Shinigami Women's Society

By bleached.dragon

November 17th Meeting

Topic: New Members

In the 11th Company Headquarters, you can hear battle cries from every one of the rooms, spaciously appointed and lacking substantial furniture to encourage sudden capricious bouts of fighting, except for one. The gilded plaque on the door reads Women's Shinigami Society and if you slide open the screen door, you will find a small room complete with a chalkboard, a long, executive style, meeting table, and a podium. It is into this room, that the much admired women of the higher echelons of the Shinigami file. Soifon, Rangiku, Isane, Kiyone and Nemu wander in at different intervals and proceed to deposit themselves in the chairs lining the table.

After the members had sat there, dozing, it was 6 am, for around fifteen minutes, the door slides open, and then closes. There is a shuffling sound as a crate is dragged to the podium, and Yachiru Kusajishi springs into view, her head barely clearing the podium, despite the added height of the crate. She waits for a short interval, smiling cutely and Nanao staggers in, half hidden by a giant stack of paper. Nanao drops the papers on the table and fixes the glasses on her face. As the Vice President of the Shinigami Women's Society, Nanao often found herself stuck with grunt labor, and today was no exception.

Nanao clears her throat in an attempt to catch the tiny President's attention, "Madame President, please allow me to introduce today's topic."

Madame President was at that moment enraptured by a chance butterfly that that had fluttered through the, so enraptured was she, that when she went to snatch the fluttering creature, she toppled off the podium entirely. Sighing, Nanao walked up to the podium.

Nanao makes another hopeless attempt, "Today's topic is…"

A recovered Yachiru quickly tackles Nanao to the ground. The 8th Company Vice Captain falls to the floor, momentarily stunned, which was long enough for Yachiru to assume her position of power on the podium.

Yachiru clears her throat in a mirror image of Nanao, "I have an announcement to make…"

There is a resounding collective groan.

Nemu, with pencil poised, doesn't even bother to take minutes. For if you scanned the minutes of the last twenty-three and a half (a meeting was cut short by a sudden, unexpected, tidal wave; more on that later), Yachiru had said, "What shall we play today?" with her usual sickeningly sweet smile, which the members had begun to view has bloodthirsty.

Yachiru once again bared her teeth in that very smile and called, "What shall we play today?!"

Rangiku grimaces, "That's what you said the last twenty-three and a half meetings."

Yachiru pouts, "No! This time, I had an extra exclamation mark!"

Rangiku replies in a patronizing voice, "And how, may I ask, can we tell?"

The tiny vice captain cheerfully parries in a voice that most master debaters would rather die than use, "Nemu-tan wrote it on her paper, right Nemu-tan? "

Nemu, who had been sleeping on the table, still feeling the after effects of the last drug Mayuri had tested on her jolts up, "WAH! Um… yes… yes!"

Rangiku decides that it was a hopeless battle and subsides into silence, choosing to examine her nails instead.

Nanao had reclaimed her spot on podium and resumed her monologue, "As I was saying, today's topic is the consideration of the acceptance of new members. Now you remember the guidelines, all members must have a Shikai or be seated officers."

Soifon looks at the papers in Nanao's hand and began furtively searching for an escape route, "Do we have too?"

Nanao smiles and the members shudder to see a mirror image of the smile that their president had just flashed at them moments before, "Oh, there's more." Nanao raps the window and Ikkaku, drives a dump truck through the open window, smashing a hole in the newly plastered wall, just repaired from the tidal wave incident, and deposits a mound of paper in the room, before Ikkaku guns the truck into a hasty retreat, rightly afraid of the member's fury.

Kiyone, who had jumped up on the table to protest being put through tedious work, found herself half submerged in papers, the ceiling closer than before.

Nanao and Yachiru had found refuge under the crate that Yachiru had used as a footstool (yes, she's that short). The two of them cowered there, unsure on how to proceed. Well, the indecisiveness was mostly on Nanao's part, Yachiru had bounded from under the crate, "Yay! It snowed inside." She danced around trying to catch 'snowflakes' on her tongue, but only managed to catch a paper cut.

Soifon, meanwhile, is completely submerged in application forms. She started when she heard Rangiku's voice emanating from somewhere near her, "Hey, Soifon!"

The violent captain jerks up, "Huh? What? Where?" She flails and slashes through the papers closest to her before remembering, belatedly, that Rangiku was somewhere near her.

Soifon managed a tentative, "Rangiku?" Before she notices, to her horror as red dye bleeds through the shredded papers, "NOOOOOO! Rangiku! You were so young…"

Rangiku winces, somewhere across the room, "Soifon? Are you okay?"

