I could feel the hot tears stinging my eyes as I walked briskly but unhurriedly towards the bathrooms. My brain was working very deliberately- nothing irrational. I gave a slight smile at my calmness, and pushed open the wooden doors to the cloakroom. There was a faint odour hanging in the air, but I ignored it and locked myself in the last cubicle. Sitting down on the toilet lid, it occured to me that toilets were a rather disgusting and unhygenic place to hideout, but me options had been rather limited. I pulled my legs up to my chin, and reaslising that I was finally completely alone, I gave my brain permission to cry, loudly and painfully. I took a deep breath, but nothing happened. I just felt numb. Although I knew it was a terrible idea, I forced myself to re-live the past events, in graphic and tortourus detail.
The classroom buzzed, loud bursts of laughter, colouful flying sparks and the occasional "Oh DRACO!" told me that our class' resident dictator was holding another one of his disgusting and pathetic competitions. I wished that Ipods were allowed in class- some music, ANY music really, would be very useful in helping block out the loud cacophany around me. Instead, I made use of my book to try distract myself from the jeering and shouting. My head popped up to quickly to see if my two best friends were available for some mindless banter, but trust them to be in the thick of it all. Also in the front of the dungeon was Malfoy, casually waving his wand and summoning random objects in the classroom. Inwardly, I rolled my eyes.
Now, there is something vitally important I need to point out- One may assume that I absolutely dispise Draco Malfoy. He happens to be one of my closest friends, (to the chagrin of Harry and Ron), but he also happens to stand for just about everything I find pointless and silly...go figure.
"Come on Granger!" the shout echoed to me at the very back of the classroom. I looked up at my three friends (plus a few others) and decided to ditch my book- reading was a bit aimless in this situation.
Hoping that his game of the day would be relatively harmless, I made my way to the front of the classroom, and sat on top of an empty desk.
They all seemed to be comparing skin tones. Daphne had her sleeves rolled up to her shoulders and Harry and Ron were rotating their forearms slowly and arguing. I could feel myself withdraw from them immediately, as I stared at the smooth skin on my friend's arms.
"Yep, I'm definitely the palest," Harry announced.
"Hermione's skin is way lighter!" Draco argued.
I felt myself shrink backwards. This was stupid. Didn't they have anything better to talk about?
"Let's see your arms Granger?" Draco said, as a question. He sounded gentle and I felt myself soften slightly at the sound of his voice, despite the situation. I stood up swiftly.
"I'm going to the bathroom."
"Come on, what are you hiding under there?" he said with a laugh. "And Snape will be back soon anyway...and we all know you don't like to get into trouble."
This was an undeniable fact- WAS, until I attempted to leave the classroom without permission anyway.
But what happened when I walked past Draco's table got me into more trouble than leaving class ever could.
I felt the light tug on my thick sleeve before I registered what had happened.
I first saw the red and white, faded and new scars marring my arm.
I then saw silent shock on his face. On Harry's face. On Ron's face. I remember wondering "is that surprise or disgust?"
But I never found out, because I tugged my arm away from his loose grip and ran outside as soon as I had regained control of my body.
"And now, I'm here," I thought bitterly. The entire situation so surreal...and oh, so POINTLESS. How easy would it have been for me to avoid that?! Idiot, I told myself. Attention seeker, another voice whispered. I nodded, as if agreeing to the tormenting commentator in my head.
The question kept prodding me- what do I do now? Harry and Ron's cracked sounding voices solved my problem.
"Hermione?" I tried to shout back but my mouth made no sound.
"Please come out."
I turned the door and stepped out of the cubicle. My legs felt shaky and suddenly my whole body was cold. I wrapped my arms around my body, giving myself a quick hug.
"You're in the girl's bathroom," I muttered.
"Yes, we're aware," Harry said coldly with a glare.
I recoiled at his sharp tone.
"Are you angry or something?" I said slightly sarcasticly.
"You're HURTING yourself! Of course we're bloody angry! And to see it first because of Draco MALFOY?" Ron errupted from next to Harry. He was shaking with anger, but I saw tear stains on his face.
"Look, I'm sorry, but it really isn't any of your business," I whispered. I just wanted my self harm to be a secret again, to make everybody just forget about it.
"Actually it's our entire Potion's class' business now. Speaking of potions, Professor Snape wants to see you," Harry turned to walk out of the bathroom, and Ron followed, after throwing me one last tortured look.
I felt my stomach drop. Snape...of course...it was long past the end of school and I'd missed the last of our Potions lesson. He would be livid. Professor Snape terrified me usually. Now that he had a reason to be angry, I was petrified. I took a complicated back route to his office, so as to hopefully avoid any of my Gryffindor or Slytherin classmates. By the time I reached Snape's office I was a bucket of nerves. Timidly, I knocked on the slightly ajar, large, ornate door, three times.
"Come in," came a cool voice.
I slipped through the door. Professor Snape was sitting at his desk marking tests.
"Sit," he ordered, gesturing towards a comfortable looking armchair. As I lowered myself onto the seat, Snape shuffled the papers into a neat stack and flicked his wand, causing the pile to float across the room, and nestle itself into a shelf, amongst other papers.
My Potions Professor then lowered his wand, dusted his spotless robe sleeves, and turned to face me. I felt my stomach drop as his empty dark eyes turned to face mine.
"So Miss Granger- I think there is something we need to discuss?"
I couldn't help myself "I am so sorry Sir, I promise it will never hap-"
He held up his hand to silence. I quietened mid-sentence, my mouth half open.
"That is not what I was referring to. I want to talk about what happened whilst I was not present in the classroom.
I could feel heat blossoming under my cheeks. I dropped my gaze and stared at my lap.
"Is what Mr Malfoy told me true?" Snape asked me softly.
His gentle tone took me by surprise and I looked up again. His empty eyes were now filled with pity. I could feel my cracked shell harden and I bristled under his sympathetic gaze.
"Sir, I'd rather not discuss this with you," I replied as calmly as possible. Not "No sir, its not true" or, "Go screw yourself Sir"
I realized in that moment that I wanted somebody to know. I wanted somebody to care. Snape was not my first choice...but I had to start somewhere.
"Miss Granger, I realize self harm is difficult to talk about. I know that talking about this, will make you feel like it is not a real problem," Snape stopped for a second and took a deep breath. "However, I NEED you to know that some way or another, somebody would've found out about this eventually. And that no matter what you think...you do need help."
I stopped listening when I felt the first warm tear roll down my cheek. I felt two sturdy hands on my shoulder. I didn't know for sure, but I had a feeling that everything was going to be okay.
Two months later
The gloved hand encasing my own squeezed tightly. I felt my cheeks redden. Draco chuckled when he saw my expression and lead me further into the dark woods. We stopped next to a particularly large fir tree and broke our loose connection.
"There's something I wanted to show you," Draco blurted out suddenly. Sensing this was something serious, I stopped smiling and turned to face Draco.
"Of course," I said. "What is it?"
Draco exhaled loudly and turned around. Slowly, he lifted his black sweater until it was underneath his shoulders. Rotating his body back to face me, I was meet with a horrific sight.
Scar, upon scar, upon multiple bruises and burns. Long scars the length of his chest. Others short and deep looking. His pale luminescent skin was hidden behind the sounds covering his body.
His face was hard, set, rigid with what looked like determination.
"You're not alone you know."