It happened in a moment, in a second, I remember his face smiling big as he saw me then turning into a scream.
There was blinding pain, something sharp in my back and then there was nothing but light.
For the longest time Dean told me it wasn't real, the pearly gates and the singing angels, and for the longest time I would block him out and went down on both knees and prayed.
Prayed for Dean, for everyone that I loved and I felt that sometimes it worked that something or someone reached out a hand and saved us.
As I look at the face before me I know that I was right.
1.
"Jess?"
It took one small thing to prove it was her, one smile sweet and short hair falling over her pink lips.
Tears began to pool and fall over my cheeks as I looked at someone who I'd lost so long ago that I was beginning to lose her face in my memories. But there she was, face clear as a bell, smiling at me, an angel.
I brought my finger tips up to her cheek, slowly afraid if I touched her she would fade away to nothing that it was just a cruel joke.
"I miss you so much."
"Sam, you don't have to miss anymore, don't feel any guilt over my death, it wasn't your fault. Remember I love you."
Then she was gone, back into the light where I would be going soon with her hand and hand.
2.
There she was angel with blond hair framing her face, a face I only know from pictures and the words of others.
Finally it was my turn to see what they spoke of, those eyes, that smile that was just for me. I had only seen her once, and then she was gone in a second, in a moment and now I had all the time in the world to see her.
"Mom?"
"Yes it's me, Sammy. You're so old, such sad eyes, don't be sad, I'm here."
I saw her, her eyes beginning to brim over with tears, happy tears, and proud tears. I was at it again, tears big and wet rolling down my cheeks, what a pansy.
"I heard so many whispers that you had turned on your brother and the world, but just looking in your eyes tells me they were nothing but lies."
A kiss on the forehead, comforting a child something I hadn't gotten just a gun in my hand a few gruff words. It was so nice, something that turned me back into a child all over again.
"Watch over him, he needs you more now then ever."
She was gone, just a lingering kiss.
3.
Someone I remember, someone I cried big tears streaking down my cheeks for.
Long back hair and eyes full of a fire that I put out with one single bullet. Smiling at her killer, it hurt just to look at her, remembering her kiss, her scream before she died.
Sometimes I wish that the scratch had left a scar a reminder of her and what I did.
"I-I'm so sorry, Madison I had too."
A smile big and sad, looking at me like a lover would.
"Of course, I know that, Sam. It's not your fault it's his, the one that bit me. I love you more then I could ever say."
One day filled love and kisses, one day of her that's all I ever got. Fate is a cruel thing.
4.
They all disappeared, waiting for me on the other side, them and their loving smiles. Waiting for me to let go of everyone and everything and come with them holding hands.
But I see him, smirk gone replaced by a frown and sad eyes that look for me. His words fill me up, I can hear them.
His voice was shaking, tears filling his eyes but never really falling, the first time I've never since my brother cry and it had to be about me.
"When you were little, couldn't have been more than five, you just started asking questions. How come we didn't have a mom? Why did we always have to move around? Where's Dad. I remember I begged you. 'Quit asking, Sammy. You don't want to know.' I just wanted you to be a kid. Just for a little while longer. Always tried to protect you. Keep you safe. Dad didn't even have to tell me.
It's just always my responsibility, you know? It's like I had one job. I had one job, and I screwed it up. I blew it, and for that, I'm sorry. I guess that's what I do. I let down the people I love.
Y'know, I let Dad down, and now I guess I'm just supposed to let you down, too. How can I? How am I supposed to live with that? What am I supposed to do? Sammy? What am I supposed to do?"
It felt like the wind was pulled from lungs and someone finally knocked me out of this dream world.
Why the hell would I want to go, leave and never come back?
Sure I get three people I love back, but I leave the one and only person I love the most, the one that always pulled me back from the edge kept me alive this long.
How could I forget Dean, it hurts everything in me to see him in this much pain, I thought I would be the one crying and saying how much I wanted Dean back, not the other way around.
Don't you worry Dean; soon, soon I'll be home ready to ride in the car and save the world one step at a time.
I'm coming home, just you wait.