12:00
The red numbers burn into my eyes, into my mind, into my heart.
It is midnight. I get up, pull on my black hoodie, and start to climb out of the window.
This is my routine. I leave at the same time every night. It is a time I know that everyone in my family will be asleep. I am always quiet; I never wake anyone up.
I walk down the street, past some buildings, across a parking lot, through some trees. There is a clearing, and someone is waiting for me.
We hug, hard and fast. It has been twenty-four hours since our last hug. It feels like it has been a lifetime.
We sit on the ground. It is cold beneath us, but our bodies create a warmth that is comforting.
"Can I ask you something?"
I nod.
"Why do you give Spencer such a hard time? Especially when…"
I hold up my hand; it is now silent.
"Don't give me crap about that Aiden," I say.
He nods and holds out his hand. I take it, feeling his warmth spread through me. His warmth is the reason I come. It is the reason we have to meet at midnight. His warmth helps me get through each day.
We move closer. Both hands are now clasped tightly between us. There is another warmth we need.
Our lips meet, graze back and forth, and the warmth grows. It grows until it is heat.
Lips press harder, hungry, passionate, satisfying. His hands are around my neck. They pull me closer. Mine grasp the sides of his face.
We finally pull apart. The heat dissolves back to the warmth that lingers, closing the space between us.
"Spencer is weak," I say in an attempt to continue our conversation where it left off. "She doesn't know what she wants."
"Do you know what you want?" Aiden asks. I nod.
"What I want is sitting right in front of me."
Our hands find each other. The warmth surges.
"You want this?" he questions me, waving a hand around our area. My hand is cold until he takes it again. "You want a secret? Something that no one knows about? All you want is midnight?" he asks. Anger is rising through him, seeping from every pore. I don't like it.
"No one can find out about us. Or about Spencer. If they do, we won't have anything left. We won't even have midnight."
I gently squeeze his hands. I need the warmth.
"Why?" He is quieter now. He knows there is truth in my words.
"Because she'll make us move again."
"Who?" He knows who, but he wants to hear me say it.
"My mother."
"What do you mean, 'again?'" he asks. Suddenly he is grasping my hands tighter than before. "I thought she found a better job."
"She did. That was just one of the benefits of my 'unfortunate confusion,' as she likes to call it," I explain.
"She knows about you?"
"She used to. She doesn't anymore."
"What happened in Ohio? How did she find out?" As he asks, my hands subconsciously loosen their grip. I knew the question would come at one point, I just don't know if I'm ready to tell him. I want him to know—he has the right to—but my throat closes up.
Aiden tightens his grip. He wants to know. I work up the courage to let my throat open.
"Kiss me first."
He leans forward, pulling on my hands to close the gap quicker. When his lips touch mine, I am warm again. I don't want to let go. I don't want to talk. I want to kiss.
When our lips separate, the heat stays. With the heat, I know I can tell him.
"There was someone before you," I choke out. He is not surprised, but his reaction surprises me.
"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," he says. I nod my head but I continue. I can't stop now.
"I first realized that I was…like this…when I made the varsity basketball team sophomore year." I still can't say it out loud to anyone. Not even to the person I meet at midnight. Not even to myself.
"I know what you mean," Aiden says with a chuckle.
"No, you don't," I say with force. He is shocked by my reply, though he doesn't say another word.
"Even if it was okay for me to be…myself, the person before you was off limits. I saw him and suddenly I needed him more than I'd ever needed anyone before. I couldn't explain it, and I definitely didn't understand it."
I pause and take a deep breath. I've never told this story before.
"Who was it?" Aiden asks, already deeply engrossed in my story.
"His name was Nate. But only I could call him that. To everyone else, he was Coach Michaels."
Aiden's eyes widen and a small gasp escapes his mouth. He doesn't say a word, only nods for me to continue.
"After my first practice, he asked me to see him in his office. I thought right away that he'd noticed the way I'd been stealing glances at him and I was about to be kicked off the team. But he just gave me a speech about what being on a varsity team was like and how I had to keep up my grades; the usual.
