Something was wrong with the picture in front of him. Everything in House's office was as he had left it, but there was one little tiny thing wrong with it. Well, maybe it wasn't so tiny, because a woman of thirty-three sitting in the chair behind his desk was certainly a big change. He thought that he recognized her, but he didn't know who she was, though there was something familiar about the smug look on her face as she looked up at him, smiling.
"Well, look's like the doctor's finally in the house. Or the House is finally in the office. Nice décor, by the way. Really has the whole 'I really don't give a shit if you think my office is messy' kind of a vibe about it." A thin black haired face turned her attention to the fingernails on her long pianist's hands while she waited for him to reply.
"Who the hell are you?" Subtle. She knew that he would be very, very subtle.
"Indeed, who am I? That really could take hours. Do you wish to know my position, parentage, or reason for sitting in your chair? Because all three answers would be of great interest to you
"Fine." House answered, not liking that this woman was in no way shape or form intimidated by him.
"Well, the look of recognition may be from the fact that I am the new psychologist here, and you were three people behind me in the lunch line today, or it might be from the fact that I share many of your facial features, and the startlingly blue eyes that caused my mother to desire to take your virginity thirty four years ago." the woman finished calmly, as if talking to a frustrated ten year old. Her words caused House's mouth to gape open for a few seconds, before he recovered and resumed his usual expression of cocky indifference.
"Ah. I get it. You're my daughter, created when I was sixteen and desperate to get laid, and you decided that you would check out the staff at your new workplace. Discovering a name that your mother surely remembers in complete awe and reverence, you wanted to check up on this possible father figure. Well, I hate to break it to you, but father I am not."
"Hmm. Didn't really expect you to be the caring type, having shot a couple well placed glances at the file kept on you. Now, before you go all inwardly freaked out on having a new found spawn, maybe you can sit down before your right leg gives out on you." House looked down to see that his injured leg was indeed shaking, and he now noticed that bolts of pain were shooting up his thigh. Well, nothing like the shock of finding your unknown daughter, created in the eleventh grade, sitting in your desk when you were just about to sit down for a quiet glass of scotch to get your mind off of chronic pain. He popped a couple Vicodin, eyeing his daughter suspiciously.
"Are you sure that this isn't just some elaborate practical joke?"
"Oh, you don't believe that. But I'll give you points for trying to put me into a different place in your life other than your offspring. But don't worry; I'm already past all of the awkward stages of my life. You can treat me like anyone else, which I expect would be with cynicism and arrogance. I will be working at the hospital for as long as I can, which might not be very long. You see I, like you, have a flair for trouble and a nagging disrespect for authority." Ironic that just then, Cuddy walked into the office, carrying a file and a look of ultimate vengeance.
"House!" she shouted, looking past the woman sitting in the space he would usually occupy, "You weren't at clinic duty this morning, which means you have to do double tomorrow, which might be a problem seeing as you have a new case!"
"Oh, don't get your panties in a bunch, Cuddy. I actually can't do clinic duty, now or ever. I finally got myself tested and it turns out I AM allergic to the seat covers in the exam rooms. Besides, we wouldn't want to get into a heated argument, not while we have company. Because you know how those always end up in a different kind of heat." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively, which caused Cuddy to roll her eyes, before remembering what he had just said.
"Dr. Phelps! What the hell are you doing here?" she asked the woman behind her (least) favourite employee's desk. "I'm sure you've read Dr. House's file, which really should contain a very long warning letter." She looked at House angrily, as if she believed that it was his fault that she had ended up in his office.
"House, this is Dr. Holly Phelps, the new psychologist in the pediatrics department. Dr. Phelps, this is Dr. Gregory House, Head of Diagnostics."
"I'm sure she figured that out from the sign outside, Cuddy. And what happened to the old psychologist in pediatrics? I always liked old Henry; he always closed the elevator door on me when I was trying to get in. Oh, wait, that's not a happy memory. I seem to have gotten happy and sad mixed up. Maybe Dr. Phelps can help me."
"It's okay." Phelps said as Cuddy made a move to reprimand House for his rudeness. "He didn't drag me in here or anything; I came of my own free will."
"And why was that?" Cuddy asked, looking as if she was wondering what possible reason anyone would ever willingly see House.
"I wanted to see my father." Phelps smiled at the confused look on Cuddy's face. Just a few more minutes, and she could enjoy the fallout from what would surely be one of the Dean's biggest shocks in a while. Oh, this would be good.
"Is he one of House's patients?" Cuddy asked weakly, hoping that the answer would not be…
"House is my father." Yup, the look of shock on her face did not disappoint. Cuddy blinked her eyes stupidly for a few seconds before turning to House, who was wearing a very curious expression on his face. Almost like pride…
"Is that true?"
"Looks like it. If her last name is Phelps, that means her mother was Olivia Phelps, the very lovely young woman I lost my virginity to when I was sixteen, before moving away with my family to follow my father. Plus, she seems to share my love of screwing with people." That would most definitely be a plus. Maybe having a daughter wouldn't be so bad, if they could be more friends than family. And by friends, he meant drinking buddies.
