KARKAT'S FIRST ENCOUNTER WITH THE ONIONS
Karkat somehow finds himself amidst the company of his friend Dave as they are chopping some onions to make dinner. Their blades saw over the inviting vegetable, but soon Karkat becomes flustered. Tearing. Sniffling. Eventually his glossy cherry tears drip from his cheeks to dress the onions like red hot sauce.
"Dave... Dave... i... do i need that stupid fucking human thing known as a hug?" he stammered, bewildered by the alarming rate in which his eyes grew more agitated.
"Depends. Do you feel sorry for the onions Karkat? You should. They were like you once you know. They had friends" Dave grumbled out a giggle and continued, "they just wanted to be loved, to lead the human race into culinary success, but now we're chopping them up." He finished to notice Karkat had stopped chopping.
" i... i feel no emotion, I'm just crying, you shit stain... why..." Karkat began but his sentence tapered off into a whisper and was truncated by Dave.
"That's how the onions feel now. No emotions: because they're dead" Dave interrupted and bit his lip as Karkat withdrew into a corner lamenting over the onions. Curled into the foetal position like a person who died from the cold while trying to preserve warmth to no avail.
"That is so fucked. I can't fucking stand you humans. Why would you do this?" he whined on the floor. A moment of silence passed before Dave crumpled onto the kitchen work top, appearing as if he too had fell to the disdain for the onions. The silence continued as Daves shoulders shrugged repeatedly on the desk top like a sorrowful float bobbing in a rippling lake.
"fwahahahahaha!" Dave's voice broke the silence as Karkat pulled his head into his knees in pity.
"you fuck! You bulge biting ever untrust-fucking-worthy shitstain of a lesser being! What?! What?!" Karkat's head shot up as his voice roared only to become diluted by Dave's laughter. So he arose to stare down the helpless pile of ecstatic limbs rolling on the floor.
"im done" he gave his final hiss and returned to his respite block in an adorable huff.
An hour later Karkat appeared in the kitchen and flung himself down into a chair with a face that resembled a mans expression who stood on faecal matter in his sons room as he just discovered his son having sex with cold meat out of the family fridge. Disgusted with life.
" Guess what shit stain" he demanded from Dave as he conspired a hilarious story with Terezi.
"Yeah, I found out a little fucking fun fact about onions" he quickened before Dave could respond. Dave's silence answered Karkats statement and prompted him to go on.
"Onions are the most fiendish, fucked, benevolent bastards ever spawned from the ground! They give you that bullshit show when you're eating them: "oh, look at ever-fucking irresistibly smooth tasting me. How could any vegetable that caramelises into such a fucking nook lovingly sweet tasting piece of shit be so horrible". You know what happens when you chop them up?! The little shitstains fire ever agon-fucking-ising acid into your ever fucking ill protected eyes! What the fuck?! Why the fuck would they do that?! Like some kind of fucking punishment for eating healthy food?! Fuck onions! Fuck them all the way back to the dark nook infested fuck hole they decided to be birthed from! fuck that hole! Fuck the planet that hole is on! Fuck that particular area of space! Fuck me! Fuck you! Fuck onions! Fuck everything! you know what? Fuck fucks!"
AN: Hey guys, this is the first thing I have uploaded and it is for all you Homestuck fans out there. Unfortunately, I did not write this fic, it was my good friend James who wrote this and he does a fabulous John God Tier cosplay. Thank you for reading, sorry if there are spelling mistakes and grammar screw ups.