Someone hacked into the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. Or retail stores either. Which is just as well. Just some madness from my tiny little brain.
The Data Breach Deflection
"Another day, another round of store closings!" Pam said cheerfully as she walked in with Cheryl, Lana and Ray. They were carrying several bags each.
"And another group of great bargains," Ray grinned.
"I got like so many shoes," Cheryl said. "Some of which I will actually wear."
"Which ones are going this week?" Cyril sighed. He and Krieger were in the bullpen.
"Stuff Forgotten," Ray told him. "Carlotta Susse. Buy More Shoes. That milkshake place across from Stuff Forgotten closed down."
"I really liked that one," Pam frowned. "Video Valley is also closing. I got a bunch of cool DVDs for only a dollar."
"There are still video rental stores?" Krieger asked.
"Not anymore," Pam shrugged.
"I got four pairs of men's shoes that are actually halfway decent," Ray said. "Well actually two of them are slippers. But they're comfortable and cheap."
"Just like you," Pam quipped.
"Awwww," Ray smirked. "Flatterer."
"I found three tops that will fit AJ in Carlotta Susse," Lana said. "Sized extra-large."
"Isn't Carlotta Susse that store that caters to teenagers?" Krieger asked. "And AJ is like three now?"
"What's your point?" Cheryl asked.
"What else?" Cyril asked with a sigh.
"USA Gals," Lana showed the bags. "I bought every African American doll series they had. Both of them."
"The clothes of all the other dolls still fit," Ray said. "We got a ton of them for AJ's birthday. All for very cheap."
"How cheap?" Cyril asked.
"Let's just say some of us used a five-finger discount and leave it at that," Ray admitted with a shrug.
"Said the guy with the really fast bionic hand," Cheryl scoffed. "And legs."
"You two stole way more than I did!" Ray snapped.
"We are not the ones who just had to have one last tea party with those dolls!" Pam looked at him.
"But you are the ones who stole the tea party sets!" Ray snapped.
"Hang on," Cyril interrupted. "Tea party sets? Tea parties?"
"It's one of those stores where you get to have tea parties with your kid and actual dolls," Pam explained. "Let's just say there were more adults having the tea parties than the kids and the dolls combined. To be fair, they did have some very good pastry."
"There were a lot of loser parents and gay guys there," Cheryl said. "And this one creepy guy in a trench coat."
"I would like to point out," Pam said. "We are not the ones who started the fight with trench coat guy. Or those two angry moms boasting about their kids. They're the ones that started those fights."
"But we did take advantage of them," Ray admitted. "Their tea sets are nice!"
"They really are," Cheryl nodded.
"You guys stole everything didn't you?" Cyril groaned.
"Technically not everything," Cheryl pointed out. "Lana insisted on paying for some of the crap. We took all the rest out the back while the brawl was going on."
"Are you people insane?" Cyril snapped. "And even as I asked the question…You idiots are lucky security didn't catch you!"
"What security?" Pam snapped. "They were like the first ones let go from that store!"
"Leave them alone," Lana snapped. "Thanks to Cheryl I only had to spend twenty dollars for two dolls, ten books, five doll outfits and a free toy dog."
"I told the manager I owned the company and I had the power to give out discounts!" Cheryl giggled. "They actually believed me!"
"Those that didn't just didn't care," Lana shrugged. "I'm saving these for AJ's birthday."
"I got her a horse for her dolls," Pam grinned.
"Damn it!" Ray snapped. "Wait, which one? The Appaloosa or the Palomino?"
"Neither," Pam said. "I got the last Thoroughbred they had. The brown one."
"Oh good," Ray sighed in relief. "I got AJ the Palomino."
"I thought you got her that stuffed unicorn," Cheryl blinked. "I saw you take one."
"That's not for AJ," Ray said guiltily. "Hey! I deserve a treat okay?"
"At least I'm almost done birthday shopping for AJ," Lana said. "I'm leaving the toys in my office."
"Sure, that's what a detective agency is for," Cyril said sarcastically. "Where else would you hide stolen goods?"
"What's crawled up your ass and died?" Pam asked.
"Whatever it is," Krieger said. "It's not one of mine."
"We're supposed to be a detective agency. But the only thing this agency has found are sales at the mall!" Cyril snapped. "We can't find any missing people or solve any cases. But if there's a store within forty miles going out of business, we're on it! Like vultures we pick at the dead and dying carcasses of retail!"
"You say that like it's a bad thing," Pam remarked. "Besides half of this crap I sell online for a profit. Not a large profit but still…"
"This is a detective agency!" Cyril snapped. "Not a screw around agency!"
