Summary: One-shot. Suze goes through hardships. Her whole life seems to be full of them. Pain seems to radiate in waves. Until something happens. Until something that changes her life. Will it actually help her deal with the pain?
Disclaimer: I don't own the Mediator series. That means all the characters with the exception of Brian, Phoebe, and Cara. They're mine. And you can't have them.
Underlying
The Tide
There's no such thing as true love. I know, I'm only seventeen, why would I already not believe in true love? Well, I know different. I hate how people are always going on about it's true love, blah, blah, blah. They're only lying. They think it's true love but then it falls apart at the seams. When I was younger, my mom and I would sit on the couch in our tiny New York apartment and watch The Princess Bride. You know, the one with the beautiful girl Buttercup and her true love, the Dread Captain Roberts. We would love to see the end with the perfect kiss, you know the one that ranks one of the top five in the history of kisses. It was just so romantic.
When I was younger true love didn't even faze me. My dad had died when I was five and my mom and I were alone. I never even thought true love existed. But then Mom got remarried. To Andy. I guess you could say that he's the reason I don't believe in true love. My mom was so happy with him. She was the happiest I'd ever seen her. I thought it was true love. I questioned her about it one time and she told me it was. She loved him. I was happy for her.
But what about happiness makes everything fall apart? Was it me, was I not good enough? I know I have my problems, but did I do something to make true love end? Did Andy realize that marrying my mom also meant dealing with the juvenile delinquent? Jesse told me it wasn't me and that there was nothing I could do to change what happened and what is happening. But it hurts, it hurts so much.
In case you haven't already guessed, Andy and Mom got a divorce. Well, actually he went to a divorce lawyer and got some papers. My mom and I moved out into a nice little two-bedroom apartment for a while. We didn't want to stay there long. Just until I graduated from high school. And that was in just two months. Just two months longer. My mom cries all the time. She thinks I don't hear her. Most of the time I get so sad I have to go over to Jesse's apartment and cry. We're going back to New York now. She thinks that if we go back she'll forget about ever coming to Carmel. I know it's not going to work. She knows it's not going to work. But I guess that's not the point. I'm going with her. When I was filling out college applications I filled out ones for local colleges in Carmel and also some colleges in New York. I got accepted to St. Joseph's College, so I wouldn't be too far away from Mom.
I would always be there for Mom. But Jesse, he just got situated in life and is going to college locally. He says he can't switch. So he's staying here and I'm leaving. It hasn't really hit me yet that I may never see him again. I mean, we can't see each other a lot now that he's alive anyway, his school and work take up most of his time. I don't even want to think about any of this now. True love doesn't exist, not for my mother, and not for me.
-Two Months Later-
My mom and I are boarding the plane now. Jesse, Jake, Brad, and David, Cee Cee, and Adam were seeing us off. Mom had silent tears running down her cheeks as she hugged her stepsons. She told them that if they ever went to New York to look us up. I hugged my stepbrothers, even Brad. When I got to David I started crying. He told me he was going to miss me and that I was the best sister he ever had. Jake actually looked sad for once. It was weird, he wasn't tired, he looked attentive, just sad. He told me that he loved me and he was sorry he didn't get to know me better. Cee Cee started bawling when I got to her. She told me that we would talk soon and that she would always be my friend. She got so hysterical at one point that Adam had to hold her. I hope they could find true love with each other. But I knew I would never talk to them again. My life with Carmel was over. Then there was Jesse. I actually asked to speak to him privately. I took his hand and sat him down in one of the boarding chairs to the side. I sat next to him, my hand still in his. Then I told him the words that broke my heart. I told him we were through and that I couldn't date him anymore. He tried to object, but I wouldn't let him. They called out our flight and Mom called my name. I looked at her and held up a finger, the international signal of waiting a minute. I stood up and kissed Jesse softly on the lips before I kissed his cheek. Then I walked away. I thought he was the one. You know, the one who Madame Zera had told me about. I guess I was wrong. I took my carry-on bag and hooked it over my shoulder. I looked at my mom and took her hand in mine and squeezed it gently. Then we stepped through the departure point and into the plane. True love is dead, but at least I still have my mother. And I can truly say that she's the best thing for me…ever.
There's three, count 'em three children playing on the beach.
They were eager to learn, to be taught and to teach.
There's Veronica. She's biting her lip as she watches the waves turn white at the tip.
There's Vada. Radiating with joy and luckily she still can't stand the sight of a boy.
Lastly there's Dade. His hair dances in the wind and he's wondering what love is and why it has to end.
He can't understand how everyone goes on breathing when true love ends.
His mother whispers quietly…
Heaven's not a place that you go when you die.
It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive.
So take this advice, live by every word.
Love is just a hoax so forget anything that you've heard and live for the moment now.
There's Veronica. She's licking her lips as she waits for her real, first passionate kiss.
There's Vada. Can't admit her jealousy of her sister Veronica, and how she's so pretty.
Lastly there's Dade. Still sitting on the dock. Ponders his life, and he skips his rocks.
He wonders when his father will return but he's not coming back.
There's three, count 'em three children missing from the beach.
But the sad thing is that they never lived passed the age of fifteen due to neglect from their mother.
Who was bedridden by her ex-lover, their father.
She didn't even notice, or pay much attention as the tide came in and swept her three into the ocean.
