I have to give a shout out to IvnCastle for introducing me to Castle and also to a youtube fanvid by ERbearx1877 "Castle and Beckett Give Me Love." The song is omg amazeballs! I would listen as I read, but that's just me. I have only seen half of "Always" and then every episode shown thus far in season five. So, don't judge it too harsh. I'm new to the Castle fandom. Well without further ado...I hope you enjoy my first Castle fic.
"There is a universal truth we all have to face, whether we want to or not, everything eventually ends. As much as I've looked forward to this day, I've always disliked endings. The last day of summer, the final chapter of a great book, parting ways with a close friend. But endings are inevitable. Leaves fall, you close the book, you say goodbye. Today is one of those days for us. Today we say goodbye to everything that was familiar. Everything that was comfortable. We're moving on. But just because we're leaving, and that hurts, there are some people who are so much a part of us they'll be with us no matter what. They are our solid ground, our North Star, and the small clear voices that will be with us always."
~Alexis Castle's graduation speech
Kate sat on what had become their swings in the pouring rain. She let her feet draw small circles in the mud. She didn't care that her shoes were destroyed. Her mind raced with memories of him as silent tears fell mixing with the pouring rain. She flashed back to her apartment earlier that day.
"How the hell could you do this?" she remembered how angry she was.
"Because I love you! But you already know that don't you? You've known for about a year."
She looked at her mud clad shoes making circles in the puddle below her.
She remembered asking him if he was kidding her to have actually brought that up right now. More tears fell as she recalled what came next. She had the audacity to ask him how she could even trust anything he said after he had betrayed her. She accused him of betrayal. She knew that stung him deeply and that he was only watching out for her. She knew he knew she wasn't a child. Though, she was his Kate and sometimes the best form of loving in its entirety is when you just want the best for someone, whether it includes you or not. Castle only wanted the best for her.
She shook her head at the memory, for whom else could she trust so explicitly with her life? How could she doubt the man had almost taken a bullet for her for God's sake? Who was she kidding? She wasn't interested him right from the beginning. Though, over the years, he had stolen her heart and she had become his willing victim.
Now, her face fell as she remembered the look on his face when she asked him, "How can I even trust anything you say?"
His face had instantaneously fallen. It was full of such anguish, longing, frustration, and love. The love where one aches for the other so much so it hurts. She didn't acknowledge that in the middle of their spat, but the memory of the argument was hitting her full force right now and she felt awful.
She heard his response to why she should trust him replaying over and over in her mind, "Because of everything we've been through together. Four years I've been right here! Four years, just waiting! If you could just open your eyes to see that I'm right here and I'm more than a partner! Every morning I bring you a cup of coffee just to see you smile, because I think you are the most remarkable, maddening, challenging, frustrating person I've ever met. And I love you Kate and if that means anything to you. If you care about me at all please don't do this."
She told him he cut a deal for her life like she was some sort of a child. She demanded it was her life and that he didn't get to decide. To let them come. She could handle her mother's case and all that came with it on her own.
Afterward when he walked out of her apartment she broke. The anger, frustration, and all that she had held inside of herself both having to do with her mother's case and Castle came pouring to the surface. The tears pooled and she quickly wiped them away. She had a case to work and no time for emotional outbursts.
Though, the words Kate heard over and over again were his last words. Words she was not yet ready to accept even if she didn't admit it to herself until this moment.
Castle's words were so final, "This is over. I'm done."
She gripped the swing and inhaled a shaky breath.
Their shared hugs had become so much more than that. Every time they touched it was static electricity. She had shared so much of her closed off self with Castle. Tears fell at a more rapid pace, but she was so distraught she didn't even notice or care to wipe them away.
Now as she sat in the pouring rain her tears plentiful. She felt bad for saying what she had to Castle. For, they both knew she loved him just as much as he loved her. She didn't want to wait anymore. She didn't want any regrets and she couldn't lose him. She remembered hanging off the side of the building and thinking about no one, about nothing, but him. Screaming at the top of her lungs for him to be there and while Ryan rescued her, while she would be forever grateful, she had finally realized she needed Castle at that moment. She needed to hide in the comfort of his arms, because she allowed herself to break in front of him. Not Ryan and everyone else. She always seemed to need him.
She smiled thinking of their many other conversations, happier conversations. Lanie was right. Castle and she were more than just partners, so much more. She was starting to get cold, her mind like a dam that had burst flooding her hippo-campus with memories. She knew what she had to do and stood, her feet carried her back to her car on an autopilot. It was time. She needed him and more importantly she knew he needed her.
Castle had come home to his lonely dark apartment with one person on his mind. She was everywhere, and he couldn't get her out of his head. Their fight earlier today, the worry that ebbed its way into the back of his mind, the frustration, and the ache he felt in his heart for her. It was overwhelming.