"Since when?" Cheryl asked.
"You seem a little tense Bunky," Ray quipped.
"You think?" Lana looked at Ray.
"We need a case okay?" Cyril snapped. "Any case! I don't care what it is! Following a cheating wife or husband! Protection! I'll even settle looking for a stupid lost dog! We just need a job!"
"Is that all?" Cheryl asked. "Well why didn't you say so? I think I can get the perfect job for this agency!"
"What exactly do you think is the definition for the perfect job for this agency?" Ray asked. "Just curious."
"One where we don't do much and make a ton of cash duh!" Cheryl rolled her eyes. "I'm not an idiot!"
"Debatable," Cyril said.
"Just let me make some calls," Cheryl waved as she put her bags down and left the room.
"Great! Now we're resorting to Cheryl to get work!" Cyril groaned.
"We were already doing that," Ray reminded him.
"Oh God we were…" Cyril moaned.
"I know," Lana sighed. "But let's be honest Cyril. There aren't exactly that many clients knocking at our door."
"Since half of the clients we had are dead as doornails its not surprising," Pam admitted.
"And those that aren't," Lana growled. "Will be. If I ever get my hands on them."
"Gee I wonder why we don't get many repeat clients?" Cyril asked sarcastically. "I'm even thinking of calling Ms. Archer and asking her if she's got anything."
"Don't bother," Lana sighed. "Mallory isn't exactly as focused as she usually is."
"With her son being in a coma," Ray said.
"That too," Lana admitted. "Let's just say she's taking stronger medication now."
"Legal medication?" Cyril asked.
"I didn't ask," Lana sighed. "Didn't want to know."
"That is usually the safest course of action," Pam admitted.
"Looks like all those retail stores won't be the only ones going out of business at this rate," Cyril groaned. "Only difference is nobody will come to our going out of business sale!"
"Yeah this economy has been a real bitch lately," Pam nodded. "Speaking of which I wonder what job Cheryl is gonna line up for us this time?"
"Whatever it is," Krieger remarked. "You know it's gonna be a lulu."
"I could go for a roasted pig," Pam said. "And some pineapple upside down cake!"
"That's a luau," Krieger corrected.
"Oh right," Pam realized.
"Okay…" Cheryl walked in. "I just called a member of my board who knows somebody on a member of another board who knows somebody on another board. Who knows somebody in a government position in California. He said that it would be very likely that person would call soon!"
"Soon?" Cyril asked. "How soon?"
The phone rang. "That's pretty soon," Ray blinked.
"I'll get it!" Cyril went to the phone. "Figgis Detective Agency, Cyril Figgis speaking."
Cyril paused. "Yes. Yes, we do provide those services. Oh yes, we're very discreet. Yes, I understand. I see. Of course…Hang on." He left the room.
"Why is he leaving the room?" Cheryl asked.
"For some privacy I guess," Ray shrugged.
"But he's just going to tell us what the job is anyway," Cheryl said. "Why bother?"
"He's giving the client the appearance of confidentiality," Krieger explained. "Before he tells us what it is."
"Oohh," Cheryl nodded. "So Cyril's being professional? Huh, never saw that before."
"It is a rather rare sight in this office, I admit," Ray sighed. "What do you think the job is?"
"Who cares?" Lana said. "It's work! Maybe we can finally earn some hours around here?"
"Hours, schmours," Krieger said. "I want the cash!"
"Me too," Pam nodded.
"I just hope we can handle it," Lana sighed.
"Usually we can't," Pam said. "But that's never stopped us before."
"Yes, yes…" Cyril walked in still on the phone. "I will have my team get on that right away. We will be down there first thing in the morning. No problem. Goodbye."
Cyril hung up the phone. "Problem…" Cyril groaned. "Oh boy…"
"Well?" Lana asked. Cyril ignored her and went to the bar. "Cyril?"
Cyril took out a glass and a bottle of scotch. He poured himself a drink. "Did we get the job or not Dickless Tracy?" Pam snapped.
"Oh, we got the job all right," Cyril sighed. "Boy did we get the job." He then took a drink.
"So who is the client?" Lana asked. "And what's the job?"
"You want to know who our client is?" Cyril asked. "And what the job is?"
"That would be nice, yes," Lana said sarcastically.
"I see," Cyril said. "Our client is Mr. Andrew Webster. He's in charge of the entire records department of the State of California."
"And?" Lana asked. Cyril responded by taking another drink. "And?"
Cyril held up a finger as he finished his drink. "Cyril!" Lana snapped. "Spill it already before I make you spill your drink! And some of your teeth! What's the job?"
