I can't help but think there's a completely different conversation going on between us, the feelings I have for you, could the other Spock understand...? Maybe in another universe, we're having this same conversation, but it's going so very differently. I lift my tear streaked face to your impassive one, going on tiptoe as I rest my hands on your shoulders. This would be the last kiss I give him.
In that other universe, my heart isn't breaking and my body isn't aching from the battering it had just been through. I knew that as soon as I walked away and out that door, Uhura would be waiting for you. She'd never known what was between us, now she never would, not that there was ever anything of true importance. At least not to you. I just wish you'd give me a minute, let me think of what to say, I can't let this end in such disgrace. But... This is the end, I'm leaving the Enterprise. You're gonna be her Captain from now on, not that you know that yet. No one aside from Number One, who was Pike's widow, and the remaining Admirals knew what I'd done. What I'd chosen. I think they just chose to believe that I needed the time away, that they hadn't put a black mark in my record, saying that it was medically advisable after what I'd gone through.
I can just see Spock Prime and Kirk, here I can't help but smile bitterly, me old? Dancing here in these same quarters, the stars their only light as they swayed to a waltz only they could hear. I glance up at you as I land flat on my feet once more, the tears pooling in my eyes, only to catch you looking at me. I shrug and step away. There's nothing to be said.
"Guess this is good-bye Spock..." I sighed out as I walked to the doors of the half-Vulcans quarters. I hardly spared a glance around, I knew this room like the back of my hand, I'd spent as many hours there as I had in my own or on the Bridge. I was just so very tired of being a fighter. There wasn't much he could do anymore, Spock had made his choice long before they had ever met, or even known of their connection as t'hy'la. Not that it mattered. Spock was choosing to ignore it and damn the consequences of them, him, suffering.
Spock said nothing as he reached the door, it hissing open as he did so. The cool air from the corridor sparing him the almost oppressive heat of his now ex-First Officers room. Again, not that anyone knew that. It would come as a shock tomorrow when the announcement was made. I'd also been right, Uhura was in the corridor waiting to talk to her boyfriend. I could hardly begrudge her, or him the happiness. Not that he'd have it for long if what I knew of t'hy'la was correct.
I shrugged and let her pass me by. My things had slowly been squirreled away over the last few weeks. The Enterprise was grounded for now, undergoing some repairs. I guess that was the hazard of being the flagship for the Federation. We were sent into the most dangerous and downright unusual situations. I'd miss those. But... I was doing what was best for me. I'd disappear into the unknown, and be forgotten. Maybe I'd reconnect with a few others of the Tarsus Nine.
That brought a smile to my face as I wandered the halls and corridors of the Enterprise letting my hands trail along her pristine beauty. This was my farewell to the leading lady in my life, the one who had taken me where no other could, the one who had never failed me. Everyone... Everyone left me at some point, whether because they realized just what a failure I was, or to the darkness that was death. Bones should have just left me dead. Maybe then I wouldn't be in this situation. No wait, I still would be, I'd still be in love with my First Officer. Who was not only half-Vulcan, but was currently in a committed and quite serious relationship with my Communications Officer. Both of whom were part of the Command Crew.
In my wanderings, I came to the transporter room. Seeing it was Scotty on duty, I waved at him before stepping on the pad. He looked at me questioningly, while I just smiled at him softly. "One to beam down to Earth, Scotty." He smiled back at me, out of all of them, he was the one who suspected anything was up. Only him, I was surprised Bones hadn't figured anything out yet. But he would. Then there would be hell to pay. Thankfully, I'd already be gone, long gone. Even if the entire Bridge Crew put their formidable minds to the task of finding me, they wouldn't. Not unless I slipped up or I let them find me.
Before he finished the process, he looked me in the eye and said, "This isn't good-bye Cap'n. We'll be seeing ye, this is just... A reprieve for ye. I'll try and keep 'er in good c'ndition fer ye." His Scottish accent grew heavier as he spoke, showing just how upset he was as the best Captain, the only Captain he wanted to serve under was leaving. Leaving without saying a word to anyone else. I loved how he wasn't calling me all kinds of coward. I deserved it, after all, I was running from my problems, rather than facing them.
All I could do was nod at Scotty. With that he finished punching in the sequence, sending my bodily particles to earth. Where I was met with a hug and whispers of "We love you, always JT." Pulling away, I laughed until I had tears running down my cheeks and dripping from my chin. It was Kevin, Kev to me and all the rest of the Tarsus Nine. The kids I'd loved and rescued. Taught and protected. This was my true family, and here I'd thought I'd made one on the Enterprise with the Command Crew. But god, this was my family, right here. Number One had apparently called them to meet him, even arranging for a few to travel from other planets to be here.