He turned on what he used to organize his thoughts in his books on. He had constructed a type of smart board for Kate's mother's case. He cared. Why couldn't she see that? See just how damn much he cared! He sighed and deleted the case. How could she think –how dare she think- that she couldn't trust anything that he said? He understood he went behind her back, but it was because he never wanted to see anything bad happen to her. She was Kate and he was Castle and they complimented each other.
Castle inhaled and exhaled as he poured a scotch and memories of them crashed into him full force. They washed over his hippo-campus at such a speed he had to close his eyes to keep from getting dizzy.
When she was shot and he had almost taken the bullet for her. Then again months later in the observation room where he overheard her tell someone in interrogation that she remembered everything from that day. Their playful and quick witted banter which was more like their own personal foreplay to solving a case. It tended to be similar to the build before the release or break in a case in this instance.
Castle inhaled and smiled a sad smile at the scotch in his right hand. He remembered holding her as close and tight as he could when they were trapped in the freezer and nearly froze to death. So many fond memories he didn't know how he would be able to let her go. He didn't see himself moving on from Kate Beckett; ever. That was the sad truth.
Then there was the first time they worked a case together and her parting words to him, "You have no idea." She smiled a sultry smile and walked away knowing damn well she had left him standing dumbfounded.
Suddenly his mind flash-backed to when she said, "I've gotten use to you pulling my pigtails. I have a hard job Castle and having you around makes it a little more fun."
He wondered if she knew how much her words meant to him that night. Wondered if she knew just how much and how long he had loved her. She had too. He had told her, he didn't have to bring her coffee every morning, but he wanted to see her brilliant smile so he did. It made him happy to see her happy. Her little girl looks that said more than words ever could. Looks like the relief on her face when she found him in the bank unharmed the robbers gone. God, she mine as well have been part of him. He rubbed at his forehead.
Then there were the not so fond memories that brought them closer together. The time he carried her kicking and screaming out of the hanger while Capt. Montgomery was being gunned down. The day she was shot and he told her he loved her. Overhearing from the observation room that she did in fact remember everything from that day even though she had told him she didn't remember anything from the shooting. They had a rough few months after he learned that.
He looked up stairs and the second story somehow reminded him of once waking up on a mattress handcuffed to his partner and the woman he loved. Damn, he wondered how long was it going to take for him to let her go and to truly get over her?
He swallowed the tears in his throat. He wouldn't cry, would he? Everyone was leaving him. Kate was on her deranged search for her mother's murderer, consumed by her mother's case and too blind to see it had blindsided her to the truth that was right in front of her, right beside her all along.
He heard his cell ring and smiled, it was Alexis just letting him know her plans for the night. She was such a good kid and so mature for her age. Hell she was more mature than he was. He chuckled to himself at that, but the light laugh was short lived once he ended his call with his daughter. His façade now over, he waited to break.
He didn't understand how she could say the words that had flown from her mouth earlier today and he began to wonder if the love he felt for her was reciprocated to the high that he felt. Or was she still not ready? She had been acting like it lately. Women were so confusing, especially Kate Beckett.
Although, despite their fight and her harsh words that stung and shook him to his core, despite all of that. He still couldn't let her go. She had become much more than a muse over the years. She was the extraordinary KB and so out of his league. Though, he had changed. She had changed him and slowly became not only a love interest, muse, but his best friend.
The bottom line was that he loved her and he knew she felt or at least thought she felt the same. Nothing is fair in love and war. Whether it be the war against Johanna Beckett's murder or the love he felt for Kate. Love was by no means rational and it will do what it pleases. The heart must go where the heart must go. Only his heart wanted Kate.
Give me love like her,
'cause lately I've been waking up alone,
Paint splattered teardrops on my shirt,
Told you I'd let them go,
And that I'll fight my corner,
Maybe tonight I'll call ya,
After my blood turns into alcohol,
No, I just wanna hold ya.
He rubbed at his forehead again, he couldn't lose her. He loved her more than anyone he had ever loved before. He frowned, as more memories ebbed their way into his mind. Her smile, Nikki Heat, the prospect of a movie, and most importantly just Kate curled up in her oversized purple pajamas as they talked into the night and drank wine. He missed that already.
He sighed frustrated when his cell rang with Kate's number. He didn't answer, but he didn't really owe her an answer now did he? A moment later there was a knock on his door. He opened it to see Beckett standing before him soaking wet, tears streaming down her face.
He was put up with her and honestly didn't want to have whatever conversation she intended to have tonight. It had been a long day, a long week and it was Alexis graduation night.
"What do you want Beckett?" he wasn't thrilled to see her.
"You." She reached up and took his face in her hands locking her lips with his, "I'm so sorry Castle, I'm so sorry."
"What happened?" he wasn't shocked at her actions, but he needed to know what had caused them.
She told him that he got away, that she almost died, but all she could think of was him. She just had wanted him.
