It was another beautiful day, and Jimmy and his other second grade friends were on his third grade friends Ted, Max and Jenny were on the playground. It was recess, and they were playing a game Jimmy made up, called Pirate Basketball. Now Jimmy and his friends loved pirates and they loved basketball, so Jimmy found a way to combine them both together, and his friends loved it. Jimmy was about to make a killer shot, when suddenly, he notice someone coming outside.
"Hey guys!" Jimmy said to his friends. "Look, it's the new kid, Mrs. Griffin introduced to us to this morning."
The kids name was Manny Sanchez. He and his family had moved all the way from Kansas. He had only been in Jimmy's school for an entire morning, and he didn't really talk to anyone, so Jimmy and friends honestly didn't know what to expect.
"Why do you think he's standing there all by himself." Said Ted. "Doesn't he have any friends?"
"Probably not." Jenny replied. "If he did, he would probably be with them now, and besides, he just moved here, remember?"
"Well, maybe we should invite him to play with us." Said Jimmy. "That's what a good friend would do."
Jimmy's friends agreed and so they went to Manny to introduce themselves.
"Hi, Manny!" Jimmy greeted. "My name is Jimmy, and this is Ted, Jenny and Max!"
Ted, Jenny and Max all said "hi" to Manny. He said "hi" back, but very fully.
"Do you wanna play with us?" Asked Jenny.
"Yeah, we're playing Pirate Basketball!" Said Ted. "It's just like regular basketball."
"Except, every time you shoot the ball," Max finished. "You have to say "Argh, argh, mateys!", like a pirate.
"Nah," Said Manny, sounding way more confident. "I know a much better game we can play. It's called Ranking.
"Spanking?" Said Jimmy, confused. "I don't really like spankings, especially when I'm the one getting them."
"No, not Spanking, Ranking!" Manny clarified. "Everyone takes turns, saying mean things to each other."
"But, why should we say mean things to each other?" Asked Max.
"Because," Said Manny. "Whoever says the meanest things wins!"
"What kind of a game is that?" Asked Jenny.
"It's a really fun game." Said Manny.
"No, saying mean things isn't fun." Said Jimmy. "That's only fun if you're a grouch, which none of us are. Let's play Pirate Basketball instead. Argh, argh, mateeeeeeeeys…"
Jimmy attempted to shoot the ball into the hoop, but he missed, and the ball rolled away.
"Okay, now let's play Ranking." Said Manny. "I'll start. You shoot like a peanut head! Your turn. Say something mean back to me."
Jimmy tried, but he couldn't think of anything. "Um, uh…. I don't know what to say."
Manny laughed. "That because you're a poo-poo diaper baby!"
Before Jimmy could say anything else, the bell rang, which meant the kids had to go back to class, but not Manny spoke to him.
"I'll be back to play Ranking with you tomorrow! You better think of some mean things to say, peanut head!"
Jimmy was really nervous after that. He turned to his right and spoke like he was talking to someone.
"Okay," he said. "I know what you're thinking: "Wow, Jimmy, that sure was scary! You must be really nervous! And, you'd be right. I don't any mean things to say to Manny, but luckily, I know someone who just might be able to help me."
So after school, Jimmy went straight to Oscar's trash can and knocked on it.
"Oscar! Oscar!" Said Jimmy as he kept on knocking.
"Who is it?!" Oscar said crankily, as he rose up from his can. Then he noticed Jimmy. "Oh. It's only you, Jimmy. What do you want?"
"Hi, Oscar." Jimmy said. "I really need your help with something."
"Well, I can tell you right now, you've come to the wrong place." Oscar said immediately. "Grouches don't like helping people."
"But, it's something only you can help me with." Said Jimmy. "You see, I have this game at school tomorrow, where we say mean things to each other. And I figured since you're a grouch, you say mean things all the time. So, I was wondering if you could teach me some mean things I could say."
After Jimmy said that, Oscar quickly changed his mind. "Oh, well why didn't you just say so?!" He said. "Yeah sure, I can teach you how to say mean things."
"Yay!" Said Jimmy with excitement.
"But first," Oscar added. "I need to know what I'm working with. So, I want you to say something mean to me."
