AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hi everyone! Just wanted to add a few things in here before you started reading…this is Ace and Deuce's premiere of writing together, along with our first Gilmore fanfic! We are HUGE Sophie fans, and this idea was Deuce's…me…feeling the need to elaborate during/post Partings…so spoilers if you haven't seen it! The other chapter is written by my partner in crime, Ace. The song's are as follows:
Chapter One: "Shine On" by Jet
Chapter Two: "Ache" by James Carrington
So PLEASE ENJOY, READ, AND OF COURSE…REVIEW!
DISCLAIMER: Neither one of us own anything remotely related to Gilmore Girls…we just like to jump in the fictional sandbox and play a little…
This Weak Harness
Please don't cry
You know I'm leaving here tonight
Before I go I want you to know
That there will always be a light
Logan knew he shouldn't wake her. It would be a hell of a lot easier to walk out those doors without her looking up at him, those big blue eyes welled with tears. He knew she'd cry; hell, he was a wreck of emotions without her even awake.
But there'd be tears. A lot of tears. And it was gonna take a lot of willpower to walk away from those tears.
As of right now, he hated his father. He was an asshole, with some twisted frame of mind if he thought that Logan was going to London on his own freewill. Oh no. It didn't matter though; no matter how loud Logan yelled, how much he rebelled, or how many stories of scaffolding he jumped off of, he couldn't shake the name: Huntzberger.
Who knew one word could throw such a sucker punch? Nobody told him to read the fine print when he was born that said he would have to shoulder the "Huntzberger" enterprise; that he would have to trudge in the footsteps of the media mogul, that he would have to abandon his girlfriend for a year to go sit in an office in stuffy suits and ties in London.
Rory. He looked down at her sleeping form, curled in the fluffy white comforter, looking peaceful and serene. And he was going to ruin it with one shake, one nudge, one whisper. And he'd ask her not to cry, not to be sad, but that was an impossible task on her part, he was absolutely sure. There was no smirk that would fix this, no witty remark he could make to keep a smile on her face…this was it. He was going to leave, he was going to get on the plane, and she would be here. Alone. It sucked. It sucked, and he couldn't see anything good coming out of this.
Closing his eyes, Logan ran a hand tiredly over his face, through his blond locks. God, he loved her. He really loved her; head over heels, can't eat, can't sleep…the whole shebang. He could not believe he felt this way; Logan 'this generation's Hugh Hefner, and on top of that a commitment phobe' Huntzberger had fallen in love.
She had said it to him, and he'd been shellshocked, unable to actually respond to her. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to, didn't know if he really did love her. But he was fooling himself. Look, I've told a lot of girls that I love them before and I didn't mean it. So, I'm not going to do that to you.
Yeah, that hadn't been one of his smoothest moments, but he couldn't believe that lie had slipped so easily from his lips. He wanted to scream to her that he loved her, that he absolutely couldn't be without her, didn't want to be. Rory had become his…he didn't know exactly how to describe it, probably because he'd never felt like this with any other girl. He needed her, wanted her with him all the time, and when she wasn't there, all he ever did was think about her. He couldn't stay angry at her, didn't want to, because for him, that meant one more minute where he wasn't with her.
He'd asked her at the party she threw, the London themed party she threw, for any excuse to stay. Tell me not to go. Tell me not to get on that plane. Tell me to blow off my father, the paper, the whole Huntzberger destiny. Just tell me I can figure something else out. Just tell me not to go. Not that he hadn't already run through every single scenario he could fathom, trying to come up with his own reasons, his own excuses; he had. And he'd only come up with one: Rory.
All she had to do was say that tiny sentence, utter those two words, and he'd never leave. He'd rebel and tell his father to screw it and he would stay. Rory would be his saving grace, his last hope, his rescue team.
But she didn't; she knew better. She was smart, too smart for him; he didn't even have to look at her to know that wasn't what was going to come out of her mouth. Well, I can't do that. And just like that, all hope of getting out of his hell of a life was gone. And Rory…she looked so heartbroken after she'd said it, he almost wished he wouldn't have asked. Because he saw it in her eyes- she had wanted to say it. She wanted to tell him not to go, and she wouldn't. Couldn't. He wasn't sure, but it didn't matter. All that mattered was that he was going.
Rubbing his eyes, his fingers came away slightly damp. Damn…and she's not even up. With a last glance at her ethereal form, he moved slowly to the side of the bed, his fingers reaching for her shoulder. And he uttered the one thing sure to wake her. "Rory?"