Now all her advice seems useless.
Heaven's not a place that you go when you die.
It's that moment in life when you touch her and you feel alive.
Take this advice, live by every word.
Love's completely real, so forget everything you've ever heard and live for the moment now.
Mom and I didn't really talk on the flight. The nine-hour flight. I had the window seat. The whole time I looked out that window at the clouds below the plane. I watched the sky grow darker with night. I watched California grow more distanced each second. I tried not to think much. Thinking hurts. I just want the pain to be gone. I wondered what would happen when we got there. How different our lives would be. And even if we would be happy living in New York. But I can't predict the future. Although Mom would never admit it, I know she was crying during the flight. She always had to get up and go to the bathroom. I never looked at her, not once. It wasn't because I hated her. I could never hate her. I love her very much. I just couldn't look at her. Then our plane landed. We had already shipped all of our stuff earlier this week. Gina and her brothers came over and got everything and brought it to our new apartment. We met her and my grandma at the gate. My grandma came over to Mom and me and gave us both hugs and said she was sorry. Gina just put her suntanned arm around my shoulder and walked with me to the car.
We got to our apartment later. It wasn't all that late. Especially since I was three hours behind. California time. Gina and Grandma didn't stay long. Just long enough to see that we were settled in okay. Nothing was unpacked yet, so we just ordered a pizza and ate in silence. I was about to go in my new room and unpack when she finally said something to me, "So, you and Jesse…"
I looked down at my hands so she couldn't see my eyes tearing up. "I said goodbye to him."
She stood up quickly and pulled me into a hug, "Oh, Suzie. You shouldn't have done that. You were so happy with him." Then she started crying again. "It isn't because of what happened between me and Andy is it?"
I looked her straight in the eye and said, "Mom, listen to me. You were here long before I knew Jesse and as much as I love him, I had to say goodbye. You need me more, and I need you more than him. He'll get over it…and so will I."
"Suzie-"
"No! I mean it. You had nothing to do with our breakup. Now, I'm going to go to bed. I'll see you in the morning."
She nodded and sat down at the table. Then I went into my room. I wasn't really tired, so I just started unpacking. Unfortunately, I gained more items when I was in Carmel and my room here is smaller. But I'm sure I can figure something out. I used a box cutter to rip off the tape on one of the boxes. It was my Jesse stuff. You know, the pictures, and memorabilia I've collected over the time I've known him. There was a picture album sitting at the bottom of the box. I took it out and started looking through it. There were pictures of me and Jesse and other ones with all my friends and family. Then at the end I saw my favorite picture. It was the one that Cee Cee took. It was totally candid. Jesse was just giving me an innocent little kiss and right when our lips touched, the flash went off. But the part I loved the most was the sunset in the background. It was so pretty with the pink and orange colored sky.
But I guess I can say that I've grown up now. I don't think of myself as being the young girl who lived in Carmel. I feel like another person entirely. It's weird to think about it. It's like…the moment I got on the plane to New York I became another person. Susannah Simon died, but another one took her place. And I guess I did the next thing as sort of like an initiation into my new life. I went into the kitchen where my mom was still sitting with her face in her hands and got a lighter out of the drawer. Then I went over the sink and flicked the lighter. My mom came over and stood behind me. I stared at the flame for countless seconds just thinking of the beauty of it. It's beautiful, but it's powerful, and destructive. It's the perfect concoction. Then I touched the edge of the flame to the picture. And I held it burning in my hand. I held it all the way until it reached my fingers, then I dropped it into the sink. I let a tear fall from my eye and it fell right onto the last burning flicker of the picture. "Goodbye Jesse."
In muddy grass we stand side by side with our knuckles interlocked.
Black dresses flood the cemetery in this cliché tragedy.
Just do as you're instructed and…
Take this razor and cut your palms.
I'll do the same until a river of crimson begins to flow.
Now drip your ruby red over the casket.
A funeral for my once loved youth.
My secret is fatally gorgeous.
I'd die for you.
But in this Bonnie and Clyde kind of romance tell me what can you do?
But when you precious life is at stake tell me would you die for me too?
The quivering liquids in our stomach will eat away at the bad habits that have made you a real character in the story of your now distant life.
Goodnight and goodbye, quickly.
In gentle greens we stand side by side with your head buried in my chest.
Black veils send me shivering.
The fear that part of me is dying.
Goodbyes are said, and roses are thrown.
The crowd starts to weep.
But the irony of the story is when I fell to my knees and began clawing at the dirt in front of the tombstone of my bashful childhood.
With you by my side, you're screaming at the top of your lungs, "let it go."
I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, "The ceremony was not proper, there was not enough people, and who picked the music? Those melodies almost made me physically sick."
3685
-Two Months Later-
I guess you could say we were dealing with it. My mom and me, I mean. We're dealing. It's still painful. Mom started her old job again soon after we got here and I was taking my summer break before college started by lounging with Gina. It was like the old days. Just me and her sitting on steps to her apartment watching all the kids playing baseball in the road. Gina was understanding towards me and didn't go off boy scouting when she was with me. We sat and talked about college and the future. We avoided all talks of the past. I think Gina was still in contact with Jake, but I wasn't about to ask. I even put aside my phobia of the mall and went shopping with her. When I wasn't with Gina I ended up walking around the city.
