Disclaimer: I do not own Prince Of Tennis. For which we can all be eternally grateful.

I know that this is wrong. That he doesn't really care about me. That I'm nothing but a convenient body to satisfy his needs. I can't help but come to you with a mixture of love and lust. I just love you so much.

I think that every time we're together that it will be different. That this time we can do this in the open.

That you won't be ashamed to be seen will me. I've had my heart broken by you so many times and yet I keep coming back for more.

I know that you're seeing him and that as long as your together , there can never be a you and me.

My stomach twists every time I get your call. Telling me that you want to meet.

I know that you're leaving him and I wait guiltily at the pain and pleasure your visit brings.

When you leave my heart cracks because I know your going back to him.

I can't keep this up. It's breaking me inside.

All the lies are strangling me and I can barely keep my head above water.

I know that this is destroying me, but I can't seem to find the strength to end this.

I understand that this will not end well. That nothing good can come from this.

I know that you will be the death of me. I have come to terms with this long ago.

That the one thing I have long adored will never be mine. You will always belong to him.

That you have always belonged to him. This is something I have accepted.

I thought if I could ignore my feelings they would go away. That if I didn't acknowledge them they couldn't't hurt me.

So I kept them a secret. Thinking nothing would change if I stayed the same.

So imagine my surprise when you first called me that night. "Fuji, can I come over?" Atobe breathed into the phone.

The breathy whisper caused me to momentarily forget myself and shiver with the pleasure that arrogant voice invoked in me.

"Aren't you with Echizen?" I ask when I came back to myself. Surely he isn't asking what I think he is.

"Yeah, but he's busy and I want to play." He says. "So can I come over?" this time its more suggestive. Leaving no doubt in my mind what he wanted.

I'm silent where I try to gather the courage to stop myself from doing what I know I shouldn't't.

"Sure, you can come over." I answer. Feeling like I just failed myself. I know I'll never be able to face my teammate now, but I can't seem to stop myself.

I still remember that first time like it was yesterday. You came over for one thing. There were no sweet words or gentle caresses. It was all heat that burned brighter than fire. You took what you wanted and I let you.

Almost like it had to be this way, there could be no love between us, it was all lust. The guilt nearly chocked me and yet I had never felt so free.

Why did loving you have to be this way? When you came to me you smelled of him and I know when you left you smelled of me.

I hate that I'm doing this to him. I know that he realizes whats going on.

I can tell by the looks he gives me. His eyes smolder with anger, but he never confronts me.

I don't know why he puts up with you. Or why I do either. I begged you once to end this.

With him or with me. You just smirked at me and said " Is that really what you want?"

And of course it wasn't. I know if I give you a choice that you'll choose him over me.

Part of me was sickened that I could really sink this low. That I could really be so weak and continue this.

I was supposed to be known as the sadistic one. How you've hide this side of you under an arrogant mask this long, I'll never know.

Every time I try and move on something always pulls me back in. Your like a spider just toying with me. Caught in your web, I'll never be free. And this never fails to infuriate me.

I thought that we would go on forever this way. With me always needing you and you always using me.

I didn't think I would ever find the strength to end this charade.

And then you came to me and said that it was over with him.

I felt a momentary rush of such joy. We could finally be together. Then you smirked at me and it all came flooding back. All the times when I'vie felt so helplessly in love. So angry at you for what you do to me. For every thing you do to him to.

So mad at myself for wanting what I do. All the sleepless nights thinking about you with him.

I saw you standing there so confidant in your self. So secure in the fact that I would just fall all over you. I was suddenly flooded with shame that I had ever let you touch me.

There was no going back now. Now that I'd seen the truth. Suddenly I found the strength that I had along. I looked you in the eye and said" No, I don't want to be with you."

The words that I had been looking for I had all along. The shock I see on your face gives me grim satisfaction. I'm finally ending what I should never have started.

It was like a weight had been lifted that I didn't even know I had been carrying around.

I feel such happiness and I give my first real smile since this whole thing started. Yes, I'm heartbroken and still hurting on the inside. But those things don't matter. As I've finally stepped out of my own personal hell and into a bright world all my own.

A/N: I'm not sure what possessed me to write this but tell me what you think anyway.

EmoButterfly