And if the moon had to run away
And all the stars didn't wanna play
Don't waste the sun on a rainy day
The wind will soon blow it all away, yeah
It was only going to be a year. One year. Twelve months, Three hundred and sixty five days…however many minutes that was. And it was going to be a lifetime. But it was only a year. A year, then he could come back, it would all be behind him, it would all be behind both of them, and he could go back to the way things were, be back with Rory. Waking up with Rory, drinking coffee with Rory. Only a year. Twelve months. Three hundred and sixty five days. One lifetime.
Logan felt like he was the culprit in some horrible death sentence, condemned to climb in the car that was patiently waiting for him in front of the apartment. And this was his death march. He was facing down the executioner- had been for quite a few years at Yale- but he couldn't run any more. No amount of Huntzberger charm, smirks, or cash could pull him out of the mess he'd been tangled in since he could walk. He had the proof- the plane ticket in his jacket pocket. He was bagged, suited, and ticketed to the sentence.
Logan vaguely thought back to the LBD event he'd dragged Rory to last year. No, not vaguely…he remembered every detail. Because it was the best event he'd ever participated in, ever led. He remembered what he told her when she refused to climb up the scaffolding and jump with him; words meant to inspire courage and life into her safe little world. It'll be fun, it'll be a thrill. Something stupid, something bad for you. Just something different. Isn't this the point of being young? It's your choice, Ace. People can live a hundred years without really living for a minute. You climb up there with me, it's one less minute you haven't lived. He had been right, he'd judged her correctly, and she'd marched up there him. And he hadn't felt quite so anxious, quite so nervous, quite so wishing that they had actually really tested the harnesses before deciding the go ahead with the stunt.
He felt the same feelings now, except he was standing at the top of the scaffolding alone. With the wimpy harness wrapped around his waist and clutching the damn umbrella like it'll somehow save him once he takes the dive. And he can see Rory down on the ground below him. She's the only one there; the other Life and Death Brigaders aren't- Finn's not there, Colin's not there, Stephanie's not there- just Rory. And she's staring at him with those big eyes, and he can see the tears sparkling against her skin in the sunlight, and he wants so badly to jump off but he can't because he knows that harness won't hold him. That, and he's scared. Yep; plain, old, scared. Something he's surely never said in his entire life, to himself or anyone else. Logan Elias Huntzberger, daredevil of Yale, is absolutely terrified.
So many times I planned
To be much more than who I am
And if I let you down
I will follow you 'round until you understand
You were not to be here! You were supposed to be on a red-eye to London last night! I have a room full of colleagues, some of which have come from other bureaus to meet you, and you blow it off to be with your little girlfriend! You embarrassed me! You embarrassed yourself! Mitchum's words still rang in his head. An embarrassment. Was that really who he was? He never felt like one, unless he was standing in front of his father, but even then, it was more defiance than embarrassment. But with Rory, it was completely different.
He never felt embarrassed with Rory, never felt the need to change who he was. Had he changed though? He didn't feel like it. He still felt alive, adventurous, reckless even. Hell, he'd proved that when he'd insanely, albeit a little foolishly, jumped off that cliff in Costa Rica. That part of him was what still reared its head. But then there was that other part, the part he kept looking at with surprise and confusion, like he didn't really recognize it- probably because he'd really never felt it. It was foreign. It was that part that felt the odd flutter every time he laid eyes on Rory Gilmore. That part that had browsed engagement rings when he'd picked up Rory's (and coincidentally Lorelai's) Valentine's Day present. That part that made every inch of his body ache and scream for her when she wasn't there. That part that practically roared that she was "The One".
He was planning things in his mind- what their wedding would be like, where he would take them for their honeymoon…- it was all foreign, and all a real possibility for him. In fact, in the presence of all honesty, he would even admit that he wanted it, craved it; the way it made him feel, the terrifying thrill he got from it. And that feeling, that insatiable need for Rory, was not the Logan Huntzberger everyone else knew; or he knew.
But oddly enough, when Rory had come pounding on his door, wanting to end it with him because she was a 'girlfriend girl'…well, that was the side that reared its head. Maybe it was the fact that Logan Huntzberger had never had a girl break up with him, and he felt sure that Rory Gilmore wasn't going to start that tradition. Hell, they weren't even dating then, or assumed an exclusive relationship; it was supposed to be casual. Maybe we can just go back to being friends again. Oh, that's right; he was handed the friend card- a free pass, a 'get out of jail' card- but he didn't take it. Instead, he vaguely remembered the words coming out of his mouth, though they sounded foreign. I'll be your boyfriend. If I say I can, then I can. Boy, he had no idea what the hell he was getting himself in to. It was harder than he thought; the words, "Rory Gilmore- my girlfriend" weren't conjured up automatically.
