When all you get in life are lemons how are you expected to make lemonade? Without sugar and water all you can really make is lemon juice, a bearable but otherwise bitter drink that others are forcing you to take. How is that any better than just having the lemons? Yet, for Sans life's never been too terrible. There is always at least one thing that he can count on to brighten it up.
Papyrus, his baby brother.
If Sans could get his baby brother to smile just once a day his own day was already improving. While this was easy when the kid was younger, it has been getting harder and harder as he has grown.
Papyrus was 150 years of age on this pleasant Winter Solstice, quite a momentous occasion to be sure. For skeleton turning 150 years old signified that they were no longer a kid, but a full blown young skeleton. Like the human's young adult, the young monster was expected to start looking or training for their future career. While monsters did have schooling for kids that wasn't meant to train them for work, just to teach them the basics of how the world works including their ABC's and 123's. An apprenticeship was needed to start on a career path. They could do anything they wished, as long as they could get a grown monster to teach them the trade. With Papyrus it was never much of a question about what he planned on doing for his own career. He wanted to be part of the Royal Guard and protect the kingdom, just like his big brother.
It was no secrete that Sans was officially part of the Royal Guard his title was Royal Guard's Last Line of Defense to the King, ya it's a mouthful but the King was never good at naming things. Regardless, what a cool job right! Well sure the title was nice, but no one outside of Sans and the King actually knew what his job actually entailed. In reality he was essentially a fancy guard dog that never really stopped anyone from going to see the King. As long as they weren't a threat to the King, anyone could come and go whenever they wanted.
No one wanted to hurt the King, as he was a beacon of hope to many monsters within the underground. So most of Sans time was just hanging out in the middle of Judgment Hall twiddling his thumbs that was before the King allowed him to take on other jobs. Which begs the question, why would he want to take on other jobs? One would assume such a snazzy title would come with a pretty nice paycheck, and everyone knew how lacadazakle Sans could be if given the opportunity. Yet, if anyone thought that the money was good they would be surprised to find out that they were wrong. He gets paid bupkis, think along the lines of 5G a day, which is less than 2000G a year. When a single meal at Grillby's is 5000G well let's just say paying for the house isn't even close to being that cheap. So of course he's had to pick up a few other gigs, more than five other gigs to be frank.
Now at the end of the day this job is less than ideal, but if there is anything that Sans hates it's the feeling of being utterly useless and there is nothing more that this job does than that. Let's say someone was in Judgment Hall and they actually did want to engage the king in battle that's not good enough. There is an even more ridiculous regulation enacted recently, thanks to a spunky kid in his life, were he could only engage a threat if the being was 19 LV or above. Only then, if all these stipulations were met could he engage an enemy. Which begged Sans to wonder what exactly was he there for, as his job seemed to be nothing more than him taking up space in Judgment Hall. It was a frustratingly crappy and painfully boring, and not one that he had any real say in doing either. It was either this or he could say good bye to Papyrus, and that wasn't something Sans was going to entertain.
So he took the crappy job and it's shitty pay. It was a good thing being the King's personal lap dog entailed a lot of down time, because only with the other jobs was he anywhere close to giving Papyrus the life that Sans felt he deserved. Honestly, it's no surprise Sans was so tired all the time, but he would never tell Papyrus that. The kid didn't need to know how close they were to being out on the street all the time.
Sans always worked hard to make sure that Papyrus was happy. So after his 150th birthday party when Papyrus excitedly asked Sans if he could train him to be in the Royal Guard, it tore San's soul a bit to have to say no. Yet, what else was he going to tell Papyrus? Sure, Sans is part of the Royal Guard, but like he was just saying it was essentially under duress. Sans wasn't trained to be in the Royal Guard, he was trained to be a scientist something that obviously didn't exactly pan out. Sans didn't know how to train Papyrus even if he wanted to, which to tell the truth he actually sorta did.
Being in the Royal Guard isn't a bad gig if you weren't stuck in San's predicament. They actually have a tendency to be paid fairly well in fact and there were many aspects that Papyrus could advance career wise if he so wished. So sure, why not? Papyrus wasn't weak and while he could be a bit naive at some times, he was still young. Sans was sure Papyrus could make a good Guard if he really wanted it.
So when Sans said no, he didn't mean "No Papyrus couldn't be in the Royal Guard," but "No I can't train you." Unfortunately, Sans wasn't able to adequately relay this before Papyrus tried to run and lock himself up in his room, orange tears falling from his eyes. Before he made it far Sans grabbed the young skeleton's arm.
