Title: Do You Want Me to Drive You to the Airport?
Summary: Continuation of S2Ep7 Maura changes her mind and decides to take Jane up on her offer to drive Maura to the airport. Rizzles, I Promise.
Disclaimer: I own all sorts of things. In fact I own so much I just had a yard sale to get rid of some of it. Unfortunately, Rizzoli and Isles are not among the things that I own They belong to the Tess Gerritsen and the lucky folks at TNT.
A/N: I was really ticked off by the last episode and this came to me last night. I had to write it even though there are about 8 million other things I should be doing ;-) I hope you like it. Let me know what you think.
"Do you want me to drive you to the airport?" What the fuck? Jane regretted the question the moment she uttered it. What if Maura said yes? It was bad enough knowing that Maura would never return her feelings but the thought of Maura living thousands of miles away in Africa was unbearable.
Moments later she regretted her selfishness when she thought about what Maura had just said, She had called Ian the love of her life and asked, "How can you love someone and not be able to be with them?"
Jane knew all about that kind of pain and she didn't want Maura to have to suffer through it. Still, she couldn't bring herself to argue to further in favor of Maura going to Africa to be with Ian. She breathed an internal sigh of relief and set about doing whatever she could to make Maura feel better, starting with a fierce hug.
Jane offered to stay the night but Maura said she needed to be alone. Jane said she understood and left but made Maura promise to call her if she needed her.
Maura didn't call and Jane didn't see her until she stopped by the morgue the next morning to check on Maura with a cup of her favorite specialty coffee from the shop down the street. When she entered the morgue Maura wasn't there so Jane checked her office. Maura was sitting at her desk typing away on her computer. She looked as if she hadn't gotten much sleep but all things considered she looked much better than Jane had expected. In fact she looked happy.
Jane cleared her throat, "Hey Maura, how ya holding up?" Jane's low voice was ripe with sympathy. To her surprise Maura looked up with a big grin.
"I'm doing great" she said beaming at Jane. Jane was understandably confused but before she could form the words to ask Maura what had changed Maura continued.
I've been thinking about our last conversation all night and I've decided the answer to your question is "Yes, I'd like you to take me to the airport! Not right away of course there are all sorts of details to be worked out first, but I've decided you were right. Why shouldn't I go to Africa to be with Ian? In fact, was just typing up my letter of resignation. I'm giving two weeks notice but I'm hoping they can let me go sooner. I've already arranged for a temporary ME and my staff knows the procedures well enough to brief my permanent replacement once one is found. There's so much to do if I'm going to leave in a month!"
Maura was so caught up in relating the details of her happy news and making lists in her head about everything that need to be done that she completely missed the stricken look on Jane's face or the way she slumped momentarily against the door frame. Sadness, fear, and resignation warred on Jane's face before she wrestled her emotions under control.
"Good for you Maura," she said quietly. "I'm happy for you" and again Maura missed the undercurrent of sadness in Jane's voice. Jane was happy for Maura. She wanted Maura to be happy and if Ian was the one who did that for her how could Jane stand in her way. At the same time she was deeply, achingly sad for herself. The thought that she would no longer get to see Maura every day, that she might never see her again was like a crushing weight on her chest. She could barely breathe and tears were forming in her eyes.
Mercifully, her cell phone buzzed at that moment indicating an incoming text. She stared at it blindly at her phone through her tears and said, "It's Frost, a we've got to interview a witness in the Miller case. I'll stop by later. Congratulations Maura". That last cost her dearly.
She turned quickly stumbling through the morgue and out into the hall. She ran for the stairs afraid of getting stuck on the elevator with someone she knew. She stopped at her desk long enough to grab her purse and keys and to tell Frost she was taking the day off to deal with a personal emergency. "No problem Jane, I've got you covered. Is there anything I can do to help?" he called after her, but she was already gone.
She made her way through the parking lot to her car with tears streaming down her face. She bumped into a uni late for work and rushing through the parking lot. She mumbled a lame apology and kept right on going without even looking up.
Momentarily stunned Frankie called out after her "Janie are you alright, what happened? Is it Mom or Pop?" but she didn't hear him. He chased after her but she was in her car and gone before he could catch up.
Frankie pulled out his phone to call his partner as he ran back to his car. "Hey Jim, it's Frank, I've got a family emergency can you cover for me today?"
"Yeah sure Frank, no problem. Do what you gotta do. Let me know if I can help."
"Thanks Jim I owe you." Frankie was already on his way out of the police parking lot searching for Jane's car. Fortunately she did not seem to be in a hurry. In fact, for Jane, she was practically meandering. Frankie had no trouble tailing her to her apartment.
