Uncle's Big Splash - By Sligguy
It was quite an average day for Uncle. He was foraging in the woods as he always did on a Thursday. It was his was of letting it all out. He felt that it was fitting for him to relieve his stress in this manner, as he used to be a bird once.
Yes, at one point in this old and crusty man's life, he was once a noble Eagle, soaring across the woods, up above the trees and the houses. "Oh, how it felt to be young" Uncle reminisced to himself.
He looked around suddenly, sensing a foul presence with his Eagle powers. He whipped his head to the left. Nothing. He whipped his head to the right. Nothing. "How suspicious" he muttered to himself.
Uncle felt uneasy now, as if the horrible presence was looming over him in the bushes, so he leapt out of the bushes suddenly and sprouted his majestic Eagle wings that he had decided to bring with him on this journey. He flew to the nearest tree branch and perched there. He cocked his head quickly, listening.
Torhu sauntered out of the bushes nearby wearing his special skimpy maid outfit. The man had such style, such sass, so much SWAG that Uncle's heart fluttered. He fell out of the tree, and plummeted to the ground. Luckily, Torhu was there to catch the wrinkly Eagle man. "Oh my" Torhu remarked. "Are you quite alright Master Uncle?"
Uncle nodded, wrapping his hands around the big fellow's neck. "I am now, my faithful assistant." Uncle winked. "I am now."
Torhu placed Uncle down gently, patting him on the shoulder. "I'm so glad to hear that" he commented. Torhu glanced around, his eyes narrowing. "Are the preperations ready?" he asked nervously, his voice a mere whisper.
Uncle leaned in close to the hulking beast of a French maid, running his tongue along his assisstant's neck slowly. He licked all the way to the great man's ear before whispering his classic "of course." Torhu shivered in ecstasy, blushing softly and panting ever so slightly. Uncle giggled at the large maid's show of pleasure, before turning away from the man and hopping into the nearby shiny SUV, parked in the foilage and covered in stealthy moss.
Uncle patted the seat next to him; the passenger's seat. Torhu blinked before letting out a little squee and hopping into the passenger's seat next to his partner-in-crime.
Uncle shifted the vehicle into fifth gear and sped off through the jungle, not even waiting for his large lackey to put his seatbelt on for him. Torhu tried struggling with the seatbelt for a moment before deciding that it was far cooler to go without it. "So" he began, his voice having to compete with the thunderous roar of the engine. "What's the mission this time, Boss?"
Uncle turned his head to face the large man in the frilly dress sat next to him. With a stern look and fire in his eyes, the old man roared a fierce "What?!"
Torhu resisted the urge to facepalm, instead deciding to repeat himself. "What's our latest mission, Boss?" he asked, louder and more clearly than before.
Uncle simply nodded, calmly weaving in and amongst all the trees, rocks and bears that were cluttering up the dense forest. Torhu looked confused for a while, but couldn't find time to ponder his wise friend's actions before the skinny man took a sharp right, veering the duo over a canyon with a strategically placed ramp, carved out of rock and smoothed to perfection. The SUV launched over the canyon and hit the other side with ease, doing a triple backflip in the process.
The boys stepped out of the battle-worn vehicle, watching as it rolled backwards into the canyon behind them. The skinny one glanced up at the larger one, busting out his agent shades and slipping them over his eyes. The larger one followed suit, pulling out his shades from the generous chest area of the maid outfit and attaching them to his face.
Once the pair were suited up, Uncle pointed over to a generic-looking builing on the desert horizon. "There.." he muttered to his partner, lowering his arm slowly. Torhu spied the building and nodded in understanding. This day was about to get hairy.
The buddies began their trek, power-walking towards the building. Torhu wanted to ask why Uncle didn't just fly there with his powerful Eagle magic, but knew better than to question the limitless wisdom of his master.
After an hour or so, the duo finally arrived at their destination: a generic-looking gray building sat on its' own in the middle of a mighty desert. They stood at the door, not knowing just what to expect on the other side. Uncle reached under his wings and revealed two great and powerful magnum revolvers, while Torhu pulled an assualt rifle out from under his short skirt.
With a nod from his mentor, Torhu procceded to boot the door off its' hinges. Uncle stormed into the murky blackness of the room, firing his revolvers wildly. Several screams came from all angles of the room. Torhu recognised these screams as Lion screams. Torhu dived into the mysterious room, rolling onto his feet in the center. He turned 360 degrees on the spot, firing in every direction. The Lions dropped all around him, and soon there were piles of Lion bodies strewn across the room.
Uncle flicked the light switch, illuminating the pitch black room. The carnage would have been sickening to the average man, but Torhu and Uncle had seen far more than any man should ever have to see. This was their business, and they were all too used to it. Torhu inhaled the musky scent of death filling the room rapidly, letting his bloodlust rise. Slowly, he walked towards the next door in the hideout and booted that one in too.
Uncle cartwheeled into this new room wielding a machete. He kicked the closest Lion square in the jaw, landing on its' skull and crushing it beneath his Eagle claw. A pair of Lions rushed to the old man, eager to get revenge on their newly departed, but the Lions quickly dropped to the ground as a perfect shot from Torhu's custom pistol flew through the Lions' skulls. Uncle didn't have time to give his bro a thumbs-up, though, as another Lion was coming at him from his left. Uncle made short work of the threat with his machete, slicing cleanly through the beast.
Meanwhile, Torhu tore through a crowd of vicious Lions with his twin uzis, before cleaning up the room with a phat rocket launcher. Torhu demolished the building then, blowing it to pieces with his highly explosive rockets.
Uncle looked to his young assisstant and nodded slowly, breathing in the hard days' work. They sighed in unison, gazing into each others' eyes as the sun set in the distance. "That was a good one" Uncle murmored, walking over the rubble and bodies to his partner. "Mission accomplished."
Torhu nodded, taking Uncle's hands in his own and blushing lightly. "I'm so glad" the big man giggled.
"Shall we take our leave?" Uncle suggested to his ally. With a nod from Torhu, Uncle walked his lover into the undying sunset.