Innocent!
AN. Oh well, here I am, back with my monologues. I haven't written one in ages and I know that Sirius Black in Azkaban has been done before but, as usual, my muse made me do it before it goes back to its regular job. Please review.
Disclaimer: Credit for these characters and situations unfortunately is not mine L , it belongs to J.K. Rowling OBE (all hail), her publishers, and Warner Brothers. No money is being made on this unfortunately and I only have about £5 anyway so please don't sue.
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I sit in my cell. My robes are filthy and other prisoners fester around me. The screams alone are enough to drive anybody mad. How I wish it were only the screams! Every time I feel better, one of those… things (I shiver even to think of them) passes and I feel a terrible chill. I remember Lily and James's deaths, Peter's betrayal, Harry gone to live with Lily's filthy relatives. Sometimes I cannot remember who I am, these are the good days; I cannot remember why I am here, what has been done.
On the bad days, I am fully aware and I have only one thought, I am Sirius Black, I am Padfoot, I am INNOCENT! The things cannot keep me from thinking these thoughts. Another prisoner screams near me, I try to block the noise but it gets through whatever I do. Azkaban is terrible even for those who might deserve it, does anyone really deserve it? Sometimes, I just wish I had died when I confronted Pettigrew. Death is better than this perpetual twighlight. Death would come as a relief to me after spending, I do not know how long, in this place.
I am unrecognisable I am sure. I know my hair is long, wild, and filthy, I feel my face and I know it is cadaverous and the cheeks are hollow. I was Sirius Black, I was Padfoot, am I innocent? Is anybody innocent? Does anybody deserve punishment like this?
Were Lily and James's deaths my fault? I persuaded them to use Pettigrew as secret keeper. I could have prevented their deaths. What does Remus think of me? If he thinks that I am the traitor… I do not know what I would do. My existence here… I cannot call it a life… is terrible. The dementors, I shudder to name them, even in thought, walk past glorying in my dark mood and the smell of decay and filth coming from all the other prisoners and myself.
Sometimes, I long to be like the other prisoners, not aware of themselves, sitting there muttering in the dark. At least they are not troubled by what-ifs and wrongful imprisonment. I transform into Padfoot sometimes, when the suffering becomes too much to bear. I do so now, the smell is terrible. Dank, festering, moulding, decaying human flesh is the sharp scent in my nostrils. At least I am free of the presence of the dementors for a while. I yearn after death, I hope for death, I beg for death. Anything is better than here. If I were dead, I would be blissfully free of suffering.
I change back, my mind is clearer, I AM SIRIUS. I will not forget myself, I will not betray the memories of Lily and James by taking the easy way out and forgetting my duty to Harry, I must escape. This argument happens in my head again and again, am I going mad? Does Harry think I betrayed Lily and James? So many unanswered questions, I almost hope I never find the answers for I am sure that they would be a worse torment than Azkaban itself.
I lay myself out on the dismal little bed as though hoping for death to come over me and rescue me. Again, I hear the other prisoners screaming and shouting out in their sleep. Do I shout out in my sleep? Do I even truly exist as Sirius Black anymore? Do they think of me as a person or as prisoner 9042678A? Am I a person? Could I have saved James and Lily? Will I ever know happier times? Will there ever be a time when I have answers for these questions? I try to fall asleep still pondering over this every night, this is my daily routine. Please, James and Lily, wherever you are, can you forgive me?
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Epilogue
Harry Potter blinked back tears as he stood in the cell his Godfather had occupied for so many years. Sirius was a free man now but the scars ran deep. Sirius had talked to him about Azkaban and told Harry to visit it. Harry had brushed up on his patronus charm and gone to see it. He wondered how Sirius had survived.
'Sirius,' he whispered to himself, 'what did you go through here?'
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AN. I know it's short but my monologues always are. Hope you liked it. Please review. The main body is set about a year before Sirius's escape and Harry's little bit is set I don't know how many years later when Harry is an adult and Sirius has been successfully rehabilitated. I'll shut up now ::waves goodbye to his muse and goes of whistling::
Pax vobiscum, Nemo 20/1/01