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American Pie Presents: Graduation Screenplay By: Austin Vargas Based on Characters by Adam Herz
It Begins.
The Camera shows Zack Stifler, he is on his laptop sitting on the living room couch, Cadence walks in.
Cadence:" Okay, well I'm leaving for work"
Zack:" Bye, Mom"
Cadence leaves.
Zack clicks on a tab on his laptop, it pulls up, it's a porn site.
Zack:" Lotion! I need fuckin lotion"
He walks into the kitchen with his laptop, he looks around for lotion.
He notices an empty bottle of it in the trash.
Zack:" Shit!"
He thinks for a second, then notices a canister of mayonaise on the counter.
Zack grabs it, opens the lid, and looks inside.
Zack:" This could work, the Stiffmeister can work with this"
He puts it down for a second to pull his pants down, he picks it back up and shoves his penis into it.
He moves it slowly up and down.
Zack:" Oh yeah, Holy shit this feels good"
He keeps on until he Ejaculates in the mayonaise.
Zack:" Wow, that was fuckin awesome!"
He hears a noise, someone is coming, he pulls his penis out of the Mayonaise, puts the lid back on, grabs his laptop, and then runs out of the kitchen.
After cleaning it off walks back into the kitchen, where he sees his dad, Steve Stifler.
Steve:" Whats up, Fuckface!"
Zack:" Hey Dad"
Steve:" Where's your mom?"
Zack:" Uh, she went to work"
Steve:" Oh...Damn I'm fuckin hungry, I'm gonna make a sandwhich, do you want a sandwhich?"
Zack:" Uh sure"
Steve:" Well then make it yourself Dildo Fuck!"
Steve grabs some bread, slaps a couple of pieces of lunch meat on it, he goes to take a bite.
Steve:" Shit, almost forgot the mayonaise!"
Zack tries not to panic.
Zack:" D-dad, are you uh-sure you want mayonaise , why not mustard?"
Steve:" Fuck No! I'll eat it however I want to Fucker!"
He spreads the mayonaise on the bread, he grabs a spoon and scoops a pile of mayonaise on his sandwhich.
Zack:" Don't you think that's a lot?"
Steve:" No I always use this much"
Steve takes a bite out of the sandwhich.
Zack doesn't want to watch. Steve chews, then starts to gag.
Steve:" What the fuck's with this mayonaise?"
He takes another bite.
Zack:" Don't take another bite!"
Steve gags some more, then hurls on the floor.
Zack(with a sigh):" shit"
The title shows upon the screen, and the American Pie Theme plays,
with Opening Credits following.
We see Zack, Robert and Joe at Dog Years, the Hot dog shop.
Robert:" A jar of mayonaise?"
Joe:" Yeah seriously dude, what the fuck?"
Zack:" Hey fuck off you cock meat sandwhiches, I did it out of curiosity"
Robert:" Did your dad find out what was in the mayonaise?"
Zack:" Fuck no, I'd be fuckin dead right now, he just said he's not gonna buy store brand mayonaise anymore"
They laugh.
Zack:" Oh shit! Joe look over there! Its Brianna!"
Joe stares at her and smiles.
Zack:" hey dumbass go get some"
Joe:" No"
Zack:" Why the hell not?"
Robert:" Yeah dude, you've been drooling over her since freshman year"
Zack:" Remove the fuckin wall blocking your cock and go"
Joe:" No I'd be to shy"
Zack:" Hey Shit head, Wake up! We're graduating in a week, and you havent lost your virginity!"
Joe:" I've lost my virginity!"
Zack:" Your hand doesn't count, Dick Face"
Robert:" Seriously man"
Zack:" Like you should be talking, Fuckface, you've only had sex once!"
Zack:" Listen this is our last week of highschool, before graduation, you two got to get laid, and I'm gonna help you, we're gonna have the craziest week of our lives"
Zack raises his cup.
Zack:" Who's with the Stiffmeister?"
Robert and Joe raise thier cups too.
They all drink thier drinks.
The next day at East Great Falls High School, Zack is walking down the hallway with Robert and Joe.
A kid named Wilson Kelford walks up.
Robert:" Go away, Kelford!"
Wilson:" Fuck you! Hey Stifler, I heard you're having a party after Graduation"
Zack:" Yeah! Hope to see you there...NOT!"
He and his friends laugh while walking away.
Joe:" So what's the first 'crazy' thing we do this week Stifler?"
Zack:" I don't know, I'll fuckin think of something"
Behind them 2 beautiful girls walk into the locker room, Zack and his friends hear them talking.
