Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto; genius Kishimoto does.
Warning: This is pointless, I swear as God is my witness. This is also in KakaIru livejournal community and is requested by saelemi.
...
So it goes down to something this simple, huh? Hatake Kakashi brooded over his toast. If truth be told, it wasn't anything near simple; in fact, its complexity rendered it hardly containable on a twenty-inch by thirty-inch plan paper. All things considered, it could have a few parallels, if none at all. It is a wonder what measures people would take just to have the dice rolling at their favor, and, right at this moment, the Jounin was rearing his actions after these people's examples. He surveyed the list of the tasks he formulated; the end of which would supposedly grant him the ultimate prize. The prize = having a certain Chunin as his date in the upcoming Festival.
...
First Task: Eliminate all possible threats, rivals, that is.
Shizune was one thing; Anko was a whole load of another, a mountain-high mound of trouble to be precise, and Naruto was…he couldn't tell.
Now Kakashi was spinning his wicked wheels in motion as he strode down the hallway outside Tsunade's office slowly, so as to 'chance' upon the person he most needed to encounter at the moment. Shizune. Oh how he wanted to be absolved of such responsibility and, the longer he waited, the more the sliding minutes threatened to exceed his patience resource. At long annoying last, he heard a metal click indicative of the doorknob. Yes, indeed, Shizune had just emerged from the Hokage's office.
"Yosh, Shizune-kun."
"Good afternoon, Kakashi-sensei."
The Jounin was itching to get over his deeds without delay, so,
"Who's the lucky guy you're going to the festival with?" Kakashi asked mechanically, as though it came out of his mouth purely out of leisure.
The unsuspecting medic turned red, "Er, I was thinking of asking Iruka-kun if no one was to ask me…"
"I see. Well, do so if you must. But remember not to disregard that ancient superstition."
"Superstition?"
The conniving Jounin began to explain, "Yeah. It's a common practice even among us modern men to avoid temptations, for the reason that something like that almost always spells ruin. If you like Iruka-kun, if you truly do, you shouldn't go to the festival with him. It is said that attending public revelries with your prospect lover bodes bad luck. In many accounts, most of these cases resulted to the couples being sundered, and they were never reconciled afterwards. Come to think of it, some even led to deception, chaos, even death." He finished in an ominous tone. Shizune shuddered at the thought and stopped in her tracks, not noticing that Kakashi was fighting against exhibiting his fondness to causing shock. A satisfied grin could easily be discerned upon closer inspection of his mask.
"Really?"
"Really. So, think about it. I mean, look at me. I've thought hard, that's why I'm not asking you to be my date. I'll go ahead now to free myself from the temptations you're laying before me." With that, he wheeled around and headed to the opposite direction, leaving the medic ninja blushing profusely from the disarming charm he administered upon her.
Mission accomplished.
...
Anko was just about every bit of the hindrance that could potentially frustrate his plans. Shizune had been a breeze while this Kunoichi would be another story. But ha! He wouldn't be breaking a sweat on this one any more than he found his plight with the previous obstacle vexing. In short, he had it all covered.
At the library, Anko was organizing a number of delicate manuscripts.
"Need a hand with that, beauty?" Kakashi had just entered the scene.
"Ah, just the man I need." The delighted Kunoichi answered.
Kakashi started busying his arms by squeezing the scattered volumes one by one into their respective places.
"So, Kakashi-san, who's gonna be the lucky lady you're asking to the festival?" Anko initiated the chit-chat. Kakashi once again cracked an unseen smirk beneath the impenetrable secrecy that was his mask. A blessed relief it was. It appeared that patterning the flow of things after his desires demanded no great skill at all.
"I haven't thought about it, and you?" He asked.
"Iruka-sensei, if he consents. I haven't asked." Anko answered without the faintest trace of embarrassment.
"I see. Why him? He's a pretty busy person."
"He won't be; everyone will be off duty around that time." Anko replied informingly with much emphasis on the word 'everyone'.