"You seem to be dealing with this pretty well."
"Like she said, she's past the awkward teenager phase, and her job seems pretty set, so not much parenting I need to do."
"Well, maybe you two can get to know each other. Your case is on your desk; please take a look at it before throwing it in the trash. I'll be down in my office if you need to talk, Dr. Phelps."
"I think I'll be fine." Oh, she would be more than fine. Her father seemed to be the perfect person to wreak havoc on the hospital with. And he seemed to have the Dean of Medicine in his pocket, so that wouldn't be a problem. Oh yes, she noticed the sparks flying between them.
"Well, I'll expect you," she said, turning to House, "At the board meeting tomorrow morning, so you better be on time. We are, after all, discussing the law suit problem."
"Wilson should just stop harassing his patients." House said with a straight face.
"Yes, I'm sure that if Wilson stopped being an inconsiderate ass to everyone who gets in his way, there wouldn't be this problem to discuss."
"I'll be sure to tell him that. See ya round, Cuddles." And with that, she stalked off down the hallway; her hips swinging attractively as she unconsciously moved her body differently knowing that House would be staring after her.
"Damn, she's one fine piece of ass. If you don't tap that, I will." Phelps said, breaking the silence that accompanied House's admiring stare.
"What, are you bisexual? Cause I know one girl who's a bit more willing to get into that stuff than PowerAdministrator over there."
"No. I'm a lesbian." House looked incredulously at her.
"Fo' shizzle?"
"Fo' shizzle." she answered, smirking as he smiled at her.
"I already tapped that." he told her proudly, "And trust me, it was awesome."
"Really. When?"
"Twenty years ago." he admitted grudgingly.
"Well, we're just going to have to work on that, won't we?" He looked at her skeptically.
"Oh, come on, Romeo, the electricity between you two was so strong I could almost see the bolts of lightning. You do want to sleep with her again, don't you?"
"Well, duh." Who wouldn't want to sleep with her? Although House had a sneaking suspicion that Phelps was talking about a little more than just a one time thing, and some part of House couldn't help but agree with her. Of course, this was the small part of House that just offered his more dominating side someone to poke fun at when he was bored.
"Then I can help you." She smiled even wider at House, which was just as disconcerting on her as it was on him.
"Why do you want to hook me up with Cuddy?"
"Well, let's just say that playing matchmaker is just on of the many ways that I amuse myself."
"You just want to make other people happy because you can't find that kind of connection with anyone yourself."
"Stop deflecting, I know you want her."
"Well, you're deflecting from the truth I spoke in my deflection."
"For your information, I have a girlfriend. She works here; actually, she was the one who recommended the job for me."
"And just which one of our fine nurses are you currently screwing?"
"Now, I can't tell you that, you'd just harass the living hell out of her." House smirked. Finally, someone who really understood him and could play his annoying games. Foreman came in the room, carrying a case file.
"We have a case, forty seven year old-" Foreman looked at the woman sitting in House's chair curiously. "What's Dr. Phelps doing here?"
"How does Ebony know who you are?" House asked her, out of Foreman's earshot.
"He offered to buy me lunch today." she grumbled reluctantly, "I was forced to make small talk."
Foreman registered the private conversation between the two people.
"Do you guys know each other?"
"Oh, yeah, Dr. Phelps over here is the calls handler at my favorite escort service." answered House, looking at Phelps for approval. She looked at him, amused, and winked at Foreman.
"Actually, I'm House's daughter." she said in a sarcastic tone, laughing at the look of glee on House's face.
"Well, you seem to share his sense of humour. That's a good one, House having a daughter in her thirties; he would've had to have been a teenager when you were created." House chuckled.
"Actually, Foreman, Dr. Phelps is my daughter. Just found out today. Surprise!"
"Yeah right." Foreman looked at House and Phelps, who looked pretty serious.
"You're not joking!"
"Nope. Now, before you start the rumour mill going, well, just don't. There really isn't any reason to believe that we're related, in fact, if people see us together, they're more likely to believe that we're dating."
"Well, it was nice meeting you again, uh, Dr. Phelps." Foreman said awkwardly, as House and Phelps looked at him, amused by his obvious discomfort. "We do have a case, House."
"Ahh, yes, the righteous calling of saving lives, instead of picking apart the mind behind them."
"I guess I should leave you alone with your world class team, then." Phelps said, picking up her purse.
"Done some research on your new found old man?"
"There really wasn't enough information out there for research; you really haven't made enough of an impression on the medical community." she said sarcastically.
"No, wreaking havoc in multiple hospitals while solving the unsolvable hasn't given me enough of a reputation." House replied, rolling his eyes at her. "Goodbye, Dr. Offspring."
"Goodbye, Dr. Dad." Phelps said as she got out of his chair and walked out the door.
"Wow, you seem to have your hands full with that one." Foreman commented.
"Yeah, well, like she said, I'm lucky I met her after the teenage years. And no, you can't ask her out for dinner. She's a lesbian."
"Yeah," said Foreman, chuckling, "She told me as soon as I offered to buy me a salad."