"Then, right before I left, he told me that I'd be great for the team, and he patted my arm. But then he didn't move his hand. My skin was tingling, and I didn't move my arm. I stared at his hand; I couldn't believe he was touching me. He saw me staring, and quickly pulled it away.
"I said 'it's okay' and smiled before I left. He smiled back, and I knew that I wanted to see that smile every day. We were both hooked after that first touch, and going to his office after practice became a daily ritual. I always took the longest in the shower so everyone was gone by the time I was done. That way, no one knew I was visiting the coach.
"After a week of visiting him—all we did was talk about sports usually—I got a little close to him while we were talking. I could feel his breath on my lips and I wanted to kiss him. Nate nodded, so I did it. It was nothing like kissing a girl. I felt my knees weaken, and I thought I was going to collapse unless I sat down.
"I sat in his chair and pulled him down towards me to kiss him again. But he stopped and pulled away. He said 'we shouldn't be doing this,' so I freaked out and I ran from the room. He tried to follow me, but I didn't know what to do. I felt like I'd come to my senses, and I wasn't sure why I'd kissed him at all. I figured it was all a mistake, so I stopped going to his office.
"I went home straight after practice, without even taking a shower. When he asked to talk to me, I ignored him. That went on for two weeks, until I thought I was going to burst if I didn't see him again, in private.
"He didn't know I was coming, but he was happy to see me. I was nervous and scared. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, but I couldn't help myself. I apologized and told him it would never happen again, because it seemed like the right thing to do. I started rambling and told him it was a mistake and I begged for him to let me stay on the team. He shut me right up when he kissed me."
"How did your mom find out?" Aiden asks when I pause for a minute.
"I'm getting to that," I say. To get more comfortable, I lie down with my head in his lap. He runs his fingers through my hair, making me want to stop the story and start kissing him again. I reluctantly continue, knowing that he needs the whole story.
"After every practice when I went to his office, he started locking the door. Whenever we kissed it got rough. We pushed each other against the walls and kissed with such force that we thought someone might hear us.
"One night, I was lying across his desk as he leaned down over me. We were making out, and suddenly his hands were pulling down my shorts. I started breathing heavy and I closed my eyes as I felt the cool air hit me. Right when he was about to...you know…the door handle jiggled. I freaked out and pulled my shorts back up. I was looking for a place to hide when I heard my mother's voice.
"Coach Michaels? Is Glen in there?' I heard her say. Luckily for us, there were no windows except for the one in the door, and that had a shade pulled down over it. 'Hello?' she called out. Nate pushed me under his desk and pushed the chair in. I could barely breathe, but I knew I couldn't make a sound.
"Coming!' he shouted. I heard him open the door and lie to my mom. He told her that I'd just left to run around the school a few times. She must have seen all of his stuff from the desk on the floor, because he said something about cleaning up his office. She left a minute later, and I knew I had to leave too. It was the closest we'd ever gotten to being caught before, but we knew that wouldn't stop us.
"I could tell in the following weeks that my mom was suspicious of me. I was never home for dinner anymore. I sometimes stayed with Nate until eight at night—four hours after practice was over. She questioned me one time, and I told her that I always hung out with guys on the team. She seemed to buy it, so I didn't stop seeing Nate.
"Then one day, we got bold. We came up with a way to see each other outside of his office. After we won our next game, I told my mom there was going to be a victory party at Coach's apartment the next day. She told me that I could go as long as I was home by curfew."
"There wasn't a party, was there?" Aiden interrupts.
"Of course not," I answer. "Well, not with the entire team anyway. It was the perfect cover. I'd be able to spend at least five hours with Nate, and not have to worry about being caught. I rode my bike to his house, after convincing my mother that I didn't need her to give me a ride because it wasn't too far away.