And after the time I burned the picture, I haven't cried. I won't let myself. Crying just makes me feel worse and isn't helping me get on with my life. But I still get visits from the other side. Mostly from Cynthia Ackerman. She's actually been a big help through all of this. Considering my dad already moved on, she's the best thing I have at a dead relative. But she's helped to explain what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling it. She cheers me up when my head is about to sink under the water. She's the greatest.
And I sort of talked to myself a lot. I talked to myself about how even though Jesse and I didn't last and how our true love was inevitably cut short, I still thank him for all the good times we had. He was awesome. He saved my life in more ways than one. He kept me from drowning and no matter how things changed, I still thank him. I will always thank him.
It was after some careful thought that I decided to have a special talk with my mother. Don't get me wrong, we talk all the time. I just think this time is going to be special. So I picked out a date. One where Mom wasn't working at the studio and I wasn't wandering aimlessly around New York. And as was our custom, we ordered take-out, Chinese this time. And I sat her down at the dinner table. After some uninteresting talk about our days I decided to go for the kill.
"Mom, I have to tell you something. See, it's something that I've kept a secret my entire life. And I'm really sorry I never told you before, but I didn't know if you would be able to handle it."
"Well, what is it sweetie?" She put down her chopsticks and put her hands in her lap to give me her full attention. I could already sense her growing uneasiness, but I've kept this a secret from her for far too long.
"I'm a mediator."
She was silent. She looked at me with a perplexed expression on her face. I couldn't blame her, not many people actually know what a mediator is. "So, you're like a liaison…between two people…It's not that uncommon sweetie."
I shook my head sadly and said, "There's a difference between that kind of mediator and the kind of mediator I am. You have to understand that I never asked for this and that I resent it with every fiber of my being!"
She nodded and said softly, "I still don't understand."
I took a deep breath and looked at the tablecloth with the little rose flowers on it. Over the past two months Mom had been on a furnishing kick. She wanted our apartment to seem like a home even if we both didn't see it as a home. I admired her effort. "I see dead people."
I know, I know. Quoting the movie was a really…interesting approach. But you have to admit it was funny. And funny isn't something I've done in about half a year. I'm starting to think I don't even know what funny is anymore. So maybe it wasn't funny. Hell if I know.
She took a deep intake of breath and replied shakily, "Honey, I don't know what you're getting at. But I don't appreciate the joking."
"I'm not joking! I really see the dead. I'm the mediator between the dead and the living. I see the dead, touch them…fall in love with them."
"Sweetie, this is a huge shock. It's going to take a while to process." She started to stand up but I grabbed her hand and pulled her down again.
"Mom, I need to tell you a story. I think I'll start from when I first moved to California. Well, as you know, I hate old buildings. That's because there's more of a chance of a dead person hanging around there. So when we first moved into Carmel, I was upset when I saw my room. A ghost had been haunting it for the past century and a half. David actually offered to trade rooms, but I declined. Then there was the school. Father Dominic was also a mediator and had been trying to help a girl named Heather move on. But Heather had killed herself and wanted to kill her boyfriend as well. So, I had no choice but to exorcize her. But she created what everyone called an earthquake and I was buried under a bunch of rubble at the school. David and Jake showed up and helped me home.
"Next was Tad. You remember him, right? Well, a ghost came to me and told me to tell Red that her death wasn't his fault. I didn't know which Red it was so I got involved with a murderer. Tad's father had been given pills to make him hallucinate and Tad's uncle tried to kill Tad and me. But then the ghost who lives in my bedroom came and helped us break open a window and jump into the pool.
"Then there was the RLS Angles. They were the kids that had been killed by Michael Medussi. Well, they wanted to kill him. Father Dominic, my ghost, and I visited them out at the beach late one night and they told us the real story of their deaths. Not the one Michael was giving everyone. Then Michael tried to kill Brad because Brad was at the party where his sister passed out in a pool. That's when I decided to help the Angels. I went out with Michael and called the ghosts. They started to kill him, but then I felt guilty, so I told them to stop. Then my ghost came and they beat us up. When the cops came they assumed that Michael had done it. And in the hospital later, my ghost, who I had started to develop feelings for, touched my cheek. Or at least, I think he did.
"Anyway, moving on…then there was that summer where I babysat that kid Jack at the Pebble Beach Resort. Well, Jack and his brother, Paul, were both mediators as well. But this summer was also the one where Andy was digging in the backyard. And that made one ghost extremely angry. So angry, that she came to me in the middle of the night and threatened to kill all of you if Andy didn't stop digging. But the ghost, she was from the same time period as my ghost. In all actuality, they knew each other. They had actually been engaged, but then when he wanted to call it off, she got someone named Diego to kill him in his sleep. And Paul wasn't helping any. He was so mean to his little brother and he was practically stalking me. But the next night I slept in David's room. I was really scared of Maria coming and hurting me so I hid in David's bed with some weapons. But then my ghost came. He was shocked that I was hiding in David's room with weapons, but he became more worried for me when I blurted out what happened with Maria. And then he promised me that even if we found his body in the backyard he wasn't going to go away. But he did. So, I was going to go down to Maria's gravestone and put her back where she belonged, but her and Diego showed up and they threw me off the roof. Then I had Father D exorcize me and I went to find my ghost and bring him back. When we were up in the place I like to call the Shadowland, it's sort of like this long hallway with a bunch of doors, and Paul showed up. My ghost punched him in the nose and then Jack showed up and we went back to where Diego and Maria were hurting Father D. Then we exorcized them. And later…my ghost kissed me. We were interrupted, but he kissed me all the same. And I loved it.
