Disclaimer: Avatar: The Last Airbender is a trademark of Nickelodeon and is used entirely without profit in this story. Who needs money when I get so many fuzzy feelings from displaying my comedic genius? Uhm, I mean, from entertaining you!
Summary: The cast of Avatar is starring in several blockbuster movies this holiday seasons, all of which are not coming to a theater near you! OOC like you wouldn't believe!
Author's Note: Well, here I am in the Spirit Library to ask He Who Knows A Thousand Things where the idea for this fic came from. The trailers are my favorite part of the movie, but how I conceived this montrosity is a mystery to me.
Wan Shi Tong: It is because you are, as they say in your world, "Effing nuts."
Thank you, giant owl spirit! Hey, do you have an "adult" section in that library of yours...?
Wan Shi Tong: (Long pause) ...Maybe.
Cool! Anyway, since Sokka likes to play as a detective, why not let him star as one in a cop story? Read on and hopefully enjoy while Tong here shows me the good stuff.
Bold - Narration
(In Parentheses) - onscreen
Chapter One: The Buddy Picture
Coming soon from the creators of "Momo's Happy Happy Funland Time"...
SOKKA: Life... life is pain...
Directed by the guy that directed that one movie with the robots...
SOKKA: And... it can hurt...
No, the other movie with robots. The one with Will Smith?
SOKKA: I don't know why it has to hurt so much...
Seriously, didn't you see that movie? It was awesome.
SOKKA: But it does hurt... a lot.
Did you see that one part where Will is falling down that computer core and his arm is digging into it? That was sweet!
SOKKA: But at least you know... that you're alive... when you hurt... a lot.
If I was gay, I would probably be hot for Will Smith... wait, where was I? Oh, right...
BENDING THE LAW
A movie about bending the rules and busting some heads.
And, uh, family. Yeah, a little family stuff. Here and there.
POLICE CHIEF DIANPAO: Sokka, you need a partner. It's a dangerous city out there, and we can't have a buddy film without a buddy.
DETECTIVE SOKKA: Sorry, Chief, but people around me tend to end up dying. Fatally. As in they won't be back for the sequel.
He had lost too much...
SOKKA: Jet, don't go in there without back-up!
SOON-TO-BE-DECEASED DETECTIVE JET: I'm an angsty rebel, Sokka, back-up is not an option! FOR MOMMY AND DADDY!
SOKKA: JET! That's... a broom closet...
But a broom closet... of DEATH...
SOKKA: DAMMIT, JET!
JET: (shot multiple times in the chest and kicked once in the shin) Sokka... I know you're upset... you blame yourself for this but...
SOKKA: No, I don't! It's just that you're wearing that jacket I loaned you! Geez, you couldn't have left it in the car?!
JET: I have a confession to make... something I need get... off my chest...
SOKKA: You ate the last of my seal jerky? That's not a problem, man...
JET: Well, that... and I did your sister.
SOKKA: ...did what?
JET: In every position... in the Kama Sutra...
SOKKA: Isn't that the book with all the... oh, you are so lucky you're dying, dude...
JET: Twice a day... for three weeks...
SOKKA: Jet?
JET: Or was four?
SOKKA: Jet...
JET: Three and a half... at least...
SOKKA: Jet...
JET: And at your birthday party... when you were opening your presents... we were in the next room... in your favorite chair...
SOKKA: Okay, Jet? If you don't die right now I'm going to kill you, so be a pal and help me avoid a murder charge.
JET: Okay... bye bye... (dramatic music plays as Jet kicks the bucket, buys the farm, heads to the big treehouse in the sky, etc.)
SOKKA: Damn... now I have to fill out his paperwork, too! After I throw out my chair...
A family that is at its breaking point...
KATARRA: I'm a grown woman and an incredibly hot assistant district attorney, Sokka, I can sleep with whoever I want! And sue them if I get herpes!
SOKKA: But doing it in my Lay-Z-Boy? So wrong!
RETIRED DETECTIVE HAKODA: Now, kids, you both have valid points, but I think the best compromise is-hold up! Who did you say gave my baby girl the business?!
SOKKA: Jet, but he's dead.
HAKODA: Oh, good. Uhm, unless you loved him, sweetheart.
KATARRA: Meh...
SOKKA: DAMMIT, JET! Couldn't you do anything right?! If you're gonna get frisky with my little sister you could at least perform! Help me with this chair, Dad?