"Apparently," Cyril poured himself another drink. "The State of California had a data breach incident several months ago. Someone broke into the vital record banks and stole some information, which they're not exactly sure what was stolen. However, they have narrowed down that the data stolen mostly contained birth records and adoption records."
"That seems like a really important…" Ray paused. "Wait a minute."
"Somebody hacked birth records and adoption records from the government?" Lana asked. "That's a really serious…Wait a minute."
"Uh huh," Cyril sighed.
"Why are you all freaked out about a government data breach that happened months ago?" Pam asked. "Wait a minute…"
"What?" Cheryl asked. "It's no different than what we did several months ago when we were held hostage by Barry. You know? He was looking for his birth mom and held us and Ms. Archer hostage? We all had to pretty much overload all the power on the entire street to hack into the records. Causing a huge brownout because we downloaded like pretty much all the records they had."
"Wait a minute," Krieger said to the others.
Cheryl paused. "Ohhhhhhhhhh!"
"YES!" Cyril snapped.
"Let me see if I get this straight," Lana was stunned. "You got us a job investigating a data breach of government records which we broke into?"
"Cyril why did you say yes?" Ray shouted.
"What was I supposed to say?" Cyril snapped. "Sorry, we can't investigate that crime because of a conflict of interest!"
"We're basically investigating ourselves for a crime we committed!" Lana snapped.
"One of many crimes we committed," Ray added.
"That's where the conflict of interest part comes in," Cyril remarked.
"How did they find out about the data breach in the first place?" Ray asked.
"Apparently they recently had an audit in the records office of the entire state of California," Cyril groaned. "They had an independent group that studied the records and data and figured out that there was a data breach that night."
"That's not good," Ray frowned.
"But they have no clue who did it," Cyril went on.
"That is," Ray sighed. "Wait, why do they need us to investigate? Why don't they just use the group that discovered the breach in the first place?"
"Because the group that discovered the breach didn't have the proper credentials," Cyril sighed. "Technically."
"Technically?" Lana asked. "What do you mean by technically?"
"About a few weeks ago it was Take Your Daughter To Work Day," Cyril sighed. "There are a lot more girl coders than there used to be."
"Are you saying my hacking was discovered by a bunch of high school girls?" Krieger was stunned.
Cyril looked at him. "Middle school actually."
"Yikes," Pam winced. "Our generation is gonna be toast in the work force in the next twenty years!"
"Obviously the government can't tell the public that their records were hacked into and a bunch of middle school girls were the one who found it," Cyril sighed. "When all their own employees and data managers didn't! So, they need an independent agency to reaffirm what the independent group already found out!"
"What if the middle school girls blab?" Pam asked.
"They've been bribed with A's in their computer classes and free coupons to several toy stores," Cyril said. "They're keeping quiet. But the government has no interest in keeping quiet once they track down whoever is responsible."
"So if they find out we're responsible…" Cheryl paused. "We may not get paid. That's the problem, right?"
"Not the biggest problem but yes, Cheryl," Cyril sighed. "It's a problem! Among other bigger problems. Such as losing my private eye license. Losing my business. GOING TO PRISON!"
"Technically what we did was a federal offense," Krieger said. "We could go to prison for years!"
"Years?" Pam scoffed. "Try decades!"
Lana realized something. "I need a drink."
"Me too," Ray nodded.
"I could go for a shot of that scotch," Pam said.
"Me too," Krieger admitted.
"Yeah!" Cheryl giggled. "Drinking time!"
Cyril got out several glasses and poured them all a drink. They all drank in one gulp. "Okay so…" Cyril paused. "I'm gonna need some ideas here."
"Well…" Krieger paused. "I could say I need at least two to three days to thoroughly go over all the data. Maybe even a week? That could buy us some time."
"Enough time to book a plane ticket to a country without an extradition treaty," Ray mused. "I hear Costa Rica is quite lovely this time of year."
"Why don't we just tell them that we didn't want to do it but a crazy cyborg made us?" Cheryl asked. "Oh, is it the fact that they might not believe us?"
"That is a very good possibility Cheryl," Cyril groaned. "The same odds as the sun coming up every day!"
"This is bad guys," Pam said. "Really bad. If I go to the slammer my bitch sister Edie will never let me hear the end of it."
"I could miss AJ's entire childhood," Lana realized. "She'd be in college by the time I got out."
"Are you kidding?" Pam snapped. "AJ's kids would be in college by the time we get out! We gotta do something!"
"Do what everyone does! Blame the Russians!" Cheryl said before she took a drink. "Duh!"