"Then…school started up again. But this time Paul was going to the Mission with me. It scared the hell out of me. But I didn't tell my ghost that he was back. I should have. But I didn't. Then Paul tried to teach me more. And you remember that friend that Jake had, Neil something or other? Well, his brother Craig was haunting him. And one time when Paul tried to force himself on me at his house, I walked to the restaurant where Neil works and him and Craig helped me home. My ghost helped bandage my feet and everything when I was stuck in bed for two days. But then he left. Father D said it was because of our "relationship" and because it wasn't right for me to love a ghost. He came back to say goodbye one night. You and Andy were away for the weekend and Bard was throwing that party. And Paul came. He said some things that made my ghost extremely upset. So they got into a fight. It lasted all the way to the hot tub. That's when Craig showed up to hurt Neil. My ghost and Craig put their respective opponents into the hot tub and held their heads under. So, I grabbed onto one of each fights and took them to the place that had haunted me for a while. And I made a deal with Paul. He would leave my ghost alone as long as I continued my "studies" with him. And my ghost…well I saw him again when he was staring down at his own gravestone. He told me he had to leave me because he loved me and we kissed and we weren't interrupted.
"That's when everything got stranger. You see, Paul was convinced he could go into the past and stop my ghost from dieing. I wanted to stop him and I talked to my ghost about it and he laughed about how Paul could try to act like God. But Paul did go back. Oh, my ghost tried to stop him, but I knew he would be too late. So, I went back too. And last minute I changed my mind. No matter how much I loved him, I couldn't bear to make sure he died. So, I helped Paul. My ghost fought Diego, but a fire erupted. We were in a barn, so it went up pretty quick. And I was trapped behind the flames. My ghost helped me get out, but when I was coming back to my time, I brought him back as well. And his body was there, but he wouldn't wake up. Paul and I brought him to the hospital. And I stayed there. I tried to call Dad, so he could comfort me. He never came, instead he sent my ghost. My ghost from my time. He looked down at his body and asked me what I did. He leaned over himself to kiss me and he touched his body. And he was pulled through. I thought I had lost both of them, but then he woke up. And he was alive. And Father D helped him gain an identity and everything. And he took me to the school dance. But then Dad moved on. And even though I was sad, my ghost and I ad an awesome time. End of story."
Mom looked beyond words. She was looking at me and I could only guess connecting the dots with everything unexplainable that's happened. "Wait…are you telling me that Jesse was a ghost?"
I nodded and said, "For a century and a half. Are you going to be okay?"
She nodded slowly and said, "I'm dealing. How about you?"
I sighed and grabbed her hand. I squeezed it gently and said, "Ditto."
My empty promises led to our demise.
I could never tell you how I really feel and for that I eternally apologize.
I hope you never forget the tapping at your window.
With the harsh cold and the jealousy running through my bones.
We were both selfish, but I think I was more.
I would like to thank you, for showing me a part of myself I have never seen.
We were young and dumb, but it still was fun/
I guess these things just tend to fall apart.
I hope you feel the same.
My empty promises brought us to an end.
I could never tell you how I really feel and I have no logic to defend.
I would like to thank you, for showing me a part of the world that I have never seem.
I was young and dumb, but it still was fun.
I'm eternally indebted to you.
I hope you feel the same.
-Three Months Later-
So, school started up for me. And let me tell you one thing right now: college is way different than high school. I found that out the hard way. Although Mom has a well off job, it was still way expensive. Grandma actually chipped in and paid for a lot of it. But school kept my mind off a lot of other trivial things. School kept my mind off my past. And Jesse. I missed him like hell. I tried to not think of him, but it was near impossible.
And I actually made a few friends. Yeah, it surprised me too. But they were like the Gina and Cee Cee type people. You know, really easy to get along with even though they can be royal pains in my ass. The first day of my first class, I was majoring in psychology by the way, a girl came up to me and asked if she could sit next to me. I nodded and she kept talking all about her life in Oklahoma, where she came from. Then she asked about my life. I told her as little as possible. I just told her that I live in the city with my mother and I used to live in California. She got curious about California, but the professor walked in and started class before she could say anything else. So, she wrote me a note.
I'm Phoebe Linton by the way, who are you?
Suze, Suze Simon. Short for Susannah.
After class, Phoebe and I went out for a late breakfast and she talked most of the time. I listened. A good psychologist is a good listener. She said that she hadn't really made any friends since she'd moved two weeks ago. She was living on campus and her roommate was horrible. Then she went into gross detail on how her roommate would sneak guys up into their room and…you know. While she stammered on I studied her. She was about my height, maybe and inch or two shorter, and she had red hair. Not a bright red, but a red off brown color. And she had it cut to where it reached her elbows. She had a pretty face. The kind of face my brothers would be all over her for. Blue eyes and light skin with a few scattered freckles. I liked her already.
"What time is your last class?" I interrupted her unceremoniously.
She checked her schedule and said, "Four, why?"
I looked at my watch and noticed it was only quarter to eleven. My last class was at four, too. "I'll meet you here at five. Is that okay?"
