I really hate going back to that place but it's not that I have much of a choice on the matter. My mom insisted on me coming for a visit, mostly because it's been so long since my last one.
Not that they miss me that badly. Fuck! She probably needs money again.
I could have just sent them some but she didn't want me to think that's all she's interested in. So she whined and whined to me over the phone for whole weeks until I couldn't take it anymore and agreed to come back if only for the weekend.
Shit! I wouldn't last longer in that fucked up place anyway, it's a goddamn dump.
I couldn't fully comprehend that when I was a child but now, I realize how much of a shit hole South Park is, especially in comparison with my current residence. I found my own personal heaven in the City of Angels. I moved there the moment I turned eighteen and absolutely loved it.
I worked all kinds of shitty jobs, I even tried hustling for a couple of months but got sick and tired of actually being the manwhore everyone had always treated me as such.
So I got a job at a gas station and I was actually quite content with it until one day a guy in a black limo came along and he…''discovered the most angelic face of all in their own city'' as he happily announced…and yes that would be me.
Anyway, that guy turned out to be working for a big model agency. Oh yeah! That's what I do nowadays, still selling myself of course, but now I do it for magazine covers, shootings and attention in the media, instead for just my next meal and maybe the rent.
Not that I'm a big shot or anything but Roy, the guy from the agency, says I got potential. Well, at least, I'm getting my share of all the crazy partying that takes place in that crazy city. I'm currently driving back to South Park, wondering how the hell I'll survive through the whole weekend.
I mean that place is sooo fucking boring! There's literally nothing to do there.
At least I'll get to meet my old friends, I haven't seen much of them since I left and that was five years ago, but I know a little about everyone, my mom always fills me in on the latest gossips.
Let's see, Stan lives in Denver now, he actually married that bitch Wendy after all those years they had been dating. Boooring!
Clyde is still in South Park running the family shoe store and the same goes for Tweek, who is in charge of Tweak Bros.
Token is in New York getting richer as an investment manager or whatever.
I know for a fact that Craig still resides in South Park but I don't have a clue, and frankly I don't give a damn, what he does for a living.
Butters ran away, a few months after my own great escape, pursuing his dreams of becoming a ballet dancer, for fuck's shake! I haven't heard of him since.
Damien went back to hell and took that poor French kid with him.
Hmmm, after I spend some time with my family, long enough for me to deal with their financial problems and for them to actually pretend they are happy to see me, I should go over to Tweek's.
But it's not him or Clyde or that fucking asshole Craig that I really want to see.
Nope, I couldn't possibly come back to South Park and not pay a visit to everyone's favorite couple!
Frankly, I will never ever understand how they ended up together, well I guess all those insults and fights and making each other miserable was just sexual tension, yeah it happens, sometimes.
Fuck, I'm almost there.
''Bye mom, I'll see you later. Get some groceries with that money, ok?'' I announce as I close the door behind me.
Argh! Finally. They bore me so fucking much!
I try to think of what I should do next as I am standing outside of our house. I helped them get a new one a few years back so my kid sister wouldn't grow up in that dump I spent my own childhood.
Well let's see.
He probably won't get off work for another couple of hours. I stand still for a bit, trying to remember the way there and then start heading towards the school.
Oh yeah! The South Park elementary. The place of my childhood memories, fears, adventures, dreams, agonies, and joys.
It's always weird coming back to this place.
I step inside trying to inhale the bittersweet smell of chalk, dirt, and held back tears.
Trying to feel like that little poor boy in his orange parka again…
…Time…Why are you so cruel?...
I sigh deeply and head towards the classrooms, I know he is teaching the third and the fourth grade, he actually replaced Mr. Garrison a couple years back.
Ah, there he is!
I can't help but smile while staring at the big man through the little opening on the classroom door.
Well, I guess the kids could use some sexual education I think slyly as I open the door.
''You fucking fatass!'' I yell as I enter the room and walk happily towards him in order to give him a hug.
''Shhhh !Kenny! Language! The children!'' he whines but nevertheless hugs me back.
I immediately turn my attention to the little ones.
''Well, children you should consider yourselves extremely lucky cause today you'll share class with the kid that shed more blood than the Jews in WW2, in this fucking school of ours,'' I say with a smirk as I spot an empty seat at the back of the classroom and make my way to it.
