Part sixty-seven of my RWBY series "Pollination: The Bumblebee and White Rose".
"Qrow!" I call out, with a small hint of optimism in my tone. He isn't shambling as he walks, for once. Maybe I caught him on a dry day. They're so few and far between. Thank the gods he only ever had one kid, he'd have been terrible as a father.
"Glynda!" he warmly greets, throwing his arms out as he steps into the elevator with me. "How's my favorite teacher doing?"
"Flattery will get you nowhere," I scoff as I offer a polite hug. "You seem sober-ish today. What gives?" I wonder as I press the button for the top floor.
Huffing back at me, he snidely remarks, "Not flattery? I wonder what those sexy students use to get alone time in your office," to which I firmly backhand his butt. "Hah! Maybe it's the facial hair. They always have beards growing, don't they!"
"Only those who fancy themselves 'men'," I remark. Come to think of it, it's overwhelmingly women. And evil ex-girlfriends. A slight shiver of regret, fear, and arousal runs up my spine as I recall said evil ex-girlfriend. Thank goodness Ozpin will never find out. "But why are you sober today?" I insist. "It's so unlike you."
"I'm only twenty-nine!" he reminds me, feigning shock. "You can't have known me that long! Besides, it's a special day, what with Oz's super-secret-super-friends club kick-off meeting. I think I should try to make a good first impression. It's not everyone who gets to join the Aveng- I mean, the Leag- I mean... the Guardians of The Planet."
"Keep up the banter, and you'll get more than a copyright strike," I warn him. "It's good you're taking it seriously enough, but just keep your mouth shut when we-"
The door dings, and the elevator opens up to reveal Ozpin's giant, rotating clock office. The gears, weighing literally thousands of pounds, grind against each other with tremendous force.
"Welcome!" Ozpin screams at the top of his lungs, trying to get his voice to project over the horribly loud clock gears grinding away literally just feet above our heads.
"What?!" Qrow screams back as he slaps his hands over his ears. I have to gently push him to leave the elevator, but he manages. The massive clock threatens to pop his eardrums, because it's so big, so loud, and so close to his ears.
"I said- Confound it, Glynda! Can you?!" he begs, using his fingers to perform a snapping motion.
Rolling my eyes, I raise my riding crop, do a fancy little twirl with it, and spit out some sound-dampening magic. I'm quite proficient at using it in my office, when special students have earned my personal attention.
This is why they pay me the big dust chunks. I almost silence the office entirely, reducing the massive clock gears' grinding shrieks down to a gentle clunking above our heads.
"By the gods," Qrow dramatically huffs. "If the rest of your club is that intense, I don't think I'll survive. Maybe Raven had the right idea," he jokes.
"If there's one thing I hate more than cold coffee," Ozpin groans as he motions to the drinks cabinet on his left, "it's quitters, Qrow. Now, help yourself. We're going to be here a while."
"Orientation was my favorite day out of my whole academy career!" Qrow assures Ozpin as he heads for the cabinet. "And don't worry... I'll keep myself sober."
"Oh, just ten drinks for now?" I scoff as I connect Ozpin's scroll to the holo-emitter and start sorting files for our impromptu presentation.
"You know what, Glynda? Just for you, I'll keep it to eight!" he generously assures me as he starts rummaging through the cabinet.
"Well... we have a lot to go over, so help yourself," Ozpin offers as he motions to '1947282955322.(6)'. "That's the newest version I've made," he explains.
"You could just start naming your files," I groan as I open it up in Macrosoft Dull Edge.
Shaking his head, he explains, "That's why I pay you the big dust chunks, among other things."
"I guess you don't pay me to speak my mind," I scoff.
"Keep up the sass, and future audiences won't hear you speak at all," he assures me as he looks back at Qrow. "Now, Qrow, I didn't mean you could read through every label on every-"
"No, no, I know," he assures Ozpin. "I'm just..." He keeps rummaging through the contents, half the bottles being too dusty to read without cleaning. "I'm just... looking for..."
"A twelve-step program?" I suggest.
Shaking his head, he murmurs, "I had scotch with Yang's pancakes this morning..."
"That was nice of her to cook you pancakes," Ozpin remarks, reminiscing about gods know what families he's had in the past. I'm sure they were kind to him. It takes a lot of pain to turn a man so cold to the world.
"...No, she cooked them for Ruby... I just ate them when she went to wake Ruby up..." Qrow explains. "And I had bourbon with my shower... There was some wine in a lady's window I saw as I flew over here... oh, and some student had vodka, so I confiscated it..."
"So, what are you looking for?" Ozpin can't help but wonder, blown away at the man's drunken talent.
I suggest, "A way to not die of liver failure?" as I pull up the map of the kingdom. I see Ozpin still loves his pop art in the design tab. It astounds me how many top-level officials don't know how to make a proper powerpoint.
"Well... I was hoping to have myself a cocktail... something simple," Qrow explains.
"I can whip you up a rum and Schnee Grape Soda Trademarked?" Ozpin offers.
Grunting, Qrow bemoans, "I'm feeling more like a gin and tonic."
A massive rumbling shakes the entire office.
"No!" Ozpin screams, slamming his hands onto the desk. "Stop! Don't say that!"