"I'd been there for about three hours before we were interrupted. We didn't get right into anything when I got there. We'd been talking, which led to kissing, which led to us being naked in his bed. But nothing had happened. We were getting ready to…" I pause. I don't like to discuss these things in detail, not even with Aiden.
"I get it," he says. "Then what happened?"
"There was a knock on his door. He told me to ignore it that whoever it was would go away soon. But 'whoever it was' didn't go away. The soft knocking turned to loud banging that wouldn't stop. I asked Nate if he had an angry ex that I didn't know about, but he said no. Then I made sure he didn't have a wife or girlfriend…or a boyfriend. He didn't.
"Things got quiet again, so we started to kiss. He was lying on top of me. He was kissing my neck when the bedroom door was thrown open.
"Everything that happened after that was a blur. I remember a lot of screaming, but I couldn't focus on anything that was being said. I yelled for Nate, but found myself being dragged out by my hand. I wanted Nate to be holding my hand, not her. I knew I was stronger than her, but I didn't fight back. I couldn't fight my own mother, no matter how much she was hurting me."
"How did she even get in?" Aiden asks.
"The front door was unlocked, and so was his bedroom door. She already knew I was there. I found out later that she saw one of my teammates at the grocery store, and he didn't know anything about any party. She finally admitted to herself that she knew what I'd been doing all along. And she came to 'save me.'
"I was told to get dressed while she went back into Nate's bedroom and screamed at him. She threatened to call the police and turn him in. Then she dragged me out of there. I didn't even get to say goodbye." I stop, and sit up. I don't want to look at him. A tear threatens to fall from my eye, but I rub it away. I feel like a little kid. I want to cry, but I can't.
I feel Aiden's hand on my shoulder. He pulls me to him and hugs me. I take in his scent. I haven't been this close to a guy since Nate. I need this. I can't have him torn away from me. I can't.
"Do you miss him?" he asks me. I wait for a moment, then I nod. "I know that she hurt you, but you can't hide all of your life. There will be other people who don't like the choices that you make, but you can't let them win. This, us, what we're doing right now…this is letting them win," he tells me.
"I know. But you don't know what it's like. I never saw him again. She made me change schools, and then we moved here. She said that the move would 'fix' me. Well, it didn't."
"No one can fix you. As corny as it sounds, you're not broken. And I like you just the way you are. But I'm not happy. I want to be with you, but I don't want to hide," he tells me. I don't know what to say.
I pull back and look in his eyes. He kisses my forehead softly. The feel of his lips on my skin warms me.
"Are you happy?" he asks. "I don't think any of us are," he adds when I don't answer. "We've created so many lies that it's hard for any of us to see the truth anymore. I'm with Spencer, but I want to be with you. She wants to be with Ashley, but she stays with me. And you're with Madison."
"But I want to be with you," I finish for him. "I do. And I'm not happy. Not without you," I say.
"Then we should forget midnight. We should have late afternoons. We can show everyone that we're not afraid of them."
I shake my head. As much as it hurts, I know that saying no is the only way. I'll never see him again if I say yes.
"I can't lose you. I can't go through it again. I won't let her take you away," I explain. I don't want it to be this way, but it has to.
"You can fight her. We can fight her, and everyone else who tries to stop us."
I lean in and kiss him so I can feel the warmth once more tonight.
"I have to go."
It is not the last time we'll have this conversation. Now that he knows everything, he won't stop begging for something more. I can't blame him, but I can't agree. Not when I feel like my world will fall apart without him.
He kisses me again and surprises me. I know now that he won't leave me. We have to leave each other for now, but he will always be there. He hugs me for what seems like forever. If only it could be that simple. If only we could have forever instead of just midnight.
He stands and takes one last look at me. I watch him walk away, and I know that I am wrong. Spencer is strong. She is stronger than me. She doesn't care what people think of her. She wants to be with Ashley and she will be. I am the weak one. I only meet Aiden in the dark where no one will see us. But it is never enough.
Never enough.
Disclaimer: I do not own South of Nowhere or any of the characters. Tom Lynch does.