''Hmpgh! Fine,'' my friend goes along with that ''but you better watch that language of yours, Mr. McCormick,'' he warns.
Fuck! He is the one to talk about language, he had a V-chip implanted in his head for chrissake cause of his filthy mouth. Of course that thing saved our asses during that stupid war his ''mother-in-law'' started, so I guess I should be grateful.
I can't help but giggle at the thought though; him and her sitting peacefully in the living room sipping tea, while he is humming the tune of that stupid song he made up for her, not saying the actual words of course.
Hahahaha! That's fucking hilarious!
''Kenny, please!''
''Ok ok,'' shit! I didn't realize I was so loud.
He sighs in frustration and then tries to carry on with the lesson.
''Well, children, Mr. McCormick said something about the Jews and the WW2 and that is such a coincidence because that shall be our history lesson for today.''
Oh great! He's gonna start with his Nazi racist bullshit again, how they even hired him as a teacher is beyond my understanding.
Cartman starts finally his long, long speech about all the torture and the persecution the poor Jews had to…..WAIT WHAT?
What the FUCK is he talking about?
He actually portrays the events the way they happened! He actually says that we should all sympathize with the pain of a whole race and do our best in order these tragic events of history not to take place again!
I can't believe that these words come out of the mouth of Eric Theodore Fucking Cartman!
Yeah, I know that's what he should teach the children or he'd get his ass fired but it's still weird.
It's like, it's like he truly believes what he is teaching! Fuck, I can't deal with this anymore, maybe I should take a nap.
''Kenny! Kenny!''
''W-what?'' I practically jump out of the desk. Shit! I hope I wasn't snoring or anything.
''School is over, let's go.''
''Ah…yeah, let's go.''
''So, how long will you be staying?'' He asks me as we walk through the corridors, full of children rushing out of the place.
Before I get a chance to answer him a little boy crashes at his legs and falls on his back.
''Hey, be careful there, little guy!'' He says happily but with a slight worry on his voice.
''Are you alright?'' He asks the boy as he pulls him of the ground and back at his feet, then he reaches for his backpack and hands it out to him.
''Yes, …Sorry for bumping on you like that.'' the little boy says apologetically.
''It's ok as long as you're not hurt.''
The boy shakes his head and goes his way.
Well, that was extremely nice of Cartman. Especially with a fucking GINGER!
What the hell is going on?
The same guy who started movements against Gingers and planned the extermination of the Jews, now preaches about the tragedy of WW2 and helps out a little ginger kid.
''What's wrong Kenny?''
Shit! I must have been staring.
''Nothing, nothing…well to answer your question I'm only staying till Sunday.''
''That's good. We'll be able to catch up, now, Kahl is working till five at the law office so would you like to grab a sandwich or something and then visit Tweek at the coffee shop? Craig and Clyde are probably going to be there as well.''
''Ok man, sounds good, let's take my car ok?''
''Oh, I prefer to walk, is that alright with you? It's not that far and besides I could always use some exercise!'' he says as he looks at me with a sheepish grin on his face.
Well, that's a new one too, Cartman making fun about his weight. Though he doesn't look as bad as he did as a child, he still looks huge but in an attractive kind of way, plus he is even taller than me!
''I'm trying to lose weight'' he continues ''I really do but man, you should taste Kahl's cooking! How can I resist!'' The stupid smile never once leaving his face. And the way he lights up when he refers to him. Fuck he looks like a lovesick fool!
That's NOT Cartman!
Then again, I haven't seen the guy in 5 years, maybe he changed.
Why it's so fucking hard for me to believe that?
We are walking down the empty road, it's fucking South Park what did you expect, traffic jam, as we come across an old man, around his seventies, approaching us slowly.
''Well, hello there, Mr. Thompson!'' Cartman greets him cheerfully.
''H-hello Eric!'' The old man seems really happy to see Cartman.
''Where are you going?'' my big friend asks the senior.
''Oh, I just needed some air, you know.''
''Good, it's a fine day for wandering, don't get too tired though.'' he actually sounds quite concerned.
''Don't worry Eric, I won't, you are still coming on Tuesday, right?''
''Of course Mr. Thompson, as always.'' Cartman replies and we head on our way.
''I do some charity work down at the old people's home.'' he explains to me as soon as we are within a distance from the old man.