Soifon gasps, "Y-y-you're alive!"

Rangiku sighs, "And that is why we voted to eradicate silent ring tones last week.

Soifon finally notices her cell phone, casting a red glow on the papers around her.

Somewhere, nestled in the papers, Isane is curled up and dreaming of eggplant.

In a hallway, somewhere in 6th Company Headquarters

Byakuya strolls down the walkway regally and comments to Renji, "Because you destroyed your last office trying to practice your Shikai, this is all we have left."

The two of them are standing in front of a hallway closet

Renji blanches, "You're kidding! I know the division headquarters are crowded because of all the Shinigami that live and work here, but are you saying that the only room available is a CLOSET?" He slams his fist into the double doors of the closet and they crumple.

Byakuya sighs, "Actually, no."

Renji, who apparently can't read body language very well brightens up, "Really?"

Byakuya covers his eyes in defeat, "Since you broke the door, we don't even have a closet."

"BOOT!"

"I will leave you to that then."

The 6th Company Captain proceeds down the hall, and then finds himself prostrate on the floor, the piece of paper that he had slipped on drifts daintily onto his face.

Renji, who had curled up in his new 'office', sobbing quietly in a fetal position, springs up, "CAPTAIN KUCHIKI!" He rushes to his captain, forgetting that just seconds ago, the same man had ruthlessly left him to deal with having half a closet.

Byakuya stands up and dusting himself off, he spares a glance for the paper, "Renji… since when have you been interested in a membership at the Shinigami Women's Society?"

The pineapple head is caught off guard by the comment, "are you didn't hit your head on that fall?"

Byakuya, giving Renji a venomous look, holds out the paper, "Just look."

Back in the meeting room:

The air is rent with a sickening scream, as Isane wakes up from yet another nightmare.

Isane sobs uncontrollably, "F-f-fish c-cakes…" She hugs a piece of paper for dear life and gives herself a paper cut, "Owwww… Hey, what is this?" She clicks on her penlight, "WHAT THE—!"

The other members of the Women's Society take out similar penlights (Yachiru had required, under the threat of death and dismemberment, that members to carry the bright pink rabbit covered penlights at all times) and look at the papers near them.

Soifon reads a paper, "………" She shines a rabbit shaped beam of light on to another paper, "Wha?"

Rangiku's voice wafts from Soifon's cell phone (it's still on), "this is just disturbing."

Isane stares at the paper in shock, "Why……… would Abarai, want to join the Shinigami Women's Society?"

Back to Byakuya and Renji:

Renji gaps, "WHAT THE —!" He then starts hyperventilating.

Byakuya looks sidelong at his red haired vice captain, "Are you sure you didn't apply?"

Renji just stares back, as if he can't believe what Captain Kuchiki is saying, "Heck NO! Why would I apply?"

Byakuya shrugs, "Because you wear pink yukatas?"

Renji had just about had it, "They're RED, NOT PINK!

"They look pink to me."

The conversation would have continued, except, in the Society's room, Nanao had fought her way to the door and opened it, letting a tide of application forms wash out into the hallway.

Renji pauses, "Wait a minute… I see a plot inconsistency. How did the papers come into the hallway of 6th Company, when the Society is in 11th?"

Byakuya shrugs again, "Didn't we all agree at one point that the Society was twisted?"

Kiyone spots Renji at that moment, "RENJI! EXPLAIN YOURSELF!!"

Renji, feigning surprise, "I had no idea what you're talking about."

Kiyone is raging, "YES YOU DO!!"

Nemu coughs politely and holds out an application, "Um… you should probably see this. Under hobbies, it lists 'vivisecting quincies' and that sounds more like Mayouri-taijo…"

Kiyone pauses, mid pull of Renji's red hair, "Say… hasn't that creep been applying every year?"

Nemu, resuming her usual gloomy expression, sighs, "I think he accidentally put Abarai's name down when he made those copies…"

Rangiku on the other hand, had taken a cheerful outlook to the situation…

The buxom Vice Captain walks up to Renji, brushing pieces of shredded paper from her hair, "Well, since he took the time to apply…" here she smiles evilly, making herself the third person to use Yachiru's smile, "……… CONGRATULATIONS!" She tosses confetti into the air, "you are now the Shinigami Women's Society's newest member."

Everyone is speechless except Renji, "WHAT? As if I wanted to join anyway!"

Nanao adjusts her glasses, "According to the registration form, the moment you apply, if you are accepted, no backing out."

Kiyone and Soifon turn their heads in Nanao's direction, "WHAT?"

