Gaze of the Abyss
There were times when Ted wondered whether true love really conquers all, whether freedom was really the value for which he fought.
Strange for him to think that, the Muggle-born who had married the most exalted of all Slytherin princesses, who had defied all the ancient boundaries so carelessly.
But most people never knew how Andromeda Tonks shook ever so perceptibly when entertaining her Muggle in-laws. Most people never saw the look that passed over her unfathomable eyes, ever so briefly, when the crimes of the Death Eaters were mentioned – a look not of shame or hatred, but of yearning.
That was why it was Ted who decided that they would join the Order of the Phoenix, and Ted who allowed Nymphadora to leave the house in attire that would have made even Dumbledore cringe. Their daughter's room was decorated in Hufflepuff colours from the time of her birth, with no hint of green or silver. The major choices of their life were all Ted's.
It was not because Andromeda agreed with any of these decisions; she might have become better at suppressing her pureblood arrogance, but it still seethed as strongly as ever. Neither was it because Ted distrusted his wife or wished to curb her nature in any way. No, the reason Ted made all these decisions was because Andromeda insisted that he do so.
From the time that Bellatrix's crimes became notorious, Andromeda had entirely lost faith in her own moral compass. She could not be persuaded that the darkness in her nature was at all tameable. Instead, she jerked hard on the reins of her wilful personality and became docile and obedient.
Oh, she was still Andromeda under it all. They still talked and laughed quite naturally together, but once in a while her dark, sarcastic humour would resurface, and she would make one of her cruel, insightful remarks that had left Hogwarts students more afraid of her than they had been of Bellatrix's curses. And then she would bite back on her words and fall silent, and no more scathing wit could be coaxed out of her for days.
Ted never really understood it until he met Bellatrix in battle, not long before the death of Lily and James. He had never encountered her before, had taken Andromeda's warnings of her lethality quite seriously. And when he saw her, he was struck so dumb that he was lucky to escape alive.
Because the joy in her eyes, the elation of the bloodlust, was exactly what was missing from Andromeda's. Finally he appreciated what his wife feared in her own nature, why she so shrank from the darkness in her heart. She was right; it could never be broken, because this was what it craved: total devotion, freedom from consequences, dominion over all. She was a Black; she could not be satisfied with less. She would only be truly alive in the euphoria of destruction.
And for a few incomprehensible moments, Ted hated himself for coming along and ruining everything. If not for him, Andromeda would be with her sister, and she would be happy and glorious and triumphant and not at all hesitant. And so many more would be dead, and Nymphadora would never have existed, and the world as he knew and loved it would be nothing but a dream.
For the first time, the innocent, good-natured Muggle-born understood what Andromeda had given up for him. She had willingly caged herself, turned her back on what she really wanted. She had given up her freedom, and she would never be genuinely happy, and that was one of the prices to be paid for a better world.
The rest of the Order might fight for freedom, but Andromeda Tonks fought for slavery. She may have left her family for true love, but, in truth, love had changed nothing at all.
A/N: Title is from Friedrich Nietzsche: "He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."
None of the characters are mine