Disclaimer: I'm not Yuu Watase or Jim Brickman.
Summary: Snapshots from Hotohori's time as a Suzaku no seishi. Reflections of a miko upon the one she loved. Set to Jim Brickman's By Heart (which, by the way, is so utterly perfect for Hotohori). Oneshot. Spoilers. AUish.
Author's Note: I've wanted to write something like this for a long time, but I could never get it right... and I didn't plan for it to come out like this!

Here's how it works, duckies: I torture my characters. I admit it. But with two notable exceptions (NL and LS), I ALWAYS give them a happy ending. So don't get discouraged by the darkness of it all. Also, I can't write angst. So it may sound pathetic.

By Heart

Miaka sat in horror, staring with blank eyes at the red-bound book, the Universe of the Four Gods. Her eyes scanned the words again and again and again, but she just couldn't bring herself to believe it... Hotohori... was dead?

A single tear slipped from her eye and onto the page. The letters there glowed red and the damp was absorbed into another universe. It would rain tears in Konan today.

Her mind, still unable to comprehend the truth, sent Miaka back to the beginning of her journey as Suzaku's miko... back to the time when Nuriko was alive and she had still seen him as an extremely spiteful and jealous woman.

Hold me close... Baby, please
Tell me anythin' but that you're gonna leave

"Miaka." Hotohori whispered to her. "Since the beginning of time and before, I have loved you... Past the end of the world, I will continue to do so." He was holding her gently, but also quite firmly, against him, clinging to her as a child to his mother, desperate to be near to her.

Looking back, Miaka wished with all her heart that she had reached out and returned the embrace. That had come later; but, oh, the wasted time.

Her mind jumped ahead to the time when Tamahome had betrayed them, under the influence of Nakago's drug.

As I kiss this fallen tear
I promise you I will be here

Until the stars fall from the sky...
Until I find the reason why
And, darling, as the years go by...

Miaka was limp against the emperor's own bed, her face turned sullenly away. She didn't want him to see the tears that were slowly making their way down her cheeks, tears that she cried silently with no will to stop or even put any emotions into them. Hotohori saw them anyway. Leaning over without a word, he gently brushed his lips across her salty cheek. He was warm and she was so cold - she wanted to turn and cling to him, let him embrace her as he had always been so eager to do. But she couldn't bring herself to move, let alone muster the energy to turn to him. He understood.

"I will wait for you," he said to her. "I will always wait for you. No matter what."

Until there's no tears left to cry
Until the angels close my eyes...

Miaka's eyes scanned over the words again and she managed to understand them. She trembled. Her lips moved gently, mouthing the words. She repeated them when that was finished, giving a tiny amount of voice to them: The young emperor, in the throes of death, looked to the heavens. He knew that, though she could not be with him, his miko wept; her tears pained him, his very heart throbbing. Though weak, he spoke. "Miaka, do not cry over me. I will let nothing separate us... not even death. I will find you again, no matter what it takes. My heart will guide me. My heart will guide me to you."

"My heart will guide me to you," Miaka breathed. Her tears redoubled.

And even if we're worlds apart...
I'll find my way back to you
By heart...

Sent into another fit of denial, Miaka's memories came to the fore again.

The ship was almost ready to leave for Hokkan. Miaka wished with all her might that Hotohori could come. She wanted him to be by her side and could not conjure up her typical cheerful face. "I'm afraid you'll fall in love with someone else while I'm away," she confessed, burying herself in his chest and relishing the feeling of his arms around her. He pressed his lips to her hair and swayed gently back and forth.

"Have you ever had reason to doubt my devotion?" he asked. "Have I ever, ever, so much as looked at another woman the way I look at you? Or even Nuriko?"

When you go, I stop the clock
I won't ever let this moment stop

"No," Miaka sighed. "But... wait for me, Hotohori. I'll come back to you when this thing is over... so wait for me. I want to be your empress."

"I would have no one else," Hotohori swore. "Go, love. The others will leave without you!" And reluctantly, the two parted. Even so, the melancholy that set in without each other was unbearable.

Time is stealin' you from me
But it can never take this memory

The next time she saw him, there was no time for joyful reunions. The armies of Kutou were approaching and it was time to prepare for battle.

Despite Hotohori's pleas, Miaka would not remain at the palace. She couldn't bear the thought of him going to the battle field without her... dying when she could not be there to comfort him... And yet, that was what had happened.

They had sat together long that night, speaking, mourning the deaths of Nuriko and Chiriko.

But most of all, they cherished the little time they could spend together before the day of the battle. And, they could feel, the day they would be forever separated.

Until the stars fall from the sky
Until I find the reason why
And, darling, as the years go by...

Desperate to assuage the pain slowly building in her heart, Miaka's mind tossed to her the soothing words that they had exchanged.

"Miaka... I will always love you. I will love you until the world ends - did not I say that to you once? Until the sky is eternally dark. Until people do not mourn. Until my last breath, Miaka, I shall love you."

Until there's no tears left to cry
Until the angels close my eyes...

"That day will be long in coming if I have anything to say about it," Miaka replied fiercly. She started on, only to choke on her tears. Her shoulders quaked with the drops that spilled down her cheeks. and she found herself encompassed by Hotohori's long sleeves. She wrapped her arms around his neck and burried her face in his shoulder. "Hotohori... tonight might be the last time we're together... ever! You might die tomorrow... or I might... and... I don't know how I could live - or not live - without you..."

And even if we're worlds apart...
I'll find my way back to you
By heart...

The recollection of that conversation made Miaka's chest shudder with sobs. She bent her head over the book, weeping openly, but the pages were not damaged. She grieved for the loss of life in Konan: So many had died. Tamahome. Nuriko. Chiriko. Mitsukake... Hoto... Hoto...

She couldn't do it. Miaka could feel her heart breaking. Desperately, she whispered the words he had spoken. Her eyes were clenched shut, but that did not stop the steady flow of tears. "I will find you again, no matter what it takes... my heart will guide me to you."

Until the stars fall from the sky
Until I find the reason why
And, darling, as the the years go by...
Until there's no tears left to cry
Until the angels close my eyes...

Weeks passed. Years. Miaka, though she went through the motions of life - eating, sleeping, going to school, sitting with her friends at lunch, completing her homework, studying - felt dead inside. Without Hotohori, she felt empty and devoid of hope. Without his warm, tender, unfailing love and unwavering presence in her life, there was nothing for her. Everything felt cold and apathetic. Or maybe the cold came from her.

And even if we're worlds apart...
I'll find my way back to you
By heart...

"I will let nothing separate us... not even death." The achingly familiar words, played over so often in her head and her heart, now played in her ears as well. The voice that spoke them was not her own, quiet, desperate, seeking his warmth within them but finding none. No, this voice was different. Deep, flowing, and full of Hotohori's love.

And just like that, Miaka felt the warmth flood back into her. She turned to find herself looking into his familiar eyes and tears spilled from hers anew. He brushed them away, needlessly. "Do not cry over me, my love." They were tears of joy.

And even if we're worlds apart...
I'll find my way back to you
By heart...

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