able to go to the police and actually get someone to listen to her.

"Oh, that's right. Sorry, it's been a long day." I let Kate into my room and quickly close the door. Kate takes a quick look around, trying not to seem too nosy, unlike the room's owner. Her eyes rest on the pictures of my best friend posted along my wall. She then turns away before she thinks I notice.

"That's my . . . Chloe Price Photo Memorial Wall. It's much better than that crap I had up there before." I stammer at my best friend's name as saying it aloud brings painful and euphoric memories, which is really all I have left of her.

"Oh Max, you are so talented." Kate's words remind me of Monday: And Max ... has a gift. Memories of the Dark Room invade my thoughts. I resist the urge to shudder as I can't give Kate more reason for worry.

Kate doesn't seem to notice my inner struggle and continues. "You shouldn't say such things about your work. Still, your wall is nice. Before this week, I didn't realize she meant so much to you." Kate looks into my eyes, trying to reassure me.

"Thanks. She does. We were best friends since we were kids, but I moved away to Seattle. I never called or texted afterwards. For five years, I was dead to her. Then, when I finally moved back to Arcadia Bay, I did not even let her know. I am a shitty friend." I did nothing when she needed me the most.

"You took her passing the hardest of anyone, even Joyce." Kate pours a cup of tea for both of us. She then gives me a gentle hug and hands me a cup, still warm. She must have gone all the way to the cafeteria to prepare the tea. Others may have snuck in something to their room, but not Kate Marsh. "You got people together for her funeral. You have been over to see Joyce and David every day this week. Yes, you did not keep in touch. Sometimes, people drift apart. But you clearly care for her. That makes you a good friend, not a … not good one."

I take a sip of tea, and the hot liquid calms me. Kate sure knows what tea to buy, though I'm still mostly clueless. Is this earl grey, hot? "I know what you are saying makes sense, but I don't believe it. Thanks for coming over, Kate. It is nice to know that you care, especially today."

Kate sits on my couch and sips from her own cup. Kate puts on a smile that is warmer than the tea in my hands. "Don't worry about it, Max. I know you would do the same for me." Kate does not realize how true those words are. At least Kate never has to go through being on that roof, desperate to sleep forever. There are some things to be thankful for.

I nod and continue to sip my tea. This really is helping, though I wish it didn't. I want to wallow in this feeling for a while.

"You may not want to hear this, but she's in a bett…." Kate begins, testing the waters. I know that she is just trying to comfort me, but I am not in the mood for this. Kate really doesn't shove her religion on others, so I am surprised that she would say this.

"No, I don't," I immediately respond. "I know you believe she is in a better place, but I don't. She's buried in that cemetery. That's not a better place. She should be at home, yelling at her step douche and arguing with her mom. She should be roaming around American Rust, her home away from hell. She should be getting into all kinds of shenanigans. Not trapped in a coffin buried in a town she desperately wanted to leave."

Kate begins to tear up after my outburst. As if on cue, the sun begins to disappear from my window, darkening the room. "I'm … sorry, Max. I didn't mean to hurt you."

Fuck. This is the last thing I wanted. If only I could rewind those last few seconds. It would be so much easier. "I know, Kate. I'm sorry. I think I'm still angry."

Kate wipes a tear from her eye. "It's okay. I am angry at Nathan too." If only she knew that I was more angry with myself for failing my best friend.

"I can never forgive him, but I see where he was coming from. Deep down, I know he didn't want to hurt anyone." I finish my tea and place the empty cup on my nightstand. I can relate to the empty cup, once full of something wonderful, now sad and alone. Will I ever feel that happiness I had with Chloe again? It feels like that was also permanently sacrificed with her.

"I'm surprised to hear that. I want to believe I could feel the same way about someone who did something terrible to me like Nathan did to you." Kate also finishes her tea but keeps her cup in her hands. I want to tell Kate that she could forgive Victoria even after she nearly drove her to suicide, but I swallow the words before they could leave my throat.

