::Title:Champion::
::Author:Chrissy::
::Email:scully8746@hotmail.com::
::Summary:Angel reacts to Buffy's death::
::Spoilers:Seas.6/2::
Willow sat in silence behind the wheel of Giles's car, her eyes shut tightly, steeling her courage to walk inside. It had been two hours of straight driving all evening long. Two hours of agonizing over what to say, and how to say it. Two hours of wishing that Angel had just answered the goddamn telephone so that she wouldn't have to see his face when she told him. So she wouldn't have to watch him break.
"Just open the door," she directed herself. Surprisingly enough, her hand finally obeyed the command, and without remembering her body actually sliding out of the car, her feet actually moving over the pavement, Willow found herself at the front door of Angel's hotel.
It was another battle to make herself ring the bell, and then pound on the door, and then let herself in, wondering where the hell everyone could be at eight at night, and where they could've been all day.
"Hello?" Willow called as loudly as she could. "Angel? Anyone home?"
There was no answer, and Willow nearly screamed. She dreaded telling Angel, as much as she'd ever feared anything in her life.
Because she knew how he would react. She knew it already. Angel loved Buffy more than anything or anyone else in the world. How he and Buffy had managed to go on living without each other for the past two years, she couldn't even fathom.
However they had done it, it was all over now. Willow might as well have been wearing the black cloak of Death Itself, with the news that she brought. And she knew it.
But she wanted it over.
~*~*~
Relief was the foremost word on Angel's mind that night. Oh, to be home again! He laughed jovially as he voiced everyone's thoughts. "There's no place like..." The pale figure occupying his dusty couch stopped Angel right in his tracks. "Willow!"
"What's..." Cordelia stopped too, frowning in worried surprise.
Willow struggled to her feet. She could see it in his face already, and screwed her eyes shut for a long zillionth of a second. The words she had run over and practiced again and again were gone. Her mouth opened with her eyes, but Willow was speechless.
"It's Buffy," Angel managed at last. "Oh God, it's Buffy, isn't it?" He looked to Willow as though he was going to be sick.
Wesley saw it too, and reached out to steady him. He looked and felt stunned, his feet frozen in place. But Angel shook him off, his eyes never breaking their lock with Willow's, pleading with her, begging for it to be someone else, anyone else.
Willow's eyes closed again, and she nodded fractionally, wincing as if waiting for an explosion.
Angel was silent for a moment, fighting the tears behind his eyes and the lump that had swelled in his throat. "I think I need to sit down," he said finally, stumbling toward the couch.
Willow sat down beside him, and reached for his cold hand.
"Wh-What happened?" Cordelia asked unevenly, clearing her throat. she too was frozen in place.
Willow glanced at Angel hesitantly, as if asking his permission to continue. But Angel's gaze was unfocused, staring absently at a spot on the wall behind her. After a moment, Willow went on without him. "There was a fight," she said, her voice shaking to say it, even now. It had, in fact, only been a day - less than a day - but it felt like an eternity... and a second, at the same time.
"Glory," she continued.
Wesley looked startled, but didn't say anything.
"Glory lost, but... she opened the portal, and... it was either Dawn or Buffy. Buffy jumped," Willow concluded hollowly. "She fell through the portal... it pretty much d-drained... and she..." She couldn't finish.
Cordelia let out a stifled gasp, her hand quickly rising to cover her mouth. Wesley looked horrified, Gunn furious.
Angel's eyes were closed now, but Willow could see silent tears running down his cheeks.
It was Fred who finally broke the inevitable silence that followed, her hand raised timidly in the air. "Wh-Who's Buffy?"
Willow couldn't hold it in anymore. She wrapped Angel in a tight hug and began to cry. "Angel, I'm so sorry!" she sobbed. "I didn't want to be the one to tell you, but..."
Angel hugged her tightly and then pulled away. "When did it happen?" He seemed to have regained control of his emotions.
Willow pulled a tissue from her pocket and blew her nose before continuing. "I'm sorry. I just..." She took a deep breath. "Sometime early this morning... I wasn't really looking at my watch."
Cordelia pulled her desk chair over to sit beside them. "Who's Glory?" she asked hollowly.
"A God," Willow replied. "She was a god of another dimension, but then she was banished and came to Earth, to this dimension."
"Glory...," Wesley breathed, pulling a chair up too. "Glorificus, of course! I knew the name sounded familiar..."
"I can't believe she's really...," Cordelia murmured. "I mean... she's Buffy! How can she be...?"
