Int. Disheveled Studio - Night
A pair of lights shines on a makeshift, ramshackled stage. A haphazardly constructed sign reading "Beers With Button" hangs overhead as a frazzled talkshow host, ERIK, in a pieced together suit fishesa beer out of a half-melted bed of ice inside his cooler.
The refreshing hiss of the beer being opened sounds as Erik cracks open a cold one.
Erik
(Lost)
So...ah, you're a...what was it you did again?
Erik flips through his note cards, worriedly searching for the answer.
Panning over, a large, purple anthropomorphic hairless cat sits next to him. Adorned in fine Egyptian styled garb, its yellow eyes narrow as he stares at Erik in annoyance.
Beerus
(Sneering)
I'm a god.
Erik
(Accutely relieved)
Right. Beers here is a god!
Beerus
It's "Beerus".
(Beat)
And I'll have you know I'm a god of destruction.
Erik sits there nervously for a minute, flipping through his cards.
Erik
Uuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh...
A man, LUKE, sits behind a camera, filming the interaction. Wearing a bored expression, he tries to coax something out of Erik.
Luke
Ask him something. Like, ah...I don't know...how does he balance work and family?
Erik
So! Bears! A...a god's got to be busy, right? How does someone like you balance work and family?
Beerus' eye twitches, growing more impatient by the second.
BEERUS
I'm an immortal being, so I have no family. And work? Well...I only do that every 30 years or so.
Erik gives a forced laugh, slapping his knee and pointing at the omnipotent being in jest.
Erik
HA! You only work once every 30 years? Obama's America, am I right!?
Luke facepalms, stifling what would otherwise be an intense groan of second hand embarrassment and all around loathing.
Erik, on the other hand, takes another swig of beer.
Erik
Berry. Tell me. And be honest! Do you think my hair looks better like this...
Erik swipes his hair to the right side of his face.
Erik
...oooorr...is it bet-terrrr like this?
Erik swipes his bangs completely back.
Beerus sighs, positively vibrating with rage to the point of nearly boiling over in his seat.
BEERUS
I thought you said there'd be food!
Erik looks attacked, shrugging.
Erik
I did? I mean...I bought pizza, but I mean that's my dinner, man!
Beerus' ears perk up.
Beerus
PIZZA!? What is this Pizza!?
His nostrils flare as he sniffs the air, his eyes zeroing in on a box of pizza nestled in an indescriminant chair in the empty audience.
BEERUS
THERE!
The human-sized cat floats out of his chair and hovers to the Pizza's side, plucking it out of the seat with his tail.
Erik
HEY, MAN! HOLD ON! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! I BOUGHT THAT!
Erik leaps out of his seat and grabs Beerus' tail.
Beerus glares at the talkshow host with hatred, a sputtering hiss of anger assaulting him.
BEERUS
IGNORANT SIMPLETON! I'LL TURN THIS PLANET TO ASH!
Beerus stomps his foot, a miniature crater the size of a golf cart forming as the floor crumbles beneath him.
Erik falls back, looking on with wide-eyed fright.
An eerie, inhuman buzz sounds - a dark ball of energy forming in the cat-god's paw. It crackles with menacing vibrance.
Luke's cool demeanor breaks, terrified for the life of the planet and his loved ones.
Luke
Jesus Erik! Let him have the pizza!
Erik backs up, knocking into a chair before nodding along with Luke's suggestion.
Erik
Okay, yeah bro! If...if it means that much to you...you can have it!
Beerus stares down at Erik with disdain for a moment...his palm closing and the planet-threatening orb of energy disappates.
BEERUS
Smart move.
The violet feline floats to solid ground, his tail bringing the box just in front of his face. With an eager flick of his finger, the top hops open and Beerus looks at it with child-like excitement.
BEERUS
Aaaah..."Pizza!"
His pink tongue slides across his maw in anticipation.
BEERUS
Cheese looks nice...sauce looks nice...I'm expecting a lot of good things out of this..."pizza."
Luke's head steadily turns away from Beerus and looks at Erik in disbelief.
Erik, on the other hand, looks distraught over his lost meal.
Meanwhile, Beerus' paw fishes out a slice of pizza, stuffing it in his mouth. He begins to chew...having problems with his first crack at this new, foreign cuisine.
BEERUS
Eck...ish..."Pizza"...thuppothed to be tho...brittle...?