"You know Undyne is the Captain of the Royal Guard, and she doesn't have any apprentices right now. Maybe she -" Sans wasn't all that prepared for the wail that his brother let out at his suggestion, before Papyrus yanked his arm back and ran to his room slamming his door closed, emphasizing his disappointment. The kid always had a bit of a tantrum streak in him if he didn't get his way.
Sighing Sans rubbed the back of his head, figuring he should give the kid his space for the night. 'Best to try and talk to him again tomorrow,' he thought as he decided it would be best to talk to Undyne before he went to bed himself. Slipping into a shortcut to Undyne's place he was knocking on her door moments later. While he was pretty sure she would give Papyrus the apprenticeship, he wanted to make sure before Papyrus got to her. He didn't know if he could stand Papyrus being disappointed more than once over this.
"Who is it?" A gruff voice said from the other side of the door, which Sans couldn't help but laugh at a bit. As a fish out of water Undyne's voice was always a little horse, but he was sure he must have woken her up because she was impressively rough tonight. Sometimes he wondered what she sounded like in water. It would probably be at least a little smoother and less like she had a frog in the throat all the time.
"It's Sans."
"Sans?" Undyne opened the door to her small friend. "What are you doing here Sans? Isn't it Papyrus' birthday today? I thought he was going to have some sort of big party." As she talked Undyne had a frown on her face, the skeleton bros and her had been friend since before she became Captain of the Guard.
Sans and her met when she was Papyrus' age, remember that kid who changed the rules from general threats out to hurt the King, to threats that were LV of 19 or above? That was thanks to a younger Undyne and her own unique brand of unwavering determination. When she was Papyrus' age she kept trying to go see the King but she never had an appointment, which was a big no no back then and required Sans to be in Judgment Hall to 'greet' her. At the time she was determined to become Empress and figured that she had to kill the King to do it. Well, this made her Sans' first official 'problem.' Looking back on it now proves to be an interesting first few interactions.
In the end, she was never really going to kill the King as she wasn't strong enough but Sans had to keep turning her around as he couldn't allow her to attack the King either. With some words, a lot of dodging, and a bit more patience he was able to convince her to go home, and every morning she would come back even more determined to get passed Sans. Eventually they ended up talking. First, it was about why she was trying to get to the King and why she wanted to become Empress, and a bit about who Sans was as well. Through these frequent interactions they learned a lot more about each other than either one of them probably wanted to share, and after a few failed attempts of assassination on Undyne's part Sans was able to convince her that becoming Captain of the Royal Guard was her best option to getting her desired goals..
When she finally agreed Sans allowed her to pass, granting her access to fight the King. Everyone knows how that went, for that's the actual story that Undyne liked to tell. She always thought her and Sans' fight was much more a private occasion. One that sparked their friendship and had no place in being told to others to explain why and how she became Captain of the Royal Guard.
That was about 70 years ago, and Undyne managed to successfully become Captain in 50 years, which is impressive for a job that usually takes at least 100 years to acquire and the old captain has to either retire or die before a successor was chosen. Sans has no idea how she convinced the old captain to retire so early, he was only 1000 years old, young for a fire elemental. Granted, if Sans had any say the fire elemental made a better bar owner anyways.
"Oh ya, the party was a real Skelebration alright." Undyne groaned a bit at Sans joke but had a smile on regardless. "But all the kids went home already, it's like 11 pm, and Pap is in bed too. He's well, to say disappointed is about right."
"Oh? Come in and explain what happened. Jasmine tea sound good?" Undyne opened her door a little wider as an invitation for Sans to enter.
"Ya, sounds teariffic." Sans chuckled.
"I swear Sans, those get worse and worse everyday." Undyne said lightly chuckling as she prepared the water for the tea. "So tell me what happened?"
"Well, Papyrus told me who he wanted to apprentice with."
"That's good. Someone in the Royal Guard, I assume."
"You would assume correct."
"The problem?" Undyne set two cups of tea on her kitchen table, which Sans was already sitting at.
"He asked me to train him." There was a pause as Undyne blew off some of the steam coming from her cup and Sans just stared at the cup of golden liquid.
"I see. That is a bit of a problem, isn't it."
"Yeah." Sans rubbed the back of his head in frustration. "I mean it's not a problem if he wants to join the Guard, I would be more than happy if he did -"
"Really?"
"Look I know I kinda got a shit deal, but that in no way means that Papyrus would. He's a good kid, I mean Skeleton, and he's strong, at least stronger that a lot of people he knows at school who also want to join the guard, and he's also fiercely determined. If he wants to be part of the Royal Guard then he should be able to join."
