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June 1st

I'm going to write this for as long as I can. I don't have a lot of time tonight and this whole idea isn't well thought out, not at all. I came to this decision to write this stuff down, what I'm going through down, about an hour ago as I watched Todd… I dunno… I just feel as if I should write this down for people can understand my actions, not to make excuses, just to try to explain myself… if I don't ever get the chance to tell you all face to face.

I guess I should start off with the basics, the boring stuff if you're actually reading this you are likely already are aware of. My name is Victoria Vega, Tori Vega. I'm writing this, four days after my eighteenth birthday, in a spiral notebook I found in a box of my things.

I think I also want to start this off with apologies. I want to apologize to my mom and Trina. I've been pretty rotten these last few months, huh? I've yelled some awful things, worried you a lot, and for that I'm sorry, so sorry. I want to apologize to my friends… my old friends, my Hollywood Arts friends, my true friends. I'm sorry for blowing you off, saying mean, nasty things, stealing and lying. I'm sorry.

Most of all I'm sorry to you Beck Oliver, I want to say I'm sorry for lying to you. I want to say you were absolutely right, all those words you yelled at me a few days ago, you weren't wrong. I'm sorry I pretended that your tears didn't affect me. I'm sorry that you feel that my change was because of you. It wasn't, you have to believe me; it wasn't because of you. It was all me. I made my own choices, made my own bed.

Now, I guess I should start to explain. It began seven months ago… no it began before that actually, but everything crumbled seven months ago. Mom, you were having an affair with Gary. You didn't even try to hide it. While my dad was gone you would text him, invite him over for dinner. Why mom? Do you have any idea how angry I was about that, how torn. You put me in a place I didn't belong. Should I tell dad? That thought was repeated inside my head so many times, all day, all night, it was eating me up. I was consumed by guilt. How weren't you? Trina you seemed oblivious, but you weren't I could tell. When Gary would come by you would amp up your obnoxiousness. You tried to drive him away.

That was the months before everything changed. Seven months ago, dad found out about the affair, I remember it vividly.

I was in a rush as I came home from school; I was supposed to meet Andre at Cat's place for an assignment. Cat had been complaining about how no one ever came to her house for projects and to hang out. Anyway, you two were in the living room, facing off staring at each other faces tight, and then you both had looked away when I entered. Trying to pretend everything was fine. I had thrown my bag onto the couch, noticing a stack of papers sitting on the coffee table.

"Is everything alright?" I had asked, looking between you two and the coffee table. The tension was so thick; I remember how thick it was. Dad's hands had balled and his jaw had clenched, returning his eyes to you mom. Then I had noticed his bleeding lip and bleeding fist. Who had he hit? I had wondered. Who had it him? Gary, I had later found out.

You looked frazzled, upset, but… in a way relieved. You were happy you didn't have to hide your secret anymore.

"Everything is fine, Tori." Mom had said, she had tried to smile at me. "You think you can leave the house for a couple of hours? Your father and I have to discuss something."

I had started to feel ill by then, understanding what was going on. Understanding why dad looked so angry and you looked relieved. I had wanted to say something then, yell at you both to get over yourselves, to not break up our family, but instead all I said was, "I'm meeting up with Andre and Cat at her place."

I had moved towards our stairs to change cloths, pausing at the bottom my hand on the wooden railing. I had looked back at you both; you both were glaring at each other again.

The argument had begun back up before I could get out of the house, beginning in harsh whispers and then growing into loudly enraged yells.

How could you do this?

I love him!

I had slid from the house, moving unseen by you both as I left. I had pretended it had never happened.

Your divorce had been clean a quick, dad didn't want anything, no, he wanted you mom. He wanted you, but he couldn't have you. He let you have the house, the cars, everything. It was hard those few weeks, for Trina and I. Trina never really cried much, but those weeks she would come into my room and we would cry together, holding each other like we had when I was eight and she was nine and we had watched a horror movie.

Trina got over it quicker than I did. Though I think I hid it well, I couldn't handle the fact that I never saw dad anymore that it was like he honestly didn't want to see me. He was angry at me. I wasn't at all ready to see Gary one morning only a week after coming out of the bed room you had shared with dad. I couldn't handle that, mom. I hated you for that.

Then, you were eloped. I screamed at you, called you stupid. "How could you do this?" I had cried. "You leave, you can't be here! This is my dad's house!" I had yelled at Gary.

You had stepped in front of him and looked at me as if I had done wrong. You protected him from me.

"Tell me when can I be happy, Tori?" You had screamed, tears rolling down your cheeks. "When will it be my turn?" I didn't understand. I still don't. "You girls are nearly grown now, let me be happy!"

I had left then, screaming so loudly it hurt as I stormed from the house. That night I was called home. You had news for me. It was about my dad… my dad…

I'm getting tear stains all over and it's smudging the ink, damn.

Dad… He had gotten shot by a man when investigating a case. Mom, you bawled. You wailed like you were truly heartbroken as you held on to your new husband. Trina had collapsed, making weird noises and sucking in air. Me… I had stood there, numb.

I always thought in a weird way you were involved, mom. Not in that you actually had anything to do with it, only that you seemed to wish it with your mind, to make things easier for Gary who it was awkward for. He having to go to work with the man whose wife he had stolen.

I had left. I don't actually remember how I left, I don't even remember when. All I remember is banging frantically on the metal door of a familiar RV. Why had I gone there? I dunno…

No, that's a lie. I can tell you why I had gone to Beck and not any of my others friends, and that's because I didn't care anymore. I didn't care about not being a bad friend to Jade. I didn't care about being rejected. I didn't care that it was wrong. I needed him, I needed Beck.

I…

I have to go now. Todd's back and he wants me in bed, I better go.

- Tori V.

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