"Woah, okay!" Qrow hastily agrees as he picks himself up off of the floor. "Sorry! Didn't mean to offend you, sheesh!"
Breathing a heavy sigh of relief, Ozpin nods. "Thank you."
"Maybe, if we don't have gin, I can-"
The rumbling returns, and the entire desk shatters into a million pieces, Thankfully, debris isn't a thing in this universe; everyone would have died by now. Alas, the damage is done, and the clock gears shatter into dust as the giant, floating, blue, nude lady emerges from Ozpin's desk, sexy golden chains dangling all around her.
"You said you put it in a safe place!" I scream at him.
Sputtering, he shakes the harmless debris out of his hair. "I did!"
"Your desk is not a safe place!" I firmly remind him.
"I had the drawer locked!" he screams back at me.
"I am Djinn!" Djinn screams out, yet again. "A being created by the God of Light! To aid humanity in its pursuit of knowledge! I've been graced with the ability to answer three questions every one hundred years! And you're in luck! I am still able to answer all three questions, this era!" she mightily booms, conveniently explaining everything to Qrow, the one new person in the room. "Hiiii, Glynda," she saucily smirks, waving at me.
Waving back, I wink. "Hello, Djinn. You've kept your figure, I see. However do you manage?"
"I'll tell you how I don't do it: getting workouts in my office, haha!" she seductively assures me. "However, if someone were to ask the right question, perhaps things could-"
"Glynda, it is school policy that you don't flirt with beings of supernatural standards. Please adhere to it," Ozpin groans, rubbing his eyes. "Ma'am, if you could just return to your-"
"What are-" Qrow starts to ask before Ozpin can interrupt him with a roof-raising shriek. That is, the roof would jump a bit if it weren't gone right now.
"Do not! Ask her any questions! Don't you dare, Qrow! If I so much as see a 'W' or 'H' at the beginning of your sentence, I am going to turn you into a bird forever!" he threatens, throwing his cane towards Qrow for emphasis.
Eyes widening, Qrow looks amazed and frightened. "Can he do that?!"
"Yes!" Djinn answers.
"He can?!"
"Yes!"
"For real?!"
"Yes! Thank you, come again in 445 SA!" she cheerily announces as she starts to shrink in size to morph back into her lantern state.
Ozpin's eyes are widening so much, I fear he'll pop. If he pops, there goes my cushy job and "benefits" as a sought-after teacher. Realistically, this is as good as life is going to get for me.
"Djinn!" I call out, adding just a bit of sweetener to my tone. To that, she stops. "You and I both know that this is a low move on your part, playing a technicality to your advantage."
"You and I both know that my... 'host' is not as gracious as I would prefer," she reminds me. "I'm sure you're aware... sweet Glynda... that your species has the saying, 'You get what you pay for.' And I think this is only an accurate application for the situation."
Shrugging, I saunter forward, throwing an extra bit of sway into my hips. "Perhaps that can be re-arranged. Maybe I could be your new... caretaker. And I can assure you... I'll take very good care of you."
"Oooh, Glynda," she breathes, towering over me. "I'm afraid that mere words alone cannot convince me. You humans have another expression. Talk, however sweet, is cheap."
Nodding, I suggest, "But words from a trusted... companion weigh more than that of a pretty onlooker. Perhaps, after you've gotten to know me for a while, you might be convinced to... relinquish this technicality and return to our services as a trusted ally? I know you have no use for food... but maybe we can still manage something interesting with whipped cream."
She takes an unnecessary breath. "Oh, Glynda... that does sound lovely. And I'm an adventurous spirit. Very well. Convince your master to transfer me into your... capable hands. You and I can go from there."
I look to Ozpin, who's nearly pulled all his hair out in agony over recent events. He immediately screams, "Yes! Yes! For the love of the gods, yes! Just reset the question limit, please!"
Scoffing, Djinn waves her hand dismissively. "Very well. Three more exchanges have been made available. And now I'm free to join you, Glynda. Be sure to care for me. After all, it takes a woman to know what a woman likes."
"And what do you like, Djinn?" I deliberately ask.
Ozpin screams, ripping the rest of his hair out.
"See this chain on my neck?" she asks, pointing to said chain. Giving it a tug, she murmurs into my ear, "Choke me. Really hard. Like, try to kill me. Oh, and fire. Burn me with fire while you absolutely, utterly strangle me."
I must admit, I'm somewhat shocked, but then again: She is a demi-goddess of sorts. I suppose BDSM is a little tougher on them. "Dinner and a movie first, then we'll see where things go," I suggest to her.
Shrinking down to my size, she nods. "I'm in your hands." Sure enough, her lantern falls right into my hands. "I think we can leave the boys to play superheroes by themselves. Won't you take me out on the town, Glynda? Show a girl a good time?"
"Only if I can ask all sorts of questions to get to know you," I tempt as I saunter my way to the elevator.
Laughing, she wraps a hand around my cheek. "Only for you Glynda. But that first one will still cost you, I'm afraid."
Chuckling, I explain, "I think two questions is better than zero." Hitting the first floor button, I call back, "Isn't that right, Ozpin!"
As the doors roll shut, I just barely manage to hear him groan, "Confound it, Qrow!"