They knew Batman hated it when they dropped by unannounced, but if they were ever to solve this case, they would have to consult an expert.
They had looked at it from every possible angle, followed every lead, no matter how weak, and Superman had used up every reporting skill he had ever obtained. They needed help, and the world's greatest detective wasn't a bad person to start with. Unfortunately, they couldn't get a hold of Batman in any way. Not via , not via Oracle, and when Diana called the mansion, Alfred had just said that "Master Bruce was fully booked" and then hung up.
They knew Batman hated it when they just teleported in without warning, but they didn't expect him to react so harsh so quickly. They had barely rematerialized before they heard him scream: "Who gave them green light? WHO?"
When they regained full control of their senses and bodies after the teleportation (it usually took a second or two), Nightwing, or rather Dick Grayson, as he was in civilian, was already running up the stairs to stop them.
"I'm afraid you have got to go", he said with a crooked smile. "This is the very definition of a bad time!"
"What's the matter, Dick?" Superman asked concerned. But Dick just broadened his smile as he suppressed an uncontrollable urge to giggle.
"You could say so!"
He barely got to the end of his sentence before he lost control and began laughing. Superman and Wonder Woman looked baffled at each other.
"Thank you, Dick!" Bruce yelled from his chair in front of the computer, analyzing what seemed to be the same sample again and again. Each analysis ended by portraying a green banner with the word "Normal" on it.
He kept seated, bent over with the cape wrapped around him, as he usually did when they were out on missions. The cowl was pulled off though, resting flat on his back.
"Unless the world is coming to an end, and only I know the magic word that will make the terrors stop, you will have to leave empty handed… At once!"
"Bruce, won't you at least hear us out?" Wonder Woman started, as she pushed the now sniggering Dick Grayson to the side and started walking down the stairs.
"I have enough of my own problems to deal with right now" he growled with his eyes locked to the screen.
Wonder Woman calmly walked up next to him. It wasn't the first time she had heard him brush them off like that.
"Look, we are at a standstill with this case that involves both Grundy, a warrior trained on Themyscira, and quite possibly Lex Luthor. We need your help. And perhaps we can help you to." She paused a second to look at the screen. Green normal-banners popped up again and again. "It looks like you're caught in your own standstill."
He didn't answer and choose to completely ignore her. She therefore grabbed the back of his chair and turned it around, forcing him to face her.
"Are you even listening to what I'm-" but then she stopped and widened her eyes, as she got a glimpse of what he had been trying to hide with his bad posture and cape.
"This… really is a bad time, isn't it?" She asked again, as she turned around. Superman, who had been right behind her, saw it too and blushed faster than a speeding bullet.
"Um… Was somebody else here, before we came?"
"Get out!" Bruce growled again, as he turned his chair back to face the computer.
"Now listen," Dick started. He had stopped sniggering and followed the two heroes down the stairs. "They might be right, Bruce? We have been working on this for what? 6-7 hours? Face it: We need help too!"
At that moment Tim came out of a glass cubicle, holding what seemed to be a never ending line of printed papers. "Nothing here either. I cross checked with all Scarecrow's and Joker's known toxins, even took a look at the old files on Hugo Strange's hypnosis techniques, but nothing's even remotely similar." He looked up from his tests and stopped once he saw Wonder Woman and Superman. "Oh… So they are helping out, or…?"
Dick and Bruce simultaneously yelled "Yes" and "No", making Tim frown his brow and adding "yeah, that clears things right up…"
"Helping out?" Wonder Woman asked Dick, who eagerly explained:
"You see, Batman and Robin had a little run-in with Poison Ivy last night. And let's just say little-Bruce has been in a very fair mood ever since." He swallowed another chuckle before continuing. "So… We have all been trying to find out why he is stuck on play-mode."
"And nothing makes sense", Tim continued, although in a more serious manner. "We have tested his blood, saliva, skin, urine, semen – nothing! Physically, biologically, molecularly, there is nothing wrong with him. It just doesn't add up…"
"Let me get this straight", Superman tried. "Batman was affected by something from Poison Ivy, but you cannot find out what. Whatever it is, it is forcing his body to… It is not letting him…"
"He has had a hard-on for almost 9 hours and we cannot figure out why" Dick finished for him.
Superman blushed and looked down, while Wonder Woman widened her eyes in surprise. "9 hours?" She had to ask.
"Coming up on 9½", Bruce added, leaning back in his chair while rubbing his closed eyes. He looked exhausted – but that of course wasn't new.
"It was kind of embarrassing the first 4 or 5 hours…" Tim explained to the red faced super hero, while handing Bruce the papers. "Especially in the car on our way back."
"But it's still kind of funny" Dick felt a need to add. Tim continued as if uninterrupted:
"I was going to say: But this has actually become quite serious. There might already be permanent damage done, but if we don't do something soon…" They all went quiet while Batman went through the papers. He had had to open his pants and place his shirt on top of his tights in order to "fit" without too much discomfort. It was anything but subtle, but it allowed him to move.
When Superman had suppressed the initial awkwardness, not managing to get his blushing under control, he cautiously asked: "Did you try to… You know… Make it go away?"
"Jesus, Clark!" Bruce said while shaking his head. "If only I, the world's greatest detectives, had had a similar thought, I don't know – 9 hours ago. Then I might not be in this mess. Thank you so much for helping out." He then turned to his computer again, snarling out a "Jackass".
"Trust me", Dick clarified, "the guy can't even produce enough for a proper sample anymore."
"Thank you, Dick, no need for details." Wonder Woman said while biting her lip.
"Did she leave you with any clues?" Superman tried again, not knowing what to do with himself exactly. He wanted to help, but his Midwestern upbringing didn't prepare him for these sorts of situations.
"After he cuffed her", Tim started, "she gave him a kiss and said: 'That should teach you how to treat a lady."
"And, to be honest, had there been a Mrs. Batman, she would probably be well treated by know!" Dick exclaimed, followed by another snigger that Bruce killed with a single glare.
"Perhaps I should go – let the boys handle this one." Wonder Woman began, knowing it made things more uncomfortable for Bruce that she was in the room. And she did after all not have the same expertise in the area as the rest of the crowd.
"I could contact Atom for you? He could go through the samples himself. Literally!" She walked up to Bruce to say goodbye and wish him luck. Hers and Superman's case seemed to whither in importance compared to their friends standing problem.
She walked up behind him. Trying to comfort Bruce as he would only let her, she gently caressed his cheek with the back of her hand and said: "I'm sure you'll find a way. You always do."
But before she could walk back to the teleporters, Bruce turned around to grab her arm.
"Do that again" he said with a wild look in his eyes.
"Do what?" She asked frightened.
"Stroke my face again." He demanded.
She frowned for a moment, but when he let her go, she tenderly placed her hand on his cheek. He put his hand on hers, closed his eyes and took a deep breathe. When he exhaled, she could have sworn that he concealed a smile.
He opened his eyes again, letting her remove her hand, and looked over at the rest of his team.
"Dick, I'm afraid you were right."
"What?" Dick said surprised, having teased him to lighten the mood for the latest couple of hours.
"I think I know what Ivy meant. And I think I know what I have to do in order to regain control of my body."
He then turned around to face Wonder Woman, placing her two hands between his:
"And I think I have to ask you a very big favor, Diana…"