Jane had a reserved parking space but Frankie had to search for a spot. By the time he found one and fed the meter Jane was already in her apartment. He knocked but Jane didn't answer. He knocked again and shouted, "Jane it's Frankie let me in".
"Go away Frankie, please."
"No Janie, I saw you crying at the police station. What's going on? Please let me in." There was no response. "Jane you're scaring me here. If you don't let me in I'll kick the damn door down!"
He heard the deadbolt being pulled back and the door being unlocked and the door opened. He caught a quick glimpse of Jane's tear stained face as she turned and walked over to her sofa neither inviting him in now barring his entry.
"Talk to me Janie, what happened?"
Part of Jane wanted to crawl into a hole and lick her wounds but another part of her needed to tell someone what was going on. She trusted Frankie more than anyone in the world aside from Maura.
"Okay but first there's something I need to tell you and I don't think your going to like it. Jane had never told anyone she was bisexual. Before Maura there had never been a need. She'd dated women off and on through college and the police academy but it was never serious enough to risk telling her family and possibly being disowned.
Jane took a steadying breath and blurted out, "I'm a lesbian and I'm in love with Maura".
Frankie looked at her for a moment, and said "and?" drawing the word out for a beat or two.
"What do you mean 'and'. I drop this huge bomb on you and all you can say is 'and'? What the hell is that supposed to mean."
Frankie smirked at his big sister and said, "It means, 'and' tell me something I don't already know."
Jane starred a Frankie nonplussed but in the end she was too upset about losing Maura to deal with the fact that Frankie already new about her sexual orientation and the fact that she was in love with her best friend. With tears streaming down her face she said "And Maura is moving to Africa to live with Ian, the love of her life."
Frankie was shocked, he had so many questions but this was not the time. He kept his questions to himself and wrapped his arms around his big sister while she cried herself out.
That had been a month ago. The worst month of Jane's life, during which she'd played the part of dutiful best friend to a T. She had helped Maura with realtors and packers and storage facilities. She had agreed to sell her car for her and even take care of Bass until Maura could determine if Africa was a healthy environment for her beloved pet. If not Jane had agreed to keep him indefinitely. She had rejoiced with Maura and listened to endless details of what Maura would be doing in Africa, where Ian and Maura would be living. She heard all about the local tribes and the poor state of their medical care.
She plastered a smile on her face and locked her tears away until she was alone in her bedroom, where she cried herself to sleep each night, those nights that she didn't spend with Maura. The nights she spent with Maura were a sweet torture. She'd spend most of the night watching Maura sleep, burning the memory of Maura's beautiful face into her memory. As hard as it was to be with Maura, to witness her happiness, her apparent lack of regret at having to leave her best friend behind, Jane couldn't tear herself away. Soon she would be losing Maura, possibly forever, and she wanted to spend every possible moment with her until that time.
At the moment, Jane, Maura, and Frankie were sitting alone in the Homicide bullpen. Maura, had come in to pick up the last of her personal things from her office and had taken the opportunity to say her goodbyes to the other detectives. They had all been called out on a triple homicide a few minutes ago leaving Jane, Maura and Frankie talking about nothing in particular. None of them seemed eager to get moving. Jane had taken the day off to help Maura with her final preparations and would be taking her to the airport tomorrow. Maura still had to head down to the morgue pick up her things and say her goodbyes down there. She was stalling.
It had finally hit Maura that she was moving thousands of miles away and she might never live here again. She was finding it very difficult to leave Boston. The city had become her home and the police department her family. She had been happier here than anywhere she had ever lived and she didn't know how to say goodbye. She had studiously avoided thinking about leaving Jane. She wasn't sure how she was going to get through it, especially tomorrow at the airport. It helped, and hurt just a little, that Jane seemed okay with it. She'd said repeatedly how happy she was for Maura. But it was starting to sink in that there would be no more coffee runs, or tuna lunches, no more movie nights cuddled-up on the couch followed by sleepovers and lazy weekends spent doing nothing in particular. The ache in her heart was much greater than she had expected.
"I guess I'd better go down and say my goodbyes in the morgue," she said regretfully.
"Okay Sweetie, we'll wait here for you. Take your time" Jane smiled sympathetically at her.
Maura headed out of Homicide but stopped and turned around before she got to the elevators. She had brought some small gifts for the members of her staff to say goodbye and thank them for their hard work and she had left it on Jane's desk.
As she approached the door to bullpen she heard Frankie ask Jane "How are you holding up?" Something about the tone of his question made her stop outside the door and listen. For once she was glad she was wearing sensible sneakers rather than her usual high heels, most of which had been put in storage. The few that were making the trip to Africa with her had already been packed.