Relationships are put to the test...
AGGRESSIVE METER MAID SUKI: I know you miss Yue, Sokka, but I'm here now! And I'm not dead, that's gotta count for something, right?
SOKKA: Not yet! But every female lead I've gotten with kicks the bucket, buys the farm, heads to the big treehouse in the sky, etc. She died because of me!
SUKI: Sokka, she died because some idiot ignored the "No Fishing" sign at the Spirit Oasis. If you need me, I'll be putting my makeup on since you've already got yours.
SOKKA: It's war paint! (looks up at the moon) Yue, give me a sign that it's okay to put make-up-I mean, war paint-on with another girl. (Yue appears in her flowing Moon Spirit dress) Yue!
YUE: Sokka, we need to talk...
SOKKA: Let me start! First of all... have you seen my boxer shorts? The ones with the hearts and boomerangs on it? It says "I Heart Boomerangs" with a heart in the middle...
YUE: Sokka, it's okay to move on and be with Suki... especially since I'm seeing someone myself.
SOKKA: Oh... who's the lucky guy? Or girl, I'm not judging, that would be kinda hot actually...
JET: 'Sup, Sokka.
SOKKA: Hey there, Jet... you! You're the... DAMMIT, JET!
YUE: I was afraid you'd take this badly...
SOKKA: It's not that, I'm still pissed about the jacket! It was freakin' two hundred dollars!
JET: Sorry, man. I'd like to pay you back, but I'm kinda dead here.
SOKKA: Ah... it's cool. Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go touch up my make-up with Suki... I mean, war paint!
A new player enters the game...
DIANPAO: Sokka, meet your new partner. He just flew in from the mountains. Literally.
DETECTIVE AANG: (flies in on his glider) Hi there, Soaka!
SOKKA: It's Sokka.
AANG: Right! What'd I say?
SOKKA: Chief...
DIANPAO: It's either him, or the Crazy Foaming Guy from Kyoshi Village.
CRAZY FOAMING GUY: Gargle, gargle... (chokes on saliva)
SOKKA: (seriously considers, then turns to Aang) Welcome aboard, partner!
AANG: Thanks, Soaka! (gives Sokka a manly hug) You smell nice!
SOKKA: (eye twitches)
Boundaries are set...
SOKKA: Here's how it is: I've got seniority so I'm the boss, got it? You follow my lead, you speak when I tell you to and maybe this'll work out.
AANG: Yessir, Soaka!
SOKKA: Sock-KA, baldie, sock-KA! Geez... okay, it's your job to get us a ride so go down to the motorpool...
AANG: Already got one! (blows into bison-shaped whistle, summoning a very large flying creature that floats wobbily to the ground ) This is Appa, my sky bison! He's my animal guide and... ah, who am I kidding, I won him in a Pai Sho game with some "high-risk traders." He's a raging alcoholic and his farts are classified as natural disasters, but he flies really high!
SOKKA: Ah... okay. At least we'll beat traffic. (they board the sky bison) So, like... how does this thing get going? Do you prod it or ...?
AANG: YIP YIP! (Appa takes off)
SOKKA: MOMMY?!
They hit the streets looking for danger... and find it!
AANG: Soaka, are you sure this tea shop is a front for cactus juice dealers?
SOKKA: (eye twitching and teeth gritted) Sure as I know my little sister isn't a virgin anymore-and you don't even want to know how I know that, it involves a swimming pool and Cheerios. (kicks down doors to Iroh's Tea and Pawn Shop) Hands on the back of your heads, punks! This is the police! You! With the gut! Put down that teapot!
IROH: Is there a problem, officers?
AANG: Um, sir, we have information that you might possibly be...
SOKKA: PUT DOWN THE TEAPOT, YOU'VE GOT UNTIL THE COUNT OF THREE! THREE! TWO! (Iroh puts down the teapot) Better! Now I want all your employees against the wall!
IROH: My only employee is my nephew. Zuko, would you come out here... slowly, and with your hands in the air?
ZUKO: (comes out of the kitchen, slowly, and with his hands in the air) Yes, Uncle?
SOKKA: Zuko... that wouldn't be Zuko, the son of OZAI, would it?
ZUKO: No, just Zuko, the rest wouldn't fit on my driver's license, but yes, my father is Ozai, the businessman.
