Saegan Snow
ENGL 102- Baer
Fanfiction Rough Draft
9/20/17
Real Friends
Monday, March 26, 1984, Sherman, Illinois 60062
Dear Andrew,
At 7:00 am Saturday when I entered this building, I was ashamed and felt alone. I knew this would be my one and only time in detention. One, because my parents wouldn't have it and two; I am not going to give myself the opportunity to do it again. Saturday, when I saw everyone in the library, I thought to myself, "Shit, I should not be in the same room with these people, I don't belong here". As the day went on and we shared things with each other that no one else knew, not even our closest friends, I realized the three of you were the only friends I ever needed. We all needed each other. I realized when I was with you guys, we were all more similar than anyone would have thought. I felt like I belonged, finally.
When I left the library that day, I arrived home to my worst nightmare. Nothing hurt worse in my life than going from feeling a part of a group and others lives, to feeling utterly and completely worthless. My parents wouldn't get off my ass about my grades. I realized, after hearing you say that you would not talk to any one of us nerds in the hallway because it wouldn't be acceptable, that I truly have nobody! I have no one in my life that I can call a true friend. Not an athlete, a basket-case, a princess, or a criminal.
Well what's worse? Not being accepted by your friends or being the reason one of the nerdy kids in school killed himself?
Sincerely,
Brian
Everything went numb. My heart stopped. I couldn't breathe. What the hell did I just read? I skimmed over the letter one more time until I got to the last sentence. I read that sentence over and over and over, until I could repeat it in my head without looking at the paper. It was engraved into my mind.
"Hey, Drew. Whatcha got there?" asked Ralph as he reached for the letter.
I ripped it from his grasp, threw it in my locker and slammed it shut.
"Wouldn't you like to know!"
"Dang, dude. I was kidding. Chill." Ralph said as he continued on down the hallway.
I opened my locker back up and shoved the note in my bag. I found myself repeating that last sentence as I walked down the hallway to my first hour class. Killed. Him. Self. Killed. Him. Self. I repeated those words in my head to the rhythm of my steps. Is he still alive? Did he already commit suicide? I haven't heard anything about him. There were so many questions I had but no one who could answer them. I needed to tell someone about this, I couldn't keep it inside.
I noticed Claire walking towards me with a couple of her friends. They looked up to her as if she were a goddess. The rage grew inside me as I realized she was one of the reason why Brian killed himself, or would. Our eyes met and her smile faded. She must have known something was bugging me just by looking at me because she looked like she was worried. I saw her turn toward her two followers and they left. I knew I had to tell her but I couldn't do it here in the hallway where about 80% of the students were. I walked to her locker, where she was grabbing the required material for her classes. I leaned my shoulder against the locker next to hers.
"I know you're pissed I missed the party Saturday, but I didn't feel like dealing with my mom." She spouted out before I could say one word.
"Claire, I don't care about that. Listen, we have an issue."
"WE have an issue?" She asked as she raised her eyebrow, "WE don't have any issues, because WE aren't involved."
"Can you stop being a bitch for just one second so I can talk?" I asked frustrated. I looked at her searching for the words to say. I grabbed her hand and lead her outside to the courtyard where everyone ate lunch on nice days.
"Andrew, where are we going?" Claire managed to yelp as she struggled to keep up. I released her hand when we got to the vacant cluster of tables. I had no clue how to even start to tell her so I just slowly paced. She sat down on top of one of the tables and just watched me. She didn't say anything, just watched. Which I was thankful for because all I needed was silence to think this through. I sat down next to her on the table with my head held down. I couldn't avoid the subject anymore.
"Brian...he...um." I couldn't get the words out.
"Brian… what?"
"Brian Johnson from our Saturday detention…"
"Yeah. What about him?" She asked trying to lead me to explain.
I didn't have it in me to tell her that he might have killed himself so I just pulled out the note and handed it to her. Watching as her eyes skimmed the paper, I saw her hand go over her mouth and tears start to well up. She looked at me, now tears running down her cheeks.
"He has to be alive. Things like this would spread faster in this school than the rumors I make up. I haven't heard anything about him."
"That's what I'm wondering. He can't be at school, because what moron would leave someone a note like that and show up to school to get his ass beat? So, he is either hiding out at home or he actually did kill himself." This whole situation was bizarre. I thought the Saturday we all spent together ended up meaning something. We all had an understanding that we wouldn't talk to each other because the people we hung out with wouldn't allow it. Of course, with an exception to Claire, since we hang out with the same friends. I couldn't help but wonder what Allison and John's reaction would be to this if I showed them. Allison would be too drunk to comprehend and Bender would probably pretend to be sad and finish off by saying, "Well the poor little bastard had it coming." Thinking about them not caring about an innocent life threw me over the edge. I felt my heart pump faster and my face get hot.
