The Serpent Cycle
-Part One-
"Severus"
This book is the property of The Half-Blood Prince
-Potions Class. Wednesday. Raining.
Stop looking at her - stop looking at her - stop looking at her. I swear if that prat Potter turns around, and looks at her again I will burn through this desk with my bare hands. Turn around, look back at the black board, and stop looking at her. Turn around, and perhaps you will actually learn something for once instead of just acting like you know it all. Stop looking at her.
God I want to scream. Every fiber of my being wants to scream. Stop looking at her! I would scream it. I would were it not for the consequences of punishment. And even Potter knows about consequences. Hero. Some hero. A coward, more like it. A coward who gets cold feet at the last minute, rather then deal with the consequences. I know what consequences await me – far worse then what would have awaited the false hero, were I to scream my heart out now. I'll just write. I'll just write and let this quill burn paper rather then my fists this desk. It is a poor substitute. This outlet and does nothing to vent the full extent my rage. But it is all I have.
I cannot scream - I haven't got it in me. I haven't the courage to face the consequences of release. So then I am the coward, I am the failure and I hate myself for it.
No. I swear I will get back at him – at all of them some how. One day, I will be fearless like they are, and I will have my revenge. I cannot begin to imagine how, but I will become fearless, I swear it… For now, I can only write about it. I can only write how much I hate them. I will find the courage and the strength to scream. I will – I have to.
Stop. Looking. At her.
-Monday - History of Magic Class. Cloudy.
He's looking at her again. I thought he'd tire of her as he does all the others. He had stopped for a whole week and I was at peace. But now here I am in a fury writing once again for release. God, stop looking at her! What are you thinking?
What the fuck are you thinking? Just to look at you Potter I can see your intentions. They need no magical means to be discerned.
-Oh God, Please tell me Tristan Skylark and Tisiphone Torchwood did not see me sneer just now. Please tell me no one to my right saw that. No one on my left seems to have seen… I must be more careful.
Turn around Potter. Why does no one stop him? He gets away with murder – all three of them do. What if I were to blatantly cease to pay attention? Detention, loss of house points and of course an afternoon of endless ridicule. I rolled my eyes in Charms a month ago. A month it's been, and still they tell me to get glasses.
What does that even mean? Don't they realize how that joke doesn't even make any sense? I hate this place. I hate these people – shut up. I rolled my eyes. Thirty points I lost Slytherin. I got detention. Potter turns his back on class - outright mocks professors and he fucking gains points. The injustice is staggering. Everyone loves Potter because he can catch a Snitch. He's good a Quidditch and so he is permitted to do whatever he pleases. It's the same bullshit every time. He turns around, causes trouble in class and is rewarded!
And now he turns to her. He turns to her – then turns to them whispers then they laugh! Fuck you Potter, how dare you! You think I can't see it! Keep your disgusting, perverted - thoughts off her. Do not disgrace her in your mind and don't dare disgrace her with your foul mouth to your fouler friends. Lupin. Black. Pettigrew. Mock her with your laughter you pigs – how dare you! I want to smash their faces into the stone walls of the corridor. Turn around all of you.
Don't see me. Don't see me seething with fury. Please tell me no one can see me. Oh how I want to smash all their heads in - I want to but God knows I don't have the physical strength or the will in my heart to actually carry out such an act. So helpless I am. I lack the fearlessness to fight back. I can only write and wish them silent. All the hexes and all the curses I know, but in the end, I am so utterly powerless. I hate it.
Three of them, three and a half... Those three have the entire school and the entire world on their side. I am only me. I am nothing in this… Lily help me. Please, please don't look back at him. You are all I have.
- Wednesday - Defense against the Dark Arts. Cold Sun.
Potter called me a fag. He outright called me a fag in the Great Hall while I was passing him and the rest of the Gryffindor dunderheads at their table. He would, it's such a typical brutish thing to do. Guys like him are always throwing around that term with out fully understanding the meaning of it - or what they're really doing. It's just wrong in so many ways...
As much as I hate what he's done, as much as I dread the rest of the school joining him in referring to me as such – what I hate most is how he will get away with it! The entire school – the Prefects, the teachers and even Dumbledore himself will all turn a blind eye to his cruelty. It's just like the Shrieking Shack. They do something wrong – to me, don't get in trouble and then I am forced to keep quiet! Its as if I am being punished – I am – they force me to help cover up their treachery.
It's so unfair. He's done so much for Lupin. The Whomping Willow, the Shrieking Shack, all the secrecy, the unlimited freedom permitted to them to keep quiet the conspiracy… What about me? What about everyone else? Yes, Dumbledore helped save a sick boy from a horrible life, but what about me? What about everyone else? That boy - along with his aggressive friends, has used his second chance at life to torment others and cause them harm. They verbally and physically attack us, especially me – and Dumbledore turns a blind eye. Tell them to stop! Please!
I'm not asking for much. I'm not asking for free reign, a tree or a house to ravage – just tell them to stop. Is this all really because I wear green and they red? Am I so evil because I read a few Dark Arts books that my mother gave me when I was young? Those books were all I had – my only friends for years. So what if I know hexes, I haven't cast most of them. Am I still evil? All Slytherins are presumed evil, so Dumbledore must think me evil. That is how it works. My forbidden knowledge makes me evil, and the cruelty of Gryfindors is seen as innocent.