He remembered Rory's face when he'd had to say it to Honor; she'd almost laughed at how he'd stumbled over the words. You okay over there? You need a little water, or a time machine? But then…something changed. Maybe he did change. Being Rory's boyfriend became easy, second nature…and what was more- he liked it. He liked introducing himself as her boyfriend, liked the exclusiveness of it. But then…the bridesmaids.
Holy crap, had he screwed that one big time. Literally. The disappointment, the hurt, the betrayal on Rory's face after Honor's wedding physically pained him. He didn't mean to upset her. Honestly. He didn't know they weren't together…he'd been honest with her when he told Rory that. And he was lonely, and he missed her, and he needed something to fill that void where she was supposed to be, but it didn't work. She'd left, she'd walked out, leaving him alone in Honor's dressing room. And he'd followed.
He gave her space until she made it to Paris', then he followed, unable to accept an end to their relationship. And he thought they'd worked things out; she'd said she was fine, that she understood. But there was something wrong with her. Something was off, but he'd let it go. Left it alone.
She'd gotten so mad about the LDB trip, and he truthfully wanted to hear none of it. That was going to be the big finale, the icing on his Yale life, one more reckless stunt before he was relegated to a life of business meetings and office hours. And then, he'd gone and almost gotten himself killed. But she'd still shown up. And she still loved him. And she'd yelled at his dad. And she loved him. She got it, and she forgave him, and she loved him.
God, Colin and Finn would probably rush me back to the emergency room if they even had an inkling, claiming that surely I had something wrong in the head. So, had he changed? No, he didn't think he had. But was he changing? Maybe…and maybe, it wasn't so bad.
That if the moon had to run away
And all the stars didn't wanna play
Don't waste the sun on a rainy day
The wind will soon blow it all away, yeah, oh yeah
"Logan?" That one word nearly broke his heart. He all but begged her to stay in bed, not to get up, because that would be easier. But Rory bounded up like she'd been shot, ready to take on the airport in her pajamas. My bag's already in the car. Translation for, please don't get out of that bed, because you're making this really hard. Her face looked so bewildered, so crushed, when she finally realized that he was really going.
He couldn't bring himself to look at her as she scrambled from the bed. Those tears were coming, he knew it. I have to say good-bye. She sounded so deflated, and Logan felt his jaw clench as he looked into her tear-filled blue eyes. Rory, no. Because saying good-bye was going to be too much, much too much.
If you come with me, I won't get on the plane. She looked so crushed that he didn't want her there, but he couldn't take much more of this. He didn't want to go, he didn't want to go…and he was sure that he definitely wouldn't go if she was there, staring at him with that doe-eyed, fragile, chin trembling face. And then, she started to cry. To really cry.
And she was rambling on and on about seeing William and Harry and he was falling apart at the seams. I love you, Ace. The four little words that spilled from his lips as he kissed her had never felt more right, more honest. And she was crying; he could taste the salt on his lips. He wanted to hold her and to hug her and to kiss her, crawl back into bed and not ever leave her crying. It wasn't fair. He couldn't walk out on her, not now.
I have to go. The words sounded so flooded with emotion, he was surprised at himself. But only for a second, because it shouldn't have been a surprise; this was Rory standing in front of him, this was the love of his life, standing in his apartment, sobbing. And so, he did the only thing he knew, the one thing he knew he had to do, right now, before he backed out; he turned and walked out of the door.
When the days all feel the same
Don't feel the cold or wind or rain
Everything will be okay
We will meet again one day
And I will shine on, for everyone
Logan could put on the bravest face he could muster, he could hold back the tears and stand tall when he was in the apartment. He could manage to look like he wasn't as devastated as he was. He had to cover the shattered emotions; Rory didn't deserve to have to put back together those pieces.
No, he'd hold them together with Elmer's glue, just long enough to look whole. He almost smiled at how good of an actor he was becoming. But he didn't, because he realized that if he looked back, all Rory would have to do would be to look in his eyes, and he'd be a dead giveaway. His whole charade, his act would have been for nothing.
Rory told him he wore everything in his eyes. Logan has the most expressive eyes. That's what she told her mom.
He wanted all of this to be worth something, to have served a purpose. He wanted her to shine. To excel. To not dwell on the fact that he's not there. He'd be doing enough of that for both of them. No, he wanted her to keep working, keep striving for her goals. She wasted too much time away from Yale; he wasn't going to be another hurdle for her to waver over. He wanted her to be big, to be a fabulous journalist, to win a Pulitzer Prize when she's a senior at Yale…because that's what she wants. So he'd be strong so she would be too.