"Let's see," Jane said sarcasm dripping from her tone, "Tomorrow morning I'm going to drive my best friend and the love of my life to the airport so she can go to Africa to live with the love of her life. I'm just peachy."
In the hall Maura's breath caught in her throat, she felt faint and had to lean against the wall to keep herself from falling.
Frankie ignored the sarcasm in Jane's tone and pressed on, "Can I ask you a question Jane?" Jane just looked at him. "Why didn't you ever tell her? To be honest, I always thought you guys were together and you kept it quite because you weren't ready to tell Mom and Pop. You both acted like you were together."
Again Jane relied on sarcasm to express her pain, "Well, it could be because she's straight, or because she said I wouldn't be her type even if she was into women. Or maybe the fact that she told me Ian is the love of her life. Take your pick." She slumped in her chair. "The truth is I was afraid of losing my best friend. I figured, better to have a best friend I get to see everyday and spend most of my time with than risk her getting weirded out and walking away. And now it's too late, she's going to Africa to be with Ian and I've missed my chance, assuming I ever had a chance to begin with."
She blew her nose and out in the hall Maura was shocked to realize her tough as nails best friend was crying…in front of her little brother.
"The thing is Frankie, I don't know how I'm going to get through it. When I try to think about my future without her in it I can't even breathe. I mean I can't imagine not seeing her the day after tomorrow or the day after that, let alone the trying to wrap my head around the fact that I might never see her again. I'm worried Frankie, my plan for tomorrow after I leave the airport is to find the nearest bar and drink myself into oblivion. Given our family history, I'm worried that if I crawl into a bottle I might never crawl back out. What scares me even more is that right now that doesn't sound all that bad. You have to promise me you wont let that happen. It would kill Mom and Pop."
"I promise on one condition," Frankie looked at Jane earnestly. "Tomorrow before you hit that bar you come and get me. I promise, no lectures, no trying to cheer you up, I just want to be there to make sure you get home safely."
"Deal, thanks Frankie." Jane sighed and stared off into space.
Maura stumbled away from the door, with tears streaming down her face. She made her way to the nearest ladies room and locked herself in the nearest stall. How had she missed this? How could she not see how badly she was hurting her best friend? But most importantly, why amidst the sorrow she felt at the pain she was causing Jane, was there a part of her that rejoiced at hearing Jane declare her love?
She needed time. She needed to sort through her feelings not just for Jane but for Ian as well, her feelings about leaving Boston, and the police department and most importantly Jane. She had boxed them up and hidden them in a corner of her mind. She had been so single minded in her pursuit of what she thought would make her happy she had failed to consider the cost.
Pulling herself together she left the stall, splashed some water on her face and headed down to the morgue, she could send one of the techs up to get the bag of gifts. She said her goodbyes to her morgue staff gathered her personal things and headed back up to the bullpen.
By the time she walked up to Jane's desk, Frankie was gone and Jane was surfing the net on her computer as if it was any other day. "Ready to go?" Jane asked with a smile but Maura could see the falseness she had refused to recognize before. Now that she was looking she could see the darkening of Jane's nasojugal fold indicating a lack of sleep and the tension in Jane's shoulders and neck. Most of all she saw the sadness in Jane's eyes. How could she have missed it? Jane was a good actress, in her job she had to be, but nobody knew her better than Maura. Maura had to admit that she hadn't seen it because she hadn't wanted to see it. She hadn't been able to deal with her own feelings about leaving, how could she possibly deal with Jane's.
"Yes," Maura replied, "When we get back to your place I need to run an errand. Can I borrow your car?" It wasn't a lie exactly, she needed to think and she needed to do it alone. Her place was already packed up and she would be staying at Jane's that night so they could get an early start for the airport, and so they could have one last movie night. But she needed to do her thinking alone.
"I'd be happy to take you wherever you need to go before we head home?" Jane responded, puzzled by this last minute errand that Maura had failed to mention before.
"No, I really need to do this alone," again not a lie.
"Okay," Jane shrugged. This time Maura didn't miss the hurt in Jane's eyes but she knew it was necessary. She had to think things through and make some decisions and she needed to do it alone.
Maura had been gone almost two hours and Jane was starting to worry, not to mention she wanted to spend every last minute she could with Maura before she left for good. Finally, she heard the keys jingling in the lock. She smiled sadly to herself. She had not asked for the keys back and Maura had not offered to give them back. In her mind it gave them a connection, however tenuous. As long as Maura had her spare key there was a possibility that she would use them. Jane wondered morosely how long she would wait hoping to hear the sound of those keys in her lock before she finally lost hope.
"Jane?" Maura called out.
"In the kitchen," Jane responded. Maura could smell the delicious aroma of Italian cooking and knew Jane was making a batch of Angela's famous Gnocchi for her goodbye dinner.
