Description: Alphonse wanted to escape from himself. To just be. Like how the setting sun was beautiful. It could be looked at and admired but it never thought or felt pain. Elricest.
Disclaimer: hagane no renkinjutsushi does not belong to me.
Author Notes: Seeing in a person someone you are separated with and have the hope of seeing again is different then seeing someone without that same hope.
Aishiteru means "I'm in love with you."
He watched the trees. It was autumn and the leaves had begun to change. Gold and orange with random tufts of red.
The breeze blew tiny leaves and the sun sparkled through them, shimmering. Beautiful.
Alphonse wanted to escape from himself.
To just be.
Like how the setting sun was beautiful. It could be looked at and admired but it never thought or felt pain.
He had found this place one night when everything had become too much. It had saved him in a way.
He had been so sad. He didn't even know why. He just didn't want to exist anymore. Those thoughts had been with him for a long time now.
That night they had been so strong he had left with no destination in mind.
He had come across this place. The stars had been out then. He had stopped and stared forgetting his own self hate long enough for it to be less overwhelming.
It had called to him. He had wanted to keep walking.
There was something special about this place. It made the world seem better. His own plights seem insignificant.
"Al?" His brother's voice was soft and sad. "What are you doing out without your coat? You're going to get . . . You'll catch a cold."
Alphonse didn't look back at Ed. The air still spoke, demanding all of him.
He was afraid to speak and break the hazy spell cast over his mind.
Edward was kneeling in front of him.
He had come looking for Al after reading his journal. He knew it was private but Al had been acting strangely and he wanted to know why.
The first page had been enough.
Why am I alive? I should have died so long ago. Others do that don't deserve it like I do.
I want to fade away. Never cause pain again.
I make brother sad. I can see it every time he looks at me. Like he doesn't even know . . .
Sometimes it's so hard to keep going I almost do something about it. I'm too much of a coward to finish. I'm just glad Ed is as distracted as he is or he would never have believed it was an accident.
I want to die.
He felt so guilty.
It had been almost a year since Heiderich had died. It still hurt him to the very core of his being to think of him.
They had been lovers.
At first he had seen the similarities to his little brother. Eventually the differences appeared too.
It was an unpleasant realization that the situation had reversed.
Now that he had Alphonse back, he saw Heiderich. As if they were in the same body. Like he could pretend he still had them both.
He should have seen how Al took it.
Ed had been further unsettled that Al had found the place Heiderich used to go for comfort after he had become sick
"Why are you out here? In this place?"
Al focused on him and the question. "It felt right."
Ed sighed. He stroked two fingers of his flesh hand down Al's cheek. Al was crying.
"You don't really want to die again do you?" He blurted out the question.
Alphonse didn't seem to care about the invasion of privacy. "I'm sorry brother. I only cause problems . . . " He choked back a sob.
"No you don't! I don't know what I would do if you weren't here." A similar situation came back to him.
"I only remind you of him. That's the basis of our friendship. Don't you think that I might want more? All I do is make you upset. I should just go."
"That's not true! I love you!"
At that moment the past and present were so strongly mixed it was difficult to tell them apart.
He hated seeing either of his Al's sad so he did what he had done then.
Ed pressed a quick but electric kiss to Al's lips.
"Brother?" Al whispered. It had happened so quickly he couldn't even be sure it was real.
Ed stood, helping Al up. "Let's go home."
XXX
He watched Al sleeping spread out in an unconscious provocative manner. He touched the soft hair and face that reminded him of past love.
It was so hard to separate his emotions. Did he really feel this way about Al or was it the past playing tricks?
"Mmm?" Al blinked sleepily.
"Did I wake you?"
"No. I can't sleep."
"Why? Aren't you tired?"
"Uhuhh. I duno." He mumbled nearly incoherent, curling against Ed.
Ed continued stroking Al's skin.