So please don't cry
Although I leave you here this night
Where I go, how far, I don't know
But I will always be your light
He'd managed to make it all the way down the hall to the elevator without glancing back, his fingers holding a death grip on the cane in his hand. He heard the door open, heard Rory's soft sobs floating down the hallway, and right then, he almost turned around and ran back to her…well, hopped back to her, because it'd be faster to just hop back than to struggle with the damn broken leg.
He willed himself not to turn around, not to look at her, as he pressed the button for the elevator. He was going to London. He was going across an ocean, a continent away from Rory. Five thousand miles away from Rory. Away from Rory. Then, the elevator doors opened.
This was it. He would step in, those doors would close, and he would lose sight of the one good thing that ever happened to him. But there was hope, he thought as he stepped into the elevator …she still loved him.
Then if the moon had to run away
And all the stars didn't wanna play
Don't waste the sun on a rainy day
The wind will soon blow it all away, yeah, oh yeah
He turned. And he realized, too late, he should have never turned around.
When the days all seem the same
Don't feel the cold or wind or rain
Everything will be okay
We will meet again one day
I will shine on, for everyone
Shine on, for everyone
Logan hadn't remembered crying since he was maybe three or four. His sister, Honor, had broken one of his toy trucks, and he'd started crying, wailing, holding the pieces in his chubby little hands. And then his dad had showed up and told him that Huntzberger men didn't cry and that he'd buy Logan another truck, so he'd better stop crying and act like the tough kid he'd raised.
Yeah, that was about the last time he'd cried. Until now. When he brought his gaze up from the floor, finally deciding that she was way more interesting than the laces of his boot, he felt his jaw stiffen, then tremble slightly. Rory waved meekly, tears streaming down her cheeks, leaning hard against the doorframe as if she couldn't' support her own weight, and all he could manage was to nod. It was either nod or bolt to her, but he felt glued to his spot on the elevator.
I love you, Ace. Those words played over and over in his mind as he vaguely heard the elevator doors shutting. He hoped, prayed that she could read his mind, because he was unable to form words at this very moment. His Elmer's glue job was failing him miserably. He had to look away from her, he should look away from her, but he didn't. He couldn't.
He watched her sob, watched her straighten slightly as if she'd try to be just as brave as he is pretending to be, and a small wave of pride raced through him. He refused to tear his eyes away until the wooden panels of the elevator slid shut. And then, once the doors finally closed, and he felt the floor shift slightly as the elevator began to move, Logan Huntzberger cried.
When the stars all look the same
Don't feel the cold or wind or rain
Everything will be okay
We will meet again one day
I will shine on, for everyone
Shine on for everyone
Logan hardly acknowledged Frank as he opened the door to the car. He was too busy trying to ignore the tears that had dampened his sleeve from wiping his eyes and were still blurring his vision.
So, here he was. He was standing on the edge of the scaffolding, umbrella bending under the death grip he had on it, the harness still just as unsafe and untested and still as weak. And he was still just as scared to take the jump. But something felt different, something was different. Logan could sense someone else's presence on the scaffolding, could feel it rocking under his feet from the weight of another person. He turned, ready to face whomever it was, his 'fight or flight' response kicking in overdrive. Then, he spotted the flying curl of reddish brown hair popping up over the top of the ladder. And he felt the familiar flutter in his stomach, the familiar smirk begin to creep across his lips. Rory. There was Rory, stunning in the tasteful blue formal gown he'd picked out, climbing the last step of the ladder and straightening in front of him. She looked just as nervous as he was. Then, she smiled. She grinned, more like it, her eyes bright with thrill and excitement and love. Tilting her head, she picked up the dress, moving to stand next to him on the edge of the platform. She reached down, retrieving an umbrella, then glanced over at him. You jump, I jump, Jack. Those five words, meant to be an offhand joke to release some of the nervous energy, offered the opposite effect; Logan felt, for the first time since he'd been up there, a wave of confidence. Ready, Ace? She smiled at him, like she understood that he was way beyond talking about just the jump. But she didn't hesitate. Grasping his hand, they jumped- together.
Logan sighed as he watched New Haven fly by in a blur of color outside the car window. And for the first time since he could remember, far enough back to where he could forget about London, and his dad, and the company, he felt a wave of confidence. He knew. He knew that things would work out, that they would be alright. He knew it before he even walked out of the apartment. He knew it before Rory started sobbing about saying hi to William and Harry, as she protested going to the airport shoeless…he knew, because he loved her. And the feelings were returned.
Nothing else mattered; not the job, or his dad, or his name…Everything would be okay. They would be okay. The harness was weak, but he had Rory, and they would jump together.
FIN