Dysphoria

Summary: At first when Reid received the text from an unknown number he was confused and a bit worried. In his line of work one could never be too paranoid when it comes to these type of things but then he received a text from Sam telling him that he'd given out his number to a close friend who really needed someone to talk too. TRIGGER WARNING FOR SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

Character(s): Spencer Reid, Samuel/Samantha Beckett [OC], James Dalman [OC], Hotch & JJ (only mentioned briefly at the end).

Warning(s): A bit of angst, Body Dysphoria, FTM OC, Trans!OC, mentions of past bullying/abuse, talks of anxiety and depression. GenderQueer Character! Transsexual Character! mentions of past self-harm, attempted suicide, identity crisis, Misgendering, etc.

THIS IS A ONE-SHOT AND IS CONNTECTED TO MY OTHER STORY "To Cut Hair" I own nothing other than my OC's.

James Dalman Texting (Italics Bold)

Samuel/Samantha Beckett Texting (Bold Underlined)

Spencer Texting (Italics)

Spencer?

Spencer Reid?

Staring down at his cell with a grim look on his face, Reid re-read the text he had received from an unknown number and was slightly unsure how to react. Obviously the person knew exactly who he was but the question mark added at the end made it seem that they weren't sure themselves. Before Reid could even begin to think of what to do next, his phone let out a shrill ping! As yet another message came through but this time from someone he knew.

Heya Spence

Sam! Hello.

So umm...don't be mad okay?

That's not a good way to start a sentence. Are you okay? What did you do?

I'm fine, and I didn't do anything!

Why don't I believe you?

OK

So I might've...

Given your number to a friend of mine so they could text you?

You gave my number out to a complete stranger!

They're my friend!

Sam!

Plz just talk to him? I know he's trustworthy and he really needs someone to talk too right now and you're the only person I know who could help them out.

...

Please? As a favor for me?

...FINE. But only because you said they need help.

Awe, and cuz ur a goody two shoes who wuvs me ;)

...I'm pretending not to know you.

Rude!

What is his name?

Fine. Fine. His names James.

But seriously, thank you for doing this.

It's no problem, I'm just glad I finished work a bit early.

:D Text me later okay? Lemme know if hes okay?

Of course.

Thanks Feddy.

It's been four months since we met, how long do you intend on calling me that?

Consider it a term of endearment. Now ttyl, txt James.

I don't really know what ttyl means but I'll let you know how everything goes.

Thnks!

Sighing slightly at the absurdity of the situation, Reid went back through his recent messages and messaged back the unknown number who's probably been waiting all this time for a response.

Yes, that's my name. I presume you're James?

Yea.

Did

Did Sammy tell you I'd be texting you?

They (Since I do not know their pronouns for today) let me know it was you who texted me instead of a complete stranger.

But I am a complete Stranger.

Shit. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have texted you.

Nono, it's fine. I don't mind.

At least you aren't a serial killer.

What?

Oh.

Oh yeah.

I forgot Sammy said you're a Fed.

Yes.

...Now I see why you'd be suspicious of a random text message.

But I know that you're someone Sam trusts, so I trust you as well.

I

Thank you.

That's incredibly kind of you.

You're Welcome.

So James, are you alright?

No.

Not really?

Can you tell me what's the matter?

umm

it's

its kind of personal

In that case, if you're not comfortable speaking with me then you shouldn't force yourself alright?

No its fine. Talking to someone who doesn't know me seems...

I dunno. Easier.

That's understandable. My opinion would be Un-Bias this way.

So I'm a...I'm Trans.

Like FTM Trans. Have been since I was fourteen I think?

But I've sorts always know, you know?

Anyway. My parents, they...they were very strict in my upbringing. Jessie do this, Jessie do that. That's my real name by the way, I legally changed it to James. Well, when they found out about how I felt, they were mad. Mom would only yell a lot but dad he

he got physical. And angry. More then mom.

I was scared. Terrified really. I never wanted to be home.

It's alright if you can't continue.

NO. I can do this.

I need to do this.

Okay.

Ok so...after a while I just couldn't take it anymore...I hated them. And even worse, I hated myself. I actually felt like I was going to be sick every damn time they made me dress as a girl or called me by the wrong pronouns and the wrong name. I hated ever seeing my reflection. I hated my body.

After two years I...I started cutting myself. Across my thighs and my stomach or even my chest.