By now I'm pretty used to extremely peculiar events, like Cartman doing charity, so I wasn't too shocked.
We walk in silence for the rest of the way and it's not too long till the familiar coffee shop appears.
Tweek definitely does a good job running this place, it looks even better than I remembered, and probably he renovated it at some point.
As we enter I immediately spot the twitchy blonde behind the counter and I smile to myself, I had always a soft spot for the caffeine addict, I think I was even crushing on him at some point back in high school.
Nothing happened of course, his asshole of a best friend was guarding him 24/7 so I couldn't get my chance.
Cartman is already in front of the spaz and as he lifts his eyes from the latte he is preparing his gaze meets mine and lets out a small squeak.
''Ke-Kenny? Is it really y-you?''
''Fuck, yeah man! Damn it's been ages since I last saw your pretty face!'' I say happily as I hop over the counter in order to give him a hug.
Tweek jumps a little at my touch but then he lets himself relax as I squeeze him tightly, inhaling his sweet scent of coffee and caramel.
''I see you haven't wasted your time McCormick,'' a particularly nasally and monotonous voice interrupts our little moment and I let Tweek go, who is probably having a panic attack.
''Oh Jesus, C-Craig, he was j-just gr-greeting me-nngh-don't be m-mad!''
I slowly make my way out of the counter all the while returning the death glare the raven is giving me and realize he hasn't changed much, still a boring asshole. Cartman seems amused though, maybe he is waiting for us to start ripping out each others throat, but that won't be happening anytime soon.
As much as he irritates me I won't let him make me lose my charm.
''Well, hello Craig, so good to see you after so long, how you've been man?'' the shit eating grin on my face adds to the whole picture of me trying to be irresistible, as I stand in front of the badass.
Apparently though, Craig doesn't fall for that, he sticks his middle finger in my face as he mutters ''Fine.''
''Well, it's always nice to see that some things never change, you being a dick is definitely one of them!'' I love teasing this guy.
He doesn't have a chance to respond as the door opens again and a particularly cheerful Clyde enters, rushing over to me and throwing his arms around my neck just like I did to Tweek a few minutes ago.
''Keeeennnyyy! You are back, I'm so happy to see you!''
''Hmph, stop being a fag, Clyde,'' Craig; always ready to ruin a happy moment.
''We both know pretty well who the fag here is, Craig,'' Clyde responds still with his back to the raven and me in his arms.
I can't help but feel a little confused over the last statement especially since it made Craig fluster, only for a second though, hell, Craig motherfucking Tucker does NOT fluster. If Clyde's sneaky remark was about Cartman, which would be perfectly understandable, Craig wouldn't give a shit, let alone depict any sign of discomfort.
Hmph! I am thinking too much again. I just have to face the fact that my town has changed a lot the past few years I have been away.
Clyde finally lets me go, gesturing towards a table in the coffee shop ''Let's sit man and Tweek will bring us refreshments, ok Tweeky?''
''Ngh, y-yeah, sure.''
I take my seat in the table opposite Clyde while Cartman sits beside me, facing Craig. We chat happily for a little while till Tweek comes with our coffees and muffins on a tray he tries hard to balance on his left shoulder. His subtle shaking isn't helping though and as he places our drinks on the table, he spills a little coffee.
''Argh I-I'm sorry guys! I'll clean it up.''
''It's ok,'' Craig reassures him with a smile and as Tweek is about to leave, the raven scans the room and then pulls him into his lap and with his hand on the back of the blonde's head, he brings his face down and smashes his lips against the spaz's.
Wow, I think I officially entered the Twillight Zone.
Tweek jumps a little but then relaxes into the kiss, closes his eyes and kisses back with such affection and hunger, at the some time, that I think I might be drooling in a while, this is hot! God, California really made me more of a pervert that I already was...
Tweek slowly breaks the kiss and they just stay there for a second staring at each others eyes adoringly, before the spaz stands up, heading towards the counter once more.
Craig watches him go for a while, his stupid smile still on his face until he turns his attention back to us, adopting again his completely apathetic expression.
''You were staring McCormick,'' shit! Was I that obvious?
''Eh, when did that happen?'' I ask stupidly.
Craig leans back on his chair comfortably and his expression softens a bit.
''Oh, me and Tweek? It's almost two years now.'' Wow! How come my mother never mentioned that to me?