"Did you get everything taken care of?" Jane asked, looking up from the pot of sauce she was stirring. As she looked at Maura, she realized Maura had been crying. "What's the matter Sweetie? Did something happen? Are you alright?"
"Yes, I took care of everything. No, nothing is the matter. Yes, something did happen. And yes, I'm alright." Maura responded to Jane's questions in order.
"Okay," Jane said with a quizzical look on her face.
"Jane, can you leave that for a few minutes?" Maura asked, indicating the sauce Jane was stirring. "We need to talk."
"Sure," Jane responded pulling the pot off the burner and covering it with a lid.
Maura took her hand and lead her to the sofa. They both sat down tucking one leg underneath them so they could face each other.
"What is it, Honey?" Jane asked with a good deal of trepidation in her voice. Maura was freaking her out, although she didn't see how things could get much worse.
"Jane, there's something I need to say and I need you to let me say it all before you respond. Promise me."
"Okay Maura, whatever you need."
"I heard you talking to Frankie in the bullpen after I left for the morgue today," Maura started.
Jane started up, preparing to deny or explain whatever Maura might have overheard.
"You promised Jane," Maura said quickly taking hold of Jane's hands and pulling her back down to the sofa.
Jane settled back against the arm of the couch to listen, although the rush of blood in her ears made it hard to hear anything. Hope and fear warred in her heart. What if she feels the same way? Jane knew it was unlikely but she couldn't help but hope it was so. But what if she rejects me completely, what if she never wants us to call or e-mail each other ever again? Jane knew this was equally unlikely but she couldn't keep the fear from eating away at her.
"You're in love with me." It wasn't a question but Jane nodded just the same. "I understand why you never told me but I wish you had. It might have saved us both a lot of anguish and heartache". Hope began to win the battle in Jane's heart, and then Maura spoke again.
"I love Ian, I'm in love with him. I always thought he was the love of my life but I realized something today. Someone can't truly be the love of your life unless you are the love of theirs and I'm not the love of Ian's life. If I was he would have fought for me. He would have come home with me when I left Médecins Sans Frontières or he would have asked me to stay. Instead he drops in unannounced and leaves pretty much the same way. He never asks me to come with him. I think the truth is he prefers to be unattached, free to go where he wants, when he wants, with whomever he wants. I'm little more than a booty call to him."
Seeing the sadness in Maura's eyes Jane couldn't hold her tongue. "Maura, that's not true, Ian loves you."
"Perhaps," Maura responded noncommittally, "but he loves his carefree lifestyle more. That's the difference between the two of you. He always puts himself before me and you always put me before yourself. You've supported me throughout this whole thing even though it hurt you terribly to do so."
"I wanted you to be happy and Ian makes you happy," Jane smiled sadly at Maura.
"Not nearly as happy as you make me," she replied, smiling shyly at Jane. "I'm so sorry Jane, I didn't know how you felt so I never let myself explore my feelings for you. I didn't even think it was possible for you to have romantic feelings for me. I thought you were straight. You know how well I compartmentalize, I put any romantic feeling I had for you in a box and locked them away in the furthest corners of my heart. I did the same with my feelings about leaving Boston and the BPD. I couldn't deal with them so I locked them up and hid them away. It wasn't until I heard you talking to Frankie that it all came pouring out. Boston is my home, the police department is my family, and you are the love of my life. I know it's true because I heard you tell Frankie that I was the love of your life. Please tell me I'm not too late to fix the mistake I've made."
Tears filled Jane's eyes as she leaned slowly toward Maura. Her lips brushed lightly against Maura's sending sparks of electricity through both women as she murmured, "Never Maura, it will never be too late for you and me." Jane pulled Maura on top of her closing the minuscule distance between their lips with a kiss that started slow and sweet but soon became a searing dance of lips and teeth and tongues.
They parted gasping for breath and Jane said with a grin. "You better call the movers to get your stuff back and the airline to cancel your flight."
"Oh I already did that," Maura replied airily. At Jane's questioning look she explained. "Even if you told me it was too late for us I was prepared to fight for you Jane. I didn't want you to think I was keeping Ian as some sort of backup plan."
"Well then," Jane said standing up from the sofa and taking Maura in her arms. "Maybe we should go to bed, unless you'd rather eat first." Jane said affecting an innocent air.
"No," said Maura playing along, "I'm awfully tired. I think we should go to bed first and have dinner later."
"Much later," Jane agreed "like tomorrow morning, or maybe even tomorrow evening."
"Works for me," said Maura but anything else she might have said was lost in a moan as Jane carried Maura of toward the bedroom, tracing kisses down her elegant and inviting neck.