Jimmy gulped. He really couldn't think of that many mean things to say, so the first thing that he said was: "Um… You're… Mushy!"
Oscar looked unimpressed. "Mushy?" He asked. "Really? That's the best you can do? Try again."
"Um, okay." Said Jimmy, as he got ready to try again. "Uh, Your… head is mushy!"
Oscar was still unimpressed. "That's the same thing! Say something else!"
So Jimmy tried again. "Um, you're a… a banana!"
Oscar just stared for a while and then he facepalmed. "Oh boy." He said. "I've got my work cut out for me. Okay Jimmy, it's clear that we have to start from square one. You better take some notes."
Jimmy did what Oscar told him to do, and got out a pencil and a notepad. So, Oscar began to teach Jimmy about how to properly say mean things. Jimmy took down lots of notes, and by the time Oscar was finished, Jimmy was pretty certain, he'd got the hang of things. Now he just needed to put it to the test. After Jimmy said goodbye to Oscar, he went over to Hooper's Store, where a lot of his friends were. Alan was just wiping down the counter, Gina and Maria were talking to each other, Gordon was reading his newspaper, Elmo was drinking a juice box, Big Bird was drinking a birdseed milkshake, and Cookie Monster wa eating a, yep, you guessed it, cookie. Jimmy came in and he and his friends said "hello" to each other.
"OK guys," Jimmy asked. "I need your honest opinion, how mean does this sound?" He cleared his throat and said out loud. "You're a big skinny turkey, with a bald head!"
Everyone flinched back in surprise.
"Um, wow, Jimmy." Gina started to say. "That was actually pretty mean."
"Yeah," Agreed Big Bird. "Very mean."
"Really?" Said Jimmy. "Yes! That means I'm doing good."
"Uh, Jimmy?" Asked Alan. "This may sound like a weird question, but why are you trying to be mean?"
"Well," Began Jimmy, as he sat down. "I have to say mean things, because I have to play Ranking tomorrow, with this kid named Manny."
"Ranking?" Said Elmo confused. "What's Ranking?"
"Apparently, it's this game where you take turns saying mean things to each other." Explained Jimmy. "And whoever says the meanest things wins."
"What kind of a game is that?" Asked Maria and Gina simultaneously.
"I don't know." Said Jimmy. "That's the same thing Jenny asked Manny. He said it was really fun."
"Well gee," Said Big Bird. "That doesn't sound like fun."
"Yeah, it's not Big Bird." Said Jimmy. "And I don't want to say mean things, but I have no choice."
Gordon looked up from his newspaper and chuckled. "No Jimmy," He said. "You certainly have a choice."
"Wait, how does Gordon know that?" Asked Elmo.
"Because, I know what Ranking is." Gordon replied.
"You do?" Said everyone, in surprise.
"Yeah," Gordon went on. "In fact, we used to call it "Playing the Dozens" when I was growing up, and I won every time, without ever having to think of one mean thing to say."
Jimmy gasped. "Really?!" He said scooting closer to Gordon, with wonder. "How'd you do it?"
"Well, nothing the other kids said was true," Gordon said. "So everytime someone said something mean, I just said "So?"."
"So?" Repeated everyone else.
"That it?" Asked Cookie Monster.
"Yes. Gordon replied. "So."
"Well, I definitely have say more than "so"." Jimmy sighed. "Manny said I was a peanut head."
"Well, you're not a peanut head, are you?" Asked Gordon.
Just then Cookie Monster gave a big lick on Jimmy's head.
"Nope." Said Cookie Monster, as he smacked his lips. "That definitely not peanut."
"Cookie!" Said Maria, scoldingly.
"What?" Asked Cookie Monster. "Me was just speculating!"
"Yeah, what Cookie said." Said Jimmy. "I'm not a peanut head."
"Well then," Said Gordon. "All you have to say is "So?".
"But he also said I was a poo-poo diaper baby!" Said Jimmy.
"Well is that true?" Asked Gordon. "Are you a poo-poo diaper baby?"
Jimmy checked. He didn't wear diapers, he didn't poop his pants, and he wasn't a baby. So he said, "No."
"And did he hurt your feelings or make you cry?" Asked Gordon?
