A/N: My first real attempt at humor. To be fair, the idea is not wholly mine. But I am the fine-tuner and novelizer of this lovely fic. This takes place directly after the episode "Abducted" in which Zim is abducted by another alien race that believes him to be human. After Zim finally escapes, the aliens give in and go after another Earth target: The Earth weasel (also known among us Zim fans as Dib). So, first chapter here now. Read and review, please. I'm a big fan of gaining perspective.

Summary: Dib is gone. Abducted by tall, dumb aliens and forced into hideous experiments and fusions. In desperation for someone to foil his plans, Zim turns to science. But can one experiment go hideously wrong? WARNING: Contains rabid Gir! May lead to TACOS!

Gaz sat back down on her porch, her GameBoy at her side. She been had trying to play her game for an hour now, but at the amount of failure she was having on the fifth level, she grew bored and finally remembered her brother again. Dib had been right here, beside her, just a short while ago, when the... giant baby... appeared in the aqua sky. There was a flash of green, and then Dib was gone, and the drooling child hovered away as obviously as it could possibly be.

Gaz was not one to fully focus on a one thing. Even with the truly important things, like her brother when he told her the Yeti was going to eat his liver and make Dib watch just the last week. Gaz was a purely passive being. Dib was an obsessive being. One month it was Bigfoot, next month it's the Sewer Alligator that was, apparently "popping out the ducts on the way to school whenever Dib crossed over them to make him trip and fall into the sewers for the monster to devour." And now it was aliens. Whether or not Dib was speaking the truth about Zim, she cared little. In fact, she believed it explained quite a bit, and her mind set at ease as boredom overcame any desire to take action. As always.

Now Gaz crossed her small arms, bringing a hand to shade her eyes as she stared up at the sky. If Dib wasn't home soon, she would claim right to the TV. And then Dib would lose his precious Mysterious Mysteries.

Realizing the meaning behind that thought, she pulled out her cell phone, texted something quickly, snickered just a little, and stormed back into the house. She had done all she cared enough to do.

"But I'm telling you, my Tallest, they were stupid stupid stupid!"

"That's impossible, Zim! After all, they were tall! Nothing tall can be dumb!"

"That's right! Dumb things can't eat snacks! We eat snacks all the time! And we're not dumb! We're tall!"

Invader Zim's eye bulged. This conversation was going on too long. He worshiped The Tallests, of course, but this debate was quickly losing it's grip on reality. And he had had enough of the silliness for one day. He knew he still had duct tape plastered to his body somewhere after the constant "fusions". Desperately, Zim tried to think of some way to hang up on The Tallests. He immediately felt ashamed for that thought. After all, The Tallests never hung up on him!

A sharp rip came from the back of Zim's head. He cried out and whirled around. Gir greeted him and waved the accused piece of duct tape in Zim's face. "I found cheeeeeeese!" Gir cried.

"Gir, that's not chee— WHAT ARE YOU DOING! Don't eat that! Uh, umm, I'll call you back, my Tallests!"

The screen fell to static on the Irken ship. The Tallests stared at it blankly, the silence dwindling like the donut's stench after The Tallests had found it under Purple's throne after months of rotting. Silence like all of the planets they had conquered after obliterating them. This is all to say, it was very, very quiet.

Finally, Red spoke. "Hey!" he said. He looked at Purple. "Did Zim just hang up on us?"

"Of course not," Purple replied, still staring at the screen, "We're The Tallests. We do not get hung up on."

"Actually, sir," a small voice piped up from the Irken communication specialists surrounding the room. One small alien had turned from his glowing computer screen. "He really did hang up."

For a moment, there were no words. Then Purple said suddenly, "Seize that one. And, er, shoot him out of our canons in the next attack for questioning the Almighty Tallests."

As the poor soul was lead away, screaming, Red whispered to Purple. "This is the fifth one today we've ordered to be used as ammunition for questioning us. We need a new excuse this time."

Purple stared. "Why?"

"...Because it's boring."

Purple mulled over this thought for a moment, then finally nodded. "That makes sense," he finally said.

"I've got one!" Red exclaimed. "We have a new height requirement! You! Small person!" Red snapped a finger at a guard. "How tall was that guy?"

The guard fumbled with his spear for a moment. "I'm not really sure, My Tallests. I didn't really get a look..."

"Tell me how tall he was or I'll have your family work as Food Drones for the rest of their existence!"

"Um, well, if I had to guess... 3' 4"?

"Good! Then our newest height requirement will be 3' 5"!" Purple looked around the room. "You, you, and you: Away!"

As they were led out, one cried out, "But I'm 3' 5" and a haaaaalf!"

"You dare question The Tallests guestimations!" Red said. "Then your canon shall be extra burn-y!"

Soon the accused were led away, and The Tallests stood proudly. "Well," Purple announced. "I think we've done our Tall duties. Let's have some nachos!"

"Sir," a new replacement on the computers called. "You have a new transmission!"

"Hey, look!" Purple pointed toward the replacement. "We've got more ammunition!"

Dib ran his hands through the smooth, transparent prison he was trapped in. This was bad. He had no idea where he was and no clue how he had gotten here. His head throbbed. If this was Zim's doing, there would be some very sensitive pictures that would make it onto his Swollen Eyeball blog once he escaped from this place. He giggled to himself as he remembered Zim giving MiniMoose a bath. Maybe it wasn't Crop Circles Monthly worthy, but it would still be enough to give Zim a run for his money.

Dib sighed away from the pleasant thoughts now. He couldn't remember anything after the cereal wrestle this morning with Gaz over the last bit of Count Coco Fang Crunchies. Fine. He would just wait. After all, he had his camera with him He could always record any interesting sites and sounds. He glanced around. This certainly didn't look like any of the Irken technology he had seen before...

Suddenly, his pocket buzzed. Dib pulled out his video phone and watched the text pop up.

You'd better get home soon. I'm going to tape over your Mysterious Mysteries recordings if you don't hurry...

"What! Gaz, no! I haven't watched them all yet!"

Dib looked at his imprisonment with a new light. His eyes widened in horror. "Noooooooo!"

Somewhere, two figures heard the cry of the boy. One shadow looked over to the other and grinned evilly. "The weasel is ready for fusion..."

"So he is," the other mused. He took a sip of something. "I know just what our other specimen we'll use will be." He raised the object in his hands high.

"The Earth Suckmonkeys!"