He had thought Al had fallen asleep but a tired weak voice broke the silence. "Brother, do you hate me? For looking like him. It mus-t be so- so ha-rd..."
"How can you think I hate you? What did I do to make you like this?"
He wanted to cry himself.
Alphonse shook violently. "You avoid me and when you see me you look so sad and it's all my fault! Because I'm not g-g-good enough!" He hiccuped.
Ed crushed their lips together. "Never say that!" He kissed him again. Not caring if it was the past or not anymore. He would decide after. Al didn't have to know if it was.
It was blissful warmth and heat. So hot.
It burned away his tears and pain. Ed did care about him. He wasn't forgotten. He could make Ed feel the same way as Heiderich had.
Ed pined Al down and attacked his neck with kisses and nips. He got a loud moan in reply.
Al had never been touched like this before. All he knew was that he liked it.
Ed ran his tongue up to Al's ear and the younger bucked against him.
He let go of Al's hands to hook Al's legs around his waist. Rubbing for friction.
This time Al sobbed from pleasure.
Ed frantically removed their clothes and got Al's legs around him again.
His little brother was flushed pink. He was shaking just a little.
"Are you scared?"
"I don't know."
That was right. Al must be confused. He had never spoken of such things to his little brother. Al didn't know what was going to happen or what it meant. Ignorance could be just as much a hindrance as a bliss.
"Don't worry Al, it's going to hurt but I think it wont last long."
"Ok. But why don't you know?"
Ed bit his lip. The words 'Because he never told me.' Hung in the air.
Ed cupped Al's chin and kissed him tenderly. "I love you Al. You." Al kissed back tentatively. He got the hang of it quickly though.
Ed slid a finger in Al's entrance. "Don't stiffen like that, it'll make it worse."
He slide another in and heard Al hiss in pain. By this time the blush had darkened. Al dug his fingers into the blanket.
"I'm sorry." Ed said as he slid them in and out a few times then spread them.
Al twitched as more pain and discomfort shot through him. He thought it might have been receding though.
Ed continued until Al pressed into the fingers and let out a long husky moan.
He removed his fingers and spit in his palm. Al mad a face. A smile was behind it. They had both forgotten what had started this. That they shouldn't be doing this.
Edward rubbed his erection. Doing the best he could to lessen the pain when he entered Al.
He slid into his little brothers tight warmth and let out a sigh of pleasure. It was like coming home.
Al wrapped his arms around his elders neck. He managed not to groan.
They stayed together like that for a while before Ed began to rock back and forth. In and out. A gentle steady rhythm at first despite the urge to go frantic and let passion rule over care.
Why was it like this? Like it was his first time? He had entered similar warmth before. He should be used to it.
The truth was that similar really wasn't the same. Up until this moment he really hadn't seen how different they were. He had thought he had.
Heiderich had seemed older. It wasn't just that Al had a body that was five years younger then it should be. Their personalities were different.
Al was still innocent and new.
Neither was better, they were both special in their own ways. He loved them both. But one was gone.
Al moved with Ed's quickening strokes. He couldn't suppress the gasps and moans.
Ed jerked into him when everything built up sending him soaring. He found his release inside of Alphonse and hit the spot that had Al clawing his back and finding his own release.
Ed kissed the parted lips before collapsing beside Al.
Alphonse wondered if it was wrong to feel like he did. To love his brother more then he should.
Before Ed fell asleep he heard Al whisper. "Aishiteru brother."
XXX
When he woke, Ed was alone.
Had it been a dream? He couldn't possibly have done such a thing to his little brother could he? No mater how much he wanted to Ed knew it was a bad idea. What would they do? He still hadn't fully worked out his own feelings yet.
Then why was he in Al's bed? A nightmare? No, Al came to Ed's room for that.
He knew it wasn't a dream. It was too real. Other then that, there was the fact that he was naked and there was blood on the sheet. Wait. Blood?
Ed pulled on his pants and found Al in the bathroom.