"It's really his father that is to blame. I heard that his father refused to give Nathan the care that he so needed. Thanks for the tea, Kate. I think I should try to get some sleep soon." The sun has finished its disappearing act, and I am very tired. How long has it been since I have gotten a decent night's sleep? I turn on the power to the lights along my memorial wall, draping the room in a soft light. The pictures of Chloe are illuminated, giving them a spiritual feel.

Kate picks up my cup off of the nightstand, places it on her tray alongside hers, and begins to leave. Kate looks less concerned for me than before she came over. Good. Maybe I can fake being okay with all of this. Kate looks into my eyes intently. "I am here for you, Max, whenever you need me. You can talk to me about anything." I wish that was actually true. I can't talk to her or anyone else about that last week.

I open the door, letting Kate back into the hallway. I can see Victoria's door ajar, and I can hear some electronica coming from her room that I cannot recognize though it does sound like something that would be played at a Vortex Club party. It now dawns on me that Victoria must have missed going to San Francisco to be at the funeral. I tore my contest entry before taking that butterfly photo, and Victoria was going to win the contest otherwise. Why would she miss going to the Zeitgeist? She wanted to win more than anything, and she could care less about my best friend.

Victoria is near the top of the list of people I least want to see today, but I can't help myself. I need to know why she went to the funeral. "Thanks for coming over, Kate. I really appreciate your kindness. I think I should take your lead and thank Victoria for coming to the funeral."

Kate looks surprised but does not try to dissuade me from talking to Victoria. Perhaps she thinks that I shouldn't be alone too much today, even if it is with someone I loathe.

"You're welcome, Max. Again, let me know if you need me." With that, Kate makes her way to her room, carefully holding the tea tray as she opens her door.

I gingerly approach Victoria's door and see that she is inside, at her laptop. I could back away now. Kate and Victoria do not speak to each other, so I can put this off. Am I really ready for this?

As I question myself over whether to knock, Victoria, without turning around, states, "If you want to come in, come in. At least, don't stand next to my door without knocking like some creeper." Even over her music, Victoria could hear me talk to Kate. Victoria, unlike Kate, has changed out of her funeral attire. She is wearing a black cardigan with a yellow blouse and skinny jeans. A string of pearls graces her thin neck, clearly visible under her short blonde hair. Who wears pearls while hanging out in their room?

Things were so much easier when I could simply rewind all of my conservations. I could talk to everyone confidently, knowing full well what they would say and how they would react to whatever I said. This was especially true with people like Victoria. Even though I only had these powers for a week, I have a hard time remembering how I spoke to her without relying upon this ultimate conversation cheat code.

I take the invitation and enter her room, sitting on her couch. My thoughts turn to all of those times I went into this room last week when Victoria was gone. It feels so awkward to be in here with Victoria present. What does that say about me? "Sorry. I wasn't sure if I should disturb you."

Victoria pauses her music and turns around. A grimace appears on her face. "Whatever. What do you want, Max?"

"I just wanted to thank you for coming to the funeral today. I know that you missed the Everyday Heroes exhibit at the Zeitgeist to be here. That could not have been easy, given how much you wanted to win." I awkwardly fidget on the couch, unsure of my posture. How does Victoria intimidate me after that last week? I faced far worse in the Dark Room, and I know that deep down (maybe really deep), Victoria is a good person. It's probably that I feel like the old me at the start of the week, completely lacking superpowers.

Victoria notices my anxiety but does not call me out. "I did want to go to San Francisco. I did want to win. I knew I would because everyone else's photos are shit, and I am clearly the only one with talent that entered the contest. Though I am totally not sad to miss spending so much time with that drunk Wells, being there with other artists of my standing would have been amazing. I just couldn't do that to Nathan."

"What do you mean?" I reply, stunned. I read in my diary that Nathan confessed about Jefferson and the Dark Room to the police after he shot Chloe.

Victoria sighs, clearly annoyed at having to explain herself. "Look, Nathan asked me to go to the funeral for him. He is obviously upset, and he did not mean to hurt anyone. That bitch got what was coming to her, if you ask me. Trying to blackmail someone with Nathan's issues? Please."

