Title: A Love Strong Enough
Summary: He's loved her a long time. It didn't start out that way, but love can grow. He doesn't thinks she knows, but then, he's always been too much of a coward to tell her. He's heard people say that if you love somebody enough you should fight for them, but he knows that can't always be the case.
Pairings: One sided Renji / Rukia
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, the characters, or the mentioned events. They belong to Kubo Tite.
Neither do I own the verses quoted at the end of this story.
AN: The opinions mentioned in this story are entirely my own. With the approach of Valentine's day, singles awareness day, or even excuse to eat chocolate day if you prefer, I started thinking about the qualities of love. Patients, kindness, does not envy . . . Anyway, I felt that the following story was an appropriate way of expressing my thoughts. I wish everyone, single or not, a very happy Valentine's Day.
9/2/13 – Thank you everyone for the wonderful reviews. I always apriciate hearing what you think.
Published: 2/13/09
Edited: 9/2/13 – spelling and grammar, no major changes.
A Love Strong Enough
Renji hadn't always loved her, but he had always considered her a friend. That, perhaps, was where it all started. She had helped him on the street. Then he and his companions had taken her home. They had divided the stolen goods among them. Renji had insisted they include her in the take. "After all," He had told the other boys, "without her we might have been caught!" It didn't matter that they had never met before, and it didn't matter that he hadn't yet even learned her name. She had come to help him out, and that's what friends did.
He shared what little he had with her, they all had, they shared with all of their companions, but he had always made sure she wasn't forgotten, especially since she would give what little she had away to the first person to need it. He had to take care of her that way, make sure she got something, even if it came from his own portion. Renji wasn't sure when taking care of Rukia became caring for Rukia, but it did. Perhaps that's where the love started, with his desire to take care of her, after all it was easy for him to fall in love with someone he cared for, especially when he didn't try to hold back.
They lived together, worked together, ate together, they were a family. Even as the members of that family disappeared one by one, Renji stayed by her side. It would have been so easy just to leave. So easy to say he had enough and walk away as some of the others had done upon reaching adulthood. What wouldn't have been easy was forgetting. To walk away Renji would have had to forget Rukia's smile, her laugh, her willingness to help those around her, all the adventures they had had together. To walk away Renji would have had to forget whole years of his life. He didn't want to walk away. He wanted to stay by her side. That was why, though he had considered it numerous times on his own, it was Rukia who had to suggest that they leave Hanging Dog. That was why Renji stayed, and waited for her to mention the idea of becoming Soul Reapers. Because becoming a Soul Reaper without Rukia, would have been meaningless.
~:~
He wanted to stay by her side forever, but he knew that wasn't possible. He learned it the hard way, the day Byakuya Kuchiki came to the Academy. Renji had just passed his second exam and was so excited by the news and his desire to tell Rukia, to see the smile on her face, that he burst in upon the Kuchiki's discussion with Rukia. He had no idea what he'd just interrupted, but he learned soon enough. Rukia had an offer to join one of the noble families. Renji had wished he could go as well, so the ruminants of their Hanging Dog family could stay together, but he knew it wasn't possible. Renji also knew that Rukia's only option was to accept the offer. There really was no other choice. Oh she could had stayed with him, enjoyed the ridicule of the other students because they belonged to the seventy-eighth district trash, but that wouldn't be good for her. Rukia could survive the hard life, but she wasn't made for it. Renji had known that the moment he realized she'd given away her precious rock candy. He'd tried to make things easier for her, but he knew he could never do what the Kuchiki family could do.
With them she'd never have to worry about the cruel remarks of other students. She wouldn't have to wonder whether she'd make a squad after graduation. She would always have a warm place to sleep, and never have to worry about the quality of the food she was served. Yes going to be a Kuchiki was the best gift anyone could give her, and Renji knew that all she wanted was his approval. She wanted to know that he would be ok. He wouldn't. Without her he couldn't be, but he forced the joy into his voice and told her what she needed to hear.
She left with Kuchiki Byakuya, it had been what was best. He had wanted to keep her with him, but he knew she needed more stability then he could offer. She could be happy there, safe. That was what mattered.
~:~
He could have no pride in loving someone who didn't return his affection, much less know he even harbored the emotion. Besides, Rukia had never been a prize to him. He had cared only about taking care of her, regardless of whether she ever did anything for him in return. Leaving her with the Kuchiki family was his only option until he could care for her the way she should be cared for. Rukia was happy there. Or at least he was convinced she was happy with her position on the thirteenth squad. As long as she was happy, Renji told himself he could not interfere.
He had always tried to never say anything to her he would regret. Even when she called him an idiot and threw something at his head, or kicked him in the behind. There were days when he wanted to take her by the shoulders, shake her, and shout in her face, "I love you, why can't you see it!" but there was never any circumstance where that would get the right response. If he had done it while they still lived in Hanging Dog she would only have laughed, or possibly thought he was joking with her and stomped away. If he did it now, she might understand he was telling the truth, but that little slip of information could possible turn her new world into chaos, and that was something Renji could never let himself do. If he tried that and the Kuchiki family found out, especially his captain, well Renji would hate to see what Byakuya would do to him for breaching protocol. There was a little fear there as well, not of Byakuya Kuchiki, but of the fact that Rukia might not return the sentiment, and if he moved while she wasn't ready, he might never get a second chance.