I hate it! No one ever stops them. No one ever stops people like them from being horrid! It didn't used to be like this – not when Lucius Malfoy attended school. He was always looking out for us. I knew he was an honorable man back then. I knew we all owed him a great deal of gratitude for our good fortune - but I had no idea just how good we all had it until he left!
No one dared cross a Slytherin when he was in charge. How I miss those days now. When we lost him and Rodolphus, things took such a dramatic turn. Everything is different now. We have Avery as the next best thing, but he is still too young to wield the power once held by Lucius. Now the rest of the school is free to do and say whatever they want against the Slytherins. Its awful what they say about us. I hate how often the rest of the school must have a go at me. Of course I understand, much of the hatred directed towards me is personal, and not a result of my house but… God I thought all this was bad in early years when Lucius was here, but that was nothing. Thanks to Potter, now the rest of the school is relentless. And they let him get away with it!
I hate it! No. No - these people don't matter. They don't matter. I just have to keep telling myself that. The O.W.L.s are all that matter. The O.W.L.s then N.E.W.T.s - and then I can leave this place. Then I will be free - left alone to read and write books… There, almost over. Once I have studied and performed really well on the O.W.L.s, everything will be all right.
-Slytherin Common Room. Night. Cloudless Sky.
I would write in fury, but for once in a long time I just don't have it in me. I am at peace finally. I am beyond prepared for tomorrow's exams, but - Lily.
We studied together. The entire day - just she and I alone... And now, I am not worried about anything. Even if the questions tomorrow are too difficult and I fail, it doesn't matter. Today was the perfect day, because I was with her.
She has been so busy herself lately. I've scarcely seen her. I've been so afraid that we've been growing apart, but today we sat in the grass under a tree and we studied. Just one book between us. It was just words on paper and yet it was so intimate. Waiting for the other person to finish the page, speeding up or slowing down to match each other. It was like we were breathing together. We were. Just the mere memory of it brings tears to my eyes as I write.
I love her so much. I can still smell her scent on my shirt. She was so close to me all day. I can still feel her hair on my shoulder - it was as if the sun itself was upon me - it was. But the sun was there it kissed us both. Finally this relentless winter gave way to spring and we were warm. But I know it was her. It was all her.
The sound of her voice is the most comforting sound I know. The moment I hear the warmth of her voice as she speaks - every cell in my body becomes still and at peace. I don't even need to see her, just to hear her and know she is with me in the room… that is the only time I ever feel safe and home. She is the only home I have ever known.
And Potter! All four of those idiots! To make things that much better - they didn't study at all! I heard them talking and laughing about how little they knew! They think they might fail! Oh please let them fail! Please let them be expelled - then it will be Lily and me alone and safe forever! Oh God let it happen…
-Death
Kill me. Kill me. Please let me die. What have I done? Why why why why why.
I hate myself, I wish I were dead. I don't even know - why did I do it? Why did I do it? It was halfway out of my mouth when I even realized what I was saying - and even then I knew it was too late! She will not forgive me. I begged her, and I will l beg her again - for the rest of my life I will beg her forgiveness, but she will never give me forgiveness. I do not deserve it.
I called her a Mudblood. Angel. She is God in my eyes – her eyes and I called her – the worst name possible. Why! Why why? I hate myself. Potter – that fucking bastard, those mother fucking bastards if they hadn't done it… I could kill them! I should have! Why did I freeze? Why did I unleash my fury – on her! What's wrong with me!
I want to cut myself. I want to cut myself open and bleed to death on this floor. I've ruined everything. Dear God, have ruined everything. This is really happening. This is real. No – why!
My worst fear and its happening. Oh God. Lily. -I've lost the only reason I have – Its real, its real. I lost everything. What will I do, what will I do?
What can I do? I can't write any more - I'm going to go lie in my bed. I won't sleep. I will never be at rest or sleep again. I'm nothing. I don't even know. This isn't real…I feel too sick, too dead to... I don't know what I am going to do... Just, lie in my bed and pray for an end.
I honestly hope to God I don't wake up tomorrow.
-Tuesday
I got up.
I got up. I don't know why I did, but I did. I lay there in my bed, and I saw no reason to move, let alone get up. I lay there for so long because nothing mattered. But then I thought of them. I thought of how much I fucking hate them. I didn't want them to think I was a coward. And that was the only reason I got up. I didn't want anyone to see me as afraid. I didn't want to let them think they'd beaten me.
So I got up, and I just went through the day. I just walked, not truly alive. I walked about completely empty, not thinking or feeling. I still can't believe this is real. But it is real.
In my darkest fears I never thought I would lose her - but I have lost the only thing I ever had. I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything at all, and yet I know when it hits me…
Thank God, this term is almost over, I can't imagine being here much longer. But then what of the alternative? Do I want that? DO I honestly want to go home? What's worse, this place or that place? And those two...
And - what will I do with my days? What about her? I am afraid. She - her house so close. What if I see her? What will I do if I see her? What will I do if I do not see her? I will see her - for I will certainly run into each other, but what now will I do? And what happens now to everything we had planned? What about everything we used to do over the summer holidays – what about that?
My hands are shaking. I can't write anymore, I can't do anything anymore. What will I do, what…