"I know. What I meant was, he's most likely gonna spend his time with his former and favorite student, Naruto. Additionally, Sai may be tagging along too since everyone else will most probably be enjoying the festivities with his family or sweetheart. Taking into account the fact that the three of them have neither family nor sweetheart, the possibility of their sticking up together is all to great."
Anko withdrew her hands from her tasks and stared in mild astonishment at the Shinobi. Just then her eyebrows drooped down their sides before she spoke,
"Hmm… I guess you're right. I wouldn't want to deprive these orphans of company for the pursuit of my selfish ends. Thanks for enlightening me, Kakashi-san."
"It's nothing, I assure you." Kakashi ascertained.
Mission definitely accomplished.
...
There was a knock on Naruto's apartment's door.
"Coming!"
The Genin was greeted by Kakashi's merry uncovered eye.
"Hello, Naruto. Want to go for some ramen? My treat."
"Hang on, sensei." And the blond zoomed out of sight to grab his jacket and was back in what might have been a millionth of a second.
At the ramen shop,
"You should start eating vegetables too, or you'll catch illness as easily as I can get a copy of Icha Icha." Kakashi started, sounding genuinely concerned for his student's health.
"I don't get ill, sensei."
"Are you and Sakura going out, Naruto?"
The contents of the Genin's mouth went spewing in high velocity off his mouth. Kakashi thought of reevaluating his schemes, as he might have had given his student a good reason to be sent to the hospital. Naruto finally recovered after a fitful of coughing but was panting heavily,
"What made you think that?"
"Nothing. Are you?"
"Nah." The Genin answered gloomily.
"Well, it might be a good point asking her to go with you at the festival."
"Well…I considered it at first, but I already set my mind on going with Iruka-sensei and Sai because we're a bunch of losers…"
"You won't be one of the losers if you manage to convince her to come with you instead." Kakashi encouraged the dejected teen.
"Yeah, but I promised Sai—"
"—Sai's old enough to take care of himself. Besides, it's not like he's gonna mind, what with his questionable emotional capacity or lack thereof. And on top of everything, Iruka's gonna be with him. I may be able to join them if I have time."
"You will?"
"Yeah, if it makes you feel better."
"Oh, sensei, you're the best! Next to Iruka-sensei, that is. And, er, I wish Sakura would consent!" Naruto exclaimed. The excitement and anticipation descending on him showed no evidence of their ever running dry.
"Only, take your time. Don't do anything unnecessary and try to avoid those actions that may occasion her discomfort and lead to awkwardness, okay? You'll be getting the entire evening to enjoy at your preference." Kakashi lectured. Or he might as good have told the Genin to stay away from Iruka. The truth was, he had foreseen the possibility of Naruto getting bored with Sakura and seeking his favorite sensei's company instead.
"Thanks, sensei!"
Mission ingeniously accomplished.
...
Second Task: Ask him out.
What was solely at stake was his reputation. If he were to ask Iruka too early he might appear to be desperate, which he actually was, mind you. If he were, however, to ask too late, at the last minute, as such was the likely event, he would undoubtedly end up looking like a total loser for not managing to snatch a date at such a critical time; perhaps everyone he asked turned him down, one would think. In between too late and too early, he just couldn't do it. In any case, he didn't give a damn about this arbitrary law of society because, to start with, it certainly had no foundation in nature and science. In short, he was being a chicken. Reputation be damned.
He made up his mind; he would just tag along with Iruka and kick Sai out of the scene by whatever means. Desperate options occur in times of inclemence, he thought. Nevertheless, he cursed himself for being dependably unreliable in matters concerning social forms and observances.
Mission partly accomplished.
...
Third Task: Enjoy the evening.
The awaited evening arrived. Kakashi examined his countenance in the mirror. Handsome face: checked. Gorgeous hakama: checked. Amiable expression: checked. Untidy hair for cool effect: checked. Sexy body: duh. His practiced eye could not detect anything to criticize. What a princely sight he thought he was; all that was missing was a merry crown and a white steed.
There at the riverside where the Festival was being held, a strange anxiety was pursuing him. He idled around the banks, alone and desolate, when a shadow was thrown over his figure. Sai and Iruka had spotted him, much to the Jounin's unexpected delight. A pleasant surprise it was too.
