... wow. we must've been really bored when we wrote this. - -
anyway, this is a collaboration of brain effort between anbumoo and kangaroo-in-debt! it's also complete crack. i found it on my computer, and decided to post it. yaaaaaay. first naruto fic for both of us.. i think. it's a one-shot! for now.
right. read and reviiiiiieeeeeew!!
(also, go read kangaroo-in-debt's work! it's good!) -end shameless.. er.. selfless plug-
disclaimer: Naruto doesn't belong to either anbumoo or kangaroo-in-debt. if it did.. well... crack galore!!!
Fizzy Contact
by anbumoo and kangaroo-in-debt
"I feel as if I'm lacking something…" Uchiha Sasuke paced along the earthy hallways of Orochimaru's hideout. "But what is it? Could this dissatisfaction be… loneliness? No, I can't be lonely; I'm too tough for friends. It has nothing to do with that. This is… the thirst for more power!"
Sasuke frowned and turned around so as not to collide with a wall. "Yet I don't think a bout of normal training would satisfy me… no, I need some sort of new, fresh power; the likes of which I have never tried before!"
He left the main building, hoping to find inspiration with some fresh air.
"Oh my, we mustn't, we mustn't!" A female voice giggled coyly.
"It's fine, it's fine!" A man laughed in response.
Sasuke silently crept in the shadow of the building toward the source of the disturbance. Two ninjas who wore the emblem of the Hidden Sound on their headbands were chasing each other around the back of Orochimaru's hideout.
"Pfft, useless emotions…" Sasuke scoffed to himself.
"Heeehee, you're so audacious!" the female danced circles around the other.
Sasuke was about to turn away in disgust when he saw the male ninja drop a bottle of something.
"Hmm, this is a good training exercise. I'll retrieve this bottle without either of those idiots noticing me."
He soundlessly leapt up into the branches above the two. There it was, right under the feet of the female. Sasuke let himself fall from the tree. With an agile swoop, he snatched the bottle and was back in the tree before either of them even turned their heads.
"Pathetic…" he sighed, throwing the bottle in the air and catching it effortlessly. "I wasted my time. I need to find stronger opponents… opponents fit for my strength."
The label caught Sasuke's eye. "Sake?" He opened the bottle, wrinkling his nose at the smell of alcohol. "Hmm… seems disgusting."
But just as he was about to throw it away, he remembered that idiot Rock Lee. Though that fool was weak, he seemed to have gained some sort of power when he consumed alcohol.
"If that pitiful Lee could gain power from sake," Sasuke mused to himself, "then for one as strong as me, this will increase my strength exponentially!"
And chuckling to himself, he swigged the whole bottle.
"Ugh… I don't feel so well…" Sasuke muttered as he headed back to his room. "Maybe I shouldn't have drunk the whole bottle in one go… no. I can't be beaten by a mere beverage of fermented rice! I will stomach you, sake!"
He ignored the spinning of his head and forced himself to start his daily exercises. Pushups came first. Sasuke was about to get down on the ground to start, but the ground went up to him instead.
"Oof…" The ground was quite hard. Somehow, Sasuke's arms had missed it when he was trying to get into pushup position. "Funny… I guess I'll have to aim better this time…"
Sasuke managed to prop himself up. This time he knew his target. With the ground firmly fixed in his shaky vision, he flung himself at it.
"Sasuke-kun?" Kabuto opened the door. "Orochimaru-sama wants to see you… eh?"
"Hmph…" Sasuke pushed himself into an upright position. "…be there in a sec'…"
"Your breath…" Kabuto frowned. "Have you been drinking?"
"Sec's up, time to… go…" Sasuke staggered forward, nearly tripping on Kabuto. "…s'rry, didn't see you…"
Sasuke gimped along the halls, trying to remember where he was going. Wait, he was going somewhere? It seemed more like the somewhere was coming to him, the way the ground was shaking under his feet.
That was strange, he was sitting down. Wasn't he standing just a second ago? Ah well, it was more comfortable this way. He was Uchiha Sasuke, after all. He deserved to be comfortable.
"Hmm… no one can beat Sasuke…" he muttered. "For I am the STRONGEST!!!"
"Sasuke-kun, there you are," hissed someone from behind. Wait, was it from the front? Or maybe the right? The voice came from somewhere, anyway. "I've been looking for you…"
"I'm really strong…" Sasuke hiccupped. "Strong people usually have some… lessee, what do they have… uhh… that papery stuff, buys things… money, I think… long hair, pretty… wossname… w-wo…woman…
"Ah!" he tried to focus his eyes on the object in front of him. "Long, black hair… pale skin… skinny… it's a wossname… w-wo… woman!"
"Sasuke-kun, what are you mumbling about?" The w-wo… woman said.
"With w-wo… women… uhh, once they're there… what next…" Sasuke put his hand on his forehead, or at least, tried to put his hand on his forehead. He missed and hit his nose instead. "Fizz… fizz... physical… education? 'S'not right… psychic connection…no… physical… con… contact!"
And he reached forward with a shaking hand, grabbing the w-wo… woman by the ass.
...
Orochimaru was not a patient man. When he said he wanted to see someone, he wanted to see that person in no less than two and a half minutes. Everyone knew this, and everyone in their right minds fell head over heels to obey the unsaid rule. It usually took them no longer than one minute and seventeen seconds.
Sasuke had been no exception.
Needless to say, when Orochimaru sent Kabuto to fetch little Sasuke-kun, he had expected to wait no more than 43 seconds and 98 milliseconds.
When two minutes and thirty-one seconds had gone by and there was still no sign of precious little Sasuke-kun, Orochimaru was royally peeved. He wanted to see his future body, and he wanted to see it right now!
With that said and done, Orochimaru, being the impatient man that he was, regally left his throne room in search of his "apprentice".
"The first place to search for him would be his room..." Orochimaru thought to himself, his long black hair swishing behind him as he took long, purposeful strides in the approximate direction of his destination.
The door was ajar.
Orochimaru hissed pleasurably at the realization of how smart he was and without hesitation slammed the door open.
It is truly a remarkable ability to make grand entrances under any circumstance, but unfortunately for Orochimaru there was no one there to witness it.
"The room is empty…" noted Orochimaru with a look of fury that would drive any damsel in distress to tears.
The room was indeed empty and devoid of life, save for a bottle of sake on top a table.
The glory of the empty sake bottle was unnoticed, however, as Orochimaru slithered angrily out of the room.
He didn't have to go far.
As he rounded the bend of his underground hallway, Orochimaru noticed a figure slouched against his wall, muttering oddly to himself. Orochimaru smiled a smile that revealed all his teeth.
"Sasuke-kun, there you are. I've been looking all over for you."
Orochimaru saw Sasuke turn his head towards him, like an old, drunken fool that had too much sake. A muttering of woman reached Orochimaru's ears.
Wait a minute… women? Why would his beloved little Sasuke-kun snuggle up against the wall muttering about women? Not that it mattered. He must have heard wrong.
And why was he standing here being ignored?
Orochimaru slowly felt his anger meter soaring towards the sky. Not good.
Contrary to popular belief, Orochimaru did indeed think about his actions before he preformed them. While he did enjoy scaring his subordinates, he didn't think scaring his Sasuke-kun would help his fragile state of mind. Pity.
At hearing Sasuke-kun describe him as pale (he must really have Kabuto check his hearing) Orochimaru thought his patience had perhaps been stretched a little too far. "Sasuke-kun, what are you mumbling about?"
When his response was something along the lines of "fizzy contact" and a bop to the nose, Orochimaru thought his apprentice was in lack of a good kick to the head.
That was when Sasuke grabbed his ass.