A/N: This one-shot was written in celebration for Valentine's Day 2018, so... Happy Valentine's Day to all my readers! ^^
Rated: K+ for slightly suggestive themes, but no specifics, foul language, or violence.
Timeframe: Kaito has been KID for a little over a year in this story. He'd been KID for several months already when Valentine's Day came around in Magic Kaito 1412 and in the Magic Kaito Detective Conan Specials, so this is set a year after that, on the following Valentine's Day.
Pairings: No slash was intended during the creation of this story, but you're welcome to imagine any pairings you'd like! There are hints at many possible relationships, so you can pretty much take your pick. You'll see what I mean.
Disclaimer. (I don't actually have to put more than the word "disclaimer" do I? I think not. Lol.)
Now, on to the story~!
...
No one was quite sure anymore who first had the idea. It certainly didn't sound like something Inspector Nakamori himself would come up with, though he ultimately did agree to it. Maybe it was one of the newbies trying to make their mark, or a veteran who had been on the receiving end of one-too-many of KID's pranks. Regardless, for Valentine's Day, the Kaitou KID Task Force had somehow come to the conclusion that it was a fantastic idea to leave not-so-loving Valentines for the Moonlit Magician come his next heist which had, of course, been scheduled for Valentine's Night.
And as usual, their plans were executed in such a manner that they yielded results vastly different from what they'd been expecting. The first problem, perhaps, was that no one on the Kaitou KID Task Force actually hated KID. Even one Hakuba Saguru found himself frowning down at the card he'd ended up writing. It, like the other Task Force members' cards, was a white card-stock cut of paper the size of a playing card, imitating the style of KID's own cards that he tended to leave at heists. And on it in Hakuba's own neatly-printed and stark black handwriting, centered perfectly on the plane of the white surface, was his note to the thief:
"I'll never comprehend how one as intelligent as yourself can be such an energetic idiot. I hope you end up in handcuffs this Valentine's Night.
-Detective Hakuba"
Hakuba frowned. The note had everything he'd set out to put in it. Express his wishes for the thief to be caught? Check. Insult the insufferable magician? Calling someone an idiot counted for that, certainly. So why did he also admit that KID was intelligent? Never mind the fact that it was true.
Hakuba shrugged and put his card inside the box which had been delegated as the spot which all cards should be collected in. He supposed it was close enough, and he really hadn't put much thought into it when he'd written those words down. He put careful thought into making sure the words were centered on their card, but the words themselves hardly mattered as long as the thief understood that it wasn't a real Valentine, right?
Unfortunately for Hakuba, he hadn't realized what other meanings an active and mischievous mind like that of a Kaitou could draw from his words. As Kuroba Kaito set down his red cardboard box that he'd picked up from the heist, knowing that it was for him as the tag attached to it read "Happy Valentine's Day, Stupid Thief," he didn't know what to expect. Opening it to find a number of Valentine's Day cards addressed to him from his pursuers had been a nice surprise. He'd expected each of them to say things like "I freaking hate you" and "I hope you have a horrible day," and he was ready to laugh it off and smirk at the way he was capable of getting to his Task Force members... But the cards were considerably less hurtful than he'd been expecting.
With a grin, he'd decided to write a few responses. So to Hakuba, he wrote:
"I always knew you were a bit of a flirt with the ladies, Tantei-san, but truly, how naughty of you! Wanting to see me in handcuffs on the most romantic night of the year!
With not-quite-enough-love-to-let-you-handcuff-me….
~Kaitou 1412"
When Hakuba pulled that note out of his mailbox the following day and read it, he instantly turned beat-red. How could he make such an obvious mistake?! Of course KID could take a wish of ill-fortune and turn it around into something horrifying. The British detective then proceeded to bang his head against his mail box, tear the note into tiny pieces, and burn them so that no one would ever know what words had been exchanged between himself and the thief.
He couldn't help but wonder if the other Task Force members' cards had been received in a similar fashion.
….
Inspector Nakamori's card was sloppy and, Kaito noted with much amusement, covered in cross-outs. (A/N: Fanfic is stupid with formatting, so underline=cross-outs.)
"I think your magic is impressive, but annoying, and your charming stupid, arrogant smirk haunts my dreams nightmares. You remind me of a child in a candy store at every heist, all adorable, child-like mischievous laughs as you fill your pockets with things that don't belong to you. Arrogant in a way that reminds me of my daughter; sometimes I wonder if you really are the same KID from before, or if you're just an actual kid. Either way, I plan to catch you soon because I don't want you to be a thief for the rest of your life, you could be so much more, so hurry up and turn yourself in.