SOKKA: Businessman, huh?
ZUKO: Yes.
SOKKA: ...
ZUKO: ...
SOKKA: ...
ZUKO: ...
SOKKA: That's a big scar you got there.
ZUKO: Wow, you really are a detective.
SOKKA: ...
ZUKO: ...
SOKKA: ...
ZUKO: ...
IROH: ...
AANG: ...
IROH: ...he's very intense, your partner.
AANG: That's one way to put it...
SOKKA: So, where's the cactus juice, Scarface!
ZUKO: Never been called that before, you're very funny.
SOKKA: Thanks, I do a bit of stand-up... wait, you're mocking me, aren't you?
ZUKO: Of course not.
SOKKA: Well, you'd best be co-operative from now on 'cause we're going to search this place top to bottom until we see if there's...
AANG: Nothing here!
SOKKA: Huh?
AANG: I've already searched the place, sir, nothing here. Guess the tip was a bust. (to Iroh) Sorry about the disturbance, sir.
IROH: Not a problem, officer. Would you like some tea? The jasmine is particularly fresh today.
SOKKA: (still face-to-face with Zuko) I'm keeping an eye on you, pal.
ZUKO: You're not my type, detective... at least not in this fanfiction. (Aang and Sokka leave) Uncle, what was that about? We don't have any cactus juice... for sale.
IROH: I wonder... (looks out window at red limo across the street) who would say such a thing.
(in the red limo across the street)
PARTY GIRL TY LEE: I'm telling you guys, he's looking right at us!
EVIL INCARNATE AZULA: You're just jumpy, Ty Lee, his eyesight is as terrible as his tea.
BORED GOTH MAI: (in monotone) Yeah, get a grip. So what if he sees us and somehow knows we planted that cactus juice in his tea bags? He probably sold it to some idiots who are getting really high right now.
(Bumi's mansion across town)
MAYOR BUMI: (to Pakku) Dude, your face... it's melting!
JUDGE PAKKU: Oh, thanks. Maybe I can Bend it back. (waves hand in front of face and causes a fire hydrant on the sidewalk to explode into a geyser of water) Is it back?
FITNESS INSTRUCTOR JEONG JEONG: Now it's a map of Delaware. Man, just leave it; we might need to go to Delaware.
BUMI: Dude, your mom goes to Delaware! (everyone falls over laughing, even Jeong Jeong in his spandex work-out suit) Oh! I forgot to feed Flopsie. (waves a lava lamp in the air) Here boy! Come get your big, really hot carrot!
JEONG JEONG: Iroh makes the BEST... TEA... EVER! Chey, get me some chips, I got some serious munchies!
Love finds itself at a loss for words...
AROUSED KATARRA: (to Aang) Hello there, Mr. average height, bald and handsome.
BEFUDDLED AANG: H-H-H-i-i-i there. Wow, that legal suit is, uhm...
KATARRA: Too tight in the chest? I'm sorry, is that distracting?.
AANG: No, no! It's fine... really, really fine.
SOKKA: I will shoot you, monk boy, if those eyes stay where they are.
HAKODA: Great, the last one was a psychopath, the one before that one looked like a girl...
HARU: Hey! I'm a metro! Isn't my Johnny Depp moustache manly enough?
HAKODA: And this one's a freaking hippie. Are there any chances my grandchildren will turn out normal?
SOKKA: Hey, Dad, I made a police sketch of a suspect. Do you recognize this guy? (holds up a crayon drawing) Don't mind the rainbow, I put it there because it's pretty!
A THOROUGHLY DEPRESSED HAKODA: ...I knew I shouldn't have drank that cactus juice in high school...
Duty calls and they answer...
SOKKA: I cannot believe we're stuck guarding this spoiled little rich girl instead of hunting down the crime lord that killed Jet.
DEBUTANTE TOPH BEI FONG: I'm blind, not deaf, dumb ass. And I'm a material witness against this crime lord. I remember his voice 'cause it reminds me of Luke Skywalker. Or maybe the Joker.
AANG: Soaka, we already got the guy that shot Jet. Well, Appa got him when he landed on him, yuck.
SOKKA: Okay, first off: IT'S SOCK-KA. Second, it was OZAI that kicked him in the shin when he was down. If it wasn't for that kick Jet would still be...
