(Disclaimers and Author's Notes: All the characters used in this fic are copyright their respective owners and are used without permission. The Politically Incorrect series is copyright its owners and all of the stuff here is used without permission too. Bill Maher is used fictitiously, though his responses are based on ones from previous shows and his Be More Cynical special. Keep in mind though, the responses used in this fic may not be necessarily what he would respond. I actually found out a couple weeks after I wrote this fic that that he doesn't like cartoons. Go fig. Anyway, I also didn't put in the little monologues Bill does during the show either.)
Announcer: And now here's the star of Politically Incorrect—Bill Maher!
(Enter Bill on stage, smiling and bowing.)
Bill: (in a half chuckle) For some reason, I guess folks have been asking for some more animated guests on this show. Apparently, whoever booked these guys took that literally because tonight, all the guests are…well, cartoon characters.
(Audience mummers.)
Bill: (shrugs) I know, huh? (pauses) Anyway, let's meet tonight's panel. Our first guest is the title character of the animated feature- Princess Mononoke. Well, anyway, she's called that by the townspeople, but we all know her as, San!
(Audience claps.)
(Enter San. She shakes Bill hand.)
Bill: Hello, San, nice to have you here.
San: Thanks. (She sits down.)
Bill: Our second guest can be seen in her series airing in syndication, check your local listings, folks. From Where on Earth is Carmen Sandiego?, Carmen Sandiego.
(Applause from Audience)
(Enter Carmen. She shakes Bill's hand.)
Bill: Nice to have you here.
Carmen: Thank you. (sits down)
Bill: Our third guest is from Disney's new movie, Atlantis: The Lost Empire. Ladies and gentlemen, Milo Thatch!
(Audience claps, Milo enters to continued applause. He shakes Bill's hand.)
Bill: Hello, Milo.
Milo: Hi there, Bill. (Sits down.)
Bill: And finally, also from a Disney movie….hmm…(pauses then chuckles) guess I know who did SOME of the booking tonight….anyway, from Beauty and the Beast, Gaston!
(Enter Gaston. Audience claps. Gaston
shakes Bill's hand and sits down. Bill takes his seat.)
(Here's how the panel is seated:
Bill
Milo
Gaston
[table]
San
Carmen
View is from audience perspective.)
Bill: Before we begin, may I say…this is a tad strange.
Milo: Really?
Bill: Yes.
San: Why?
Bill: Let's just say, usually the guests I have are…well…all flesh and blood humans. And not all of them are from the entertainment business.
Carmen: Right…usually there's a political activist and a columnist or someone on those lines here, correct?
Bill: Right. But I guess you'll all have to do.
Gaston: You make it seem like well have nothing to say.
Bill: It's not THAT…I mean, just how up on current events are you?
Carmen: More than you think.
Bill: (stares at Carmen with a confused look on his face) You're serious?
Carmen: Very much so.
Bill: Well, what the hell? (tosses hands up in the air) Might as well give this a go, right?
(The panel nods in agreement.)
Bill: All right, I thought I'd gotten over ragging on our president, but this whole environmental thing is getting to me. Now, here's the thing…our country is being run by two oil men. They've already said they wanted to drill for oil in Alaska, which could basically destroy the environment up there. But hey, a little spill? (shrugs broadly)
Carmen: Exactly, its the price they'd pay to put a little green in their pockets.
Milo: They'd even drive off other people if they have to. If-
Bill: You mean, competition?
Milo: Well, sometimes, yes. But they'd harm just people who are in their way as well.
Bill: (with slight sarcasm) I thought there were laws to prevent that sort of thing.
Carmen: There are, but they could find ways around them.
Bill: And you would know about getting around laws, wouldn't you?
Carmen: (with a smirk) Of course.
(Audience chuckles.)
Bill: (narrows eyes)
Carmen: (taken back) You brought it up.
Gaston: Aren't we getting off topic?
Bill: Yes, very much so. Anyway...
San: What about the animals?
Bill: Yes, what about them? I don't know if you know this, but I'm the type who would do anything for animals. It-
San: A rarity for humans.
