Author's Note-
This is just a little humors version of the end of Breaking Dawn, whose real ending, personally I was disappointed with.
So, Irina's been killed, and they talked for a while longer. Jasper and Alice are late so the Volturi decide it's time to kill everyone.
"We're going to make this a much more exciting ending to your story," Aro declared happily, "We're going to try and kill you!"
"Oh...yay..." Bella mumbled, "Jacob...take...Renesmee...away. Good...bye..Renesmee..." With Bella's very emotional farewell to her daughter Jacob bounds away with Renesmee, because no one wants them around.
"Now...that...my..oh...so...important...daughter...is..gone...feel..free...to...attack...us. She's...all...that...matters..." Bella continued in the same emotionless mumble.
"What? What about me I thought you loved me?" Edward exclaimed outraged.
"Oh...yeah...you. Nope...you...can..go...ahead..and...die..." Bella went on in her monotonous voice.
"I'm leaving you Bella, and finding someone who truly loves me. I only have a few million fan girls, one of them aught to be the one for me." With that Edward bounded away, leaving everyone else slightly stunned.
"Who...will...love...me...now?" Bella asked. "Edward... left... and.. Jacob's... in.. love.. with.. my... daughter"
"Who cares who's going to love Bella, we're ready to kill you now," Aro reminded them all.
A very bloody, and venomousy battle ensues. Without Edward, and Bella too distracted finding out who will love her to use her special power, the rest of the Cullens and their friends are easily ripped a part by the Volturi. Seeing that there was no way for any of them to the remaining werewolves had fled.
"That was easier then I thought," Caius commented, as he surveyed the mass of torn bodies. Most were silent but Bella's head kept on mumbling things like "Well...there's...always...Mike," and "Maybe...Ben...would...pick...me...over...Angela..."
"Felix, take care of them," Aro instructed.
Felix nodded and walked over the torn limb. He pulled out the lighter and flicked it. Nothing happened. He flicked it again. Nothing happened.
"Come on," Felix encouraged as he tried it a third time. Again nothing happened. "Aw, come on! It's out Aro. We must have used it all on the Irina lady"
"I told you not to use so much but, you wouldn't listen" Demitri said smugly.
"Incompetent fool! Do something about it!" Aro shouted.
While Felix had been struggling with the lighter the Cullens and friends were quietly reattaching themselves. "Oh, that feels good," Zafrina sighed as she twisted her head back into place.
"How...can...you...say...some things..good...when..no...one...loves...me!"Bella wailed.
"Look! You waited to long!" Caius exclaimed. "Now we have to fight them again." He rounded on Felix. "You," He prodded him hard in the chest, "Get a fire going while we take care of them or else."
"How am I supposed to light a fire without a lighter?" Felix asked.
"For heavens sake Felix! You're a hundred and twenty! I think you can figure out how to light a simple fire," Caius replied.
Caius ignored Felix's further protests, and again started fighting the Cullens+friends.
"The...pain...doesn't...matter...now...that...have...no...admirers," Bella mumbled simply as she was once again torn to bits.
"Bella quit being a cry baby and do something, aren't you supposed to have some super power the can protect us all?" Kate yelled to Bella as she zapped one of the Volturi.
"That...was...a...lie," Bella admitted. "It... wasn't ...a ...special ...ability ...that ...prevented ...Edward ...from ...reading... my... mind. My... head... was... just... always... empty... so... there... was... nothing... there... for... him... to... read."
"What about Jane then?" Kate stopped abruptly to stare at Bella, her eyebrows raised in question. "Why didn't she hurt you."
"Becasue... my...brain...works... so... slowly... that... it... didn't... register... I... was... in... pain... until... after... Edward... had... gone... back... to... his... house," Bella replied.
"So if I were to do this," Kate reached her arm out and zapped Bella. "You're fine right now but in a few hours you'll feel the pain?"
"Yes... that's... right," Bella replied. "Now,... let... me... get... back... to... moping... for... poor... little... unloved... me."
Kate did so, turning back to fight off more of the Volturi vampires.
Meanwhile Felix was grappling with the concept of starting a fire.
"Oh, how do I do this?" He complained to himself. "In this day and age everyone uses lighters to start fire, or at least matches and I don't have either! And if I don't have a fire by the time Caius is ready for one, I'm dead meat."
He sighed heavily, "If only there were some way for unintelligent people to figure how to do simple things like lighting fires without lighters of matches." Then his face brightened as he got an idea.
"I'll be right back!" Felix called, and he sped away in the direction of the nearest book store.
The fight continued with they Cullens+friends gaining a slight advantage. Surprisingly the Cullens+friends were doing much better than they had the first time and more and more of the Volturi vampires were finding themselves in pieces littering the ground.
Felix returned shortly, a yellow and black book clasped tightly in his hands. He opened the first page of the book, which was titled Fire-Starting For Dummies. Quickly he assembled a fire pit according to what the book said.
"Ha, this is easy," he proclaimed, once the fire was ready to be lit "Now all I have to do is light it." He started rubbing two sticks together, waiting for them to catch fire and light the bonfire he had prepared. "Caius is gonna be so pleased when he sees the fire that I make," he said gleefully.
But no matter how hard, or how long he rubbed the sticks simply refused to light. "I will not give up! This will light." He kept muttering to himself as he worked.
Thirty minuets later the fire still had not lit. In that time, the Volturi and the Cullens+friends had reassembled themselves at least three times each. "This getting tiring, where is that fire Felix?" Caius's head and torso called out as it lay on the ground.
"I'm working on it," Felix replied. His hands were moving so fast they were just blurs but still the sticks did not light.
"Well then, let's fight again," Zafrina said, who had quite taken to the whole fight, get ripped up, reassemble yourself and then fight again process they had gotten into.
So again they fought.
"We're finally here!" Alice's voice game from within the trees, after a while longer of fighting. She appeared a moment later, with Jasper at her side and looked over the battlefield "Oh, you're already killing them?"
All of the Volturi, with the exception of Felix, who was still working on his fire, were in pieces on the ground. Bella was also their because she now refused to put herself back together, choosing instead to die since no one loved her anymore. Everyone else was fine.
"I brought a half-human half- vampire with me to show that they're fine so nobody needs to fight anyone anymore," Alice said. "They're fine if you're wondering, no reason to want to kill Renesmee."
"So you mean we did all of this fighting for nothing!" Aro exclaimed.
"And we didn't even get to gouge their eyes out, let alone kill them," Vladimir protested.
"Come on it was fun," Zafrina said, "We should do it again sometime."
"So there's nothing left for us to do I guess except to go back to Volterra," Aro said.
Just as everyone was about to agree Felix finally lit a spark with his sticks. This would have been fine had Jasper not been standing right next to him, with his back turned to Felix.
POOF!
Now you see this wasn't just any poof, or any fart. It was a Jasper fart, something he hadn't done for 146 years, and it was a big one.
The result was that the tiny spark burst into a huge flame which quickly engulfed all of the Volturi and Bella. The fire went out almost as quickly as it had started leaving nothing of the Volturi or Bella except for a sweet smelling odour in the air. "Wow." Felix breathed. "I am good."
"That felt good," Jasper sighed, his face looking slightly less pained.
Alice patted his arm, "Now that they're taken care of let's go get something to drink."
Author's Note-
So you like, dislike? You all know how to tell me.
Also the whole thing about the Jasper fart, has anyone else realized that in the scene where all the Cullen's are walking in Jasper looks constipated? Well I did so that's where that came from.