~Author's Note~ Just a little story I've had in mind for awhile and decided to actually put down.
It started when Miranda walked into her room with every intention of getting a few winks of sleep.
That was something that was difficult to do when both her bed and her couch were missing.
"What on earth..." Undoubtedly this was Joker pulling a prank on her again. She was going to break both his arms if he kept this up. She turned, heading back out into the hallway with a sigh. That was when she ran into Jacob, who looked extraordinarily pissed off.
"... find out who took my bed and my sheets, I'm going to shoot them. Bang. Right in the head."
Miranda became even more puzzled. Joker wouldn't risk pissing them both off at the same time... would he?
"You too?"
"Huh? Oh hey, Miranda. What do you mean you too?"
"Did someone steal your bed as well?"
Jacob looked at her, an odd expression on his face. "You mean... what the hell. Someone is going to pay for this."
"I entirely concur with that assessment. Come on. Let's go ask Joker if he knows anything about this."
The bridge was strangely empty of crewmembers, except for Joker, who was watching something on the cam and laughing hysterically.
Miranda stalked up behind him and whirled the chair around.
"Woah there, Ms. Lawson, easy! What can I help you with on this fine day?"
He looked entirely too happy for her tastes. "Out with it. What have you done with my bed?"
The grin on Joker's face widened. "Well, I haven't done anything to it, although I must share some of the blame for its acquisition by other sources."
"What? Speak plainly, Joker. I swear, if something has happened to my bed, I will throw you out of the airlock."
He just turned that infuriating grin up even more. "A little drastic of a response, isn't it?"
"Damn it Joker! What the hell happened to my bed!"
"Well you see, it all started when Ms. Chambers suggested that Shepard and Garrus needed a little... well, assistance in lowering certain barriers that were preventing them from starting an intimate relationship." He leered, raising his eyebrows in a very unsubtle hint. "Alcoholic assistance, if you get my drift. Something about lowering societally-created barriers to reveal the true you underneath, honestly, I didn't really listen to her all that much. It was a bunch of psychological mumbo-jumbo anyway."
Miranda sighed. "Turians can't get drunk off of alcohol, Mr. Moreau, you know that."
He smirked. "Not off of dextro-based alcohol, no."
Miranda looked slightly alarmed. "Tell me you didn't give him our alcohol."
"Not exactly. I had Mordin synthesize a version of alcohol that both of them could drink! However, it turns out that it is, shall we say, highly intoxicating."
Miranda gave a long-suffering sigh. "So you got both Shepard and Garrus drunk, is that what you're telling me?"
"Yes, exactly." He appeared pleased at her grasping the situation so easily.
She gave him her best glare. "And what does that have to do with my bed being missing?"
Joker waggled his eyebrows. "Well, you see, they decided they needed the beds to, well, become one."
"Become one?"
"Do the hanky-panky? Ride the whirly-go-round? Do the nasty?"
EDI's voice cut in. "What Mr. Moreau is trying to say, I believe, is that Shepard and Garrus wish to become intimate."
Miranda's eyes practically bulged out of her sockets. "You mean they are using my bed to..."
Joker grinned again, the smirk returning tenfold to his face. "Yep. I'm afraid they decided that their own beds were simply not enough for the purpose at hand, and they have collected several other beds in order to best accomplish said purpose."
"Like HELL they are!" She turned, heading for the elevator at a brisk trot. She made a point of never running, but the thought of Shepard and Garrus doing... that, on HER sheets and on HER bed, well, that simply could not be allowed to happen.
"EDI, captain's floor."
"Um, yes, Ms. Lawson, but I have to warn you-"
"CAPTAIN'S FLOOR! NOW!"
"Yes, Ms. Lawson."
The doors pinged and she stepped out into the corridor. She could hear them all the way out here. Giggling. Good god, Garrus was giggling. The very thought of that occurring- he must be well and truly drunk.
Suddenly, all sound ceased. They had heard her. Well, fine. She was about to give them one hell of a lecture.
"Open this door right now, Shepard."
She didn't actually expect that to work, but figured it was worth a shot. To her surprise, the door slid back.
She stepped in the room, which was darkened, and put on her best in-command voice. "This shows a complete lack of-" but she never got to finish her sentence, because something hit her in the chest, hard, and knocked all the wind out of her. She went sprawling back out into the corridor and fell flat on her back. There was... paint. Blue paint in the middle of her spotless white uniform. The one she had just washed. She stood up, now truly angry, and stormed into the room, throwing up a biotic glow to light the area.
She stopped. Something was not right. The beds were piled up, or rather the mattresses were, in an odd manner in front of her. They formed a square, with a small gap in-between them directly in front of her. And the barrel of a gun was protruding out of one of them.
"DEFEND FORT NORMANDY, GARRUS! I COMMAND YOU!" Shepard's voice, quite obviously drunk, came thundering out of the dark recesses in front of her. She took a step towards it. "Okay, Shepard, it's time for you-" She was hit again, this time in the side, a spread of three shots that sent her flying into the side of the room- fortunately a mattress had been tossed there as well.
"Good show, lieutenant Garrus! For that display of bravery, you shall be promoted to sergeant!"
The turian's voice sounded different than Miranda had ever heard. The sub-tonals in it were far more easily heard, and it made him difficult to understand. She was pretty sure he said something about being "vigilant for more incoming invaders."
Shepard's voice turned indignant. "The enemy has destroyed our left turret! You threw her into so hard that you blew it up! Go clean up your mess, sir knight."
"I thought I was a shergeant?"
"You are a knight. I am queen of the fort, and as queen, I command that you deal with this nuisance."
Garrus stayed put. "I am commander of the right turret. I thought you said Sir Blasto was commander of the left turret. It should be his responsibility to clean up his own turret. While I'm gone, enemy spies might sneak in and attack my own command."
Miranda groaned, rolling over, and nearly shrieked as she came face to face with a giant stuffed hanar. The thing had a gun in every single tentacle, and a small tag read, "Blasto the Jellyfish. With full range of action, lights, and sounds, this representation of the baddest council spectre to ever float in the galaxy will strike fear into the hearts of your foes. Blasto the Jellyfish: Enkindle this!"
Well. They wanted to play like this, then fine. Three could play at this game. She stood, and hurled the stuffed hanar with biotically enhanced strength into the side of Shepard's fort. When it hit, blue and red lights flashed up and down the tentacles and a voice said, "This one doesn't have time for your solid waste excretions." The entire fort collapsed inward and there was an "Ooof," from its occupant. "Oh no! Garrus, quickly! Sir Blasto has turned against us, the traitor! That's why he allowed his turret to be destroyed! It was all part of his dastardly plan!"
Miranda stood with all the dignity she could muster, and stalked out of the room, her bed floating behind her. Well, she hoped it was her bed. It was at least, a bed, which is all that mattered at the moment.
She passed Jacob and Joker, who were both bent over the console, laughing and pointing. Jacob saw her and straightened up, a wide grin on his face. "Hey! Where's my bed? You only went and got yours!"
She turned and smiled sweetly at him, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "Oh, I was sure you would want the privilege of rescuing it from Sir Blasto yourself."
She went into her office and slammed the door shut behind her.
It was far past time to get some sleep.