"We need to tell the others." I said looking at Claire's blood shot eyes and smeared mascara.
"You're crazy. There is no way I'm going to talk to those two here at school. My reputation would be ruined."
"I don't want to talk to them here either but when else would we have the opportunity?" I studied our surroundings trying to come up with some way to talk to the others without anyone else having to witness it. I got stuck in a daze while staring at the one tree I always sit under by myself during lunch. I use that time to stare at Allison and wonder what it would be like to have a relationship with her. I think we could help each other get over our dilemmas that we struggle through every day. The late bell sounded over the outdoor intercom, breaking me from my daze.
"We're late for Chemistry!" Claire said frantically while jumping off the table. I grabbed my bag from the ground and the note from the table where she left it and sprinted after her. As we ran into Mr. Salmon's classroom we were put to a halt by all the eyes that were directed on us.
"Nice to see you Mr. Clark," Mr. Salmon said with a wide sarcastic grin. "Ms. Standish," he nodded in acknowledgment to Claire. "Please take your seats. Oh, and why don't you join me for detention tonight as well?" I couldn't help but drop me head when he said that. The last thing I needed right now was a detention. It's just another thing that is going to get in the way of my Scholarship. Not only that, but I am going to have to deal with my dad too. I was making my way to the back of the class to Claire's and my table when I happened to catch Allison looking at me from across the room. I hadn't even noticed she was in this class until today. I haven't noticed her my whole high school career, but since Saturday all I can see is her. She was even starting to dress more girly now and had her hair pulled off her face with a headband. Her dark eyes and sharp features were now open for everyone to see and I don't think she realized how flattering it looked on her. When I looked at her she just smiled and shook her head as she looked towards the front of the class room. Then I saw her eyes get wide and her mouth drop open and she slowly turned her head my direction again.
"Detention" Claire whispered trying to keep Mr. Salmons attention off of us.
"Don't bring it up, I'm already bitter."
"No, we need to get John and Allison detentions so we can talk to them after school. More than likely nobody is going to have a detention considering it's Monday and the trouble makers rarely show up."
"If the trouble makers don't show up on Mondays then how are we going to talk to Bender tonight, he's the ringleader of that worthless group." I said trying to be a smartass.
"Well you're the ringleader of the brainless athletes so I don't think you have much room to talk about who's worthless, and I saw him in the hall today."
"Oh, let me guess, Ms. Princess was gawking over Mr. Criminal?" I watched her sense of confidence diminish at my statement. I really shouldn't say anything since I was day dreaming about the basket-case earlier. She took a second, raised her head high and held her shoulders back and I could tell she had her facade back up.
"Anyway," She said gritting her teeth, letting me know she had had about enough. "Bender is most likely already going to be in detention tonight. I could see he was getting on Mrs. Ivy's nerves this morning in the hall. Now we just need to talk Allison into getting a detention."
"Nah, how about we get her one ourselves, makes it a little more fun." Before Claire could disagree, I grabbed her pencil and watched for Mr. Salmon to turn his back. When he faced the chalkboard to write, I tapped on the star baseball players shoulder that was sitting right in front of me. He slowly turned around.
"I will give you $20 if you throw this pencil at Mr. Salmon. Aim for his right shoulder."
"Alright." He said taking the pencil while shaking my hand, finalizing the deal. He held the pencil above his head and focused on his target, after about 5 seconds, he let the pencil fly. It hit the teacher in the exact spot that I asked him to hit. Mr. Salmon turned around so quick he almost lost his footing. He put his hands on his hips and skimmed the whole class.
"Alright, who threw it?" He asked walking down the middle aisle slowly, looking left to right trying to find the guilty suspect.
"It was Allison." I said confidently. Mr. Salmon moved his gaze from me directly to Allison. I watched as her eyes grew twice their size and her mouth dropped. She looked from me to Mr. Salmon trying to find the words to say.
"No, I…"
"Yes, she did. I saw her." interrupted Claire. Allison then glared at Claire and once again tried to deny it but was interrupted by Mr. Salmon assigning her a detention tonight as well.
"I don't understand why you kids get so rambunctious towards the end of the school year, it's ridiculous." He mumbled to himself as he made his way back to the front of the classroom. Claire and I looked at each other and smiled at our success. My smile faded and I looked away as I realized what all this meant, The Breakfast Club was getting back together, but we were missing one member.
Sitting in Algebra, my last class of the day, I watched as the clock ticked. Waiting for the bell to ring any minute. I already had my bag packed and strapped around my back. The last sentence of the note was, once again, running through my head. Killed himself. Killed himself. Killed himself.