Girl #1:" Yeah, Amy said all of her friends keep dildos in thier gym lockers and sometimes use them after class"
Girl #2:" No way"
Girl #1:" it's only a rumor, but I think its true"
The girls are gone.
Zack:" Holy Shit! You boys thinking what I'm thinking?"
Robert:" What?"
Zack:" I say we sneak into the locker room and hide in some of the unused lockers, and catch some action"
Joe:" But didn't you hear that girl, she said its a rumor"
Zack:" Okay, if it's not true than we still get to see them undress"
Robert:" What about class?"
Zack:" Don't be a pussy, we'll skip"
Joe:" I'm in"
Robert:" Me too"
Zack peeks into the door.
Zack:" The coast is clear, come on!"
They sneek in and climb in three empty lockers.
Later, the girls come into the locker room. The girls begin to get undressed.
Girl #1:" I sweated alot, I need to change bras"
The girl strips off her bra, then puts another one on.
Girl #2:" Me too"
The girl is about to when Zack's cell phone rings, he tries to shut it off.
Girl #3:" What the Hell?"
Girl #2:" I think some one is in that locker"
Girl #1:" A Pervert!"
She opens the locker and sees Zack, she opens the other lockers too revealing Robert and Joe.
Zack:" Hey, Ladies!"
Girl #1:" I'm telling the principle!"
Later, Zack, Robert, and Joe are seen in the guidance counselor's office, the guidance counselor is Chck Sherman.
Sherman:" Well, Well, Well! If it isn't Zack Stifler! I knew you couldn't go the last week with out getting in more trouble, your Dad must be proud, well I'm not"
Zack:" I don't give a fuck if you're proud, Sherminator"
Sherman:" Hey don't mock me, I am a sophisticated counseling robot sent back through time to stop yet another Stifler"
Zack:" Fag"
Sherman:" I don't find you amusing, Zack, not one bit, your punishment will be to come in everyday after school this week to help decorate for the Graduation ceremony"
Zack:" Fuck No!"
Sherman:" If you don't say goodbye to Graduation, I'll take it easy on your buddies here because this is thier first time in here but I'm serious about you, starting today, you will be in the gym after school helping, do you understand?"
Zack:" But- -"
Sherman:" it's either that or Hasta la vista, Graduation, for you Zack"
Later, after school Zack arrives in the gym to only person that is there is a girl with blonde hair.
Girl:" Oh hey, you must be Zack, I'm Jenna"
Zack notices how cute she is.
Zack:" What's up! I'll be right back, I'm gonna go to the bathroom"
Jenna:" Okay"
Zack runs off to the bathroom, he calls Robert.
Robert:" Hello"
Zack:" hey pussy lips its me"
Robert:" Oh hey whats up Stifler? How's the after school thing going?"
Zack:" I just got here, but the only other person here is a fuckin hot chick"
Robert:" Are you serious?"
Zack:" Hell fuckin yeah, I'm serious! I think I might not hate this after all,
alright got to go peace out!"
Zack hangs up and walks back over to Jenna.
Zack:" So where do we start?"
Jenna:" Could you put this sign on the wall?"
Zack:" What do I look like your fuckin sla- I mean...sure"
Jenna:" Thanks!"
Zack tapes it on the wall.
Jenna:" Hey Zack, I have a question, why were you in the girls locker room"
Zack(lying):" Well you see my friend Joe really likes this girl, so he wanted to slip a love letter into her locker, than when we heard the girls coming, so we hid in the lockers not wanting to get caught"
Jenna:" That's a load of shit, isn't it?"
Zack:" No, I'm telling you its true"
Jenna:" Whatever"
Zack:" So I havn't seen you around before, are you a senior?"
Jenna:" No I'm a Junior"
Zack:" Then why are you helping with graduation?"
Jenna:" I volunteered"
Zack:" Oh, so have you ever heard of me?"
Jenna:" Who hasn't heard of Stifler, your family is a legend here at East Great Falls"
Zack smiles.
Jenna:" Everybody talks about how cool the Stiflers are, I think your all a bunch of Douche bags"
Zack:" We're not fuckin Douche Bags!"
Jenna:" There's one of the reasons, you say the F word in every sentence"
Zack:" No we Fuckin don't...Oh! But have you actually ever met a Stifler before me"
Jenna:" No"
Zack:" Well than don't judge us!"