"Nothing against Papyrus, you know I love you two like brothers, but when I was his age I was fighting you in Judgment Hall." Sans knew where this was going. They've been having the same argument ever since she found out Papyrus wanted to join the Royal Guard last year. Not only did she disprove of it based on how King Asgore treated Sans, but also because she ultimately didn't want Papyrus to get hurt and found his attacks lacking power.
"Undyne, you were also originally trying to kill the King. I don't think basing whether Papyrus will be a good addition to the Royal Guard or not is a fair comparison to be making when it comes to your own experience. We've been over this." Sans sighed.
"Maybe, but Sans, you know Asgore has three souls now."
"And not a single monster will be left out of that fight when it comes, Undyne. Whether or not you train Papyrus makes no difference in that regard." If Undyne was taking a sip of her tea at that moment she might have done a spit take. As fate would have it though, she was not but her imitation of a fish out of water was never more convincing.
"Excuse me? Who said anything about me training Papyrus, I thought he asked you."
Sans couldn't help chuckling. "What do you think I told him Undyne?"
"I don't know. That you would think about it?"
"Nah, I said 'No' right away. Nearly broke the kid's heart. Told him that you didn't have any apprentices though. You don't right?"
"What? No, but Sans, I can't train Papyrus."
"Why not?"
"Because, well Sans, it's Papyrus. I just AGH! Why do you gotta do this?! This is hardly fair!" Undyne was standing now, frustrated. Sans kinda understood where she was coming from. Sans put her in a corner. She was the unofficial big sister, the one that was supposed to dote on Papyrus and never tell him 'no' regardless of what it was he was asking for. Sans was supposed to be the one that said 'no' to his ridiculous requests, not her. So this gave her two options, say 'no' when Papyrus came knocking asking for her to train him. Or to potentially hurt her baby brother in training, because while she was his official big sister that did not mean she would take it easy on him if she was serious about training him. "Wait! I got it!"
"Yea?" Sans asked lazily.
"I'll teach him something else!" Undyne snapped her fingers and posed with satisfaction.
"Excuse you?" Sans looked at her confused.
"I know how to cook. I could teach him how to make spaghetti! Then I'm not saying no to training him, it's just not training him on what he wants to be trained in." Undyne looked more than pleased with herself, but Sans looked more than skeptical.
"I'll say this again. Excuse you? You'd rather lie to Paps and teach him how to make spaghetti than actually train him to be a Royal Guard?" Sans said rolling his eyes.
"I won't be lying, Sans."
"Coulda fooled me."
"I'll still be training Papyrus in my trade."
"Cooking is your parents trade, not yours anymore."
"Regardless, by teaching Papyrus to make spaghetti he'll become obsessed with the art of cooking! When that happens he won't want to be part of the Royal Guard anymore. Then we can get Mettaton to teach him some of the more finer points of cooking and he'll become a famous chef! It's perfect!" Undyne was super excited about her master plan. Sans just laughed.
"And when Papyrus asks why he's chopping tomatoes instead of punching a practice dummy what will you say." Sans asked as he reclined in his chair finally drinking some of the now cool tea as he listened to Undyne's plan.
"Building arm strength!" Undyne said flexing her impressive set of guns.
"Of course." Sans said unimpressed. "And when this doesn't work and he still wants to join?"
"I'll tell him your story." Sans was even less impressed with that answer and placed his glass down with a strong rap.
"You will do no such thing." You could always tell when Sans was mad because his eyes went dark.
"When are you going to tell him?" Undyne asked exasperated. "He has the right to know, don't you think?"
"No."
"He wouldn't even think about being part of the Guard if you would just tell him" Undyne said in her own angry voice. This was another age old argument between the two, one that has been going on for as long as they've known each other.
"Never, Undyne. Not if I can help it." They stared each other down from opposite sides of the table for a while before Undyne gave a frustrated huff.
"Fine. I'll just have to convince him that cooking is a major part of learning how to become part of the Royal Guard until he either wants to become a chef or you monster up and tell him the truth." Undyne said not looking at Sans.
"So that's you saying you'll do it then; you'll make Papyrus you apprentice?"
"I guess if I have to." Neither of them were happy at this point. Each having their own frustrations over the topic.
"Great." Sans stood and went to the door.
Undyne couldn't help herself. "You have to tell him one day Sans."
Sans half turned to her so that she could only see his unnaturally blue eye.
"N o. ' t." With that Sans was gone. No even pretending to have opened the door.
Undyne was left standing in her kitchen with a tingling feeling running down her spine. She always felt that Sans could probably creep out the most cold hearted monsters if he really tried. Sighing Undyne went to collect the cups noting that Sans empty cup was warm to the touch.
He was really mad.
Three days later Papyrus was excitedly telling Sans all about his visit with Undyne and how she agreed to train him. Sans couldn't have been happier for his brother.