Something always brings me back to you
And it never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I can still feel you here til the moment I'm gone...
It had begun innocently enough, taking the opportunity to get to know her coworkers better, agreeing to go for a drink after work, and ending up at this stupid arcade with stupid video games and stupid batting cages.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
How could she have let herself get sucked in to this by the promise that it would be fun? And it would have been; except for the giant Gail shaped black hole that had opened up in the middle of her chest where her heart used to be. She excused herself from the batting cages, and had fled to the restroom before anyone caught her eyes tearing up. Memories of the final Skype conversation with Gail, almost two months ago, still haunted her. Gail was right. This had been her choice.
This was supposed to be the best time of her life! She, Holly Stewart, was supposed to be living the dream. She had moved to San Francisco, the world's gayest city, to accept a position as Director of Forensic Pathology at the University of California, where she was in charge of Crime Scene research and analysis, with one week out of each month spent at UCLA in their world renown crime lab as a visiting scientist and lecturer. There were seemingly endless resources, in comparison with Toronto's fairly tight budget, aging equipment, and tiny lab at the city morgue, as well as some of the best and brightest scientists in her field with which to collaborate on projects she would never have dreamed possible, back home. So what was she so upset about?
Home.
And there it was. That one tiny word describing the bump in the road, the fly in the ointment, the rub - as her Mom used to say. San Francisco wasn't home. Home was with a sarcastic, angry, impetuous, blonde police officer she was trying so hard to forget.
Quickly splashing cold water on her face, Holly stood up a little bit taller, dried her eyes, straightened her glasses, and reapplied her lipgloss. She knew she couldn't stay here, so she made a poor excuse, hopped on the Bart, and returned to her apartment in the tall building overlooking the bay.
It wasn't until she was safely alone, with a glass of wine, a large dish of rocky road ice cream , and Return of the Jedi on Netflix that she managed to begin to feel a little bit better. She picked up her phone and shot off a text to Rachel in hopes of getting a sympathetic ear. She knew this was dumb, but if she texted Lisa, Lisa would be annoyed that she was still hung up on that stupid beat cop, as she still liked to call Gail. Lisa would impatiently remind her of how she was so far out of Gail's league, and nag her about not dating other successful professional women. Lisa would tell her the best way to get over someone was to get under someone else - or in Lisa's case, a different someone else as often as possible. Lisa couldn't understand how Holly had moved to San Francisco, and had yet to get laid. Holly smirked and rolled her eyes.
Holly woke with a start as the credits were rolling on he tv, to the soft vibration of her phone ringing next to her on the couch. Her neck was stiff, her mouth was dry, her glasses were askew, and she was sure she had been drooling. Lovely. She answered without bothering to look at the id, sure that it was Rachel finally calling her back.
"Hey." Gail's voice was soft in her ear, "Are you ok? I called you as quickly as I could..."
"Gail..? What...?" She managed to stutter, now fully awake.
"Your text. You asked if I had time to talk. I know we decided to stop, but I promised that I would never simply ignore you again, so here I am." Gail stated patiently.
Holly sat up and looked at the text history on her phone.
Shit.
She had accidentally texted Gail instead of Rachel.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..." Holly began.
"It's ok." Gail's voice softened again.
Holly managed as she felt her throat close around the giant glacier forming there, making it difficult to speak. "I know it's hard, but I don't think that I can do this..."
"Then why did you text me?" Gail snapped, starting to sound defensive, "Ya know what, maybe I should go."
"No!" Holly gasped with alarm, "I mean, Gail please..."
Damn! Stupid wine! Why did I have to drink the entire bottle and then fall asleep? She chided herself vaguely. Her head felt heavy and thick.
"What do you want from me?" Gail sighed.
"I can't." She began again, desperately trying to form coherent sentences, "I can't not talk to you!" She finally managed.
"Holly." The way Gail said her name was breaking her heart all over again.
"It was the stupid batting cages fault!" She pouted.
There was silence on the other end of the line. She could hear Gail breathing, and the ticking of the clock on her kitchen wall, and the beating of her own heart. The air was suddenly too thick, like she had been dropped twenty thousand leagues under the sea and was struggling to find her way back to the surface. She got up and started to pace.
"Well it was!" She knew she sounded like a child about to stomp her foot on the ground and cry, but she didn't care, "If it wasn't for them everything would be fine! I would be fine! But no, I just had to go out with the people from work tonight. What was I thinking?! I was fine! I was learning to live without you. My research was starting to come together nicely, my students like me, my coworkers respect me, my apartment is great with a lovely view of the bay. I was fine..."
"We tell each other things. You don't sound fine." Gail interrupted.
"I miss you." Holly whispered, feeling as if allowing those words to escape sucked all of the air in the room with them.
Rain fell dense and heavy, shrouding the city in grey, and blanketing the bay with a thick white fog. It beat a staccato rhythm on her umbrella and muffled the sounds of the usual urban symphony, giving the city a dream like quality. Humidity clung to her skin, it fogged up her glasses and made her hair hang flaccid and damp across her shoulders. She knew she should have stayed inside, but she couldn't. Nervous energy danced across every single one of her nerve endings even though she stood as still as stone. Waiting. An eternity passed, and still she stood rooted to the spot. Watching. And then it was time.
Headlights flashed on the obsidian pavement as the taxi pulled up in front of her building. Her heart thundered as a black umbrella covered in little yellow scull and crossbones finally popped out from the passenger door, soon to be followed by a slight figure clothed in black.
There were so many questions that needed to be answered, so much they needed to talk about, and yet her mind was completely blank. They walked inside together in silence, riding up in the elevator stealing shy, sideways glances. It wasn't until they were safely in her place, and she had locked the door, that Gail turned to her. Her clear, wide eyes were exactly the color of the chicory flowers that grew next to the dock at the Peck family cabin where they had spent the best weekend of Holly's life. Gail's lips tasted like warm summer days, and cool rain, and necessity and just a little bit of minty lip balm. And just like that, for the first time in almost a year, Holly found that she could breathe again.