"Having a good time alone?" Iruka asked with a smile, the kind of which left Kakashi defenseless.
"Not much." The Jounin answered, feigning dismay.
"Come with us, then."
The trio squeezed their way into the crowd. At length, Kakashi spoke,
"Say, Sai, why aren't you with your comrades, Sakura and Naruto?" A sizzling impatience was swarming through him as he struggled to stop himself from pushing the Anbu to the river, if only to award him and the Chunin privacy.
"They're having a private time together. Naruto promised to join us later on, though."
The Jounin frowned. Moments ago, images of him and Iruka sauntering along the riverside were so vividly planted in his head that he could almost touch them. Now, all he was seeing was his doubtful success. As his prevalent absence of mind strained his brooding, he didn't notice Shizune skipping her steps toward their direction. He was shaken off his thoughts when he heard Iruka's announcement,
"There's Shizune."
"Ohayou, Sai-kun, Kakashi-sensei, and Iruka-sensei." The medic bubbled and beamed at them.
Apparently, she was not able to find a date, so at this moment Kakashi's plans busted off to microscopic pieces. As things stood, he now had two persons to expel. And if Naruto arrives, as what Sai had reported, he thought, that would mean two more because Sakura would unquestionably side along with the Genin. In consequence, vexation was in full swing, irritation was irrigating through his veins, and this was a disaster in the making.
Before he knew it, Shizune was engaged in a full-blown flirtation with Iruka. Kakashi's cheeks flushed in indignation. To his temporary relief, they reached an ice cream stand, which stole the Chunin's attention. Iruka volunteered to treat them before asking Sai for assistance Soon they guttered out, leaving Kakashi and Shizune alone. In consequence, Kakashi found it too tempting to question the medic.
"I thought you liked Iruka. Why are you attaching yourself to him now? Have you forgotten about the superstition I warned you about?" He asked her as kindly as he could manage.
"No. But, uhm, I think it would be okay if Iruka-san and I didn't end up together, I mean, uhm…" And she couldn't go any further. She was sweat-dropping, and her cheeks were all pumped up with color.
"Well?"
"I, oh Kakashi-san," her hesitation was rendering her incomprehensible. She continued anyway, "If there's someone I don't want to be with tonight, it would be you, Kakashi-san! Oh don't ask anymore, please!"
It dawned on the Jounin finally. Shizune had developed an infatuation for him when he flirted with her days ago in order to convince her not to ask Iruka as her date. So now she didn't mind if the superstition threw its shadow on her and ruined her chances with Iruka because god knows what. He had unintentionally invited attraction. In more general terms, his plan backfired full blast in his face, and injuriously at that.
Sai and Iruka emerged from the crowd and handed them their cones. Just then, a distant clamoring was heard. It was Anko. Kakashi simply refused to believe his misfortune even as the Jounin Kunoichi came pushing her way in their direction, congenially waving her hand in the air. With the ruckus she was making, she would have been more noticeable than an escaped rhino. Conjecturally damned as his plans for the evening were, Kakashi spoke before Shizune and Iruka could express their joy at the expansion of their company.
"Why, Anko, where's your date?" The Jounin inquired.
"Well, Kakashi, I thought over what you said to me in the library. I figured if you partner-less and family-less lot would stick together, I might as well join the club since I myself am an orphan too." Anko finished, shaking her head gladly.
At this point, Kakashi became wholly convinced that the one sure thing he could claim exclusive mastery on was receiving backfires. He pined away, stealing glimpses of the Chunin as he sighed in slow succession. Why was he bearing the brunt of fate's squalls alone? He thought. He listlessly marched along the company and, as playful and mischievous as fate was, a pair of teens, each of warm-colored head, came rushing their way toward them through the miniature gaps between the clustered people. You gotta be kidding me, Kami-sama.
"Kakashi-sensei, you came!" Naruto greeted. Sakura tripped on her step behind him.
"Yosh." The Jounin answered with less enthusiasm than he ought to employ. At this point, hope had departed from him completely. He knew it too well; making Naruto go away was like trying to uproot a 200-year old elm tree with his bare hands without resorting to chakra. Not to mention the presence of 4 more weeds, this was a disaster. He sighed sordidly.