Yachiru has seen the potential gain from this arrangement that Rangiku had unearthed, "YAY! You can start cleaning up the mess now! " She hands him a flamethrower.

Renji falls to his knees, unbelieving, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Mayuri emerges from the wall, "You admitted ABARAI AND NOT ME? Abarai didn't even apply!! I've applied for 10 straight years and Abarai gets admitted because of a typo?! You wont hear the last from me!!" He makes a hasty retreat once he notices that Renji is holding a flamethrower.

Soifon sighs, "Well, that explains a bunch."

The president, being a woman of action, grabs the nearest paper, "We might as well get this done Yachiru style...! Aha! Rukia Kuchiki. Okay, done. Notify Miss Kuchiki, Vice President."

Renji is still holding the flamethrower, "Why a flamethrower?"

Yachiru dimples, "It's faster! "

Renji fades into the background, trying to get the 'cleaning equipment' to work.

Meanwhile, Rukia arrives with Nanao.

Rukia spots her childhood friend, "What is Renji doing with a flamethrower?"

Yachiru dimples again, "It's cleaning equipment! "

Rukia is a bit taken aback, "O-okay…" She stammers, wondering if it really would be.

Yachiru hasn't finished making decrees, "And since you live with Byakushi, you get to join photo book committee!"

Before anything further could be arranged Renji manages to work the flamethrower, it shoots fire forty feet into the air and burns a hole straight through the floor above them.

There is another speechless moment of silence.

The flames form into a monster like being and begin rampaging the 6th Division with Renji swinging from it, his hand caught in the flamethrower. Fortunately for him, he had already passed out.

Yachiru grins, "Okay peoples! Let's continue our meeting!"

Rukia is now considering the sanity of the president, "But the flame monster just passed through the room!"

Yachiru replies nonchalantly, "The meeting room is indestructible, except for tidal waves… but what are the chances of that happening?"

Rangiku decides, once again, to point out the miscalculation, "Very high. Remember the half meeting?"

Yachiru covers Rangiku's mouth with a smile and whispers, "Don't say that too loud! The insurance company will hear you!"

Rangiku gags, her voice muffled, she demands, "MMPH! Why is your hand sticky?"

Yachiru is tugging on her hand, "Must be that candy I found under the crate… I think it's stuck!"

Nanao, pauses and pales, "Under the crate? That was my stash of superglue!"

A look of utter horror crosses Rangiku's face, "Please say that's not true."

And so… with Yachiru's hand stuck to Rangiku's mouth the Shinigami Women have no choice but to see the specialists. But before that… a quick update on the flamethrower monster.

Update:

Rikichi is brushing his teeth, the time now being 6:34 am, when the flamethrower monster bursts into his room. He runs for cover and grabs the nearest weapon, his rubber ducky.

Rikichi brandishes the rubber bath toy, "S-s-stay back!" He suddenly realizes the ridiculousness of the situation and completely unravels, "Why? WHY? Why is today the day that I HAD to let Akon borrow my fire extinguisher. Why do I only have a stupid rubber ducky?" He squeezes the rubber toy and suddenly, to his surprise, a jet of compressed water shoots from the duck's mouth.

Unfortunately, the beam of water misses the monster a fizzles out.

Rikichi falls to his knees, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Fortunately, the jet of water hits the switch on the flamethrower and the monster is sucked back in. Renji crumples to the ground. Rikichi faints. And that is how Akon finds the two of them, collapsed on the ground, when he comes in to return the fire extinguisher.

Akon is a bit speechless, "Bad time?"

Back to the girls:

While this drama is occurring, all the people at the 4th Company Relief Station couldn't get Yachiru and Rangiku, unglued. In fact, thirty odd people were stuck to the two of them in a giant, human Katamari.

Rangiku gasps in a muffled voice, "THIS is ridiculous! What kind of glue is this anyway?"

Nanao head bowed in penitence, "Super Super Carpentry glue…"

"WHAT?"

Nanao mumbles, "I used it to destruction proof the entire meeting room… that's why only a tidal wave can destroy it."

Soifon is contemplating the realization, "A tidal wave… THAT'S IT!"

The 2nd Company Captain drags the human ball to the nearest water tank, and kicks a hole in it. Two things happen. The first, a torrent of water comes gushing down onto the human ball and immediately, all the people stagger free. The second, Commander General Genrusai is brushing his teeth, when his water runs out and proceeds to go about all day looking like a rabies victim.

Yachiru checks her pink watch; "Ah… it's the end of session already? " She skips off and leaves the rest of the society to deal with the mass destruction caused.