Gaston: What's the big deal about a few animals?
Bill, Carmen, Milo and San: What?!
Gaston: They make wonderful trophies. You ought to see my hunting lodge...deer skins and heads on the walls, feathers used-
San: You sick [bleeped]!
Gaston: I have a whole chair made from skins that is-
Bill: That's just sick! What's the big thing about hunting?
Gaston: It's all the precision aiming...you and your gun taking down targets-
Bill: Like that's real fair. You have a gun, Bambi over here (gestures stage left) has antlers. (heavy sarcasm) Gee, THAT'S a CLOSE fight.
(Audience laughs.)
San: Do you realize what your guns did to my forest? All of-
Gaston: What? The animals come back. Then you hunt again next year.
San: There are new animals born, yes. They are NOT the same who you've killed! The deer on your wall is some other deer's mother! Don't you-
Gaston: You make it seem like these beasts have families or-
Milo: That's like saying if someone kills someone else, that's okay because there are other humans around and more humans being born.
Gaston: No, that's not the same.
Carmen: Why not?
Gaston: People are far more-
Bill: Oh, like we-
San: You DON'T UNDERSTAND! You-
Gaston: What's wrong with you?
San: Humans killed my mother, a wolf-
Gaston: You expect me to believe that?
San: It's true!
Bill: Okay, okay you two. Time out for a sec-
San: But he-
Bill: Gaston, believe it. That's the truth.
Gaston: (shrugs) Makes no sense to me.
Bill: And a castle full of singing candlesticks and teacups just up the road from your village does?
Gaston: But that was truthfully there!
San: Just as my mother TRUTHFULLY WAS a wolf.
Gaston: Okay, fine...but I still don't see the value of animals.
Carmen: So, if you had your way, you'd hunt every type of animal-
Gaston: Sure! More variety-
Carmen: Even endangered ones?
Gaston: (with a smirk) What's so special about them?
Bill: THEY'RE DYING OFF, that's-
Gaston: But there's plenty more-
Bill: Allow me to define "endangered" for you. In simple terms, it means that the animals are dwindling down in numbers. If the hunting is of them is allowed, there would be a time when none of them are left--FOREVER.
Gaston: (looks blankly at Bill)
(Audience chuckles.)
Milo: That would be a BAD thing.
Gaston: (looks blankly at Milo)
San: DON'T YOU GET IT?!
Carmen: He obviously doesn't.
Bill: No.
Gaston: But anyway, the thrill of the hunt, the perfect shot...the kill-
San: (jumps up out of her seat and glares at Gaston)
Bill: San!
(Audience mummers nervously.)
San: (turns towards Bill) What?
Bill: I don't agree with that jackass either but-
San: But what?
Bill: We don't go killing people on this show. That's kinda a rule.
San: (turns toward Gaston) After the show, then? (glares at him)
(Audience gasps.)
Bill: (worried) Um....(quickly) Hey look at the time, I gotta take a break now.
(Fade out as audience claps. Commercial break.)
(Author's Notes: The smoking discussion Bill refers to was part of the June 19, 2001 episode of his show. The discussion on CNN Carmen refers to aired June 15th and 18th.)
(Fade in as audience claps. San is sitting down now with her arms folded. She looks quite unhappy. Carmen has her right hand on her forehead and appears to have a headache. Milo is looking rather nervous. Gaston is unhappy as well. Bill appears a tad exhausted.)
Bill: (with a sigh of relief) Thank goodness you at home didn't have to see that. (looks at all the panel members)
Carmen: I didn't know anyone could scream that loud.
Milo: San's screams are still ringing in my ears.
Carmen: I pity the fact you were sitting so close to earshot.
Bill: All right, all right, everything's taken care of...for now, anyway. Are we all settled enough now to move on to our next topic?
(Milo and Carmen nod. San and Gaston don't move.)
Bill: (Growls, obviously annoyed.)
Carmen: I say it's their loss. (gestures towards San and Gaston)
Bill: No, right now, it's also my loss. You can't-
Milo: I say we start.