He swallows after a little difficulty, a helpless cough, banging against his chest as he tries finish his mouthful.
Erik
H...hey...you okay?
Beerus continues to cough, falling over as he clutches at his throat.
Luke
C-christ! Erik...Erik! Get him a beer! I'll try to do the Heimlich!
Luke walks over to Beerus, supporting him against his chest.
Erik, on the other hand stumbles over to the cooler, sifting through the the ice wildly.
Luke places his fist against the cat-god's stomach, pushing at it...but it won't budge! Beerus is too inhumanly strong!
Erik looks over at Luke with urgency.
Erik
LUKE! LUKE!
Luke
(Still trying the impossible)
WHAT!?
Erik
WE'RE OUT OF BEER!
Beerus' obstructed breath grows more shallow, the color fading from his face.
Out of breath of his own, Luke drops him, the furless furry falling to the floor.
The life soon fades from his eyes, the god going limp.
Luke stares at Erik with a look of shock.
Erik stares back.
Silence.
Erik leans back against the cooler, his knees clutched close to his chest.
Luke
E-erik...call...nine -
Suddenly, a gold spark of energy appears in the center of the room - whirling around until it takes a humanoid form known as WHIS.
Whis floats in the center of the room.
Whis
Did...did I sense what I thought I did?
The floating, blue man in strange, elegant clothing peers down at Luke, and then at Erik - his line of vision finally falling on the expired Beerus.
Whis
Oh dear. Who did this? Who could even do this!? I don't feel anyone in this Universe with the ability to best Lord Beerus!
Luke extends a shaking, accusatory finger in Erik's direction.
Whis casts Luke a skeptical look.
Whis
Him? Really? Well then...
Whis hovers over to Erik, tapping his head with the large staff held in his hands.
Whis
With the God of Destruction gone, you must fill the void. Balance what you have unbalanced.
A ray of light strikes Erik's face, the talkshow host scared shitless.
Erik
WHAT!?
Luke
You killed him, so you have to become him. It's a Santa Clause-type deal! You know, like the Tim Allen movie?
Erik
Like Tim Allen? I...I've never touched cocaine in my life!
The energy consumes Erik, his body glowing. Soon it's emitting a brilliant white light, Erik rising into the air and hovering for a moment until the light fades...and Erik is replaced with...well, Beerus. Except he has Erik's glasses! And haircut! And he's slightly pudgier!
Whis
There we are.
Erik looks at his new cat paws, his body adorned with the same Egyptian-inspired clothing.
ERIK
Whoa!
Whis
(Smiling)
You are now the God of Destruction! Please, use your powers wisely and bring balance to this universe!
Whis turns away from Erik and gives a wave good bye.
Whis
Anyway...ta-ta! I'll be seeing you!
Whis disappears.
Silence sets in again, Beerus' dead body laying in the middle of the room.
Erik looks at Luke.
Luke looks at Erik.
A beat.
Erik
Well this is gonna make it pretty hard to host the talk show now isn't it!?
Luke seethes.
LUKE
Erik...ERIK...ERIK...DO YOU UNDERSTAND ANY OF THIS!?
Erik
What...that I'm like...a cat now?
Luke's hands grasp at his temples maniacally.
Luke
NO! You. Have. Power. What's a webshow to real, unrestrained power! Look! Look at that!
Luke points to the crater.
LUKE
You can do that now! You could even destroy the planet! Genghis Khan! Alexander the Great! Napolean! Dick Cheney! They all would have killed to have what you have now! You can HAVE ANYTHING! YOU CAN ACHIEVE ANYTHING!
Erik thinks for a moment, dawning on some sort of idea.
Erik
Holy shit...Luke...you're right...what I've become...I can do anything.
Erik ascends, breaking through the back wall of the studio without care. He floats to his car, opening the door and pulling something out of the passenger's seat. A box.
Erik flys back to the host chair and takes a seat. He opens the square box: fresh pizza.
Luke
Erik...Erik...what's that?
Erik
Oh? The pizza I bought. I think that stuff over there's like a month old or something!
Erik laughs.
Luke looks on in dead eyed amazement.
Erik
Luke! What are you doing? Film me already!
Luke dumb-struck, walks over to the camera and starts to film.
THE INTERNET - YOUTUBE
A page for a video titled "CAT EATS PIZZA - AND LOVES IT!" appears. The view count is 10 Trillion - the highest ever for a youtube video or anything else made by the human race.
END.