The bell sounded. I jumped up as fast as I could, making my chair screech as it rubbed across the floor. I shouldered checked three people on the way out of the door trying to make it to the library as fast as possible. I dashed past Allison as she made her way to the same destination. I stopped. I thought I should probably talk to her. I didn't care what anybody thought, and everyone was headed in the opposite direction so it's not like anyone would see. I turned around to see her scowling at me. I couldn't help but smile in hopes it may lighten the mood. I let her make her way towards me hoping she may stop and notice that I wanted to talk. She avoided me and kept towards the library. I just shook it off and followed a ways behind her.
I entered the library and couldn't help but get teary eyed. I looked at the table that he sat at just the other day and smiled when I remember Bender sticking his weed in Brain's pants. I saw Claire sitting in her spot, in the front row, Allison sitting in her spot, all the way in the back. I didn't see Bender. I figured he would be here already since Mr. Vernon pretty much has him living in this room. I took my spot a couple seats away from Claire in the front row. I was about to say something to her before there was a huge crash that came from the hallway. I jumped up from my seat preparing to rush into the hall to find the issue, but Bender walked in before I could take another step. He stopped in his tracks when he saw us.
"No shit! It's Barbie and Ken and the nymphomaniac that sleeps with her shrinks" he said smiling and skipping over to Claire. "Hey Cherry, what do you say we get out of here?" I could tell she was trying to hide the fact the she was flattered.
"We went over this last time, we know you act like this just because you hate yourself." Claire said trying to justify his actions.
"Sit down and shut up, all of you," said Mr. Vernon as he emerged from the hallway. "Oh great" he rubbed his head and had a look of annoyance. "Listen, I am not going to go through this again with you guys. Thank god, it's only an hour. You can behave for an hour, right?"
"Yes, sir we can. Oh, sir, may we receive a sucker if we are well behaved?" said Bender in a mocking tone.
"We can behave" I said trying to get Mr. Vernon out of the room. He shook his head and walked out.
"Where is The Brains? Did Daddy take Big Bry fishing on this fine afternoon?"
"Hey, you shut the fuck up. I'm not afraid to put your ass on the floor again, Bender" I couldn't help but yell.
"We are all in here for a reason, well kind of. Andrew and I need to talk to you guys about something" Claire followed up trying to calm everyone down.
"Are you guys expecting? Oh, I'm so happy for you! Can I plan the baby shower?" Bender mocked in a feminine voice.
"Can you stop being a prick? I found a letter in my locker this morning from Brian."
"What does that have to do with us?" Allison asked snarky like. I slapped the note down on the table behind me so that Bender and Allison could read it. Bender stared at me for a couple of seconds as if I was insulting him by handing him the paper. Allison got up slowly from her spot and hesitantly walked closer to where the note was sitting.
"What's the matter? Can't read?" I asked Bender while he still stared at me. He leaned forward in his seat to see the note better. I watched for their reactions as their eyes moved slowly from left to right. Bender's face turned white as he slid the paper back towards me. Allison stared blankly between Claire and I.
"I haven't heard anything about this. Did he really kill himself?" Bender asked in the most concerned voice ever. It seemed as if this event had softened his dark heart in the slightest way.
"I don't know. I'm not going to talk to anyone here at school about it because they haven't told us anything and you know they would. I'm not going to go to his house either because that's just weird. What if he is just playing us?" I asked.
There are so many thoughts running through my head. He could be doing this just to get us to feel bad for not wanting to be friends in public. Or he actually could have done it, but why wouldn't we have heard anything about it? I faced back towards the door, elbows on my knees. I laid my head on the desk trying to think things through as the others bickered over their opinions. I raised my arms off my legs and happened to skim the bottom of the desk. I felt something drag across the sleeve of my shirt so I lifted my hands up to feel around. I felt what almost seemed to be a piece of paper taped to the desk. I sank out of my chair and underneath to see what was there. My stomach dropped when I read the words "To: Andrew" printed on the sheet of notebook paper. I slowly untapped it, trying not to rip it. I unfolded the paper and briefly saw the bottom of the page where it said "Sincerely, Brian." I dropped the paper and closed my eyes not ready for what I was about to read. I stayed under the table and nobody had noticed it yet. Why was this happening to me? I can't handle this. I have a wrestling career to think about, and keeping my grades up, but most of all keeping my dad off my ass. I let one tear slide down my face. That one tear held my frustration, my anger, and my fears. I have to get rid of all this stuff that is bottled up inside. As my confidence boosted, I grabbed the paper that was now lying on the ground.
Dear Andrew,
I know you're wondering how I knew you would find this, it's because I knew how you would react. I know that you have the whole gang there. I guess I shouldn't say gang because that would assume we were all friends.
I know you are wondering if I am alive or not, sorry to tell you, no I'm not. "Well then why haven't we heard any news?" you ask. It's because I left a note for my parents too, listing my wishes for the way I want my death to be approached. All the teachers should have been notified and a few of my friends. They have been sworn to secrecy so don't talk to them. I don't want the word about my death getting out.