Bill: (still very annoyed) Yes. After all this is a TALK SHOW. You have to actually TALK to make it interesting. (glaring at San and Gaston)
Carmen: (placing her right hand on the chair's arm rest) What's next on the agenda?
Bill: (taking a deep breath) All right. I thank two of you for actually TRYING. Anyway, earlier this week, myself and flesh and blood guests- (raises eyes for effect).
(Audience chuckles.)
Bill: -were talking about how this group wants Hollywood to take more responsibility for smoking. They want any movie with smoking in it to automatically by rated R.
Milo: Well thanks Mrs. Packard for jumping our movie from PG to R.
Bill: See, that's just the thing that's so crazy about this. Your film has rather tame action sequences and no swearing. But if this group has their way, because someone has a cigarette...ooh....your film is rated R.
Milo: That makes no sense. If say this group got their way, Atlantis has an R rating and the audience would come out of the theater looking at each other in disbelief.
Carmen: You can get away with so much in an R rated film. You can say every swear 50 times over, at least-
Bill: Right, if Atlantis becomes rated R, when the ships are getting blown up, the crew should be able to shout, "Oh [bleeped]! We're all going to [bleeped] DIE!"
(Audience laughs.)
Carmen: And violence is much higher. I mean, people get their lungs ripped out whole in some R rated films.
Bill: Sure, blood, guts, hey...
Carmen: And sex.
Bill: Mmm hmm...like they should be able to-
Carmen: But anyway, smoking censorship has already begun. I mean, didn't they say the guy who draws Andy Capp had to stop drawing him with a cigarette?
Bill: Yes, and oh come on, like he's going to make kids want to smoke. It's the like Joe Camel thing-
Milo: Joe Camel?
Bill: A cartoon character created by a cigarette company in their ad campaign. He-
Carmen: You realize how many films would have to be re-rated if this idea became law?
Milo: Right, even G rated fare has had smoking in the past. Like 101 Dalmatians and Alice in Wonderland and-
Bill: Exactly. And do you know that animators took out the cigarettes of some old cartoons digitally?
Carmen: And it look rather ridiculous in some films. I mean, there's one old Disney movie where a cowboy tosses a cigarette up in the air and catches it in his mouth. The cigarette was taken out of those frames and-
Bill: Then it looks extremely ridiculous. Like people aren't going to know something was there.
Carmen: Right. I have a theory though on smoking.
Bill: Oh really?
Carmen: Well, I mean, it's proven, smoking is bad for your health-
Bill: But so much is! I mean sugar is even bad for you and-
Carmen: Right, I'm not saying just cigarettes are. I-
Bill: But why just cigarettes? Why not-
Milo: I believe one of your "flesh and blood" guests had it right by saying something like that it was politically correct now to be anti smoking.
Bill: It is, I suppose but-
Carmen: That's not the nature of your show, right? (smirks)
Bill: (shaking head slightly) Riiight...
Carmen: May I get back to my theory?
Bill: Sure, go ahead, then.
Carmen: Right now, the United States doesn't have a major enemy. So, people are taking a look at something we can take on here at home.
Bill: So in other words, let's now have a "war" on smoking?
Carmen: Sure, there's a "war" on crime and drugs, why not smoking now, right?
Bill: And how effective is that war on crime? I have a criminal here on the panel.
Carmen: (laughs) I led myself into that one.
Milo: (chuckling) I think so.
Bill: (slight pause for a smile then adds) Anyway, I believe it's stupid to say there's a "war" on CRIME or DRUGS or anything like that.. I mean-
Milo: But this "war" gives us a big threat, just domestically, right?
San: There's ALWAYS some threat from something.
Bill: (heavy sarcasm) Oh look who's decided to join us.
San: (annoyed) As you said, this is a TALK show.
Bill: Yes. And I hope you are ready to finally speak again.
San: Yes.
Bill: Good.
San: I would like to add something what humans fear. I mean, humans tend to fear the unknown. And because of that, they act out often in a destructive way.