Naruto had just finished giving lively cordialities to the others. He paced up beside the Jounin and whispered in his ears,
"I took what you said to heart, 'take it slow'. I didn't want to produce those awkward moments and cause her embarrassment and discomfort so I decided to look for others who would enjoy the evening with us. Good thing I found you guys. It would surely just quicken my advances if we were to stay on our own until the festival ended; I wouldn't have been able to stop myself and would have disgusted her! But then I remembered our conversation at the ramen shop. Thanks for the advice, Kakashi-sensei."
Kakashi's ears were forced to absorb Naruto's merry story against his mental protests and pleas. That wasn't one, not two, but three backfires hurled at him all in this 30 miserable minutes of his life. Why does he have to be so fucking popular anyway?! He thought and looked at Iruka grudgingly. Here was karma, being as blatant as the fucking sun, and anything less harmful would just be a mere pin prick. So, what's taking the penance so effing long for that time when I tricked Obito into peeping at Rin while she was hitting the shower? Let those lightning bolts come rolling down on me for all I effing care, as if things aren't faring moronically enough! Correction please; this isn't a disaster; it's a perverse horror.
Mission failed, it rest assuredly was. Maybe…
The night was gaining height, and the only thing that was keeping Kakashi from bidding them farewell was Iruka's presence. Perhaps it was worth the trouble after all. Being there, watching the Chunin crack his most beautiful smile, watching him completely immersed in absolute bliss… made the Jounin sigh.
He could mingle in their happy circle, but he instead decided to keep his distance to muse. Negative often meant nothing more than the preface of the affirmative, he thought. Maybe he should just let this chance go; there would still be hundreds of more to come anyway. He extricated himself from the company, sank into a seat on the fresh grass along the river's lip, and raised his face up the sky for the breeze to touch.
"Why aren't you joining in?" It was Iruka.
"I suppose enjoying the sky suits me better than catching goldfish in a mini-pool."
Iruka gave a hearty laugh.
Kakashi spoke again, "And you? Goldfish isn't your thing? It fits you like a glove, if you ask me." He finished, his voice had a teasing ring to it.
Iruka stuck out his tongue, a playful execution which wasn't entirely unknown in his case, but it made Kakashi's heart skip a full beat anyway. The Chunin answered, "I do enjoy it, but the festival has come to an end, which means…" he could not finish and was starting to blush.
"Which means what? It's not like the stalls are closing. They'll stay open until the last person retires to his home" Kakashi said as the gust of homeless winds pushed him closer to pine for Iruka's proximity.
The Chunin sighed and shook his head, as if he was compelled against his will to make a bold confession. At long last, he spoke, "Not that. It means I can rub elbows with you now that the clock has struck 12 and the alleged consequential superstition is lifted."
"Superstition?"
"Shizune told me about it yesterday. I couldn't get close to you earlier because that might just ruin my chance, just as that ancient superstition dictates…" Iruka was reciting reluctantly.
Kakashi could hardly believe his ears. Even so, he found his voice and slowly he spoke, "That which says that if two people stow themselves away like lovers on the night of this festival they will end up full of misery and unhappiness? If they pursue their relationship afterward no good will come of it, is that it?"
"You know it well, don't you?"
Of course Kakashi knew it well; he invented the silly hearsay, for Pete's sake! And this one backfired at him too. He never expected the medic Kunoichi to take it as seriously as to even share the made-up, out-of-nowhere information with another person. What was worse was that not only did the other person happen to be his Iruka, but he also subscribed to the stupid shit. To top it off, for that ridiculous reason, the Chunin was keeping a safe distance from him earlier. It was too absurdly unlucky on the Jounin's part, and yet...it wasn't altogether so bad.
"Well…"
"Well…"
"I guess we didn't ruin our chance after all." Kakashi said, inching closer to the Chunin and stealthily reaching for his hand.
"Yeah, I guess so too." Iruka answered, and he received the other's groping hand to touch it with his lips.
Mission finally accomplished.
END