"Yeah, why though? You're not going to bring me to your home so you can have a bunch of guys gang rape me are you?" Then her eyes widened and she leaned closer to me from across the table and whispered, "You're not a lesbian are you?" Then she looked around the little café to see if anyone had heard.
I laughed at her joke. She really had a sense of humor. "No, my mom is expecting me for dinner after my last class, I don't think she'll mind if I bring a friend."
We said our goodbyes and went to our next classes. And there I met another one of my new friends. Brian Melendez was going to St. Joseph's to major in human relations. He lives on campus and came from Vermont. He has three sisters and two dogs. And…he's hot. An all in all fabulous guy. He's Hispanic and tall. He's pretty much the same height as Jesse. And unlike Jesse, he didn't have a scar above his eyebrow, he just had freckles. I know, it confused me too. But I asked him about it and he told me that it was because his mother was Irish. Go figure. But he was really nice and funny. And then I did something spontaneous…I asked him to meet Phoebe and me at that café at five. I know, it's just he was so cute and funny. He was like perfect.
I went through the day fine. My professors didn't give me that much work. I think they wanted to go easy on the first day, but I could tell it wasn't going to stay that way. I was going to be loaded. So at quarter to five I was sitting in the little corner café drinking some iced coffee. I saw Phoebe come through the door and I waved her over. She sat down across from me and told me all about her day. And how she stopped by her room to drop off her books and how her roommate was being a bitch. Then my breath caught in my throat. Brian walked through the door. He sat next to me and I introduced him to Phoebe. Then we walked down to the subway station and hopped on the train that would take us close to my apartment. Brian and Phoebe were surprised to see this much of Brooklyn. They both had never really been off campus in the past week they had been here.
Finally we got to the apartment. To tell you the truth I was kind of nervous on the ride home. My mom was about to meet some new friends of mine…one of them even a potential boyfriend.
I got out my key and unlocked the door. Automatically I smelled the spaghetti and meatballs my mom made. "Mom, I'm home!"
She came out of the kitchen drying her hands on a rag. She had been crying, I could tell. "Hi, sweetie. I just talked to David. He says he misses you and he loves you. I told him you would call him back. Who are your friends?"
Brian looked at me when my mom said this about David. I guess he assumed that David was a boyfriend of mine or something like that. I said, "Mom, these are some people I met at school. This is Brian and Phoebe. I invited them to dinner, I hope you don't mind."
"Oh, not at all. It's nice to meet you both. Especially after Jesse. She really needed some new friends. Let me just freshen up. I hope you all don't mind pasta, I'm not much of a cook." She started to walk out into her bedroom but she saw my incredulous face and said, "Susie, what's wrong?"
I shook my head and she walked out muttering to herself about Andy and his cooking. I swear she's going crazy.
Phoebe sat down at the large couch and said pointedly looking at Brian, "So, who were those two guys your mom was talking about, that David and Jesse?"
I gave a shaky laugh and said, "David's my younger brother. He lives in California. And Jesse…he's, he was, my boyfriend. But we broke up when I moved here with my mom."
Brian looked inquisitive, "You never really did tell me much about your family…"
My mom came out then and we sat down at the dinner table. And I explained some of my life. I couldn't tell them everything. But I explained about my brothers and Jesse and why we were living in Brooklyn now. They accepted the story and I think I convinced Brian that I was way over Jesse.
But over the next few months, Brian, Phoebe and I became really good friends. Well, Brian and I became a little bit more than friends if you know what I mean. He was a great boyfriend.
One day, it was actually about a year since the divorce, I woke up feeling really weird. I took the subway to campus and met Brian and Phoebe at the café like usual. We all walked to classes laughing at Brian's jokes as usual. Classes were normal. Brian, Phoebe, and I went to my house as usual. And I guess that's where it all went down.
We had dinner like normal. I think my mom is getting crazy in her later years though. She tends to babble incoherently about stupid things in the past. Then she would start crying about Andy. Brian and Phoebe were used to it by now. So, after dinner they left and went back to campus. I still felt really weird but by then I just rubbed it off. I took a long bath and put my iPod on. I must have stayed in there for at least an hour. I felt drained. Not psychically, more like emotionally. I slowly got into bed and fell into a slumberous sleep. Only to wake up hours later. Evidently, the only means as to waking me is by shaking me into consciousness.
"You have to help me! Please, you're my only hope!" She was about my age but had tearstains running down her face. At a first glance she was actually kind of pretty. But her hair was a mess. And I could see the sunkenness of her cheeks. It looked almost like she had been starved before she died.
"Well, what can I do for you?" I sat up and rubbed my eyes to clear the sleep out of them.
"My daughter, her name is Cara. I…died…and she has no one. Please, you have to help her. You have to find some parents for her. Please!" She was sobbing uncontrollably by now.
"Okay, okay, calm down. What's the address?"
I got dressed quickly and quietly exited the apartment. Well, my mother was sleeping and I really didn't want to wake her up. I flagged down a taxi and told him where to go. I looked at the taxi's clock and saw that it was only midnight. I had only been sleeping for about an hour or so.
The cabby slowly pulled up to the address. I stared looking at the house. Well, I don't even know if I would call it a house. It was more like a deserted factory. Actually, in Brooklyn those things aren't too hard to find. I paid the cabby and asked him if he would wait a minute because I definitely didn't want to be stranded out here.