Milo: I understand your point, but I'm a little confused as to what this has to do with the topic...
San: Huh?
Carmen: Well, it's been proven smoking is unhealthy so-
San: No no, what I mean is the effect seeing someone else doing this bad thing on others is unknown.
Milo: Oh, so you mean, this group is afraid that if children are seeing images of smoking people they want to smoke as well, then?
Bill: Oh yes, because nowadays, everything is (mock sincerity) for the children.
Carmen: What's so bad about that?
Bill: It's getting to be ridiculous. We're shielding them from too much now.
San: Kids can have it rough, you know.
Carmen: Yes, that is very true. And while I sense you're not pro children Bill-
Bill: Is it that obvious? Because, no, I think the whole idea of children being our most precious resource is a bunch of [bleeped], thank you very much.
(The panel is momentary stunned.)
Milo: Wow, ouch.
San: Your ideas are quite...
Carmen: ...Extreme, perhaps?....um...anyway, speaking of extreme.... did you hear that to protect children, some schools have considered banning dodge ball?
Bill: You're kidding.
Carmen: No, CNN actually had one of those discussion shows about how dodge ball is bad because kids could get hurt physically and feel upset by-
Bill: By getting hit? By-
Carmen: I guess something about how overweight children are easy targets and such.
Milo: And geeks too.
Bill: Okay, we're getting off topic again. Or maybe we already did. Anyway, I'm sorry, we have to take another break.
(Fade out as audience claps. Commercial
break.)
(Fade in. Audience claps. The panel appears poised for the next discussion.)
Bill: Okay, I might as well talk about this issue with you folks, since you're animated and all. It's been debated whether or not animation is just for the young ones, or...is it an all ages medium? Of course, here, the answer seems to mostly be, "It's kids stuff" whereas, in say Japan, the audience for animation ranges for kids all the way to mature adults.
(San opens her mouth to speak.)
Bill: Wait, wait, before we start, let me finish this. Of course, everything is rated now, from movies, to television, to video games. So, is that all enough? Or are parents really so dumb to think, "if it's animated, it's okay for Junior to watch?" (shrugs and pauses) Okay, now you all can start...San, what were you going to say?
San: Yes, animation does have a range of ages for audiences. My film was rated PG-13 by your country's rating system. Actually I heard that movie theaters that showed it, though they were few...the film was not a major release...had signs posted saying, "Parents: Princess Mononoke has been rated PG-13 for images of gore and mild language" at the ticket counter.
Bill: So, was that done by the theater to protect themselves from angry parents, you think?
San: The movie poster had the rating on it. The theater felt it needed another sign to remind people?
Carmen: I think that you are right to some degree over the assumption that some parents have about animation. Yes, there have been films...mostly shorts...released for older audiences. But they are never marketed. They're only shown at animation festivals and such. It almost seems secretive to show them off.
Milo: But you know, there is now a trend of animators to try to find an older audience. Disney tried that with my film. After all, it's not like no one has seen action cartoons. Saturday mornings are full of them. But it IS a double edged sword to release edgier animated films.
Carmen: Especially if your studio has been about G-rated films for so many years.
Gaston: You know though, people even are arguing the G rating. I heard there was some stuff too scary in my film for the 3 year olds like the wolves and the fight I had with the beast.
Bill: So...these folks want the G broken down?
Gaston: Yes.
Carmen: My guess is that they want the G broken down the way the Y rating for Saturday morning cartoons in this country is broken down into Y and Y7 ratings.
San: Y and Y7?
Carmen: Y stands for youth. If a show gets a Y, it means it's okay for all children. A Y7 means that there are some violent or scary scenes that might not be good for really little kiddies to see.
Milo: Well, why aren't parents getting involved? Why don't they at least read about a movie their kids want to see or watch a little for a cartoon they want to watch?
Gaston: Or why can't a kid be tough enough to decide for himself?
Bill: Well, it used to be that way, I think. But now-
Carmen: Now the ratings are like safeguards or-
Bill But are they? Do they even pay attention to them? Or is it, "Hey cool, I think I'll watch this?"