"Who's Buffy?" Fred asked again, completely bewildered.
Gunn cleared his throat. "Angel, if you don't mind, I'll drive this one over to her folks' place. I'm sure they'd love to hear from her." He indicated Fred, who still looked confused, but followed obediantly. Gunn paused at the door. He couldn't make his eyes meet Angel's, and his voice cracked as he said it. "I'm sorry, man." Then he was gone.
The four remaining sat in silence for a long moment, lost in their own private thoughts. Cordelia was crying now, openly and unabashedly. Wesley moved to comfort her.
Willow was both relieved and scared at the same time. Telling Angel was over with. There was the relief. The fear was in the next minute, and the next, and the next. 'Buffy... you're the one who knows how to do all this stuff! How am I going to do it without you?'
Angel wasn't really thinking anything. His mind was blank, empty. He figured that he was in shock. He just simply couldn't believe it. How could Buffy die? He hadn't gotten his reward yet! He wasn't human, and now she wasn't there to share it with him! Buffy was his redemption... wasn't she? And how could it ever truly be a reward if she wasn't there with him?
No. There had to be a mistake. It was the whole point of him being a vampire, of giving up the temptation of remaining human when the Mohra demon had changed him, so that he could protect her, as a vampire... when the Mohra demon had...
"Oh God...," he murmured, as this new pain hit him. "She never... she never knew..."
Willow looked up in surprise. "What?"
"About... us... she never knew I was human...," he rambled incoherently.
Cordelia gasped as she realized what Angel meant. "Oh my God... Angel..."
"What?!" Willow repeated, at the same time exasperated and worried. "Cordelia, what is he talking about?"
Angel jumped off the couch and exited to the garden. It was too much. He needed to be alone.
In his wake, Cordelia began to explain, her voice shaking and choking as every syllable began to sink in. "God... it's so unfair... last year, do you remember when Angel went to Sunnydale to help Buffy? And then I guess she found out, and she followed him here?"
"Yeah...," Willow said, puzzled. "What about it?"
Cordelia took a deep breath. "Doyle told me... right before he died... Angel was human for that day!" she burst out. "He and Buffy had to fight some kind of demon, and its blood made Angel human."
"Why didn't Buffy... why didn't she say any-... and wait a minute, Angel's a vampire again!" Willow pointed out. "What happened?"
Cordelia shook her head. "I don't know exactly. He and Buffy were together, like... well... you know what I mean." She blushed. "I don't know exactly what happened, but something went wrong, and Angel had to turn back the clock and swallow those twenty-four hours, like it never happened. He's the only one that remembers."
Willow gasped. "Then Buffy died-"
"Without knowing," Wesley finished, scowling fiercely. "Frankly, I wish I hadn't remembered that. It just makes me feel worse."
Willow nodded miserably. "Poor Angel."
"You don't know the half of it," Cordelia said disconsolately.
"God, I'm not even sure I want to know...," Willow muttered.
"There was a prophecy we found last year," Cordelia continued.
Wesley nodded sadly as he realized what she was saying. "Yes, the Shanshu prophecy."
Willow glanced over at him, confused, as he took over the explanation.
"It prophesized that the vampire with the soul - that is to say, Angel - will one day be human," Wesley explained numbly. "First he has to avert the Apocalypse... technically, he's done that several times... I suppose they were all the wrong... erm... apocalypse-s."
"But, wait, Angel's going to be human one day?" Willow persisted.
Cordy nodded. "Yeah."
Wesley smiled bitterly. "And if Buffy's gone... she'll never know."
~*~*~
Angel rubbed his eyes, wiping the tears away, and had made it several steps toward a nearby puddle of water to check that he didn't look as if he'd been crying... and then he remembered that he was on Earth, not Pylea, and therefore didn't have a reflection.
He had to go back. He was the leader, the strong one, and he had to be there for Willow, and Cordelia and Wes.
How could he be strong now?
~*~*~
Willow stood up as Angel came back into the room. "I have to get back," she said quickly. "I just came up to... to let you know."
"You're going back tonight?" Angel questioned, surprised. "That's a long drive. Why don't you stay here tonight and go back tomorrow morning?"
Willow shook her head. "I can't. I really have to get back. Tara's in the hospital, and I know she's really creeped out. I need to go stay with her."
"Tara?" Wesley questioned, confused.
"Her girlfriend," Angel replied.
Willow's eyebrows went up. "How do you know her?"
"B-Buffy... she told me, when I went down there when Joyce... when Joyce died." A new thought occured to him. "God, how's Dawn doing?"