I entered the broken front door and slowly walked through the hallway. It was really gross. I mean seriously. It had garbage all over the place. Beer bottles and condom wrappers were littered around. Now I know why that ghost wanted me to find her daughter. This place was no place to raise a child. I could vaguely hear some crying in the distance. I followed the sound thinking it might be Cara. I passed a few rats on the way and almost screamed when one stepped right over my shoe. I could hear the crying grow louder with each step.
Finally I reached another door. I could hear the crying coming from behind it. I tried to push it open, but it was stuck. I took a step back and rammed my shoulder into it like Dopey did when he was wrestling. To tell you the truth, the thing works. And there was Cara. She was in a nasty looking crib and had obviously been there by herself for a few hours. I went over to her and picked her up. She stopped crying almost automatically. She was naked except for a diaper that was wrapped loosely around her. And it smelled rancid. I took a long look around the room and saw a birth certificate lying on a table with a bunch of trash. I put it in my pocket before starting to walk out. But I saw something in the closet area. It looked more like a hole in the wall though. And there was the ghost. Well, her body. And I knew how she had died. She hanged herself.
It took me two months. Two months to adopt Cara. The first thing I did after getting out of that house was go to the closest hospital and get her checked out. She hadn't been fed all day and if she had been left there much longer she wouldn't have lived. The doctors said she was lucky. She hadn't had any of her shots yet, so while she was in a deep sleep I had them administer them. Then I called my mom. I told her where I was and that I probably wouldn't be back for a while. Then I called the police and told them about the woman. An officer came to me later and asked me a few questions like how I knew Cara was there, etc. I've been lying all my life. It wasn't hard to do it again. They wanted to take Cara then, but I told them that I wanted to adopt her. It was a long process. I had to have a background check and they had to go through a bunch of interviews. But finally, she became my daughter. My Cara Morgan Simon. She was perfect. My mother adored her. Everyone adored her. And then I thought about it…Jesse was never my true love. No, my daughter was my true love. My Cara. And no one can ever change that.
These pills aren't working anymore.
My guts are spilling out onto the floor of a nightmare you wouldn't believe; of a nightmare you could not conceive of.
You're floating above my head.
There are words carved in my chest and they said…"Could somebody show me the kind of affection that you only see in the movies, you know what I mean."
I will suck the elixir from your fingertips until I feel my head start caving in.
My mouth will overflow with your evil soul.
I'll be convulsing for days in this hole.
Bubbling at the lips that you used to love to kiss.
I think I'm trying to wake up, but I can't.
These pills aren't working anymore.
My eyes are gouged out and rolling under the door.
I know you never meant to do everything you put me through.
It's okay I forgive you.
Just know that when you see me cringe sometimes, I'm trying to rid the poison from my mind.
-Five Years Later-
It's been five years since I've gotten Cara. At first it was hard for me to take care of her. She demanded a lot of attention. After all, she was just seven months old when I adopted her. With my schooling and Mom's job, we couldn't always be home for her. So, we hired a babysitter for during the day. I paid her fairly. Actually, I paid her more than most people were willing to pay their babysitters. But I wanted the best for Cara.
Now she's five and a half years old. And she's the cutest little thing in the world. I love it when she calls me mommy. I did end up graduating. Valedictorian actually. I'm now a registered psychologist. I try not to work that much so I can spend more time with Cara. And I dated Brian for a while…but it seems that Brian and Phoebe were more meant to be together. They actually came to me one day looking totally guilty about sleeping together and finding out that they loved each other. I told them that it was all fine. I didn't want to get in the way of their love.
I actually got my own apartment. Well, I didn't want to keep bothering Mom with Cara. And I think it's easier for her to spoil Cara if she's not living with the girl. And living in our new apartment is closer to my job and Cara's school. She's in kindergarten right now. She's so smart. I'm so proud of her. Ever since she was young I read to her. Now, she can actually read some more advanced books than some of the kids in her class. And she has friends. It's so cute. Some of the other mothers and myself made a play date for all of them one day. They had so much fun.
I haven't really talked to my family all that much. I mean my family from California. David moved here about three years ago. He turned sixteen and had a huge argument with his father. Automatically he called my mother and I and we arranged for him to get a flight out here. Right now he lived in my old bedroom at Mom's apartment. He loves it there. And he actually just entered college this year. A lowly freshman. I tease him all the time. But he helps me with Cara sometimes when I do have to work. We've gotten a lot closer. I was close to him when I lived in Carmel, but now I could actually call him my brother and mean it. And he really grew up too. He wasn't the little dork with red hair and glasses and braces. He had his braces taken off and his teeth were perfect and he finally got contacts. And he actually grew into himself. He looked like a college student.
But I have to say, there was one embarrassing thing he made me do last year. I was his date for the prom. I know, I know. But it was his senior year and he didn't get a date. I didn't ask why, he's not ugly. My guess is just that he was too shy to ask someone. It wasn't that bad either. I had fun. And I think it impressed his friends to have me along.
Dopey and Sleepy actually took a week off their jobs. They're coming in tomorrow. To visit. I'm actually excited. They've never met Cara yet. And I want to see how much they've changed. Doc and I are going tomorrow to La Guardia Airport to pick them up. I'm going to be leaving Cara with Mom. She doesn't like long car rides. And if we hit traffic the rise could be over an hour.