TOPH: Doing your sister?
SOKKA: Huh?! How'd you know that?
TOPH: Detective, everyone has done your sister at some point. (Sokka looks at a grinning Toph, then at a whistling, sweating Aang)
SOKKA: DAMMIT... EVERYBODY! What is she, a subway line?!
Battles on the street and in the courtroom...
SEEDY DEFENSE ATTORNEY ZHAO: So, Miss Azula, is it true your cute little booty was nowhere in the vicinity of your uncle's tea shop that tragic evening?
AZULA AT HER SLUTTIEST: That's correct, my dear Zhao. I would much rather have spent that time with you and this book the late Detective Jet lent me... it's got illustrations...
KATARRA: Objection, your Honor! Counsel is shipping with the witness!
JUDGE PAKKU: Sustained. Let's try to keep things canon as much as possible, Zhao. Speaking of, how's your grandmother doing, Katarra?
KATARRA: She's doing fine. And Jeong Jeong, too.
JUDGE PAKKU: WTF?!??!!?
Lead to revelations on the brink of life and death...
(Sokka and Aang are hanging by the tail of a helicopter as it teeters off the edge of a burning building while Yu Yan snipers take pot-shots at them and Combustion Man blows up the building with his weird tattoo... it's a bad situation, okay?)
AANG: Soaka, I have something to get off my chest.
SOKKA: Oh, this never goes well...
AANG: I'm in love with your sister.
SOKKA: I'm a detective, I figured that out, but I can deal with that...
AANG: And I asked her to marry me.
SOKKA: WHAT?! Already?!
AANG: And... she's sorta going to have my baby.
SOKKA: But... but... you guys just met this morning?! It's not even noon yet!
AANG: What can I say: women love the bald guys.
SOKKA: ...really? (helicopter slides off the building) Ah, crap!
AANG: Don't worry, I can fly! (flies off on glider)
SOKKA: Oh, well, that's a relief... HEY! WHAT ABOUT ME?!
(later)
AANG: Wow, good thing that cabbage cart broke your fall, Sokka!
SOKKA: It's Soaka... no, I mean... son of a-!
CABBAGE MERCHANT: MY CABBAGES! A HELICOPTER fell on my cabbages! My insurance will not cover this!
AANG: Are you sure?
CM: Positive! I traded my "helicopter crash" plan for the "Air Bison" protection and... (Appa lands on the helicopter and cabbages, crushing them both) Yes! Score!
AANG: That's a lot of cole slaw... Appa, have you been drinking again?
APPA: (belches on Aang and sends him flying down the block)
SOKKA: Yeah, I think we can skip the breath analyzer test.
METER MAID SUKI: Whose air bison is that? It's illegally parked on the helicopter.
The truth begins to reveal itself...
SOKKA: (shines interrogation light on suspect) Drop this mute routine and tell me where Ozai is!
MOMO: ...?
As the forces of good and evil prepare to collide...
"BUSINESSMAN" OZAI: I understand you've been looking for me, detective.
SOKKA: I'm going to avenge my partner and shut down your cactus juice smuggling ring, Ozai! Read him his rights, Aang!
AANG: You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used to show how effing nuts you are in a court of law, you have the right to an attorney, if you cannot afford an attorney you may channel one of your past lives to aid in your defense... trust me, you don't want to do that, it never works.
KATARRA: Sokka?
SOKKA: KATARRA?! What are you doing in Ozai's penthouse?
KATARRA: ...
OZAI: ... awkward...
SOKKA: DAMMIT, KATARRA! He kicked Jet in the shin, he burned his kid's face half off, he got Firefly canceled... he's a bastard!
KATARRA: You're just mad that I get more action than you.
SOKKA: 'Course I'm mad, I'm the hero! Supposedly! I am so going to kick koolkame's... Ozai's makking a break for it! After him, Aang! Katarra, put on some clothes! Momo, don't crap all over the place!
MOMO: ... (craps all over the place)
SOKKA: DAMMIT, MOMO! Aang, you wanted to bring the monkey cat-thing, you're cleaning that up!
(on the roof)
OZAI: Fools! While I escape the country in my pimp helicopter, I will point and laugh at your ineptitude and peasant clothes!
SOKKA: Hey, I had a better jacket, but someone went and got shot in it...
"DEAD AND LOVING IT" JET: Dude, let it go!