"What the fuck? Her funeral was today. You could at least have the decency to wait 24 hours before hating her." I raise my voice as I can't stand to hear anyone say those things about her. Especially not today. Clearly, the Victoria I met at the End of the World Party did not exist yet in this timeline.

"Calm yourself, Maxine." Hearing her call me Maxine does the opposite of calming me. Victoria seems pleased that she is able to get under my skin. "I'm so over pretending that the dead were better people than they actually were. Remember Rachel? No one had a bad thing to say because we all knew, deep down, that something terrible happened to her. Yes, Nathan shouldn't have had a gun, but he told me that he needed it because he was afraid for his life. You know Mr. Jefferson coerced Nathan to do some horrible things and used him for his money. I don't blame Nathan for wanting some protection against that asshole. I don't forgive Nathan for everything that he has done, but he has problems and has been shat upon his entire life. Nathan is going to get what's coming to him, but your so-called friend shouldn't have provoked him so much." Victoria seems to be as upset as I am. Does she blame Chloe for Nathan's arrest?

"You have no idea what Chloe has gone through, what she has done for this town. All Nathan did was abuse and kill a bunch of helpless women. I can't believe you are defending him." I actually wish I could be a big enough person to forgive Nathan. I don't know if I'll ever be able to wish Nathan well, but I admire Victoria for being so loyal to Nathan. Maybe this is what Courtney and Taylor see in her? Though I wonder if Victoria would be so forgiving if she knew that she was the next victim. Unfortunately, I don't think Jefferson and Nathan got around to making her binder in this timeline.

"Nathan is like a brother to me. I can relate to some of what is has gone through. And Chloe? That punk has done nothing of value her entire life. I don't understand why you are so upset. You obviously don't give two shits about her as you never hung out with her even though you have been in town for a month. It's only now, after she died right in front of you, that you think you care. You probably didn't even recognize her in that bathroom. You are just feeling guilty for not caring."

I stare at Victoria, wondering if what she is saying rings true. No, what Chloe and I went through during the week that never was brought us closer. I do care for her, though there is no way I can tell Victoria this.

"Maybe you are right," I sigh. It's probably for the best if I pretend to agree. How can I explain to anyone why Chloe means so much to me? As far as anyone knows, I left her for five years without a word, then came back and ignored her some more. WIthout that week, there's no way to explain to anyone why I love her. I feel a tear sliding down my face.

"I failed her, Victoria. Fuck, I even failed Nathan. I should have stopped him." I start sobbing. I feel so weak for doing this in front of her, but it seems like the hopelessness that I was trying to suppress all day finally overwhelmed me. "I'm . . . sorry . . . Victoria," I let out through the tears. "You . . . don't need . . . this."

Perhaps it was my admission that I had failed Nathan, but Victoria moves next to me and holds me. "Look Max, it wasn't your fault. You couldn't have done anything there. You don't have superpowers. You don't have a TARDIS. Nathan had a gun and was right next to Chloe. If you had surprised him, he would have shot you. It's not your fault." Victoria's words and embrace soothe me. This is the side of her that I remember.

Victoria's Doctor Who reference reminds me of the action figure I found in her room that one evening, marking her as a closet nerd. I think she said that to put me at ease. "You are a good friend, Victoria. You still care for Nathan even after everything that he has done. I wish we could get over whatever bullshit is between us and get there too. We don't have to be enemies."

Victoria smirks. "Maybe we can, one day. But, let's not make coming into my room and crying a thing, okay? If everyone knew that gets me to cuddle, it would ruin my reputation as a cold-hearted bitch."

Taking that as an invitation to leave, I get up and move to the door. "I don't like what you said about Chloe, but thanks for not bullshitting me."

Victoria's smirk reemerges. "I'm not afraid to say what I think. Try to get some sleep, Max. I'll go back to hating your waif hipster ass tomorrow."