I hardly got any sleep the night before the flight. Brad and Jake were already on the plane, I'm sure. It was a nine-hour flight. The next morning I woke up exhausted. I looked at my clock and saw it was already seven in the morning.
My bedroom door opened and Cara came running in, "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" Then she jumped on me. I started tickling her and she started screaming and laughing. Then we both collapsed on my bed and she whispered, "I love you Mommy."
"I love you too Cara-Bear." That was my nickname for her. "Now come on, we have to get up. You're going to stay at Grandma's house while Uncle Doc and I go pick up your other uncles from the airport." It sounds stupid, but my nicknames for my stepbrothers became the names that Cara learned to call them.
We were running late when we ended up getting to the airport. Not unusual. Doc and I had so much fun together all the time, we usually end up losing track of time. We hurried to get to the gate where the plane landed. When we got there we saw them exiting the plane. They dropped their bags and grabbed me into a huge group hug. I think to this day that they planned to engulf me like that. But I have no proof and they still won't admit it. But they looked good. Dopey had grown out of his huge bulging self. He now looked like a normal person. And he even acted like one. Sleepy didn't look so sleepy now. He actually grew up,. go figure. Then another figure exited the plane. One I hadn't seen in almost six years. Jesse.
He looked good. He looked better than good. I stood there looking shocked when he said, "Hello, Susannah." He looked taller. And hotter. I know, it's so hard for him to look hotter than he did when he was younger, but he is.
Doc put his arms around my shoulders and walked with me down to get all their belongings. We were laughing the whole car ride. I was still shocked, but I think I could get over it for the most part. As I've figured out before, Cara is my true love. Not Jesse. Not anymore. We headed straight to Mom's apartment.
Cara and Mom were baking cookies when we got there. It was so cute. It's a shame I didn't have a camera on me. "Mommy! Grandma and I made cookies! Do you want some? I made extra for Uncle Doc."
Doc went over and picked her up before I got a chance to. Cara took a cookie and stuffed it in his mouth. Doc tried to say something, but his mouth was so filled that cookie crumbs spit out. Cara laughed. Then she tried it. "Hey, Doc! Let's not teach my daughter bad habits."
"Right Suze. Sorry."
He put her down on the floor and she ran over to me. I picked her up and turned around to face my two other brothers. "Cara-Bear, this is Uncle Dopey and this is Uncle Sleepy. Okay?"
She nodded and pointed to Jesse. "Who's he?"
"He's a friend of mine. His name is Jesse."
She laughed. "That's a girl's name Mommy."
I took a cookie off the counter and gave it to her. She stuffed it in her mouth and spit some crumbs out like before. I mock glared at David and said, "I blame you for the bad habits my daughter has picked up." He held up his hands in surrender.
Mom laughed and said, "Suzie, you know you teach her as many bad habits as David. Now, let's go into the living room and catch up."
Jesse looked at me. I looked him straight in the eye. "So, are you married Susannah?" I shook my head and seated myself in my favorite chair. I looked at the clock and saw it was about four in the afternoon.
"Mom, did you put Cara down for her nap yet?" I could feel Cara slumping onto my shoulder. I didn't mind. It wouldn't be the first time she fell asleep on me.
She shook her head and said, "She was too energetic. I couldn't put her down for the life of me. I'm not as young as I once was." I rolled me eyes and started humming. I rocked her slowly and started singing a lullaby. One that always put her asleep.
"Doc, can I put Cara down in your room?" He nodded and I slowly got up and went in there. There's one thing that never changed, Doc's room still smelled like socks.
I went back out to the living room where I could here Doc telling Sleepy and Dopey about the prom last year. We talked. We talked for hours. Cara woke up from her nap and we ate dinner. Then she started playing with the toys around the house. It was hard to explain to them how I came to get Cara in my life. I told them that I adopted her and her birth mother committed suicide. Jesse knew what I was saying. And Mom and Doc already knew the whole story. But I explained the best I could. They asked if I would ever sit down and tell Cara, I told them that I would when she was a little older. She wasn't ready yet. It would end up scarring her.
Sleepy looked at his brothers with a question in his eyes. And they nodded. I looked at all of them suspiciously. They were up to something. "Suze, we think that because you nicknamed us, we would nickname you." They each got down in front of me on their knees and Sleepy said with a really bad English accent, "We hereby dub you, Susannah Simon, from now on as Happy."
I laughed and said, "That's the best you can come up with?"
And of course they felt the need to start tickling me. But by this time it was getting to be really late. And Cara was looking really tired. So we went home. Jesse came too. Mostly because Mom's apartment wasn't big enough to hold all of them. Jesse went to sleep on the couch in the living room a while later. Jet lag, you got to hate it.
Anyway, that night I woke up to Cara's screams. I woke up breathing hard and frantically ran into her room. Jesse was right behind me. Then I saw her. The ghost. Cara's mother. The one who killed herself. And she was killing Cara. Cara had obviously been sleeping and then the ghost came and sat on her. Some ghosts find it funny to sit on their victims' stomach so they didn't know what was killing them. But I didn't. It wasn't funny at all and she was killing my daughter.