"Did I hurt you? There was blood."
"No, I'm fine brother." Al had taken a bath and had a towel wrapped around his waist.
"That's good." He kissed Al's cheek in such a way a brother might, no a lover.
Something flashed in Al's eyes that was quickly hidden.
Al smiled. "I'm going to get dressed, the bathroom is all yours if you want.
After hurriedly putting on his clothes, Al had gone outside. He hadn't bothered to dry his hair or put it up.
So Ed regretted it. Had Ed been picturing Heiderich in his mind? Had it all been false?
XXX
Al had been gone a while now and he was starting to worry.
He checked where he had found Al yesterday but to no avail.
After that he began to wonder randomly where he thought Al might have gone.
It got dark so fast. The wind made it impossible to walk in a strait line.
XXX
He had been moving away from the house for so long it would take a while to get back.
Thunder cracked overhead. Still no rain.
He began to run.
Shivers ran through him, eventually he gave up on running to double over and fall to his knees.
It was so cold. His wet hair felt like ice and it had soaked his shirt too.
He was tired. It would be ok to sleep for a little bit. Just a bit.
XXX
He still hadn't found Al and was starting to fear he had gone in the wrong direction.
The thunder was getting worse. Lightning had hit not far off and he was terrified that Al would get to close to one of those strikes. What if there was a fire?
He sped up.
"Al!" He half gasped when he almost tripped over Alphonse.
He gathered him into his arms. "Wake up Al!"
Al's head lolled to the side. His brow furrowed slightly but that was all.
Ed was more scared then when he hadn't been able to find him.
"You idiot, you forgot your coat again." Ed wrapped his own around Al. What was it called? Hypothermia? He had to get Al warm.
He hugged Al to his chest and scooped him up.
XXX
Al woke slowly. It was hard to make his eyes open.
He was in front of the fire. Home. How did he get here?
The next thing he noted was that he was wrapped in about five million blankets. Give or take. And something else.
Ed was pressed closely against his back.
Al managed with much difficulty to turn and snuggle against his favourite warmth.
"You're awake." Ed's smile was watery as he brushed hair out of Al's face.
Al was beginning to drift off again.
Ed shook him. "Don't go back to sleep yet."
"Why? I'm tired, and cold. I just want to sleep." His words were slurred. It felt like his skin was on fire from the quick transition from cold to heat and his fingers were stiff and hurt. However long had passed since he had been brought in hadn't been enough for him to adjust fully.
"I'm afraid you won't wake up again."
Al made a 'Why would you think that silly?' face. Well, he tried to. He wasn't exactly sure if it had worked since he couldn't feel it properly.
"I just want to go to sleep for a bit, I'm so tired."
Heiderich hadn't woken up.
"Please?"
Al murmured consent and Ed pressed a kiss to his temple.
He trailed kisses down to Al's mouth. He focused on the kiss. Al was so delicate but never fragile.
"I love you Al."
Alphonse knew he had meant it, for the first time he knew for sure.
"I love you too."
A/N: Hnn, Did I actually write them taking their clothes off? If I didn't then to clear things up. No they were not already undressed. Eheheh. Behold my magical powers of clothing removal! So quick you won't even see it happen. (Edit: Ok, I put them taking them off.)
I know there probably wouldn't be blood since Ed was careful but I wanted to freak him out. '
I had a purpose at the beginning of this. About halfway though I got distracted and lost and wondered off for a bit. Me and my brain don't get along but normally we can call a truce long enough to get the story done. Glares at brain.
Brain. "Why do I have to do all the work?"
Me. "At least you came back I guess." Holds out hand. "Truce?"
Brain shakes hand and I'm electrocuted by a joke buzzer.
Moral of the story. Don't trust your brain. No wait, that wasn't it. Al is glompable? No... Oh yes! Wear your coat out side, or was it no one is the same so don't treat them as such? Or something like that. Come back here brain!