Speaking of her... There she was, leaning against the wall with a smirk and a small wave of her fingers as she slipped away. The bastard had known what I'd needed. She was almost as psychic as Bones was someday's, even as psychically null as they both were. I sobbed out a laugh once more as I was enveloped from all sides by those I loved and who loved me in return.
"C'mon JT, let's get you some food and then we're off on our own adventure, just us again! We'll be your crew, and you our Captain. Almost like old times, only now..." Here Kev grinned, "We'll be able to protect you too!" Now if only the ache where the Command Crew, Spock especially, resided would only ease... As I would discover, the ache only got worse, but we'll get to that in time.
Even with the hole where the Command Crew resided, I couldn't help the almost painful thud my heart gave, I'd miss the Enterprise, the pain of losing her mimicking the ache of a missing limb. But with these people, these foolish, darling, brave people I'd called family from the moment I'd saved them, I'd become whole once more. Or at least I'd try. As whole as the gaping spot where a certain half-Vulcan First Officer turned Captain as of... Now, as I glanced at the time showed, should be, I shrugged letting my family tug me to and fro as we meandered from the room. I doubted that Spock or any of the crew would be down anytime soon, they'd be too busy searching the Enterprise for me, hoping that it was all just some horrible misplaced joke that I was playing. But this time, the joke was on them, because it was all truth.
As Jim Kirk left the Enterprise, a completely different conversation was going on in Spock's quarters. He was effectively ending Uhura's and his relationship. He couldn't continue on with it, even if his feelings for her had been strong enough, he couldn't forget the wounded eyes of his t'hy'la, thus it was only logical to end things and try and fix them with Jim.
All he could think of was Jim. His heart was crying out, Jim, Jim, Jim! How he wished he could feel his t'hy'la's smooth skin beneath his fingertips, blue eyes wide with delight as his lips were parted in pleasure. He couldn't believe he hadn't asked just for that one minute, one more minute to look at him, the beauty of him. How he wished, as illogical as it was, that he had disregarded Uhura and her presence outside his quarters and taken him into his arms and kissed him senseless.
The few times they had melded... Jim Kirk's mind... It was brilliant! It of course had its shadows, memories tinged darker than others. Those he hadn't had the heart or will to ask to explore. He had hoped that at some point Jim would allow him without having to ask. But... What had he meant by 'this is good-bye?' Pondering it would be illogical. After all, it would be quicker and more efficient to just ask his Captain.
"Nyota..." He paused to regain his train of thought, thoughts of Jim having driven him to distraction, "I believe it would now be time to terminate our relationship. Neither of us has been truly involved in its advancement in quite some time. I do not want to ruin our friendship, nor our working relationship." Uhura just gazed at him, her eyes portraying the hurt and betrayal she felt. But she couldn't disagree. She too had felt the distance between them growing, she couldn't deny it, so she would let this go.
"I agree. So I'll leave you now." With that, she was gone with an almost silent hiss of the door and cool air floating behind her, heating almost as soon as the door shut, the light of the corridor gone. It was time for him to meditate, then he would find his wayward t'hy'la. Not that he knew it would be much harder to find him than was originally thought.
He knew that the Command Crew were t'hy'lara. They were his family, lifelong friends bound by more than just what blood could bring. They'd been bound by blood and fire, along with the loss of the man who had brought them all together and had shown them that they were worth something. Now it was their turn to show him that he was worth something, more than just something, he was the man they all worshipped as if he had created the universe itself. Illogical as it was, he too worshipped Jim Kirk and the air he breathed, the words he spoke... They were intoxicating to him. Just being in his presence was enough to bring him to a semi state of arousal, not enough to be noticeable by another, but enough to almost drive him to distraction. He couldn't bear to think of how his father had dealt with this, let alone when she died.
He decided that before he sought out his t'hy'la, he would meditate, so with slow methodical movements he lit the incense that reminded him so much of home, before the destruction of his world and the death of his mother. The candles added another layer of scent, as he closed his eyes and sank to the floor, his heart and mind were consumed with not just Jim, but his mother. How she had always been there for him, even as he pushed her away as he tried to be a true Vulcan, something he never would or could be. He was after all, only half-Vulcan.
As he drifted in the darkness of meditation, he felt himself drawn to the golden threads in the back of his mind. It was there he found James Tiberius Kirk. He stroked those strands, letting his love echo through their bond, this was what was keeping him sane. His beloved, brother and hopefully lover, they were one and the same, there was no telling those three emotions, positions apart.