"Leave her alone!" I went over and pulled her off Cara. Cara was crying and gasping for breath. I took hold of the ghost and thought of the Shadowland. I hadn't been here in years. It looked the same. And the ghost was here with me. "Why? Why did you want to hurt her? Kill her?"
The ghost was crying, "I'm sorry. I really am. I died. I killed myself…and if I wanted to be her mother again. I thought that if I killed her we could be together. And I could be her mother forever."
I started crying then, "I'm doing my best to raise her. I'm sorry you killed yourself, but she's mine now. Now, I'm going to ask you to step through one of those doors…"
She nodded and stepped up to the closest one. "Please forgive me." Then she stepped through. I stayed there for a minute collecting myself before I went back to my body.
Jesse. I almost forgot about him. He was a doctor. I had a headache when I got back to my body. And I could see Jesse comforting Cara. The moment I groaned and sat up Cara threw herself into my arms and sobbed. I held her and whispered comforting words in her ear and rocked her until she wore herself out and fell asleep. I motioned for Jesse to follow me and we both trooped into my room. I pulled the covers down and set Cara down in the middle of the bed. Then I laid down next to her and pulled her close to my body. Jesse did the same on the on Cara's other side except he held us both. He knew how much this affected me.
"Susannah-"
I cut him off, "Not now. But thank you. I appreciate everything."
He wiped a tear off my cheek and said softly, "Susannah, please give me another chance. I love you. And I can love Cara as well."
I looked at his eyes to see his emotions. He was telling the truth. He would love me and my daughter. I thought about it. Can I really have two true loves? My daughter will always be number one. But can I have a number two? I looked down at Cara and saw that she was wide awake and looking at me. She looked much older than five right then. "Mommy, I want a daddy."
"You sure? This is your call…"
She nodded and melted into the both of us. "All right, on one condition"
Jesse looked at me with what almost looked like pain in his eyes. "And what would that be Susannah?"
I smiled at him and said, "Stop calling me Susannah."
He chuckled softly and melted just like Cara, "As you wish, Querida."
-Epilogue-
As I think back on all that's happened to me I've figured that you can have true love. And true love doesn't always end. Just because Andy decided to not stay together with my mom didn't mean that my life had to end. Yes, it was painful. But it wasn't an apocalypse. And Cara saved my life. Without her I would have walked around like a shell of my self. I never would have gotten back together with Jesse and I would still be lonely. And Sleepy, Dopey, and Doc kept up on their nicknames thing. And they even moved to New York. Evidently after the bitter divorce, Andy went a little crazy and the boys didn't want to deal with him anymore. So they all lived with Mom for a while before finding their own apartments. Sleepy ended up getting back together with Gina and they ended up getting married. Dopey still went from girl to girl, but he was happier in New York than he ever was in Carmel. Doc became this huge scientist at the university. I always knew he had it in him. Brian and Phoebe were still together having kids and such. I still kept in touch with them, but barely. They led their own lives. Mom stayed in Brooklyn. We, as in my brothers and I, went over once a week to have a dinner together. She always enjoyed those. To me, she still seems a little crazy, but I've come to terms with that. She's broken from Andy. And Andy...well, we never talk to him, or visit him. We pretty much kicked him out of our lives and none of us really cared. As for me…well Jesse and I got married. Cara loves her new daddy. He spoils her so much. I ended up having two more kids with him. Little Nicholas and Rachel. They were twins. And so cute. And with Jesse's job at the hospital, I didn't have to work. So, I stayed home with my babies. Cara was growing up into a beautiful young woman. As she grew older we finally had a long talk about her parents. She told me she didn't care about any of that. As far as she was concerned, Jesse and I were her parents. She was my true love as well as my husband and my two other children. And whether or not Jesse's kisses go over and beyond the most passionate kisses of all time, my life went beyond all others. And for that…this story is concluded.
(fade in, start the scene, enter beautiful girl
oh but things are not what they seem
as we stand at the edge of the world)
"excuse me sir, but I had plans to die tonight
and you are directly in my way
and I bet you're going to say it's not right"
my reply
"excuse me miss, but do you have the slightest clue
exactly what you just said to me
and exactly who you're talking to?"
she said, "I don't care, you don't even know me"
I said, "I know, but I'd like to change that soon, hopefully"
"we all flirt with the tiniest notion
of self-conclusion in one simplified motion
you see the trick is that you're
never supposed to act on it
no matter how unbearable this misery is"
"you make it sound, so easy to be alive
well tell me how am I supposed to seize the day
when everything inside of me has died?"
my reply
"trust me girl, I know your legs are pleading to leap
but I offer you this easy choice
instead of dying, living with me"
she said, "are you crazy? you don't even know me"
I said, "I know, but I'd like to change that soon, hopefully"
"I would be lying if I said that things would never get rough
and all this cliché motivation will never be enough. I could
stand here all night trying to convince you, but what good
would that do? my offer stands, and you must choose"
"all right, you win, but I only give you one night to prove
yourself to be better than my attempt at flight, I swear to
god if you hurt me I will leap. I will toss myself from these
very cliffs and you'll never see it coming"
"settle, precious; I know what you are going through
cause ten minutes before you got here I was gonna jump too"
A.N.: Hope you liked it. No, there's no continuation. And I don't own the songs. They're from the Spill Canvas. So, please review for me…If just to tell me how it was.