It took Willow a moment to reply. "Devastated," she finally said. "At the hospital, they... they had to restrain her. She was hysterical."
"Why was she at the hospital?" Angel asked sharply. "Is she okay? What happened?"
"It's not serious," Willow assured him. "She got cut across the stomach. They needed her blood for the ritual. It wasn't deep; they're going to release her tomorrow."
"Why is it that they always have to pick on the little kids..." Cordy muttered.
"Dawn is hardly a little kid," Angel replied softly.
Willow smiled ruefully. "Did she tell you about that too?" Angel nodded. "Yeah..." To Cordelia, "Dawn is not a normal teenager. In fact... well, she's human, but her human self is only a few months old. She's the Key, ancient energy that could open Glory's portal."
"Oh my God," Cordelia murmured.
Willow stood up. "Alright. I guess I'd better get going."
"Are you sure you don't want to spend the night here?" Cordelia offered. "I don't know if you're really in the right kind of shape to be driving somewhere."
"I really need to get back," Willow repeated softly.
Angel rubbed his eyes exhaustedly. Funny how he could be tired at a time like this... but maybe sleep would be good. He stood slowly. "Take care," he said to Willow. "Drive safe." He took the stairs to his bedroom two at a time. "Goodnight."
Willow stared at his retreating figure. When he was gone, she turned to Wesley and Cordelia.
"I don't know how he can sleep," Cordelia grumped.
"I think he's in denial," Willow said softly.
"Pfft," Cordelia waved her off sarcastically. "Why would he accept when he could brood?"
"Cordelia," Wesley said in an undertone.
She sighed. "I'm sorry. I just... I'm worried about him! What if he goes all... evil psychopath-guy again? Wesley..."
"I know," he said grimly, and his gaze wandered up the stairs. "I know."
Willow didn't seem to have noticed their exchange. She stood uncomfortably, shifting her weight from foot to foot. "I... I guess I should go..."
Cordelia nodded slowly. "If you're sure you won't... I mean..."
Willow shook her head. "I'm... I'll be fine. I... we'll call you."
"Good," Wesley said, clearing his throat. "Yes..."
"Bye," Willow said finally, and she walked out the door.
After a moment, Cordelia started. She glanced down at her clothes and chuckled. "I mean, I guess with everything that's going on, I shouldn't be surprised Willow didn't notice... still..."
Wesley smiled slightly, but he didn't answer for a moment. His smile faded and he glanced upstairs. "I guess I'll stay for awhile. Just monitor him. You should go home."
Cordelia nodded. "I really need a shower. But then I'll be back."
When the door was shut, Wesley turned to his books. Everything Willow had said had been familiar... he needed to find out more about Glory...
Angel stared out the window. He's seen Willow leave before. She's sat in her car for awhile before she'd been able to pull out.
He could sympathize.
'And here goes Cordy...' She nearly fell into the convertable, and pulled the top up before she pulled out.
Angel turned away from the window. Behind him, he heard the engine rev and the tires squeal as Cordelia shot out of his driveway. The motor ground against itself as Cordy shifted in the wrong direction. He no longer cared. His beautiful car and his pride for it were distant memories in a forgotten past. All he could think of now was Buffy.
His hand longed for a tumbler of whiskey to hold, to sip, to fill and refill until he was so deliciously drunk that the glass would slip from his hands and fall to the floor, falling until it smashed on the ground, broken bones and torn muscles, barely contained in tattered, lifeless flesh...
Why Buffy? Why not Dawn? He knew it was selfish. He certainly didn't want Dawn to die... but he wanted Buffy not to die even more.
And he'd never told her. He'd let her go to her grave without ever knowing that he'd never truly given up on them being together someday, even when she'd been with...
Angel scowled in the darkness. That stupid asshole. He hoped it felt like a knife in the gut when the jerk found out. He prayed it hurt the bastard as badly as he was hurting, to know what he could've prevented if he'd opened his eyes and realized what he had.
And what Angel would never, could never, have had. Didn't Riley realize how lucky he was? Angel would've killed to be that close to Buffy. To be allowed to love her, with all his heart and soul. What did it matter if she didn't love him back? Just to be able to be with her all day... to see where she went, and what she ate, which classes she took, where she shopped, got her hair cut... picnics in daylight, the beach, car rides... to be anywhere, to be with her.
It was simply wrong. The whole deal was raw, unfair. That Buffy had died.
That she'd died alone.
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6