Grace is laying on her bed, holding a pillow to her chest when Zig comes moping through the patio door and into her room. He sighs heavily and and flops down onto the bed next to her, ignoring her protesting groan.
"Don't you have somewhere to be Novak?" Grace mumbles into the soft pillow case.
"No. Maya doesn't want to talk to me." Zig replies.
Grace doesn't respond, rolling her eyes.
"Hey!" Zig says rolling over and propping himself up on his elbow. He rests his chin on her shoulder and she resents the fluttering in her stomach. Zig will never like you like that she tells herself. Besides, he's a horndog and I deserve better. "I can feel your eye rolling and I don't appreciate it. My winter break sucks. And I don't have anyone except you."
Grace rolls over and hits Zig in the face with her pillow. "Good to know I'm a last resort, asshole." She sits up and he looks up at her indignantly, flat on his back with the pillow in his hands.
"I didn't say that. That's not what I meant, Grace." Zig says sitting up.
"Go hang out with Tiny."
"I don't want to hang out with Tiny. I want to hang out with you."
"Because Tiny has a girlfriend." It's not a question, it's a fact.
"No, because I want to spend time with you. Ever since you and Zoe became friends, I've barely seen you." Zig says, putting on his puppy dog eyes.
"Well, we're not friends anymore." Grace says, crossing her legs. Criss cross applesauce she says in her head, remembering the rhyme.
"Which leaves you wide open, right? So it's just me and you." Zig says triumphantly.
"Or you could just go join Zoe." Grace says, deadpan. "Go for a walk in the woods."
"Grace..." Zig says gently. "I was so stupid."
"Yeah, damn right you were. You broke your girlfriend's heart and m-" Grace stops before she can get the word out. Mine. You broke my heart.
"And what?" Zig says, his eyebrows furrowed.
"Nothing." Says Grace. "But isn't that enough?"
"I never meant to hurt anyone. It was so stupid of me. I let my jealousy and anger get to me because I was afraid of losing Maya. And now I have. And it's my own fault. She deserves better." Everything inside him seems to deflate and Grace softens slightly. "You're right. I should go." Zig mumbles.
"Sit down, Novak." Graces grumbles, tugging on the hem of his shirt as he stands. He obeys, sitting down next to her again. "I'm sorry I've been hard on you. I'm proud of you for owning up to your mistakes and trying to make things right."
Zig smiles at her. "Does that mean we can hang out?"
Graces rolls her eyes and fights the smile behind her lips. "I guess."
"Okay, red or blue?" Zig asks.
"Blue, duh." Grace says, shoving his shoulder and taking the controller away from him.
"Fine! Do you have to be so aggressive?" Zig teases. He can't help but smile, his dimples deepening. Grace hates the little flip her belly does.
"Grace!" Mrs. Cardinal shouts.
Before she can say anything else, Grace leaps up and walks briskly out the door, leaving Zig holding the two X-Box controllers in his hands.
"What? Zig is here." Grace says. She can feel a cough working it's way into her throat. She tries desperately to hold it in, but can't. She coughs, hard, into her hand and feels blood coat her fingers. She walks to the sink, her eyes watering and washes her hands.
"You need to use your nebulizer. You haven't been using it and the infection will only get worse the longer you neglect to use it. You know that, Grace." Her mom says, rubbing her back.
"I'll do it after Zig leaves." Grace says, turning away, but her mother catches her.
"You need to do it now. This isn't something you should be ashamed of. What's wrong with letting your friends support you?"
"You don't understand, mom. I'm dying. But, I don't want anyone to treat me like I'm already dead." Grace walks away, leaving her mother standing alone.
"Hey, Zig, on second thought, I'm not really feeling up to playing today. I've got a headache." Grace says, walking back into her room. Zig frowns for a moment, but takes her word, telling her he'll see her tomorrow before leaving out the side door to the patio.
Grace spends the night coughing, trying to breathe in the antibiotics served to her through a tube, the steam hot and thick in her mouth.
Grace brushes her teeth thoroughly after using the nebulizer treatments, resigned to the fact that her teeth will always stain from the blood that pools in her mouth when her lungs decide to give out on her. Zig's waiting in the living room so they can practice tai chi together. Grace won't say it, but having him there while she practices leaves her calmer and more centered than when she is alone. When they're done, they both lay down on the carpet and look up at the moving fan above them. Their bodies are so close, but Grace pretends not to notice. She looks over to see Zig lying with his eyes closed, breathing deeply. She envies the whooshing noise in his chest as the air easily travels in and out of his body. Tears prick her eyes then. Because she can never be like Zig. And she can never be with Zig, not like that. Even if he did like her, it was unfair to start something that Grace would never finish. She wouldn't be around long enough. Death was biding its time waiting for her to slip up and give in. And she didn't want to drag anyone else under in the process. No relationships. No collateral damage. Her mind flits to Zoe and guilt twists her gut.
"Whatcha thinking about, G?" She turns to see Zig looking at her. His eyes are a bright, crystalline blue and his hair is an inky black. The cold winter light coming through the window makes them both look like they've frosted over.
"Nothing." Grace stammers. Zig doesn't miss the blip in her speech.
"Uh, huh. Then why do you look like you're constipated?" Zig says, raising his eyebrows.
"Oh my god, shut up, Novak." Grace says. She rolls over and punches him firmly in his muscular arm.
"Hey, this is a relaxation exercise! No punching!" Zig says. He rolls over to face Grace. "Close your eyes. Breathe deeply. Relax, young grasshopper."
Grace closes her eyes, but not before saying, "Oh my god. I'm the one who got you into this. You're the grasshopper."
"Don't hate, Grace. Just relax." He says and she can hear the smirk in his voice.
She lays there and breathes as evenly as she can, feeling better than she was a few days ago. She's terrified that one day she won't feel better. Ever. Suddenly she can't relax. There are so many things that she wants to do and she may never get the chance to do them. This weight of the unknown settles onto her chest like a stone and she says something she almost wishes she could slurp back into her mouth and swallow.
"We should go on a road trip."
"Huh?"
Grace sits up. "A road trip. Me and you."
"What, like, after we graduate?" Zig asks, sitting up.
"No. Like right now. Tomorrow." Grace says. She hopes she doesn't sound as desperate as she feels.
"Grace, I like where you're going with this, but did I accidentally hit you in the head? You're not that spontaneous." Zig says with a grin.
"You're right, it's dumb. I just thought maybe it would help take your mind off Maya." Grace says. It's not a lie, but it's not the full truth either.
"No, Grace...I like the idea of a road trip with you. What would we do for a car? Where would we stay?" Zig asks.
"I can drive my mom's jeep. If we sleep in the back of the car we won't have to stay in hotels." Grace says, surprised that this suggestion is going anywhere. "I've been saving some money so that will cover some of the costs."
"I've got money saved up from working in the restaurant." Zig replies, the ghost of a grin on his lips. "Shouldn't you ask your mom though? She's kind of strict about that kind of stuff."
"She'll be fine with it. It's with you. Don't worry about it." Grace says, looking away. "So, are you in, Novak?"
Zig looks at her, thinking, then he sticks out his hand for Grace to shake. "Yes, Grace Cardinal, I'm all in."