OZAI: (get's into helicopter and flips the heroes a bird as it takes off) Goodbye, detectives, sucks to be you!
SOKKA: There goes my pension...
AANG: (whips out bison whistle) I'm calling Appa! It's Happy Hour, but it's our only chance!
SOKKA: Does that even work?! It never makes a sound!
(Aang blows on the whistle; Appa crash-lands on top of Ozai's helicopter, crushing it up but good)
SOKKA: I stand corrected.
AANG: Good boy, Appa! You can skip your AA meeting this week!
(Appa farts and blows the two detectives off the roof)
SOKKA: UGH, MY MOUTH WAS OPEN! AAAAANG! Use your glider!
AANG: I, uh, left it in your sister's apartment...
SOKKA: DAMMIT, AANG! Well, so much for a Bending The Law 2...
(a flying wheelchair snatches them out of the air)
AIR PATROL OFFICER TEO: Need a lift, detectives?
SOKKA: That's the best line you could come up with?
A.P.O. TEO: Hey, the author's getting tired, what can I do?
And the story draws to a close...
SOKKA: Good work, people, even to those that didn't actually do anything. Like Mr. Author, for example...
KOOLKAME: (in big, scary voice) WATCH IT, "SOAKA", OR YOU'LL BE STARRING IN A GIGLI PARODY NEXT CHAPTER... WITH YOU AS J. LO AND ZUKO AS AFFLECK!
SOKKA: ...shutting up now.
IROH: More tea, everyone?
SOKKA: Top me off, please! Well, Aang, I guess you're going to be part of the family. What are you going to name the kid?
AANG: Well, I wanted to name him after his uncle, if that's alright with you.
SOKKA: Hey, I insist!
AANG: (to Katarra's stomach) Hear that, little Soaka? Uncle Soaka says you can be a Soaka, too!
SOKKA: I am so happy, I don't even care that you're still mangling my name! Hey, Suki, how's about we have some kids?
SUKI: Great idea... as soon as you propose and find us a house in a good neighborhood.
SOKKA: I'll get back to you on that... so, Iroh, now that you've reclaimed your family business, what's next?
IROH: I was thinking about buying out Starbucks and expanding my tea house into a franchise.
BUMI, PAKKU, AND JEONG JEONG: RIGHTEOUS! IROH'S TEA IS THE BEST!
IROH: Uh, thank you, boys... (Pakku starts beating Jeong Jeong down for getting with Kanna) By the way, has anyone seen my nephew? (everyone looks at him with blank expressions) The kid with the scar and the angst? Oh, come on...
(meanwhile, at the still-smoking wreck of Ozai's helicopter...)
ZUKO: Father, I had so many things I wanted to say to you... but the author wouldn't up the rating for the language. Welp, I'm off to get that plastic surgery with my trust fund money so... rot in hell! (leaves whistling and kicking heels together)
(the wreckage stirs, and a mangled hand appears)
OZAI: Did those fools really think I would die so easily?! No, there willl be a reckoning and... a trilogy! (laughes evilishly before Appa drops on the wreckage again) Ow-sers...
The End
Author's Note: What the crap is this?! "Adult contemporary?" What does that even mean?!
Wan Shi Tong: We have the new Danielle Steel, if you'd like that.
I'd rather bath Appa with my tongue than read Danielle Steel, it's not manly!
Wan Shi Tong: And you are?
Alright, fine, I gotta go anyway before you throw a hissy fit and bury the library again. Well, readers, I hope you enjoyed the nonsense that came from my mind; if not, I regret to inform you that there is another chapter to come, one where Aang takes on the most dangerous challenge of his life: parodying Vin Diesel's xXx. Here's a little insert that's sure to make you hate me:
AANG: I wish I had a video camera...
KATARRA: Because you're about to do an incredibly dangerous yet wickedly cool stunt?
AANG: No, because my insurance company is never going to believe this... FIRE! (Katarra cuts the catapult's rope and Aang goes flying into the mouth of the unagi)
Well, til next time...
SPIRIT LIBRARY P.A.: The library will be collapsing under in the desert in five minutes. We kindly advise you to run like hell to the exits and also be sure to visit our gift shop to get your very own fox plushies...
Yikes! Gotta hurry! I want one of those plushies!
Wan Shi Tong: Oh, that's manly.
STFU, owl face!