-Inspector Nakamori"
Kaito... Didn't even know what to say to that. Did the inspector have a clue as to his actual age? Did he want to catch KID because he thought KID could be redeemed if he was caught? In the end, Kaito settled for a very simple note in correspondence, completed with his usual smirking KID doodle added at the bottom:
"Thank you.
~KK"
When Inspector Nakamori read the response, he didn't know what to make of it. Its meaning, like that of the thief's, eluded him. Were the words genuine, or sarcastic? Surely, they were sarcastic; his Valentine to KID hadn't been very nice, after all...
Inspector Nakamori stared at it for a long while before cursing and leaving it on his work desk.
….
Most of the other officers at least tried to be insulting and condescending... Though Kaito wasn't of the opinion that they did a very good job of it...
"Your magic is stupidly amazing, and you're annoyingly fun to chase, and I hate how cool you are because you're a thief and that makes all other endearing qualities void!
Also, my daughter's a huge fan, and I've never had a real chance to ask you before, especially without the others knowing, but... Could I get an autograph? Her name's Akiten*.
-Inspector Konno"
Kaito laughed at the failure, but sent a note back nonetheless, and with a light yellow-orange rose attached to it, his signature at the end including carefully slanted numbers to clearly emphasize the "KID" hidden within them.
"Happy Valentine's Day, Aki-chan~! Take care of your father for me, if you'd be so kind: Heists are no fun without proper challengers! And if you can, perhaps you should come see my show sometime. I'm sure your father can be persuaded~!
Sincerely, the Phantom Thief 1412"
At least Inspector Konno had made some effort to sound reprimanding. Some of the officers either recognized that they didn't harbor negative feelings towards KID, or else they got carried away with the idea that 'It's Valentine's Day, you should only say NICE things to people on Valentine's Day no matter who they are!' Or perhaps they truly were excited by the prospect of being able to speak nearly directly with him for once. Either way, he received a few cards that read something along the lines of:
"I know we're on opposite sides, but it's Valentine's Day, so I just wanted to tell you that I think you're really spectacular and your shows are really something to see! I hope you decide to put on real, legitimate shows some day, outside of heists!"
Kaito's responses to that small handful of cards consisted of basic "You bet I will!"s and "I'll make sure you get tickets to my show one day, though no promise you'll ever know it's me~!" And they were usually finished with a "With much gratitude, Kaitou KID."
…. And there was one officer, someone Kaito knew by experience to be a rather up-tight sort of fellow, who just asked a bunch of questions.
"Since this may be one of my only opportunities to speak with you in a somewhat secure and direct fashion, I'd like to ask a few questions, if I may. Please answer as many as you can truthfully:
Why do you return the gems you steal? What is your name? Is there anything I can do to convince you to turn yourself in? Who are your accomplices? Where did you learn magic? What is the highest wind-speed which you are capable of flying your glider in, generally speaking? How did you learn to fly with a hang-glider? Who makes your gadgets for you and teaches you how to use them? What color are your eyes? Do you tailor your suit yourself?
If you can answer any or all of these questions, it would be appreciated, and perhaps I could ask a few more if you'd give me the chance.
And Happy Valentine's Day, of course.
-Officer Naoken"
Kaito rolled his eyes.
"Secrets are precious, and should not be given out lightly.
To you as well.
~Kaitou 1412"
Through it all, Kaito enjoyed (nearly….) every card he received. But perhaps the most surprising one came from a little be-speckled boy known to the thief as "Tantei-kun"...
….
Suzuki Sonoko's card, Ran decided, had perhaps too many hearts. When the karate champion's best friend had found out that the Task Force planned to give KID cards for Valentine's Day, she'd insisted on being able to join in on the fun. What kind of cards could a bunch of grumpy old men make anyway? Nothing good, Sonoko was sure of it! So, while everyone else's cards were on the card-stock little slips of white, trump-card-sized pieces of paper, hers was a red heart-shaped card with more, littler, pink hearts surrounding it and pretty, elegant, slanted writing written over it. She dropped it in the card collection box...
Little did she know, she'd actually be the only one not to receive a reply...