''But we keep it a secret. We are not ready to come out yet, Tweekers is terrified,'' he explains with an almost sad look on his face
''Oh. It's cool man, I won't say anything.''
''I'm happy for you'' I continue offering him a genuine smile ''I guess it was bound to happen at some point.''
For the first time since I saw him, Craig actually smiles back at me, a little one, hardly noticeable, but it's a real smile, not a grin or a smirk.
I guess he really is happy.
We catch up for a couple of hours, Tweek finally joins us when his shift is over, although now that there are more people in the coffee shop he stays away from Craig.
I know that I was kind of shocked at first, when I saw the two of them kissing, but as I am mulling over it, I realize that they always were so close, it was kind of obvious.
No, the shocking situation here is not Craig Tucker banging Tweek Tweak.
The puzzle, the big mystery of South Park revolves around Eric Theodore Cartman.
I mean, the man is actually nice. And kind, and he respects other people's feelings!
Throughout the whole time that we hung out with our childhood's friends in the coffee shop, he was so pleasant and we were all engaged in meaningful conversations (well, as meaningful as a conversation between a perv, a sociopath and his nervous wreck of a boyfriend, a ladies man and a former Nazi-manipulator of the mazes, could be!)
I'm so fucking confused but I try my best to hide it. Maybe this is another scheme of his.
Anyway, it's almost five now and Cartman tells me we should probably head to his place, Kyle must be waiting for us there.
The walk to their apartment is awfully quiet, now that I'm alone with him I kinda feel nervous, staring at him like an idiot.
Luckily they don't live that far away from Tweek's coffee shop and as we enter the apartment, a delicious smell fills my nostrils and I can't help but smile at the sight of a familiar redhead rushing out of the kitchen as I open my arms for him.
''Kenny!'' Kyle shouts happily as he falls into my embrace ''It's been so long, I've missed you so much!'' Well, isn't he the sweetest guy?
''I've missed you too Ky! Promise you that I'll visit more often from now on.''
When Kyle lets me go I swear I can see a hint of relief in Cartman's face, probably was jealous that I was monopolizing his boyfriend's attention.
''I should go back in the kitchen, but make yourself comfortable, honey give Kenny something to drink,ok?'' And with that he leaves me alone in their living room with Cartman.
I take a seat on the big couch, while Cartman hands me a beer and turns on the tv, there is an rerun of Terence and Philip, nothing like an obsession from our childhood to make us all nostalgic, right?
So we just sit in silence, watching the show and sipping our beers. From time to time I can feel his eyes focused on me and I can't help but feel a little bit uncomfortable but I let it go and continue to stare at the tv.
Finally the show is over and I realize that Cartman must have been staring at me for a while now, analyzing me with an ironic smile on his face.
God! This is awkward!
''I know what the fuck is on your mind,'' he finally states.
I turn around to face him, for the first time since I've been here, I recognize that evil little boy of my childhood.
But that's only for a moment.
His expression softens as he speaks again.
''You are thinking who the hell this person is? Whatever happened to Eric Cartman? Well let me enlighten you. He's still here, I'm still here, it's just that...I've changed. I know I was an evil, manipulating, sick, mean son of a bitch.''
''But I also was...'' there is a dramatic pause here.
''Fat. I had no dad. My mother was the biggest crack whore ever. And no other person in the world had ever cared for me. Or loved me. So maybe, maybe it wasn't so strange of me being the biggest asshole. Now? Now, I'm still kinda fat. I still have no dad. And my mother? She still is the biggest crack whore ever. But now? Now there is a person who cares for me. There is a person who loves me. And for that person I try so hard not to be the biggest asshole, I try so hard to make myself better, everyday.''
After Cartman's little speech we keep staring at each other for a while, until Kyle enters the living room, breaking the silence.
''Babe, I made these cookies you like,'' he says cheerfully as he puts a big plate on the coffee table in front of Cartman.
''And I'm baking a pizza, Kenny I insist you stay for dinner!''
Before rushing back in the kitchen, he sits himself in his boyfriend's lap and he drags the brunette into a passionate and tender kiss.
''I love you,'' he whispers in his ear before standing up and leaving the room.
I continue to stare at Cartman.
''Do you get it now?'' he asks me with a genuine smile on his face.
I smile back and nod.
Yes, I actually got it.