As he stroked those strands, he felt more than heard Jim, their bond wasn't old enough or established enough for either of them to hear the other quite yet, let alone feel the other, and their emotions? Definitely. He felt that he'd left, the remorse, the grief, the anger, the loss and the abandonment that Jim felt. As he felt it, he tore himself from the meditative state he'd been in, seeing that the incense had burned itself out and the candles were fluttering dangerously close to extinguishing themselves.
Where was Jim? Why was he allowing him to feel these emotions, when before even at the merest touch, all he would be allowed to feel was a brief warmth before he locked down on his end of the bond. Which was something he'd wondered about, where had Jim learned to do so? From what he knew, Jim was a psychic null, unless... Unless Jim Kirk being Jim Kirk managed to fool the test... Or hack it as the case may have been.
As if Jim had just realized what he was doing, the connection abruptly cut off, his senses going dark before he came back to himself. Spock let out a groan of agony before catching himself. Rolling to his feet, ignoring the fact that he was in his meditation robes, he barreled through the Enterprise to the turbolift where he commanded it to take him to the Bridge. Once there, he looked at the Command Crew. All except for Jim. Even Scotty was there, as if he'd been expecting him to show up and… Wait… Expecting him? He knew he was reacting and thinking illogically, yet… What else was he supposed to do now that his t'hy'la was gone…?
"Where is the Captain?"
"We don't know sir." Came the trickled response, from all but Scotty. He looked like a deer caught in headlights, or almost… Like a sehlat who'd been caught. "What about you Commander Scott?"
" 'E beamed down nigh on an hour ago. Ta where… Ah c'n tell ya, but Ah c'n't say 'e'd still be there."
At the glares being thrown his way and the patient (so he thought) façade of the now Acting Captain, he shuddered putting up his hands in a warding gesture. Not that any of them would actually harm him, but still, there was always the off chance that Uhura would give into temptation… Or Spock for that matter. He was there when the half-Vulcan had tried to kill Jim. " 'E beamed down ta the Admirals home. Not that it helps much seein' as the man's dead now… Damn shame that…" His explanation ended in mumbles.
With that, the bridge dissolved into chaos, even as Jim Kirk was surrounded by another family, those who knew him before things went to hell…. At least for a second and third time in his life. The bonds he held with these eight others… They were as strong as the Enterprise.
I was buried in pile of limbs, my deep even breathing the only sign I was still alive. Somehow, we'd all managed to cram themselves into and on one bed. In the Captains quarters of this vessel. It shouldn't have surprised me, it was the way we'd slept as we'd tried to avoid capture by Kodos and his minions, the brainwashed four-thousand who had believed what he'd said, that only half of them were worth saving. Yes, I was one of the chosen but, my friends weren't. I'd known something was wrong the moment I'd followed my best-friends parents into the square. Kodos hadn't bothered to make sure that none of his chosen were there on accident.
As I struggled to wake up, I sighed into the heat of the body next to me, our arms and legs entwined, even as the scent of the previous night's arousal sunk into my nasal passages. I could feel himself beginning to harden, it didn't matter that none of them were Spock, none of them were his crew on the Enterprise either. Hell, this wasn't the first time they'd had an orgy together. It almost always happened anytime they reunited. It was what happened when you not only survive a famine and a slaughter, a way to reaffirm that they were all alive, all there, it was them having gone through puberty together. Perhaps in different stages, but still.
He almost felt guilty for reveling in the afterglow that they'd all indulged in. Hands and lips wandering, it didn't matter who it was, where they were touching, all that mattered was the here and now. It's how it had always been for them, well, actually once they'd reunited after being separated after their rescue. Once they were old enough to all understand what was happening. I'd managed to find a few of the younger ones and once I'd done that, we all slept together, they weren't old enough at the time to indulge in what had taken place the night before.
I'm sure that Spock probably got a good dose of the pleasure I'd felt, the revelry I'd partaken in. Not in just the pleasure brought to myself, but in the giving of it, returning the multiple orgasms the best I could with nine of us in the same bed. I could remember penetrating the youngest, her pleasure rocketing through me as I was fucked from behind, our mutual pleasure tenfold. Grumbling, I couldn't even flop back into the bed, my spot was already commandeered, the brats! I sighed and tried to slowly and carefully make my way out of the bed. I managed it, barely, but I did it. There were a few grumbles and groans, with one or two "Jim, come back to bed!" All of which I ignored. Walking naked to the observation deck, I curled up in one of the chairs, watching as the stars sailed past us.
It was there that he let the link between his and Spock's minds, he could feel his bondmates emotions, the grief and betrayal, he knew without a doubt his barriers had fallen when they had all fallen into bed. It was hit fault that Spock was hurting, however, he wasn't going to let the guilt eat him alive, Spock was with Uhura. Last he knew they were perfectly happy, even if Spock knew that he didn't belong with or to her. It wasn't fair. It really truly wasn't.