"Well, no, not really." Said Jimmy. "In fact, now that I think about it some more, it was actually kinda funny."
"Well then," Gordon replied. "All you have to say is "so"."
Jimmy gasped, in realization. "Then I don't have to say any mean things!"
"Right!" Said Gordon, getting up. "That's what I'm talking about!"
"So?" Jimmy said.
"So?" Gordon said back.
"So!" Said Elmo.
And everyone in Hooper's burst out laughing. Pretty soon, they all started saying "so" to each other, laughing nonstop. Jimmy went back to his apartment, happy, knowing that he would soon have Manny beat.
The next day, Manny was on the playground at recess playing Ranking with Jimmy's friends. Well, Jimmy friends weren't really playing, they were just standing there, while Manny said mean things to him.
"Your hair is so black, that you must wash it with tar!" Manny said to Ted. "Now, it's your turn! Say something mean, back to me!"
Ted tried, but he couldn't think of anything.
"Um… I can't think of anything?" Ted told Manny.
"Ugh! You guys are pathetic!" Manny groaned. "You can't even think of anything mean to say!
Just then Jimmy walked up.
"Hello!" Jimmy said brightly to Manny.
As soon as Manny saw Jimmy he started Ranking. "You smell like an old egg salad!" He said to Jimmy.
Jimmy was nervous, but then he remembered what Gordon had told him.
"Um… So?" Jimmy said at last.
"Well, you're a goofball that looks like a slimy slug!" Said Manny.
"So?" Said Jimmy, starting to smile.
"You're a teacher's pet with bugs on your head!" Said Manny.
"So?" Said Jimmy, who was now giggling.
"No!" Said Manny, who was getting frustrated. "You have call me dog breath or creepy crawler! Or tell me I'm a stinky cheese!"
Well, at this point, Jimmy couldn't help, but burst out into laughter, and Ted, Jenny and Max started laughing too.
"No, you're supposed to get mad!" Manny cried. "You're supposed to be crying! Why are you laughing?!"
"Because, it's funny!" Jimmy said in between laughing.
After this, Manny knew he couldn't fight anymore, so he just gave up, and walked away. But before Jimmy could show concern, his friends crowded around him, and congratulated him.
"Wow, you did it, Jimmy!" Congratulated Jenny. "Great job!"
"Yeah!" Said Ted. "You beat Manny without even having to say anything mean!"
"But, why did you keep on saying "so, so, so" all the time?" Asked Ma x.
"Because nothing Manny said was true." Explained Jimmy. "And he didn't hurt my feelings or make me cry. So I knew all I had to say was "so"."
"So!" Said Jimmy's friends.
"Yeah, that's what I'm talking about!" Said Jimmy. "Now, come on, guys, let's play some Pirate Basketball!"
Jimmy's friends all agreed and they went over to court to start playing.
After school, Jimmy and his friends were walking home, when Jimmy noticed Manny was walking home alone . Jimmy felt sorry for him, so he decided to go talk to him. "I'll be right back, you guys." Jimmy told his friends before going over to Manny and saying "Manny, are you okay?"
Manny sighed. "Look Jimmy, I'm really sorry for being mean to you."
"Aw, it's okay, Manny." Jimmy said. "You were actually pretty funny."
"Y-You mean you're not mad?" Asked Manny.
"No, I'm not." Assured Jimmy. "Because nothing you said was true and you didn't hurt my feelings or make me cry."
"Thanks, Jimmy." Said Manny. "Friends?"
"Friends." Said Jimmy, as they shook hands. "Hey, you wanna come with us? We were just heading over to Ted and Jenny's House, to have cookies and play pirates. You could be the funny pirate."
"Yeah!" Said Manny. "I'll say funny pirate things!"
"And I'll say mean pirate things!" Said Jimmy.
"And I'll say "so?"." Said Manny, and the two burst out laughing and headed back to where the others were.
"Oh, by the way," Said Jimmy, as they were walking. "If you ever want to play Ranking again, I know someone who would love to play with you."
"Thanks, but no thanks." Said Manny. "I think I'm done with that game."
"Oh, okay." Said Jimmy. "That's probably a good idea."
And so the two new friends headed back to play pirates together.
THE END