Milo: It's probably "Hey, cool, I'll watch this" and then, "Hey, I'll go act like this."
Bill: (with heavy sarcasm) Of course, cuz it IS, after all, the media that turns innocent children into criminals.
(Audience laughs.)
Carmen: I know well, it's not that at all. Mostly life circumstances, but that's a long involved issue.
Bill: Right, and we only have a few minutes left. But, it was pointed out in an earlier show that it seems we all seem to overreact and judge things based on worse case scenario.
Gaston: Worse case...sen...sena...um...
Bill: Scenario. A situation...an event...
Gaston: (gives Bill a blank look)
Bill: (disgusted) Never mind. Remind me to make sure IQ checks are done on guests.
(Audience chuckles.)
San: It's not right.
Bill: No, it's not. The real root of the problem should be examined. Hell, Japan produces some of the most violent media, but has one of the lowest crime rates. What's that say?
San: There are many reasons for that.
Carmen: Just as there are many reasons for why our crime rate is so high. And should these vague studies that link media and violent actions-
Milo: But it is a matter of bottom line too. If your studio makes an animated movie, or any movie really, but I'll limit to animated since that's our topic....anyway....the issue boils down to a simple issue: Does the film bring in the green?
San: Everything is about money. If you can kill it, sell it, whatever.
Carmen: And if there is no profit, back to the drawing board. Go back to what works, I guess.
Milo: But, of course, you have an audience that can do without cute sidekicks and musical numbers every five minutes.
Gaston: Singing isn't bad.
Milo: No, but if a song holds up the action, the public is likely to turn on you.
Bill: Or, at least, decide it's time to get up and go pee.
(Audience laughs.)
Carmen: See, what I think is this...if the song helps the story, the public will like it--especially if it's something you'll come out of the theater humming to yourself.
Milo: It got to the point where the songs were not memorable, I think. Critics blasted the songs in Hercules and Mulan. They were too uninspired for them. But, they really shouldn't be that way.
Carmen: The critics or the songs?
Milo: The songs. They should be meaningful.
Carmen: Yes, they should. If the songs seem like "I could have written better than this" to the public, it's better to nix them, I think.
Milo: But, then it's a double edged sword going song less. Now some critics WANTED songs for Atlantis.
Bill: Please, critics shouldn't be taken as seriously as they are. I mean, someone like Roger Ebert who's been one for years knows his stuff. I trust his opinion. But nowadays, studios can pull rave reviews from the most obscure critic in the world or-
Carmen: If that fails, make one up.
(Audience chuckles.)
Bill: Exactly. Say Milo, how did David Manning like your film? (smirks)
(Milo and audience laugh.)
Carmen: You know, I don't think movie studios really take too much stock of the critics if the movie does well.
Bill: Yes, which is why I'll bet Tomb Raider II is already in the works.
(Light chuckles from the audience.)
Gaston: Can't wait.
(Milo, Carmen and Bill shake their heads.)
Bill: Anyway, so to protect our children, we should market films that no one will object too in any way? Is that it? Is that the solution? Cuz, really, I doubt it.
Milo: Please, ratings now are even further described to parents. A film will have the rating and below it will have the reason why it's rating why it is. Like, "This film is rated PG for animated violence" or "This film is rated PG for mild language and some crude humor."
Carmen: As if the parents couldn't grasp the reasoning for the rating from the promo.
Bill: No, you might be giving some people too much credit.
San: How stupid are humans?
(Milo, Carmen and Bill motion towards Gaston.)
San: (smirks)
Gaston: (looks around, obviously confused)
Bill: Well, on that note, I think it's time I made the folks at ABC grasp the fact that I know I have to take another break.
(Fade out as audience claps. Commerical
break.)
(Fade in. Camera is focused on Bill.)
Bill: What a weird night this has been. Well folks, join us tomorrow night when our guests will be flesh and blood humans once again. Tune in to find out who.
(Fade out. End title screens shown as the audience clapping is heard.)
The End.