The Center of Everything
Footfalls echo in the memory, down the passage which we did not take, towards the door we never opened into the rose-garden.
-T. S. Eliot
---
Satoshi is in high school when Takashi starts to go on weekly out of town trips alone. He doesn't ask why he feels the need to (he doubts he ever will), because his brother has always been a private person, no matter how close they are.
Only a few weeks after he starts senior year, his brother takes him to these short trips to the middle of nowhere. Again, he doesn't ask. The trips stop when Takashi's paperwork starts to pile up and Satoshi's own desk barely has enough space left to be filled. They don't have all the time in the world, after all.
Come summer vacation, he's a bit surprised when Takashi knocks on his door at four in the morning, dressed in outdoor clothes.
He sighs and says to Chika on the phone (with a tone that he labels as "fond exasperation", and what Takashi would privately like to call as "annoyance"), "I have to go. My brother wants me to go with him to god-knows-where."
He puts the phone down before Chika could make some sarcastic comment about brother-worshipping and takes longer than necessary to dress, and his brother narrows his eyes at him half-heartedly.
"Who drags people around at four in the morning with no warning whatsoever?" Satoshi asks in what could only have been described as a pleasant manner --- as pleasant as one could get at four AM.
Satoshi always follows anyway, because that is what he has always done before he met the Haninozukas. Follow his brother's footsteps, like a steady shadow.
"Who stays up until four in the morning just to talk to his boyfriend?" Takashi retorts dryly, and dodges the punch aimed at his arm, because every Morinozuka packs a punch, wide awake or not.
"He is not my boyfriend."
"Keep telling yourself that," Takashi mutters as he leads his brother to his car.
Satoshi thinks that Takashi is unusually talkative today. He's probably stressed out.
He slides into the front seat and automatically checks the backseat for any dead bodies.
There's none.
There is, however, something else.
"Oh please," Satoshi rolls his eyes, "not fishing again."
Takashi smiles one of his small smiles and drives.
---
They arrive in their favorite private fishing spot in Nango. It's cold in the morning, even if it is summer, and they find a place to relax, where they know the fish would never bite. They never really fish --- they just talk and watch the clouds move at a slow, leisurely pace. Sometimes, Satoshi falls asleep, but Takashi stays awake, as if looking for something in the waters that could possibly change his life.
Satoshi doesn't know why. He doesn't know a lot of things about his brother.
So when his own eyelids start to droop, the one thing he knows without having to look is that his brother is staring at the other side of their own world, an immobile figure suspended in time.
---
When he wakes up, his brother is still staring, and he puts a hand on Takashi's shoulder to let him know that yes, I'm still alive, and, no, I did not get one of my limbs bitten off by a bear.
Takashi is a very alert person --- when he wants to be, that is. But the air in this place is different, and even Takashi has to have his weaknesses. Nature is one of them.
"Taking a trip to la-la-land?" Satoshi offers weakly.
Takashi gives him a funny look. "Actually, it was memory lane."
Satoshi settles down beside him, fishing rod in hand. "Do tell."
---
There is his mother. There is his mother in the doorway. There is his mother in the doorway and she is angry as hell so he should run if he wants to stay alive for a few more years.
There is his brother. There is his brother in the middle of the room. There is his brother in the middle of the room and he is on his knees, ready to cry any moment now, so Takashi should run if he wants to stay innocent for a few more days.
His
mother takes a step forward, and when she speaks, her voice is hot
and cool and sickeningly sweet like poisoned honey, "Who?"
Satoshi kicks the stray crayon (Red for danger, red for anger, red, red, RED) near him and it rolls to the other side of the room, near Takashi, carrying a myriad of lies and explanations and everything that is blurred in between.
Takashi looks at his brother's quivering lower lip, then at his mother, and, finally, at the stick drawings on the wall.
He contemplates honor and responsibility; he is the older child, and he is expected to be honest and upright. But he is more afraid of his mother, so he damns honor and responsibility to hell, just like all children who fear for their life.
He points at Satoshi. "It was him."
Satoshi's eyes flash red, and his mother smiles at him, pleased,
Satoshi forgets about it one day after and trails after his brother like a guilt-inducing, overly-happy, waif-like ghost, and Takashi promises himself that he will never lie again.
---
It takes Satoshi fifteen seconds before he can speak.
Satoshi stops himself from saying something profane that would question their legitimacy as their father's sons. "You ----" and, because his brain isn't functioning properly, he laughs, "I don't believe it."
Takashi's eyes shift to a different direction.
Satoshi puts his palms on his legs and bares his teeth, saying the one thing he never imagined he would say to his brother, "You set me up."
"I apologize," Takashi winces, and he adds, under his breath, "that wasn't the last time though."
Satoshi hears it, and threatens to push his brother into the water if he doesn't explain himself.
Because Takashi really does not want to get wet, he does.
---
They've played this game before, and it's the closest they've come to gambling. And, Takashi thinks to himself, cheating
Satoshi's cheeks puff out --- a nervous habit they'd have to remove, and Takashi knows that he's going to win. He has back-up cards to make sure he does.
"Got any fours?"
Takashi solemnly rearranges his cards. "Go fish." His poker face is improving, too.
The bright red color of the pair of fours in his hand shine even in the absence of light, and, as he watches Satoshi's expression deflate like a balloon that isn't tied securely, he tells himself that older brothers always have to look superior, because Satoshi might get too arrogant.
It's all about child raising, after all.
---
Satoshi blanches. "You've been cheating me at cards too? For a stupid reason like that?"
Takashi coughs and nods in assent.