I guess I was sad? I know I had depression, I got meds for it. But I was mostly angry.

I was angry every time I saw my body. One day I just...snapped? Then it sort of became a habit until my aunt Loretta came over one day and found me. I was sent to the hospital for blood loss and kept there on suicide watch.

James I have a few questions and I would like for you to answer me honestly

I can try?

Are you still on any type of medication for depression or anxiety?

No. I mean I was but them I stopped needing them. I take shots of testosterone now. And had my surgeries all scheduled...

When did you start and figure out the schedule for your surgeries?

About three to four days ago.

When did you start feeling...Off?

Around the same time.

There's your stressor.

Huh?

Your stressor. The thing that set you off.

Oh.

Umm anymore questions?

Do you feel like harming yourself?

What?

Do you feel the need to harm yourself in any way.

I

I don't know?

Like I don't want too. I know it won't solve anything but

I can't stop thinking about it.

Is there anyone nearby you?

Npe

I live alone

But Sammy's got the apartment two doors down.

You live that close together?

Yep

Can you go to Sam's or tell them to come over?

I'll go over there.

Hang on.

So James just came over.

I'm guessing you told him to come here?

Yes.

I'm sorry. But I really don't think he should be alone right now.

It's fine.

Is everything going okay?

We're still talking, but I think I may know what the issue is.

Then what are you texting me for? Text James! He's staring at his cell like a lost puppy.

James, do you know what Dysphoria is?

No? Should I? I can go look it up. And I'm here. At Sammy's I mean.

Good. And you could if you want.

There's more then one type of Dysphoria. An example is Gender Dysphoria. But I believe, from what you've told me, that you have Body Dysphoria. perhaps Gender Dysphoria as well.

I

Really?

Yes.

Umm...

I'm gonna send you what Wikipedia says.

Dysphoria is a profound state of unease or dissatisfaction. In a psychiatric context, dysphoria may accompany depression, anxiety, or agitation. It can also refer to a state of not being comfortable in one's current body, particularly in cases of gender dysphoria. Common reactions to dysphoria include emotional distress, in some cases, even physical distress is opposite state of mind is known as euphoria.

Ok

That's a lot to take in.

Yes, it is. But it makes sense doesn't it?

Well. Yea. I guess it does.

So I have Body Dysphoria?

I believe so.

How do I

How do I make it go away?

Well... I would recommend seeing a therapist and telling them everything you've told me. But most of all, try to learn to accept yourself and to love yourself.

Isn't it a bit selfish to go around saying you love yourself?

No.

Not at all. Everyone deserves to love who they are even if that means accepting themselves for who they want to become. Despite how others see them.

But I don't know how.

Then its a good thing you have Sam and now me.

:)

Really?

Are you being 100% serious?

Of course I am. I wouldn't joke around about something like this.

I

Thank you.

Really it means a lot to me.

Thankyouthankyouthankyou!

You're welcome.

Please feel free to contact me whenever you need me. The same goes for Sam. If either of you need to talk or just need me in general don't hesitate to call okay?

Even if it's at the crack ass of dawn?

Even if it's the crack ass of dawn.

Thank you.

James just showed me your guys messages.

He can't text anymore right now. He's crying.

What?

Please apologize for me!

I wasn't trying to make him cry!

Spencer it's happy tears okay?

You did a great job.

Thank you.

Oh. Well. Your welcome?

I'll leave the two of you to yourselves, please get some rest and tell James to think over what I've said.

I will. Promise.

Goodnight Sam.

G'night Feddy!

Night Feddy. and Thank you again.

Now you've started with that nickname?

Good night James.

Smiling slightly as he exited out of his messages and plugged his phone in for the night to charge, Reid stood up and stretched. Hopefully he'll be able to get a full eight hours or maybe even more before Hotch or JJ call about some case.

Below is a link with a guide of sorts for FTM transsexual's just add www. in front of the rest of the link which is in bold.

And I would personally like to say that I find nothing wrong with one being Transsexual, or having any other type of Sexuality. Just be you, and whoever it is that makes you happy and comfortable with yourself.

Transition-from-a-Female-to-a-Male-%28Transgender%29

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Number: 1-800-273-8255

And Please please never consider harming yourself or wishing you were dead. Whether you believe it or not, YOU WILL BE MISSED!