"I'm so sorry Castle." She went to kiss him again, but lingered by his mouth a bit. Then he took over pushing her back against a wall. They had finally got here and God was it about time. Her lips tasted sweet on his and as she lifted her head over his shoulder grabbing at any part of him that her arms could get ahold of while he was doing the same to her. She smiled lost in the moment only taking his hand when he unbuttoned her shirt. She brought his hand up to her chest and rested it on 'their' scar as they continued to kiss. What a release and a good finality.
Yes, it was four years of sexual tension exploding. Things were deemed to get a bit steamy and when Kate took his hand and lead him toward the bedroom with that sultry little girl smile that she reserved just for him he felt of his insecurities leave him. Kate wasn't going anywhere and neither was he.
Give a little time to me or burn this out,
We'll play hide and seek to turn this around,
All I want is the taste that your lips allow,
My, my, my, my, oh give me love,
My, my, my, my, oh give me love,
My, my, my, my, oh give me love,
My, my, my, my, oh give me love,
My, my, my, my, oh give me love.
They carried their pent up passion to his bedroom. In the midst of their undressing Kate whispered something.
"Castle, I love you too." Kate said and Castle pulled back all ears. "You told me you loved me earlier in my apartment and I only shot you down. I'm just confirming for you."
Castle smiled at the woman who stood before him and picked her up and threw her onto the bed making her laugh. "I know you do Kate."
Give me love like never before,
'cause lately I've been craving more,
And it's been a while but I still feel the same,
Maybe I should let you go,
You know I'll fight my corner,
And that tonight I'll call ya,
After my blood is drowning in alcohol,
No I just wanna hold ya.
Words were minimal between the two after her admission. Now bodies became entangled in sheets and intertwined in one another throughout the night. They had been dancing around each other for so long. It felt so good to finally be here. To finally have things figured out between them.
Give a little time to me or burn this out,
We'll play hide and seek to turn this around,
All I want is the taste that your lips allow,
My, my, my, my, oh give me love,
Give a little time to me, or burn this out,
We'll play hide and seek to turn this around,
All I want is the taste that your lips allow,
My, my, my, my, oh give me love,
My, my, my, my, oh give me love,
My, my, my, my, oh give me love,
My, my, my, my, oh give me love,
My my, my, my, oh give me love.
To touch, taste, smell, but never know if it was real had been killing them inside.
M-my my, m-my my, m-my my, give me love, lover,
M-my my, m-my my, m-my my, give me love, lover,
M-my my, m-my my, m-my my, give me love, lover,
M-my my, m-my my, m-my my, give me love, lover.
Round one was explicit and nothing more than extraordinary.
M-my my, m-my my, m-my my, give me love, lover,
M-my my, m-my my, m-my my, give me love, lover,
M-my my, m-my my, m-my my, give me love, lover,
M-my my, m-my my, m-my my, give me love, lover (love me, love me, love me).
Round two was just as mind blowing. They had become two bodies merging together as one as their silhouettes danced in the dim light.
M-my my, m-my my, m-my my, give me love, lover (give me love),
M-my my, m-my my, m-my my, give me love, lover (give me love),
M-my my, m-my my, m-my my, give me love, lover (give me love, love me),
M-my my, m-my my, m-my my, give me love, lover (give me love)
Round three they had started to become aware of the others likes and dislikes. Castle learned in round three just exactly what she meant by her parting words on their first case together. He really didn't have any idea. Beckett was a wild child, and in all the fervor of the night still made him smile with her little girl type giggles and smiles.
"Castle?"
"Hhmm?" he asked half awake. She kissed his lips and roused him back to life. "Okay, I'm back."
Kate smiled, "Before I came here tonight I went and sat on our swings. I thought about us. I thought about a lot."
"I can tell." Castle rolled over to face her and she nestled herself in his chest smiling. "What were you thinking of?"
She flipped herself over facing away from him so that his arms engulfed her totally, one underneath her and the other around her midsection. She clasped his hand in her own inhaled and snuggled it between her breasts.
"Just promise me you won't go anywhere Castle." Her voice was a meek whisper.
"I'm right here Kate, right beside you, always." Castle said and she smiled and then quickly thought of something else.
"Good, because I swear to God if you hurt me..." she said adding, "…there will be a shooting."
Castle tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "Kate, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere, now get some sleep-"
"…but I don't have to work tomorrow." She said craning her head to look at him and giving him a devilish grin, "I can get up whenever I want."
Castle smiled and Kate flipped back over to snuggle into his chest. Smiled because he had forgiven her and she had worked up the courage to not just listen, but hear him. Her blinders were off and her guard had fallen to the floor with her clothes. She had returned to everything that was familiar and gave her clarity in her life. Everything in life did in fact end, endings were inevitable.
Though, so were beginnings and as she looked at the man lying beside her she couldn't help but feel that somewhere in the back of her mind. She could maybe see herself with him for much longer than anyone else knew she dared admit. She smiled and curled up into Castle more. He draped his arm around her midsection. Yes, she was loved and she loved in return.
My, my, my, my, oh give me love,
My, my, my, my, oh give me love,
My, my, my, my, oh give me love,
My, my, my, my, oh give me love