I leave the room, make the short walk back to mine, and enter, closing the door behind me. I am exhausted. Technically, I haven't slept since I was with alternate Chloe. I look at my new memorial. I think I can do this for her. She would want me to keep calm and carry on. I just don't know if my life will have that same happiness that I felt when I was with her. I think that is also buried in that coffin.

I change into my pajamas and get into bed. I am exhausted, so maybe sleep will come and my thoughts will go. I put my head on the pillow and close my eyes. My thoughts are filled with Chloe and whether I can live without her. Exhaustion soon sets in, and I succumb.

It seems like I immediately awaken, my eyes still closed. Somehow, I feel warm and protected, like I am meant to be in this spot. I then realize that I am being held. I quickly open my eyes, wondering if somehow Victoria snuck in my room.

I then notice that I am not in my room, but in some dingy motel room. I begin to freak out until I look down and see blue fingernails and a unmistakable tattoo with a skull and butterflies. I get out of the woman's embrace and turn around to see my best friend, beginning to awaken. "Chloe?!"

A/N:

Well, this game has also gotten me into the strange world of fan fiction. I am fairly new to the game as it beat me in early June. For whatever reason, many of the characters in the game, especially the central characters of Max and Chloe, deeply resonated with me, and I have this desire to see their story continue. Unfortunately, our overlords at DONTNOD have stated that a season two, which I would say is likely to happen given the overwhelming success of season one, would feature new characters as they feel Max and Chloe's story is done. This fan fiction is partly an attempt to argue otherwise. As the last word of the chapter reveals, this is more than just a sacrifice Chloe story, and I'm going to try to incorporate both endings. I'm going to have to make some concessions to do this, like starting with the bay ending.

Thanks to all of the other fan fiction authors as well as the rest of the LiS community. It's through your work that I have been inspired to write this piece as well as get through the PLiSD (well, as much as you can "get through" it anyway). I wanted to do something to contribute to the community, and given that I can't draw, am not into cosplay, and otherwise don't have artistic talents, I decided to get into writing. I'm aiming for a long series of at least 100k words as my favorite fan fictions are those that let me live in Arcadia Bay (or really wherever Max and Chloe are) for a while. I am up to 40k words for the rough drafts of Chapters 1-7, so I will probably easily surpass that goal.

I published this along with the first few chapters for reasons that will become apparent if you decide to read on, though I guess the title is a good clue.

One of the things that I love about the game is how complex the final decision is. During my first playthrough, I quickly chose the sacrifice Chloe option as that choice seemed like it was the only morally acceptable one to make. However, after obsessively reading the game's subreddit and other discussion on the interwebs, I have discovered some very convincing reasons to choose bae over bay. Though this story begins, like my first playthrough, with the bay ending, I hope to explore that complex decision.

This story will partly be a commentary on the game, and I will use these author notes to further that discussion. I'm going to base the story on my interpretation of the events of the game, and the author notes will explain those connections. This game is really thought provoking as there are plenty of unanswered questions that can reasonably be answered in multiple ways. I hope this story can provoke such discussion.

I think it's reasonable to assume that regardless of the slight smile at the end of the bay ending, Max is not going to be fine with how things turned out. This is not the type of decision that one simply forgets and moves on from. The most significant lines in "Spanish Sahara" point to thoughts of Chloe tormenting Max as time goes on. The song progresses from:

I am the fury in your head

I am the fury in your bed

I am the ghost in the back of your head

to:

Choir of furies in your head

Choir of furies in your bed

I am the ghost in the back of your head

This intensification implies that Chloe's death will get harder, not easier, with the passage of time, and the lines themselves show that the death will be with Max forever. Max didn't just sacrifice Chloe. She also sacrificed parts of others who Chloe touched.

Another reason why Max may doubt her decision to sacrifice Chloe is that she does not destroy the butterfly photo, unlike in the bae ending in which she emphatically tears the photo. If Max was sure that sacrificing Chloe was the only decision that could be made, she would have torn up that photo as soon as she went back to the bathroom.