Since you guys are all here, I would like to tell you what my wishes are from you all. Please get to know each other more and become the type of friends that can be seen in public. That's all I wanted. Not for you to completely disown your friends to be mine, but to at least say 'Hi' in the hallway and acknowledge that I am a keeper of some the most personal information about you, about all of you.
Become friends, for me. You won't regret it.
Sincerely,
Brian
Several more tears came with a few sobs.
"Andrew, what's wrong?" Claire asked while looking under the table. Rage boiled inside of me. I threw my hands up, and let my anger issues do its worst. I rested my hands on the bottom of the table and pushed up with as much force as I could, throwing the table behind me several feet.
"All Brian wanted was to be our friends. The type of friendship where you would at least smile at him, or you would call him a nerd, or you would steal something from him, all in front of people in our school. We pushed him to a point where he though he wasn't accepted. If you're not accepted at home or at school, then where are you accepted? NOWHERE!" He thought killing himself was the only way out." I tried to hold any more physical actions back because I didn't know where my anger would take me. Feeling so lost and guilty I threw the paper down on the floor and scampered off to one of the offices in the library where they couldn't see me cry all my feelings out. I could hear them yelling through the closed door. It only made me cry even more.
"You really think the type of people I hang out with would accept me playing tea party with Brian, or any of you for that matter? No fucking way. They would have my head faster than I can blink" Bender said.
"Yeah well the people I am friends with look up to me and the power I hold over other people. If they saw me hanging out with Brian then I would no longer be the popular girl in school, I would be average." I couldn't help but giggle at Claire's argument. How the hell could someone be so caught up in their self?
"If someone saw me hanging out with Brian they would think I'm trying to get in his pants" Allison argued.
"You put that on yourself" said Claire.
"You don't think that your need for the proper attention is the reason why you couldn't be friends with him?" Bender said trying to make Claire realize she is just as guilty as Allison. I couldn't take the arguing anymore. I was about the going mentally insane.
"Alright guys we are getting somewhere. Sharing your feelings is good" I said trying to be a smartass while making an effort to calm everyone down. "Did you read the note?" They all nodded their heads in response. I tried to read their faces. I could tell Claire had been crying, Bender looked aggravated, and Allison just looked blank, I couldn't read her.
"We need to talk about this stuff, it's what he wanted. We need to get to the point where we would be okay being seen with each other in the first place. I am to the point where I don't care anymore. Think about how we connected, how we shared so much. You guys are well to just walk away from the moments we all had together? Believe it or not, Bender, you piss me off, but I wouldn't mind being your friend."
"I'm flattered Andrew Clark," Bender interrupted, "but I do mind. I don't want to be seen with a guy who rolls around with other sweaty guys on a mat".
"You! You are what killed him. Get over yourself. We all know that the "friends" you hang out with wouldn't come after you, they would be relieved, because you scare them senseless. Stop treating people like they are dirt, you're the one who is dirt for putting everyone down all the time. If you would open your eyes and realized that the world won't hate you if you treat it nicely, you would get far in life." I watched him as he stared at me blankly. This is the first time that I have never heard John Bender come back with a sarcastic remark. He looked down in his lap and I saw a glimpse of water run from his face. He sniffled and Claire moved closer to him. He looked up at her, surprised she was showing some sort of affection towards him.
"Do I really scare them?" he asked before wiping his tears.
"I believe you do. I can tell in the way they look to you for approval of everything."
"Well they scare me. I don't want them to think I'm nothing."
"You don't have to be a hard ass to be something, John." Claire said, putting her hand on his shoulder.
"My dad always said, if you're weak you ain't shit. I figured showing everyone that they weren't as tough as me would make me something." He laid his head down on the table and said without lifting it up, "Brian's death hurts, I never knew that my actions could push someone to suicide."
"I didn't think that either" Allison said from the back corner of the tables. I studied her. Her features, her curves, everything, just like I always do. I thought she was even more beautiful now. I wanted to be the one to cure her. To help her through her battles. I could make her happy and she could make me happy.
"Allison, if it's alright with you I would like to take you out sometime." She looked at me startled and surprised followed by a small grin of approval. I moved my attention towards Claire and Bender. They were talking quietly and giggling. I couldn't help but smile.
"If it's alright with you, I would like to take you out sometime, too." Claire said to Bender while biting her lip.
His eye got wide as he replied, "Really? But what about your friends. I know they think that I'm trash."
"They only think your trash because you treat them like they are. We just gotta clean you up a little bit and give you a new style." She said pulling on the collar of his torn up jacket and looking him up and down. I didn't realize that I would be able to get through to all of them that there are more important things in life than the way people view you. We established here that imperfection is inevitable and as long as you are happy with what you surround yourself with, life is good.