Satoshi knows he should be pissed, but he isn't. He still thinks his brother is the ideal samurai, after all. "Okay, since you're in the mood to 'relive the memories', I'll do the same to embarrass you."
Takashi crosses his arms over his chest and says blankly, "Do your best."
---
Satoshi wanders into his brother's room by accident.
How unfortunate.
"It's not what it looks like." Takashi says to protect his dignity.
Satoshi raises his right hand up. You're in a frilly dress with ribbons having a tea party with the older Haninozuka and a group of cute stuffed toys, his mind says in a tone too calm to be his own, what else does it look like?
Instead, he says, "Can I just pretend this never happened?"
Takashi nods, dumbly, and pours tea into Mitsukuni's cup in a daze.
It takes Satoshi an hour to dispel the image from his head, and he makes a mental note to always knock before entering.
---
Takashi's lips press together in a thin line.
"That was low."
Satoshi covers his grin with a hand. "Not as low as you cheating on me."
Takashi doesn't answer, and Satoshi wonders if he's gone a bit too far. They used to have this God – worshipper relationship, and time changed that, but maybe Takashi needs more time before he hears mortifying stories from his little brother, of all people.
He stands up and wanders off to a group of boulders in the distance to give him space.
Even from far away, Takashi's monotone voice is loud and clear. "Be careful," he says, and he stands up to follow for once, "those are slippery."
Satoshi grins at him and scrambles up a boulder, a bit too clumsily for Takashi's comfort. "I'll be fine," he says, and he walks closer to the edge, "agile's my middle na---"
Trip. Fall.
Takashi's heart stops for a moment.
Splash.
---
He remembers the first time he lets Satoshi out of his sight.
They are in a house-warming party of a family friend, and they are the only children, he and Satoshi. The grown-ups take a tour of the house, and the first place the children go to is the swimming pool.
Satoshi peers into the water. It glimmers under the sun like a tempting jewel he should never touch.
He is four years old and he likes shiny things, especially ones he should never touch. His father tells him he is too unrestrained and superficial, unlike his brother who is seven and his hero
He really wants to be like him someday.
Takashi goes off to get them some drinks, and, when he returns, the sodas in his hands fall to the paved floor with a loud thunk
His knees buckle and his throat locks up and his heart starts racing faster, faster, faster as Satoshi's head bobs up and down the water, his too-small hands unable to cling to anything other than air or water, an abandoned, ripe apple that rolled into a swamp.
Satoshi can't scream because water keeps entering his mouth, and he shuts his eyes, afraid that if he doesn't, he'll see something else other than the too-bright sun.
Takashi stares at him, terrified, watching his body sink deeper, and he has to do something to keep himself from having nightmares in the future about funerals and swimming pools and little boys and brothers telling him through their wide, trusting eyes, this is all your fault.
This is already a nightmare he is living, and, because he always wakes up mid-way, he doesn't know if he has to be a coward or a brother.
He remembers red crayons and red symbols printed on spotless white cards. He remembers a boy he visits every night and promises to protect without fail.
And he will protect him, because he is his brother, his hero, his everything.
He dives in even if he doesn't know how to swim, and his hands never stop searching until he touches his brother's skin, bare and wet and a million times colder than normal. He holds him close, because he has to keep him safe, and this used to make everything better, right?
It's sink or swim, but at least he isn't alone anymore.
They are in their own world, in the center of everything, fighting to stay alive and holding on to each other like lifelines intertwined and blood mixed with blood.
It is hard to stay awake in this dream world.
He's not even sure if he's still alive.
He listens to his brother's labored breathing, and he presses his forehead to his, keeping him closer, and that is the only answer he gets before he blacks out.
---
There is that familiar terror that seeps through his bones, and he knows what action to take now.
He pulls Satoshi out of the water, thanking the gods that he knows how to swim now, and he holds Satoshi against his chest as they fall against the ground, breathing heavily.
Takashi's fingers flutter against Satoshi's hair.
It feels familiar.
Satoshi pulls away and spits out the water in his mouth, and Takashi's hands unconsciously rub his back soothingly.
"Are you okay?" He asks.
They stay in that position for a while, their chests rising up and down, and Satoshi looks at Takashi tiredly.
"I'm fine now," he replies, and he lets Takashi pull him up to stand.
"Come on," Takashi says, turning away from the sun, "let's go home now."
---
There are memories that continue to linger in Takashi's mind, and he knows that, even if Satoshi forgets, they exist and torture him all too well like a wound that never fully heals because he does not give it a chance to heal.
Takashi knows that Satoshi is growing up, and maybe he doesn't need his older brother as much as he used to, and it makes Takashi more resigned and less worried.
He will always be there to protect him, he tells himself. But if he ever has to choose between Satoshi and Mitsukuni (or if Satoshi has to choose between Takashi and Yasuchika), he's not sure if his choice will be the right one, because he loves them both enough to protect them even if they don't need his protection.
For now, though, he doesn't have to make that choice, and Satoshi is still alive. Takashi has to remind himself that Satoshi is a seventeen year old now, but, still, he likes to think of Satoshi as the vulnerable four year old who needs his brother to rescue him.
He keeps that image in a special place in his heart, under lock and key.
---
He wakes up in the morning and finds his brother curled against him in his bed, his small hands clutching Takashi's hand tightly. The sunlight spills into his room like an overturned can of bright yellow pain, and everything feels like a dream, even if it isn't.
He leans closer to press his ear against Satoshi's chest, hears the rhythmic chant-like beats, and whispers a soft, secret message to Satoshi's heart:
I'm glad.
---