Jenna:" Fine, if you can change my opinion by the end of the week, there might be a 'surprise' in it for you, you can start by inviting me to the graduation party at your house on Saturday night"
Zack:" Fuck Yeah, you can come! And watch I'll change your opinion before the end of the week"
Later, Zack, Robert, and Joe are at Dog Years again.
Robert:" Dude, you can't bone a Junior Chick"
Zack:" Excuse me, Dick Snot? I can bone whoever the fuck I wan't"
Robert:" hey Joe any luck on the virginity thing yet?"
Joe:" No, but I have an idea"
Zack:" What's your idea?"
Joe:" I'm gonna go to the library and rent 'The Bible' you know The Book of Love"
Zack:" Holy Shit! That book is legendary, my dad had a friend named Kevin that checked it out back in 1999, I heard it actually works"
Joe:" That's why I'm gonna get it tommorow, I think it could help me and Robert out"
Robert:" Why would I need that shit, I've already had sex?"
Joe:" The chick was drunk, and the next day she told everybody at school how bad you were"
Zack:" Yeah, he's got a point"
Robert:" Fine, we'll meet here tommorow after school, of course after Stifler gets out of the Graduation thing, and go over it"
Zack:" Sounds like you ball lickers got a plan"
The Next day, Joe is in the Library, he finds the book.
Joe:" Yes!"
He flips through it, seeing pages like "The Tounge Tornado" and "The G-Spot". He slips it into his backpack and walks off.
After School, Zack and Jenna are on break from working.
Zack:" Then the Christmas Tree set on fire"
Jenna:" No way, that really happened?"
Zack:" Yep"
Jenna:" You have such an interesting life, my life is boring, do you have any other stories?"
Zack:" Well you see this one time, I was having family over for a family reunion, and I wasn't expecting anyone to show up early, but my Aunt Elyse and Uncle Matt did, at the time I was jackin off, don't laugh yet, my Aunt walked into my room to say hello, and I jizzed in her face, she fell down the stairs, and was put in the hospital"
Jenna busts out laughing.
Jenna:" You're kidding right?"
Zack:" No, I swear I'm not fuckin lying"
Jenna:" Wow, these stories are crazy"
Zack:" You're the only person other than my friends, I wasn't embarrassed to tell"
Jenna:" I'm glad you did"
They look at eachother and smile, they then begin to make out, it begins to get a little too far, Jenna stops.
Zack:" What's wrong?"
Jenna:" We should get back to work, and plus, it's not the end of the week yet"
Later at Dog Years.
Zack:" She's still waiting until the end of the fuckin week"
Robert:" That sucks"
Joe:" Alright guys here it is, I present 'The Bible' this thing is awesome, I was looking over it earlier"
Robert:" Oh shit, this thing is legendary!"
Zack:" hey numb nuts, this is the reconstructed Bible"
Joe:" What are you talking about?"
Zack:" I heard that there used to be another Bible, then it was Fuckin ruined in a school fire, and 3 friends got together and reconstructed it by calling everybody on the checkout card"
Robert:" When did this happen?"
Zack:" In 2009, I know the creator, Noah Levenstien, he's fuckin awesome, the Stiflers go to him for advise al the time, you fuckers should try it"
Joe:" Alright, I'll go talk to him tommorow after school, do you want to come Robert?"
Robert:" No, I got to stay late after school to retake a quiz, but you go ahead"
Joe:" Alright"
The Next Day, Joe rings the Doorbell at the Levenstiens house, Noah Levenstein answers.
Joe:" Are you Noah Levenstien?"
Noah:" Yes I am, and you are?"
Joe:" I'm Joe, a friend of Zack Stifler, you are the writer of the Book of Love arn't you?"
Noah:" Yep that's me, how can I help you uh...Joe, did you say it was?"
Joe:" Yes sir, well um...I'm a senior and I'm still a virgin, I need advice"
Noah:" okay, sure uh...come on in"
Meanwhile at the school.
Zack:" So after a couple days do you think any different about Stiflers?"
Jenna:" Maybe"
Zack:" Maybe?"
Jenna:" I'll be right back I'm gonna go to the bathroom, you just keep working"
Zack continues to working, standing on a latter, Jenna is walking away he stares at her butt leans to the side, then falls off the latter, the latter falls too, a piece of the latter breaks.
Zack:" Fuck"
Zack lifts up the latter, its unstable, he picks up the piece that broke off, he takes some glue. He tries to squeeze it out of the tube, but it won't come out, he hits the tube, the glue gets on his jeans.
Zack:" Shit!"
