If Only We Could Say Goodbye
[End of 4.1, in the basement
Her heart was as heavy as the bag of coins. "You know, we didn't say goodbye."
Alex turned his head towards her and nodded, "Burke left you."
17 days. All Cristina could remember was that Burke gave her an out, without asking if that's what she wanted. She remembered her eyes were hurting so much she thought they were going to fall out. She knew she had not cried that badly since her father died.
Cristina Yang never liked failures. She hated it even more when she found out trying hard to regain what she's lost was no longer an option. Burke did not only take away a huge piece of her heart, but he also blew her chance to prove him wrong.
No, she was not mad at him. Sometimes Cristina thought maybe life would be easier if she could fill herself with grudge. But her senses wouldn't let her: Her skin remembered his gentle touch as much as her ears remembered his soothing voice. How could she hate Burke when everything she remembered about him was so wonderful?
"For how long will I miss him?" Cristina said absentmindedly.
Alex smiled lightly into the air, "Until you stop trying to forget him."
Cristina sighed. This wasn't how things were supposed to be. Of all the men she's encountered, Burke was the last one she would ever want to forget. In fact, he's become such an integral part of her life in the past 2 years that giving him up would be like unlearning how to breathe.
Which was exactly how she's been feeling—alive, eating, talking, walking, but not breathing. She was the zombie. Well, not really. Cristina was worse than her patient who rose from the dead after the car accident. At least Henry had a supportive family.
Cristina knew she had Meredith, although it wasn't clear to Cristina who's taking care of whom. She knew they'd stick together for the sake of being part of the "family", but it's becoming less and less real these days. It's only one way to show to the outside world that everything's fine when it really wasn't.
Burke was the man who made her want to have a family. Most people wouldn't have imagined that the ambitious female resident actually wanted to settle down. Burke probably didn't know it either. Cristina did not have a chance to tell him; Burke did not have the opportunity to hear her vows.
A family with body and flesh. A family that would stick together for better and for worse. Like Henry's. For a split second, Cristina wondered if she would ever meet another person who could rekindle her desire to be a wife and a mother. Immediately, she realized that even if such a person existed, she would push him away.
It wasn't going to be any other guy. It wasn't going to be any other family, but a family with Burke. Either that or nothing. Without Burke, Cristina would rather be on her own for the rest of her life. It wasn't too hard in the past 20 years. Surely she could handle being alone once more. Besides, she could always fill the void with work, right?
Cristina sighed again as she tried to convince herself.
Earlier that day, it pained her to see Henry's daughter blink at her dad to tell him how much she loved him. The little girl got to say goodbye to her daddy. Why wasn't Cristina given that chance when she was 9? Why was she deprived of that again when she's 29 and had finally found the most important person in her life?
The ones you don't get to say goodbye to are almost always the ones you'll never see again.
If only they could say goodbye.