He had never told her how he felt, though others knew. Not only was it not appropriate, they were separated by class, but he knew the knowledge would only strain an already shaky relationship. They were no longer children who spent most of their days together. She had a life that could no longer include him. Perhaps it was how Yumichika had put things. It was easier to let something fall apart then it was to hold it together. But then, Renji had never meant to let things fall apart in the first place. He wanted to be there for her, but Rukia was a Kuchiki now, so she could not come to him. Until he obtained sufficient rank it could not be otherwise. If he had tried to keep the relationship Rukia would only believe he felt abandoned. Renji trained endlessly, attempting to gain the strength and stamina to surpass Captain Kuchiki so he could take her back, but it was not to be. He attained the rank of vice-captain, but that was still too far away to be close to Rukia. By then she had left for the material world and he would have to wait for her return.
~:~
It was Renji who found Rukia in the material world. He hated himself afterwards for his behavior; he only hoped she would someday forgive him. He tried to make up for it by giving her encouraging news while she sat alone in her jail cell. He hoped it helped, but while he was encouraging her he was also blaming Ichigo. Rukia had been hurt, and though Renji knew the blame was his own, he had been too much a coward to admit it to himself. It had been his fault, he knew that now, though it had taken a battle with the one he blamed to force him to admit it. Renji'd done a lot of thinking on that one.
He had wanted to save Rukia by himself. He wanted to be the one she ran to when she was troubled, but that's not how things were. He tried to comfort her when she was in that cell awaiting her execution, he tried to do the same when he carried her, running, from the sokyoku hill, but the truth was it was Ichigo Kurosaki that opened his eyes to the actions he should have taken. He'd been wrong. He knew that, he admitted it, and he gave Ichigo the credit. Even when he knew there was a chance it might turn Rukia's attention elsewhere. Renji no longer cared who was responsible for her happiness, though he still hoped it might be him. The point was whether or not Rukia was happy.
~:~
They hadn't fought much since their academy days. Renji had distanced himself too much for that. Truth was it was Ichigo who was responsible for Renji's determination to renew their friendship. Yumichika had been right, Renji had almost let things fall apart after all. Now, though they saw more of each other, they still didn't fight like they used to. Rukia fought with Ichigo more than anyone else.
Oh they still had their own fights, but Renji tried never to say goodnight, or even goodbye angry. He valued her friendship too much to walk away harboring resentment. When they fought he very rarely won, because very rarely was the argument worth hurting her over the victory. Only when his winning ensured her safety. Renji could always count on Ichigo to help him win those. If Rukia was in danger Renji could simply tell Ichigo to get her out of there, Kurosaki would, and that was the end of it. Kurosaki worried about Rukia as Renji did, but Kurosaki was vocal about it, even to the point of being insulting. Renji did worry about her safety, but he knew better then to tell Rukia that, not when such knowledge might keep her from performing to the best of her abilities. And he especially knew better then to start an argument over it. Renji only hoped that when she realized why he did what he did, she would forgive him, as he would forgive her anything.
She still called him an idiot a lot. Usually that comment was followed by a thrown object, and a slap upside the head, or a kick in the rear. Sometimes they hurt, sometimes they didn't, but he didn't keep track. It would happen, what mattered was that they made up afterwards. Oh how he loved the smile that accompanied the look on her face when they decided everything was alright again. Rukia never stayed mad at him long, and while he was sometimes exasperated, annoyed, or even entirely confused by her behavior (what was the point of reading a manga to learn about a culture when you lived with the people in question?) Renji didn't think he'd been truly angry with Rukia in a very long time.
~:~
He hated to see her in pain. When Kaien had died, when she thought Ichigo had too. Even when she learned Kurosaki was alive she blamed herself for his misfortune. When Rukia was in pain he wanted to do everything he could to keep her from hurting, even when it compromised his own position. He'd risked his life to fight her brother, and even gone so far as to encourage her to trust Kurosaki. He was pleased when Rukia finally came to terms with what had happened, when she finally accepted the fact that nobody blamed her. Even if the realization didn't come from him, he was happy simply because she was finally at peace.
He would always protect her. He had proven that again and again. He had become a Soul Reaper because she had suggested it, and because he couldn't leave her to do it alone. He had told her to go with the Kuchiki family because that was what was best for her life. He had given up all ties of association because he didn't want her to feel as if she had abandoned him. He had fought first Ichigo, and then his own Captain believing he was fighting for her. He had even braved the wrath of captain Aizen and refused to set her down. Whatever the cost to himself, his happiness, his job, his life, he would always protect her.
He had to trust that everything would work out as it had been meant to be. Whether he eventually gained the courage to tell her, or whether she found happiness with someone else. He trusted her judgment, though he hoped her judgment would one day match his own. He truly believed she was the only one for him. He loved her. He didn't know if she'd ever figured it out. He'd never told her, except by action, but Renji was convinced that of his feelings, she was oblivious. Did Ichigo love her? Renji didn't know. It was plausible, even possible judging by the boy's actions. Yes he had used the term boy. A hundred-fifty years' experience was enough to justify the use of the term, even if Kurosaki didn't realize it. If Ichigo loved her, Renji could accept it. It certainly explained some of Kurosaki's actions. But the knowledge of Kurosaki's feelings couldn't change his own any more then it could change Rukia's.
Who did Rukia love? Now that was a question. She had never given any indication of romantic attachment to anyone, at least no one who was still alive. If she loved him Renji would truly be the happiest he had ever been, and he would do everything to make sure the same applied to her. If she loved Ichigo . . . He had long decided that if she didn't choose him he would not stand in the way. His interest had always been what was best for her.
If it was what would make her truly happy . . .
His love was strong enough . . .
To let her go.
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 Corinthians 13: 4-7