Zack tries to wipe it off with his hands, it just gets all over his hands, he pulls off his pants, the glue is still all over his hands he wipes it on the front of his boxers, which makes it look like he blew his load, the glue is still on his hands.
Jenna walks in and sees Zack, it looks as if he jizzed his pants, and that lubricant is on his hands.
Jenna:" Zack?"
Zack:" I swear its not what it looks like"
Back at the Levenstein.
Noah:" Well uh...sex is a very natural thing, primarily used to create life, and uh...also used for a humans pleasure"
Joe:" I know what sex is for I just need tips on how to get it"
Noah:" Oh okay, well uh...I'd say there is several tips in this book here(Refering to 'The Bible')"
Joe:" Yeah but I thought I might get tips from the original author himself"
Noah:" All I can tell you is to be yourself and act natural, just ask a girl out, flatter her a bit and sooner or later it'll happen"
Joe:" Okay, Thanks "
Noah:" Anytime"
They shake hands, and Joe leaves.
Later, we see Zack and Joe at Dog Years, Zack takes a bite out of his hot dog.
Zack:" Fuckin Right, Doggie! That's some good shit!"
Joe:" Stifler, I didn't know you liked weiner in your mouth?"
Zack:" Eat Shit, FuckFace!"
Joe laughs.
Zack:" Where's Robert?"
Joe:" I don't know he said he had to retake a test, but it's way too late for him to be at school still"
Meanwhile, we see Robert with a girl, he's about to get laid. She begins to give him a blow job.
Robert:" Oh, Hell Yeah, thats awesome!"
All of the sudden she bites.
Robert:" OW! WHAT THE FUCK?"
Girl:" Sorry its my fetish"
Robert:" Hell no, I'm out of here, Ow!"
He pulls his pants up and walks out.
Girl:" Wait...*sigh* not again"
Later, Robert shows up and explains everything to Zack and Joe.
Zack:" So the chick bit your cock? What the Fuck?"
Robert:" Thats what I said"
Joe:" Does it hurt?"
Robert(Sarcastic):" Naw, it fuckin tickles, of course it fuckin hurts!"
Zack:" Well, at least I'm doing fine"
Robert:" Are you gonna fuck her?"
Zack:" Hell yeah, I got to kiss her, tounge action and all, it was fuckin awesome, I'm telling you come the end of the week I'm gonna fuck her"
Joe:" I'm gonna ask Brianna out tommorow"
Robert:" you finally got confidence?"
Joe:" Yep"
Zack:" It's about Fuckin time, I thought you'd be one of those guys who stays a virgin until their 40"
Joe:" Hell no!"
Zack:" The week's almost over, and to quote my dad, 'relax, take it slow, and let the good times role' alright Fuckers?"
Robert:" Hell Yeah!"
The Next day, Joe is in class, everybody is socializing before class has started, Joe sees Brianna, he approaches her.
Joe:" Uh...Hey Brianna"
Brianna:" Oh, Hi Joe! Whats up?"
Joe:" I was wondering...I mean if your not already going with someone uh...me and you could go to Stifler's party on saturday uh...together?"
Brianna:" Sure"
Joe(Smiling):" Alright!"
Later, at Zack's House, Zack and Robert are hanging out.
Robert's phone rings, he answers, it's Joe.
Joe:" Hey Robert, Brianna said yes, she's gonna be my date for Stifler's party, on saturday"
Robert:" Awesome, hey I'm at Stiflers right now want to come over and hang out"
Joe:" No, I got to get some chores done, but I'll see you in class tommorow"
Robert:" Alright, Peace!"
Zack:" What did that Fucker want?"
Robert:" Brianna said yes"
Zack:" Nice, this graduation is gonna Fuckin rule!"
The Next day, after school, Zack and Jenna look at the finished masterpiece.
Zack:" Holy Fuckin Shit! We did it!"
Jenna:" Yay!"
They start to kiss, Zack starts to pull her shirt up.
Jenna:" Whoa! Keep it in your pants Stiffy, wait until tommorow"
The Next day, the graduation is happening, A man is calling names.
Man:" Greg Spangler...Preston Stansworth...Johnathon Stein...Zachary Stifler"
Zack gets up, dressed in his graduation uniform, he walks up to the stage, and grabs his diploma.
Zack:" Hey Fuckers! Stiffy Graduated! WOO HOO!"
He holds the rolled up diploma against his crotch, acting as if it is his penis.
In the Crowd Cadence claps, she nudges Steve to clap, he looks annoyed and claps.
Zack:" And Guess what, I'm not wearing any pants under this thing!"