"She's right!" Cyril realized.
"I said Duh!" Cheryl said.
"What?" Ray did a double take.
"Think about it!" Cyril said. "Barry was KGB for a while. It's totally plausible they'd want to find out more information about their former leader gone rogue!"
"Totally plausible," Ray realized.
"And his former girlfriend is the head of the KGB and probably wants revenge," Lana realized. "It's not that implausible. Of course, we'd have to leave out the cyborg part but…"
"But it would be very easy for me to fake some evidence that it was the KGB that caused the data breach," Krieger added. "I mean it's the KGB! Odds are they probably did hack into the government already!"
"They pretty much hack into everything else," Pam admitted.
"Wait," Cheryl paused. "Are you sure it's a good idea to blame the Russians for something we did? I mean…What if they deny it?"
"They're Russians, Cheryl," Lana said. "Nobody is going to care what they say! Nobody will believe them! We'll be in the clear!"
"Oh," Cheryl said. "I get it now!"
"All I have to do is fake some evidence that it was a KGB hacker that looked into the system," Krieger said.
"Can you do that?" Ray asked.
"Please," Krieger waved. "If I've done it once, I've done it at least fifty times. I used to do it all the time for Ms. Archer back when we were a spy agency. You know? When we accidentally leaked sensitive information."
"That explains a few things," Lana remarked.
"Blame Katya! Blame Katya!" Cheryl sang happily to the tune of Blame Canada. "She's an evil cyborg bitch! It's not hard to label her a snitch!"
"Blame Katya! Blame Katya!" Pam added.
"We get it!" Lana snapped. "Krieger are you sure you can do this?"
"Uh I once fooled the head of the CIA and the head of the FBI as well as two senators and a general all at the same time in the same war room," Krieger scoffed. "Even Ms. Archer didn't know what I did until I told her. I'm pretty sure I can pull one over on a low-level civil servant."
"Then let's do it!" Cyril said. "What have we got to lose? Oh right. EVERYTHING!"
A few days later…
"Why is this taking so long?" Pam asked. She was in the bullpen with Ray and Cheryl.
"Krieger said he had to have time to slip in the hidden program and make it believable," Ray said. "Not to mention we have to make it look like we did a thorough investigation."
"I've had blood tests that were less stressful than this," Pam groaned.
"They're coming back now!" Cheryl pointed.
"Well?" Ray asked as Lana, Cyril and Krieger walked into the room. Krieger was carrying a briefcase. "Did they buy it?"
"They bought it!" Cyril grinned. "Operation Data Deflection AKA Cover Our Asses was a success!"
"They bought it?" Pam was stunned.
"Oh yeah," Lana said. "Here's the kicker. Apparently, Barry has been on the radar for the CIA and a few other secret agencies."
"Since when?" Ray asked.
"Since he took over the KGB years ago!" Lana said.
"There was this agent from the state department that showed up," Cyril said. "I mean we didn't say anything about him being a cyborg but apparently he's been doing some freelance missions on his own. In between you know? Healing from Archer's attacks."
"I wonder how that thing with his mom went?" Pam asked. "I can't be the only one curious about that."
"Long story short they still think Barry is with the KGB for some reason," Cyril said. "We didn't exactly correct them."
"I guess it would be a little suspicious if we said anything about Katya," Krieger paused.
"That's she's a female cyborg that you created out of the dead body of Archer's dead fiancé?" Pam asked. "Who was formerly a KGB agent before that. And after she became a cyborg, she ran off with Barry back to the KGB. And then she took over the KGB from him? And that Archer has been in contact with Katya at least once since then?"
"You can see why I kept my mouth shut right?" Krieger asked.
"Oh yeah," Pam nodded. "Why didn't they know about Katya?"
"I don't know," Lana waved. "Either Katya is smarter about keeping her identity secret from the authorities or the state department is full of sexist pigs. I'm guessing the latter."
"The state department guy made a comment," Krieger sighed. "That's all I'm going to say."
"Their intelligence department doesn't have much," Lana grumbled.
"They did seem a little behind in the know, didn't they?" Krieger asked.
"Long story short," Cyril said. "We're in the clear! And the Russians and Barry are getting the blame for the data breach!"
"How much did we get paid?" Ray asked.
"Thirty grand," Cyril grinned. "Plus, we may get more investigative jobs from the state government. And we improved our reputation to boot!"
"Couldn't have made it any worse," Pam said.
"You'd be surprised," Krieger shrugged.
"So, what happens now?" Cheryl asked.
"Oh, the usual," Lana waved. "America will blame Russia. Russia will deny everything. It will go back and forth until the next incident. Trust me, nothing is going to happen."