Ran dropped hers in as well, a white card reading simply "Happy Valentine's Day, KID-san," which would earn her a "Happy St. Valentine's to you as well, Meitantei-no-ojou-chan**."
She watched as Conan, grumbling and annoyed, walked up to the box, which was resting on top of a table. He didn't really want to write a card to begin with (though it was enjoyable to think of poking fun at the thief), and now he had to find a way to get it into the box which was way too high up for him, too?
Ran was about to offer her services when Hakuba beat her to it.
"Allow me, Edogawa-kun," he said politely, holding his hand out for Conan's card. With a snort Conan handed it over, and Hakuba's eyes, the keen eyes of a nosy detective, glanced at the card as he went to set it in the box. He froze before putting it in, lingering with it in his hand. His eyes widened and he looked down at Conan, who was staring back at him with a genuinely innocent and slightly confused look on his face. Hakuba shrugged. "Well, I guess if that doesn't trip KID up, nothing will." With a snort and smirk, Hakuba put the card in.
"What do you mean by-?" Conan was just beginning to ask what it was Hakuba meant by that when the lights flickered and a familiar and enthusiastic voice filled the air.
"Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to my special Valentine's Day performance!" The heist officially began as the sprinklers activated and began raining chocolate milk instead of water in an interesting KID-version take on giving someone chocolate in celebration of the day. Though, normally, it was the girls who gave out chocolate while anyone in general could exchange cards... Conan snickered at that thought. "Oooh, and what's this? A present, for this humble Phantom Thief? You shouldn't have~!" The box disappeared in a puff of red smoke and the heist continued, with KID nabbing the pink heart-shaped diamond that served as the night's target. Numerous people jumped into motion to stop him, all ending up unsuccessful.
And when Kaito finally made it to his Tantei-kun's card that night, he nearly had a seizure. He was sure for a moment he would die of an aneurism, then of suffocation due to excessive, mirthful laughter.
"You're a useless flirt and a no-good thief and I don't know why anyone would want to have you as a Valentine...
But I guess you're not ALL bad, since you DID make my night more enjoyable by giving me a nice puzzle and chase, so... Happy Valentine's Day, I guess.
-Detective Edogawa Conan
XXX"
Conan couldn't make head nor tail of the card he got back in response.
"Dear Tantei-kun...
I'm horribly sorry, but this is perhaps not the best time. You do, after all, appear to be quite young. Much too young for me, at least. But you may endeavor to try again in several years, and by chance my answer by then could be 'maybe'? I really can't say.
And you call me a flirt! How hypocritical...
Take care of yourself.
Warm regards!
~KID the Phantom Thief
OOO"
"I... Don't get it." Conan had been staring at the card for a full hour and he still hadn't been able to figure out what KID meant by it.
Ran hummed in slight concern, not accustomed to Conan being stumped by something for such a lengthy period of time. "Well, what did you say to him? Tell me and maybe I can help."
"I didn't say much! At least nothing to warrant this kind of response!" Conan whined. "I just told him that he's a no-good thief and that I can't imagine anyone'd want to be his Valentine, but I wished him a happy day anyway and I signed it."
"Is that all?" Ran asked, trying to make sure. She'd heard both Shinichi and Conan do the same when conducting investigations: Prompt for any more possible information that could have been left out.
"Well, I did put three X-es at the end, because you said it means 'no good,' right? And I told him I enjoyed the heist that night... Is it because I said I had fun playing with him?" Conan wondered aloud.
Ran, meanwhile, was staring wide-eyed down at the boy. She wanted to apologize and to be embarrassed because, oh Lord, she had once told Conan when he asked that if someone (usually a girl) put X-es at the end of a message it meant 'no good'. She'd said that at the time because she was too embarrassed to tell him the truth.
She opened her mouth to tell him how sorry she was, but... She couldn't help the giggles that burst from her.
"Oh, Conan, I-!" She had difficulty getting out what she needed to say between her laughs. "I-I'm so, so sorry! They, those-the X-es... They don't mean 'no good'!" She tried to stifle her giggling behind a hand, her face turning red from embarrassment and laughter. "X-es mean kisses. I just said they meant 'no good' at the time because I didn't want to tell you... I-I'm so sorry!"
Ran, Conan decided, did not look very sorry at the moment. She was trying to reign in her laughter, honest she was, but she wasn't doing a very good job of it.
Conan soon turned an even brighter shade of red than his bow-tie. Because, WHAT?! REALLY?!