He moons the crowd, the crowd reacts in disgust.
Zack:" I love you East Great Falls!"
He then leaves the stage.
Later, Cadence and Steve meet up with Zack after graduation.
Cadence:" I'm very proud of you"
Zack:" Thanks Mom! Do you have anything to say, Dad?"
Steve:" You graduated, Big Fuckin woop!"
Cadence elbows him.
Steve:" I mean Good Fuckin Job!
Zack:" Thanks Dad! I know I may not show it alot, but I love you"
Steve:" What the Fuck? Bipolar bastard!"
Robert(Sarcastic):" Aw! isn't that sweet?"
Zack:" Hey Cock Fucker! You tell anybody I went all mushy, I'll kick your ass!"
Robert:" Alright, alright! Lighten up man, I'm just fuckin around"
Joe walks up.
Joe:" We finally graduated, now lets go get laid, am I right?"
Zack:" Hell Fuckin Yeah, your right, lets do this shit, I got to go get my place ready for the party"
Later, at Zack's party, inside people are drinking, dancing, and talking, outside in the backyard, people are doing the same,
in the hot tub, two naked girls are making out, and guys are watching, taking pictures, and filming it.
Back inside, Robert is with a girl named Haley.
Robert:" So, I heard your good in bed"
Haley:" That's what everybody tells me"
Robert:" Could I experience what everbody says"
Haley:" Sure, I was starting to get horny anyway"
They run up stairs.
We see Joe with Brianna.
Joe:" Brianna, listen, I've had a huge crush on you for the longest time, and I know this might sound weird, but I'm a virgin,
and I heard you were too, so I was wondering, since we don't want to be the only ones here to be virgins, we should get it over with, what do you say?"
Brianna:" You know it's funny because I've had a crush on you for a long time too"
Joe:" Really?"
Brianna:" Yeah"
Joe:" Wow, I had no Idea! So should we go do it, or is that a bad idea?"
Brianna:" Okay, lets go do it"
Joe:" Are you sure?"
Brianna:" Yep"
Joe:" Aright!"
They go toward the stairs Joe looks at Zack and gives him a thumbs up.
Zack:" Yeah! Go get her Fucker!"
Joe runs up stairs after Brianna.
Zack walks around greeting everyone.
Wilson Kelford walks up to Zack.
Wilson:" Hey Zack, Nice Party!"
Zack:" Eat a Dick, Kelford!"
Zack walks off.
Zack:" Hey Brittany! Looking Sexy!"
He Grabs her ass and walks away.
Brittany:" Dick!"
Zack:" Sophiya, flash em for me Baby!"
Sophiya pulls up her shirt.
Zack:" Aw! Fuck Yeah!"
The doorbell rings, Zack answers, it's the nerdy kid Preston Stansworth.
Preston:" I'm here for the party"
Zack:" Fuck Off, Dick Snot!"
He closes the door. He then sees a black guy named Lavon, with his hair spiked and leaning to the side.
Zack:" Hey Lavon! What the Fuck did you do to your hair?"
The doorbell rings again, Zack opens it thinking its Preston again.
Zack:" I said Fuck Off..."
Its Jenna.
Zack:" Oh Jenna it's you, Hey!"
Jenna:" Can I join the party?"
Zack:" Hell yeah! Come on in!"
Jenna walks in.
Zack:" You want a beer?"
Jenna:" No I want you"
Zack:" What?"
Jenna:" I changed my mind about Stiflers, and I want you"
Zack:" Alright! Come on I'll take you to my room"
They arrive at his room, Jenna strips down.
Zack:" Holy Shit, Bite my cock and call me Oscar Meiyer"
Jenna:" Are you ready?"
Zack:" Oh Fuck Yeah!"
Jenna:" Well come on then, Stiffmeister!"
Zack:" Woo Hoo!"
Meanwhile, Robert is making out with Haley, she is topless.
Haley:" Do want a blow job?"
Robert:" Hell yeah!"
Haley goes down to give him one.
Haley:" Are these teeth marks?"
Robert:" Don't ask"
Later, we see Zack in bed with Jenna, Joe in bed with Brianna, and Robert in bed with Haley.
The next day, all three of them are at Dog Days.
Zack:" Alright, Cock Suckers, we graduated, next stop, college"
Robert:" Yeah, I can't wait for college parties"
Joe:" Well, we're all officially men now"
Zack:" Yo Fucks! A toast to graduating!"
They put there cups together.
All 3:" To Graduating!"
They take a drink.
Credits Roll with American Pie Theme.