Meanwhile in Russia…
"Comrade Kazanova!" A handsome young man with short cut black hair wearing a Russian uniform ran into Katya's office. "Something has happened!"
"Oh, what now Piotr?" Katya sighed as she worked at her desk. Boris was pouring her some tea.
"The United States has accused our great nation of hacking into their databases," Piotr explained.
"And…?" Katya sighed.
"Let me guess," Boris said. "More files of the Democratic Party?"
"No," Piotr shook his head.
"The Republican Party then?" Boris asked.
"No."
"Libertarians?" Boris asked.
"We actually bother with them?" Katya asked.
"Eh yes but it's more like a goof than anything else," Boris shrugged. "If you want a light read. Besides it wouldn't be right if we left them out. Makes them feel included."
"No, no…" Piotr shook his head. "They claim that we hacked into the data records of the State of California. Looking for information on one Barry Dillon."
"How the hell did they find that out?" Katya shouted.
"So we did do that?" Piotr blinked.
"Of course we did," Katya said. "It was one of the first things we did when the KGB first captured Barry and turned him into a cyborg! You know we do background checks on everybody! But I always assumed that our programmers and hackers were too smart to be caught!"
"I remember that," Boris frowned. "Wait, that was years ago. How are they just finding out about this now?"
"They're not too bright," Katya waved. "Most of them probably still believe Barry is in charge of the KGB. Then again, I don't exactly advertise my position. Easier to do spy work."
"They said that we hacked into their systems looking for information on Dillon during this time period," Piotr showed them some papers.
"Ha! We didn't hack those systems!" Boris said triumphantly. "Well on that day!"
"That couldn't have been us then," Katya realized. "We were too busy hacking into Space Book, Quickie Leaks, the United Nation's data on Nuclear Proliferation, and Mindy Mohan's divorce files."
"I know!" Boris giggled. "So many scandalous details!"
"Did not expect that thing with the husband, the tennis instructor, the yoga instructor and those stuffed unicorns," Katya nodded. "Wow!"
"That was a fun one," Boris nodded.
"It was wasn't it?" Katya nodded.
"So, if it wasn't us that time…" Piotr blinked. "How…?"
"Hang on," Katya frowned as she looked at the papers. "It says here that the breach was verified by a private agency…In California. By a Dr. Krieger…"
"Seriously?" Boris groaned. "Those guys? How…?"
Katya sighed. "Knowing that lot. They probably caused the data breach themselves. Probably forced to do it by Barry. Then blamed us for hacking into that system to find out information about Dillan to cover their own asses."
"But we did do that," Boris said.
"Yes, but they didn't know that!" Katya snapped. "They just got lucky. Which proves even a broken clock is right twice a day."
"What do we do now?" Piotr asked.
"Just tell the State Department to follow usual protocol," Katya waved. "Deny, deny, deny. No matter what evidence the Americans bring up. They're Americans. Nobody is really going to care what they say anyway! Well nobody we are allies with…We'll be in the clear."
"What about our leader?" Piotr asked. "And the Committee?"
"They might care," Boris admitted.
"Simple," Katya waved. "Do what we always do. Blame Mallory Archer and her agents."
"It has worked very well in the past," Boris admitted. "Jackov did it all the time for decades."
"See?" Katya said.
"But Sterling Archer is currently in a coma," Piotr frowned.
"But Dr. Krieger isn't!" Katya snapped. "It's not that hard! Just come up with some evidence that he faked the whole thing. And that the American government is trying to blame us for their own incompetence! It can't be that hard to do!"
"Please," Boris snorted. "If I did that once I did it at least fifty times. Always worked for Jackov."
"So you want us to fake evidence that the Americans faked the evidence of something we actually did?" Piotr blinked. "And say some other Americans actually did what we did?"
"It's called Espionage 101!" Boris told him. "DUH!"
"He gets it," Katya pointed to Boris. "Why can't you?"
"Seriously Piotr," Boris remarked. "Get with the program."
"This is no big deal," Katya explained. "We do something and then deny it. They do something and then they deny it. It just goes back and forth, back and forth and nothing ever happens. Until someone does something else and then there is a new cycle of blame going back and forth."
"That's Working at the United Nations 101," Boris quipped. "We will be fine."
"We just need some hackers that are technically not affiliated with us," Katya said.
"It's Take Your Daughter To Work Day," Boris said. "The local middle school girls' computer class is touring the upstairs."
"Perfect," Katya said. "Just tell them it's a class project and everybody gets a passing grade. Maybe even a coupon for a toy store?"