"Oh, Ran-nee-chan, PLEASE, tell me you're joking!" He begged, but Ran only shook her head, finally getting herself a bit more under control.
"I-I'm sorry Conan-kun! I guess that's why KID-san said you'd have to at least wait a few years."
"And he thought I was being hypocritical by calling him a flirt..." Conan added as evidence to support the theory.
Ran nodded. "And those three circles he put at the end of his note? Those are the symbols for hugs. I guess he's saying he wouldn't mind a hug, but kissing's too much." Ran frowned a little. "You don't think KID-san could actually be a creep, do you...?"
As much as Conan wanted to shout 'Of course he is!' He held it back and sighed. "No, he's probably just laughing his butt off because I've made a total fool of myself." Conan chose this moment to plop onto the couch of the Mouri Detective Agency like a beached star-fish, groaning into the cushions and looking highly dejected.
Ran giggled again, this time much more softly and for a shorter amount of time. "I really am sorry, Conan. I guess it's my fault because I didn't tell you the truth about what those X-es meant from the start. I guess I think you're a bit too young, but, well, that can't be helped at this point, can it?" She sighed, patting Conan on the head comfortingly, his cow-lick springing up and down as she pet him. "And I don't suppose we have a way to contact KID and explain what happened either, so you're just going to have to live with it. At least for a while. Maybe you can corner him at his next heist and talk to him?"
"I never wanna talk to him ever again," was Conan's mumbled reply, his face still buried in the couch cushions. "And if I told him what happened his teasing would just be worse! I'd never live it down!" He lifted his head to say this before plopping it back down.
'Wait a minute...' Conan thought to himself. 'After that case where Ran told me that X-es meant "no good" she sent me, Shinichi, an email with three X-es at the end, didn't she? I thought she meant I was three-times no good, but...'
Conan's face, which had just been regaining its usual color and hue, then heated up once more, and he was thankful his face was still buried in the couch cushions and hidden from Ran's view.
"Damn stupid thief. This is all his fault!"
Approximately forty-one kilometers away in the Ekoda district, Kuroba Kaito sneezed***….
….
An almost wicked smile crossed Ran's face. "You know what though?" She asked, and Conan could hear the trouble brewing in her voice. "Sonoko's going to love hearing about this!"
Conan snapped instantly. "Don't you dare!"
Ran only laughed before exiting the room, leaving a horror-stricken Conan to groan into the couch some more. She wouldn't actually tell Sonoko: Ran owed Conan, after all, since it was kind of her fault he was in this mess. But what Conan didn't know wouldn't hurt him…. Much….
….
Sure enough, at the next heist, Conan didn't talk to the thief as he normally might have. Instead KID found himself dodging power-kicked projectiles fervently.
"Oi! It's not my fault you did that Tantei-kun! Don't take it out on me! And you should know better than to be so mean to your possible future lover~!"
*SWOSH*
"Eeep!" KID would forever deny having squeaked.
*TWACK*
A black and white ball collided with the wall near where KID's head had been milliseconds before, cracking the concrete.
"SHUT UP!"
～終わり～
*Akiten (秋天) = A Kiten = A Kitten. (Lol. Bet you weren't expecting that!)
**This translates basically to "Ms. Great Detective's Girl" or to "The Great Detective's Little Lady" or anything like that.
***Ekoda, unlike Beika, is a real district in Tokyo, Japan (for those who didn't know that). So whenever I'm looking at a map of Tokyo for inspiration, I use Ekoda as Ekoda (obviously), and the Edogawa prefecture in place of the fictional district of Beika. It takes approximately one hour and forty minutes to travel by bus between Ekoda and Edogawa. Edogawa is closer to the heart of Tokyo, to its East, while Ekoda is a bit further out, to the South-West. It takes just under an hour to travel by car between the two places. If Kaito was flying or Conan was using his skateboard? I imagine it'd take even less time. Probably twenty minutes by glider and thirty by board, though those are complete guesses. Just a bit of info, in case anyone was interested. ^^
Also, for anyone who doesn't know: That thing about Ran saying X-es meant "no good" and sending a text to Shinichi that he thought the three X-es meant she was saying he was three-times no good is real. It comes from Detective Conan episodes 271&272. English case title: "The Secret Rushed Omission".
Well anyway, that's it for this one-shot! Hope you enjoyed the story! Please review, yeah? ;)
And again, Happy Valentine's Day 2018~!